Thursday, November 26, 2015

This just in:

"TMZ" reported 19-year-old Philadelphia Sixers superstar, Jahil Okafor, knocked out a man outside of a Boston bar. They were afraid the man suffered brain damage in the fight, but then they realized he was already that mentally impaired in order to start a fight with a 6-11, 275 pound NBA star. 

In a related story, the man Okafor knocked out set a new world record for contacting an attorney.

In another related story, every NBA stadium will now play the Rolling Stones “Street Fighting Man” when Okafor takes the floor. 

In another related story, the new fastest way to get rich is to wait outside a bar and yell "The Sixers suck" at Jahil Okafor. 

This drink I have is weaker than Tony Romo's attempt to tackle an interceptor. 

On Thanksgiving, the Detroit Lions beat the Philadelphia Eagles 45-14. Only in America can an Eagle turn into a turkey on Thanksgiving. 

On Thanksgiving, the Detroit Lions beat the Philadelphia Eagles 45-14. Damn, I cannot get ahold of my attorney to copyright my “Eagles turn into a turkey on Thanksgiving” joke. 

A man who worked in a New Jersey pork roll factory who was fired for his flatulence is suing. Here’s some advice: If your farts stink more than both a pork roll factory and New Jersey, you don’t need a lawyer, you need a doctor. 

Donald Trump takes a poop on stage, lights it on fire. "Fox News" marvel at his brilliant mocking of liberal’s fake global warming concerns.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Adele is already working on the follow up to her song “Hello.” It is “No, I don’t want solar power. Take me off your calling list.” 

My favorite part about Thanksgiving is when I eat too much turkey and get so sleepy I start bragging about how I tried to stab someone and failed. 

A Connecticut man, who lost a testicle during his vasectomy, sued the hospital and was awarded $386,000 in damages. But his legal fees were high so that award will barely cover his nut. 

Asked how he felt to win, he said he had a ball.

A Connecticut man, who lost a testicle during his vasectomy, sued the hospital and was awarded $386,000 in damages. Apparently the man thought that wasn’t enough. When asked about the settlement, he was a little testy.

When asked how this could have happened, the surgeon said; “What can I say? I dropped the ball on this one.” 

Connecticut man lost a testicle during his vasectomy. Talk about taking the nut out of Connecticut. 

Apparently the evidence was lopsided in favor of the plaintiff. 

Do you know which state raises the most turkeys? Minnesota. Although you might have said California when you consider the Kardashians. 

Tensions between Russia and Turkey over the downed Russian jet continues to escalate. Experts are concerned it may reach the level of the feud between Anthony Bourdain and Guy Fiere. 

A feminist blogger made sourdough bread from the yeast in her vagina. Not only does it sound disgusting, she got fired from her job at Panera Bread. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Donald Trump claimed he can predict terrorism. If that thing on his head sees its shadow, Trump predicts six more weeks of orange high risk alert. 
After a video showed Cleveland QB, Johnny “Football” Manziel partying, he was benched. At the risk of sounding like an old guy, if they had video in phones in the days of Joe Namath, Don Meredith and Kenny Stabler, the Super Bowl would be the Mildly Interesting Bowl. 

In short, with one video he goes from Johnny “Football” to Johnny “Clipboard.” 

Denver Bronco is benching Peyton Manning and starting Brock Osweiler against the New England Patriots. At this point for Manning even Nationwide is not on his side.

Pfizer and Allergan are merging,  the makers of Viagra, and Botox. So whether it is a penis or a face, their goal is to remove the wrinkles. 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Talking of his Tweets, Donald Trump said; “Somebody said I am the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.” Upon hearing this, Ernest Hemingway described himself as; “The rotisserie chicken of spinning corpses.” 

A feminist blogger made sourdough bread using the yeast from her vagina. To see the recipe, go to:

MNF Lexervations

Anyone who watches those GMC truck commercials who think they’re making $7,700 by buying a truck needs to stop drinking. They just lowered the amount you’re getting ripped-off by $7,700.

Big fan of Jon Gruden, but he sounds more and more like the old “SNL” “Dah Bearsssss” skit.

The amount of turf injuries in the NFL is ridiculous. If Phoenix, with a domed stadium, can grow grass outside and roll it in, any stadium can have real grass. 

Somehow the refs have been as bad as the old replacement refs. Whatever you do, refs, always remember, especially Ed Hochuli, that the real reason we really tune in a game is to hear you make a call. 

Did I have a brain episode, or can I understand what Bob Dylan says in those IBM Watson commercials?

Even though he was a non-factor in the game, he was a factor in the commercials. Gronk can Gronk like no Gronk has ever Gronked before. It is good to be the Gronk. Gronk on, Gronk, Gronk on. 

This isn’t a “MNF” thing, but the more a chef uses molecular gastronomy, the more of a douche-bag they are. 

Thinking of making a video game about Charlie Sheen and call it “Call of Booty.” No I’m not.

No tattoos are the new tattoos. If everyone is a rebel, nobody is a rebel. 

Wonder what penalties that old referee, Gerry Austin, called during the Custer-Sitting Bull game? 

The Texas clock-making kid, Ahmed Mohamed, is suing for $15 million. His clock is so accurate, it marked the split-second he lost all sympathy with the public. 

“60 Minutes” featured a segment where 12 ISIS members - who executed a prisoner in front of children - were blown up in a house. I think the name of the story was: “Better Than Porn.”

A consumer watch-group has listed the ten most dangerous toys for this year including a quick-folding trampoline. Although that is not as dangerous as the toy: the quick-lighting welding torch.

Why even make a quick-folding trampoline? That’s like an easily-detachable parachute. 

Bernie Sanders is having trouble getting black followers. For some reason black people are not responding to an old Colonel Sanders-looking white guy who shouts all the time.  

The winner of the Zimbabwe 4th annual Mr. Ugly Contest was accused of cheating. How can it get worse than, A, winning a Mr. Ugly contest and then, B, being so ugly you’re accused of cheating? “Nobody can be that ugly naturally. He has to cheat.”  

There’s a viral video of Cleveland Brown QB, Johnny “Football” Manziel swinging a champagne bottle post-rehab. A couple more rehab lapses and he will be Johnny “Boomerang” Manziel. 

A top Hillary Clinton aide called the L.A. Laugh Factory and demanded they remove a video with Hillary jokes. Imagine if this wasn't the Hillary campaign that vowed to be funnier and more easy-going? 

Since you asked:

One of the things I love about being a dyed-in-the-wool politically undeclared is that when I do a succession of Dr. Ben/Jeb/Trump jokes, my republican friends ask; "When did you become so liberal?" Same reaction from my democrat friends when I do a few Hillary/Bernie jokes. "Why are you so conservative?" 

The Syrian refugee issue is a real watershed. Some of my more conservative friends hear "Syrian Refugee" and they think "Potential Terrorist." My liberal friends think if you're not willing to adopt Syrian refugees into your home, you're in cahoots with Vladimir Putin. 

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Did you see Celine Dion’s touching tribute to Paris during the AMA’s? I have not seen people in the music business cry that hard since the Coast Guard confiscated a billion dollars worth of cocaine. 

Picking Tiger Woods as Vice Captain for the Ryder Cup is genius. The only person who knows more about vice than Tiger Woods is Charlie Sheen.

Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, and Allergen, the maker of Botox, are going to merge. That is a company that should make for some stiff competition.

The winner of the Zimbabwe 4th annual Mr. Ugly Contest was accused of cheating. They said he was intentionally impersonation Donald Trump. 

Soccer legend, David Beckham is “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. And Jeb Bush is “People” magazine’s Jebiest Man Alive.