Ew wee chil’, what we gonna do wit you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

One thing at a damn time
Following the outrage over slow aid to victims of hurricane Katrina, President Bush has repeatedly said he will not play the Blame Game. In fact, Bush won’t play the Blame Game until he figures out how to play Candyland and Junior Monopoly.

Now what will we do?
FEMA president Mike Brown was relieved of his duties at hurricane Katrina. That’s too bad, now who is going to help save all those needy Arabian stallions?

“Time” magazine claims there are serious discrepancies in FEMA head Mike Brown’s resume. It turns out Brown wasn’t actually, as he claimed, a hit man for TV Evangelist Pat Robertson.

“Time” magazine claims there are serious discrepancies in FEMA head Mike Brown’s resume. Brown claims he had experience dealing with disasters, turns out he just meant he was a Los Angeles Dodgers fan.

How nice of Lance
Cycling’s governing body says there is no evidence of doping charges in Lance Armstrong’s old urine samples, despite claims otherwise by the French. Lance Armstrong said he would be happy to provide the French with fresh urine samples if they would hand him their berets.

Putting the “oh” in Ohio
At a high school in Canton, OH, 13% of the girls are pregnant; and that’s not even counting the female teachers.

FEMA was supposed to arrive at Canton with condoms but they never made it.

At that high school the students teach sex education to the faculty.

There is still hope
A study reveals that the human brain may still be evolving; so don’t give up on President Bush quite yet.

Not gracias
This week the Mexican Navy sent a ship to Louisiana loaded with aid for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately the cargo contained ten cases of Chicklets and 375 illegal aliens.

This week the Mexican Navy sent a ship to Louisiana loaded with aid for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Although Mexico was well-meaning, we had to tell them that the biggest problem in New Orleans right now is not lawn care.

How does that work?
Ben Affleck was kind enough to sign the “Tonight Show” bike last night. After Ben signed it, the value of the motorcycle went up, but for some reason, its box office revenues plummeted.


Just a thought;
F.Y.I., people who still use F.Y.I. can go F.U.*.K. themselves.

Lex on vegetarians
Do what you want, but if you ask me, we didn’t fight our way to the top of the food chain so we could eat Tofurkey on Thanksgiving.

Reader mail time. Thoughts, comments or jokes I can steal?

lexkase@san.rr.com

No, no, no, no, you da man and you da woman, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Oh, he dih’ ‘nt
Dick Cheney is touring the hurricane damage in New Orleans. It was really embarrassing, President Bush advised Cheney to bring his lesbian daughter to help him with the dikes.

So mean, so mean
Monica Lewinski is moving to England. That’s interesting, now, in England, the food won’t be the only thing that sucks.

Pump you up
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to veto the gay marriage bill. Apparently Arnold doesn’t think homosexuality and marriage go together; Arnold feels that homosexuality should stay where it belongs: in body building.

Way back then
During her riding accident Madonna said her life flashed in front of her eyes. Madonna said it was so vivid, she re-lived when she dated Jose Conseco back when he still had testicles.

The horror
During her riding accident Madonna said her life flashed in front of her eyes and it was the absolute worst acting she’s ever seen.


Hate to hear that
It looks like Barry Bonds might play this season for the San Francisco Giants. You can tell Barry is rusty, he swung and missed and accidentally shot his steroids into another player’s ass.

That would do it
Lance Armstrong is so furious at French doping allegations he might return to the Tour De France next year just to make the French mad. You really want to make the French mad? Replace their wine bottles with shampoo bottles.

Nice change
Lance Armstrong is engaged to Sheryl Crow. Lance is looking forward to the honeymoon when Lance will be able to spend two weeks pumping something besides bike pedals.

While we’re being annoying
Many media figures insist that the victims of Katrina be called evacuees and not refugees. While we’re at it, let’s refer to FEMA not as inept but efficiency challenged.

That won’t do it
Michael Jackson wants to make his image more masculine. How is he going to do that? Replace Bubbles the chimp with Bruno the gorilla?

As we speak Michael Jackson is having a new plastic nose modeled after Russell Crowe’s.


Back to normal
Rap mogul Sug Knight has been released from the hospital after being shot in the leg. Doctors say, with therapy, Sug should be up and shooting other rappers in no time.

How expensive is it?
Can you believe gas prices? My gas station pump has three choices, Regular octane, Premium and If You Have To Ask, You Can’t Afford It.

By the way, high gas prices are annoying enough, can we stop calling gas unleaded? It hasn’t been leaded in thirty years. For that matter, we can also stop calling them service stations?

That explains it
It’s been reported that Spain is now the number one consumer of cocaine. This also explains how during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, everybody was able to outrun the bulls.

