Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Cubs are gonna Riker’s beard this beeeeeyaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An Austrian man who cut his arm off in an industrial accident, drove himself nine miles to the hospital; the worst part? He was texting while driving.

O.J. Simpson is back in court and he has gained a lot of weight; all my life I wanted to be built just like OJ Simpson and now I am. Super.

In New Jersey, a man, 75, and a woman, 66, were busted for running a cocaine and prostitution ring out of a retirement home; because who doesn’t want a prostitute who will give you a $50 discount for rubbing her bunions?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who smells like Ben Gay?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who plays the Jumble puzzle while you’re having sex?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who sends you a check for $4 on your birthday?

Since you asked:

Had an awesome SUP surf session at La Jolla Shores this morgan. Nice sets of close to four feet. Got some nice rights and kicked out.

But, man was I whomped, tired, bushed, beat, kerflumped. When I was watching my Blackhawks, I fell asleep for what seemed like a second and it turns out it was one hour later. It is the closest I will ever get to time travel.

Then watched the Preakness. Bummer Orb didn’t win. Or as dyslexics call him: Bro.

But the Preakness really is the Pontiac to the Derby’s Cadillac. The Jimmy Christ to Jesus Christ. The Steven Tyler to Mick Jagger. The Ke$ha to Shakira. The memorabilia re- trial OJ to the murder trial OJ. The Lyndon Johnson to Kennedy. The Nixon to Lyndon Johnson. The Jefferson Starship to Jefferson Airplane. The all-the-sequel “Lethal Weapons” to “Lethal Weapon.” The post “Ransom” Mel Gibson to the pre “Ransom” Mel Gibson. "Cosby" to "The Cosby Show." The four-striped knock-offs to Adidas. New "American Idol" to now "American Idol." 

And the Belmont is an intramural football game to the Rose Bowl. 

Friday, May 17, 2013


Underrated song

Thursday, May 16, 2013

We so gonna so gonna, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An Indiana sewer worker discovered a Civil War cannonball; it is even signed by Civil War Brigadier General Larry King.

A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; apparently he had that old seven-hour itch.

O.J. Simpson made an appearance in court; O.J. now stands for obese and jaundiced.

A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; this guy makes the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries marriage look good.

Detroit Lions receiver, Titus Young, was arrested three times in one week; or as the Cincinnati Bengals call that: one week.

Kobe Bryant is suing his mother for selling his memorabilia; Thanksgiving should be fun at the Bryant house. “Could you pass the potatoes to my child I bore who is suing me for selling an old t-shirt?”

There is a Viagra commercial where a guy with an old truck is camping by himself on the beach and his lighter doesn’t work so he starts a bonfire by scraping his knife against a rock. Are they trying to market to guys too stupid to use the truck’s cigarette lighter?

A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; how much money is this guy going to spend on anniversary presents?

OJ Simpson is in court looking bloated and fat; all my life I wanted to have a build like OJ Simpson. Now I do. Life sucks. 

Since you asked:

There is a good reason doing something differently generally sucks.  

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

They got the snookus in they tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

O.J. Simpson is in court blaming his prison sentence on his lawyer; a double murderer versus a lawyer. That’s tough. Who do you pick on that one? 

It was hot today. I was sweating like Sergio Garcia looking at a water hazard.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally won after an eight game losing streak; This officially makes the Dodgers the highest paid losers not named Kardashian.

They are going to make the movie “Rocky” into a lavish Broadway musical. “That sounds like a great idea,” said the only gay “Rocky” fan in the world.

Since you asked:

Bill Maher is a funny and wildly successful guy. The problem? He’s a jerk. Know this from talking to a woman who wrote for him. She probably doesn’t have to work again from the sexual harassment settlement she won while working at “Politically Incorrect.”

Maher revealed that reverse racism is still racism. He made a joke that Barack Obama was only Wayne Brady black, not real black. And Brady is pissed. And he should be.

What Maher was trying to convey is that he prefers his black men more “street.” That makes Maher seem cooler. What he is also saying is that Black men should be less articulate and more confrontational.

That is racist. “What do you mean you people?”

When an announcer says a white player is articulate, he means he is well-educated and verbally adroit. When an announcer says a black player is articulate, they mean he doesn’t sound like Moses Malone, “Fo’, fo’, fo.’

Maher is as white as it gets, so Brady offered to give Maher a beat-down in public to prove his blackness. Maher ran and hid.

Now who is the pathetic racial stereotype? Maher is the quintessential cowardly white weakling sucking up to black people because he is afraid of them. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The band - The Weight (Take a load off Annie/Fanny)

Awwwright, awwwwright, awwwwwright, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot today. I was sweating like White House spokesperson, Jay Carney, talking about the IRS.

TMZ reports that Kris Jenner and her daughter, Khloe Kardashian, were too drunk to film an episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” That’s worse than too drunk to fish. That’s too drunk to be an idiot. 

The big cycling race, The Amgen Tour of California, started today in San Diego. The first stage was won by, oh, who cares?  He is just going to get caught using performance enhancing drugs and be disqualified.

On the last two holes of the Players Championship, Sergio Garcia hit three balls in the water. In fact, the only thing to ever have more balls in the water than Sergio was the Chinese women’s swim team. 

Since you asked:
Maybe we need to cut Donald Trump, Kristen Stewart, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian a wee bit of slack. (OK, who are you and what have you done with our buddy, Lex?)

Bear with me.