It's the thought that counts
This week the Mexican Navy sent a ship to Louisiana loaded with aid for areas affected by Hurricane Katrina. The bad news? The ship deflated before it actually left Mexican waters.

Michael Moore is less
This week, director Michael Moore called President Bush a “lazy, self-satisfied lunatic.” Here’s my question: should someone, like Bush, who runs and bikes everyday, be called lazy by a guy, like Michael Moore, who only sweats when shoving through the all-you-can-eat buffet?


Director Michael Moore called President Bush a “lazy, self-satisfied lunatic.” That has to hurt coming from a guy who still has hot dog bun crumbs in his beard from the Fourth of July.

If you ain’t helpin’ you hurtin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Classy guy
Britney Spears’s husband, Kevin Federline, said he wants to name their baby Vegas because it’s one of his favorite places. It could be worse, he could want to name the child: Strip Club.

Late again
FEMA is under a lot of heat for responding late to New Orleans. FEMA has been a little slow to get to disasters. Here it is September and FEMA still hasn’t helped the Kansas City Royals.

Dial it down, Paris
The New York Post says that Paris Hilton is so famous she can’t go in public without a disguise. For her disguise, Paris has been toning her look way down from skank to just plain ol’ whore.

Not nice
Some sad news, Bob Denver who played Gilligan on “Gilligan’s Island” passed away. On the bright side, after he died, his acting improved dramatically.

Mon Dieu
Lance Armstrong is furious at French doping accusations and might return to cycling just to make the French mad. You really want to make the French mad? Replace their wine bottles with shampoo bottles.


Don’t be Judge playa hatin’
Right after Chief Justice William Rehnquist passed away, President Bush nominated John Roberts to be the new Chief Justice. This didn’t sit well with some of the judges. In fact, when he heard Justice David Souter said; “Say what? Oh, snap, no he di’n’t. What the mofizzy?”

Not glaad
The Gay, Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation say they are not enough gay characters in the Fall TV lineup. Apparently GLAAD didn’t hear about the new CBS show, “Everybody Loves Ryan Seacrest.”

Or
The Gay, Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation say they are not enough male gay characters in the Fall lineup. Apparently GLAAD won’t be happy until there are so many male gay characters “Desperate Housewives” turns into “Really Desperate Housewives.”


Keeping with the theme
The conditions in New Orleans conditions have been described as going from the Jetsons to the Flintstones. Yeah, and apparently the head of FEMA, Michael Brown, turned into Mr. Magoo.


Oh, brother
Hurricane Katrina couldn’t stop a gay rights parade last Saturday in downtown New Orleans. Apparently they marched chanting “We’re here, we’re queer, and nobody sane is anywhere near.”

Bar none
Did you know that two bars stayed open in New Orleans right after hurricane Katrina? Is this a great country or what?

Did you know that two bars stayed open in New Orleans right after hurricane Katrina? In fact,there is only one drink you couldn’t get in New Orleans after Katrina: A hurricane.

Did you know that two bars stayed open in New Orleans right after hurricane Katrina? That may be a sign you have a drinking problem. “Save my home and family? Nah, I’ll go get a beer instead.”

Poor Midge
After her riding accident, Madonna is doing better but she said, when she fell, her life flashed in front of her eyes. So the poor girl had to see “Swept Away” and “Body of Evidence” again? My word, hasn’t this woman suffered enough?

Since you asked:
You know how there are bad stupid movies "Gigli" but there are also good stupid movies? "Tommy Boy" is a really good stupid movie. Same could be said for "Raising Arizona."

Well I was half watching "Predator" and just when I was thinking that it was a pretty good stupid movie, a thought hit me: our country elected not one, but two governors from that stupid movie. Arnold and Jesse.

Wow. How sad is that?

Where is the love, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



Lance Romance
Lance Armstrong is engaged to Sheryl Crow. Right after Lance proposed, French sport magazine L’Equippe declared that the diamond engagement ring was really Cubic Zirconia.


Lance Armstrong is engaged to Sheryl Crow. Lance said that Sheryl made him the happiest man alive. Upon which French sport magazine L’Equippe immediately declared that a lie saying drunk playboy Irish actor Colin Ferrell is actually the happiest man alive.

We kid the Garden State
The New Orleans Saints will play their opening home game at Giant Stadium in New Jersey. The Saints wanted to escape playing in a toxic, dangerous area, but for now they’ll have to play in New Jersey anyway.

Easy street
Every team in the National League East has a better record than the Western division leading San Diego Padres. Right now the Padres are like being on celebrity “Jeopardy” against Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. “I’ll take “Letters of the Alphabet for $100”, Alex.”

L.A.M.E.
Now they are The Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, is finally getting food, water and medical supplies to the hurricane victims. Apparently FEMA now stands for Fast, Efficient, My Ass.