Fame must really be addicting. Look at the lengths that cesspool condensation in human form, O.J. Simpson, goes to stay in the public eye. It is so needy and pathetic it almost makes you feel sorry for O.J. minus that whole “He butchered two innocent people” thing. 

Tiger Woods wins the Players. Yes, he is back and dickier than ever. 

What is with the PGA, and the broadcasters, insistence of playing the Tiger-is-really-a-good-guy card? They do it with Vijay Singh too. Vijay got caught cheating on his scorecard in Asia. He ripped off a tournament promoter in Australia for several thousands. Now he is suing the PGA for cheating with deer antler spray. Vijay is an a-hole. Say it.

Trust me, I get it that golf promotes itself as a gentleman’s classy sport. But true class is being honest even if it isn’t in the sport’s – or the broadcast’s – best interest. Quite frankly, as Michael Jordan did before him, Tiger has bullied the PGA to be afraid of him. Among his many negative traits, Tiger is a vindictive bastard. When someone crosses Tiger, he makes them pay. (Which is hypocritical knowing what a cheap bastard Tiger is)

Now it turns out not only did Tiger lie about pulling out a club during Sergio Garcia’s swing, he tried to throw a TPC Marshall under the bus to cover it up. Tiger Woods is a carp-faced, flatulent little slimy weasel liar.

Ew, I like that. I’m going to say it again: Tiger Woods is a carp-faced, flatulent little slimy weasel liar. (Sorry O'Snake) 

Afterwards Sergio said; "Tiger is not the nicest guy on the tour." Which, in polite golf-speak, essentially accused Tiger of being a serial killer. 

But I still, for now, love watching Tiger play golf. However, the list of Tiger enemies is huge and growing. And not just people who Tiger used, fired and then threw under the bus, like his ex-caddies and swing coaches. 

There is no money in it for PGA players in publically hating Tiger Woods, in fact it is probably financially detrimental. But Phil and Sergio and others gladly do it anyway they hate him so much. Why doesn’t the PGA, CBS and the rest of the press just go ahead and award the black hat to Tiger? It would be more honest and a lot more fun.

No question golf is more fun when Tiger is winning. And he is winning again. Big. 

As of right now, the good news for golf is that Tiger is really fun to hate.  What golf and CBS and the Golf Channel and Nike and IMG need to stay awake at night worrying about is when Tiger crosses over from fun to hate, to you hate him so much it isn’t any fun. Like Trump, Lance Armstrong and Paris Hilton. Then nobody watches.

As of now we can still watch and admire Tiger despite knowing he is an incredible nasty little brat at age 37. One more scandal, say with PED’s, and Tiger is toast.

By the way, is anyone buying the sincerity of Tiger's "relationship" with Lindsay Vonn. There hasn't been a union more phony since the movie studio found someone for Rock Hudson to marry. But without the gay-thing.

Lance Armstrong went from fun to hate to no fun. (By the way, what is the over-and-under on who will rat out Tiger for using Performance Enhancing Drugs? When that happens, and it will, Tiger will shift from “Fun to hate” to “You hate him so much it is no fun” immediately just like Lance, Ben Roethlisberger and O.J.)

It is painful to see how much the true legends of the golf world, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus, have so tepidly accepted Tiger. The expressions on their faces when confronted with Tiger are the same as someone who has just detected a nasty fart.

No less than sports-writing legends Rick Reilly and Dan Jenkins have gone public with their hatred of Tiger Woods. How bad a guy is Tiger? In “ESPN” magazine, Reilly reveals Tiger has a half-brother dying of M.S. and in severe financial difficulties Tiger flat out shuns. True, there may be two sides to this story, but, given his track record, Tiger is probably wrong on both sides.

It boils down to the fact Tiger is a dorky, foul-mouthed, low-class drunken scumbag who lies and cheated on his wife, family and fans. How many Lance Armstrong’s, Ben Roethlisberger’s and Kobe's and Tiger Woods’s will have to implode before Nike realizes you can’t manipulate someone who is essentially a horrible person into a beloved and honorable sports hero? These days of Twitter and Facebook and e-mails, the truth comes out faster and faster.

In the old days you could hide a selfish a-hole much better like Joe DiMaggio or Willy Mays or Pete Rose or Mickey Mantle or Jim Brown.

Obviously Nike thinks we are stupid. Or they think they are way smarter than us, not sure which is worse. Nike thinks they can fool us into marketing athletes as upstanding heroes who are actually horrible people. Sometimes it takes time, like with Lance Armstrong, but we, the people, will figure out who the bad guys are.

So go eff youself, Nike. Look at your boy, Kobe. The guy is suing his mother. You know, the woman who gave him life? Her. 

Tiger was, and always will be, a nerdy Bellflower/Cypress schmuck in tight shorts and tube socks with taped-glasses and no friends named Eldrick who just happens to be a great, great golfer.  (And he really is the greatest golfer, no question. But so what?)  

Yes, we all learned on the fateful Thanksgiving night, Tiger is not the nice guy Nike and I.M.G. pedaled him to be. But he could still have a long, long way to fall if he is as bad as some, namely Rick Reilly, say.

Despite all of his great accomplishments in golf, Tiger Woods is a bullying loser, just like Donald Trump, Lance Armstrong, Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh. You can’t hide a bullying loser under a guise of a cool alpha male. The bullying loser will always emerge as a hypocrite living a farce.

Same with Eldrick, er, Tiger.