Robert Plant | 'If I Were A Carpenter' | Official Music Video

This is what happens when a great song combines with a great singer

My taint is turnt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Russia’s parliament just voted to decriminalize domestic violence. Man, they must really want an NFL team.

(this line really offended two, um, people on Facebook)

In San Francisco, a kinky porn studio is closing. Remember, in San Francisco, kinky porn is missionary position between a married man and woman. 

The proposed import tax of 20% to pay for the wall would actually be paid for by US consumers.  Asked to comment, Donald Trump said, “Fake news,” and ran away.

Chris Bertish has made it halfway across the Atlantic on a stand up paddle board. Once I ate Tang crystals with a spoon because I did not want to have to go the trouble of mixing it with water. 

A study claims a four-second pause is enough to make a conversation awkward. Especially if it follows the statement, “You’re standing on my foot.” 

For me, this sums up why Hillary lost the election

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



An all-nude cruise ship is leaving from Florida to Mexico. An all-nude cruise ship with retired people who like a midnight buffet just doesn’t seem like a good combination.



In San Francisco, a kinky porn studio in the Mission Armory building is closing down. The owner will rent it out as office space. Pending a black-light inspection. 

To make an easy transition from sadism and masochism to a work place, they will lease it to the IRS.



A man with an 18-inch penis has been offered a role in a porn movie. So good luck with making “The Alex Kaseberg Story.”



In San Francisco, a famous kinky porn studio is closing. It’s tough when a porn studio has to close because they couldn’t get it to come together in the end. 

An angry Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski, banned his team from their locker room. Just like the women’s high school volleyball coach did to me. 


Since you asked:

Besides what we all know is better, is there anything better than that warm, creamy, buttery feeling that melts all over your brain when you know you’re tired and about to fall asleep? 

I've gone two days without coffee.

And my medal is . . . where? 

Going without booze is easy. Went a month without this summer. Going without coffee is like fasting. It is not natural. 

A North Carolina woman was upset to see the word “lesbianism” listed as a problem on her medical chart. She prefers the term Hoo-Ha Enthusiast. 

A man in Mexico has an 18-inch penis. His name is Jose Grande. 

A famous building for filming kinky porn in San Francisco, the Mission Armory, is closing down. You know things are tough when a kinky porn studio is having trouble making ends meet.



It was Donald and Melania’s 12th wedding anniversary. If you want to get them a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Compatibility. 

Rest in peace, Mary Tyler Moore. A class act who reminded me of my mom. Miss you, mom. 




Donald Trump’s counselor, Kellyanne Conway, got in a fight with a man at one of the inaugural balls. It got ugly. Kellyanne inaugurated a kick to his balls. 




Alanis Morissette’s business manager was found guilty of stealing $4.8 mil. from her. Asked to comment, Alanis asked, “Isn’t it ironic?” Once again, we had to remind Alanis, no, it was just unfortunate.

Even a blind-ass squirrel find a nut every now and again, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump announced he will nominate a Supreme Court Justice in the next week. So keep your fingers crossed, Chief Justice Dennis Rodman. 

Body language expert, Patti Wood, said, at the inauguration, Donald Trump treated Melania as an object. To which Trump said, “Yeah, but a hot object.”  

A man in Mexico has an 18-inch penis.  Today, Sean Spicer accused him of counting those inches illegally. 




Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol Palin lashed out against the feminist marches. The abstinence spokesperson, Bristol, then had to interrupt her message to get pregnant with her fourth child from her third father. 



A man in Mexico has an 18-inch penis.  But he can only use 12-inches as a rule. 

(old joke) 

If I Were a Carpenter

LORDE - Royals

Similarity in the melodies of "Royals" and "If I Were a Carpenter" is all I'm saying.

In Boston, Dennis Harrison pled not-guilty to pulling the hotel fire alarm where the Steelers were staying. His statement to police was, “I’m drunk, I’m stupid, I’m a Pats fan.” Incidentally, “I’m drunk, I’m stupid, I’m a Pats fan,” is going to be Rob Gronkowski’s first tattoo. 

A Florida man says he is training a goldendoodle named Patton to be the Trump’s White House pet. First they have to see if Patton gets along with that thing on Trump’s head.

A man in Mexico claims he has an 18-inch penis. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump said, “Please tell me those 18 inches are alternative facts.” 

Melania Trump offered to build a wall around him. 

In a related story, the next “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” will be filmed in Mexico.

It is the fourth anniversary of Blockbuster closing and I am still on hold at one of their stores. 



#FreeKatieRich. But can I get a job writing for "SNL" if I promise not to write a joke that Barron was the last Trump to see Melania naked? 


Since you asked:

When I used to work in La Jolla for Shearson Lehman as a stock broker, in the mid/late 80’s, there were several old-school guys, greying or dyed hair, sideburns too long, loud ties and shirts, who would get their every morning at 6:30 AM, when the market opened, like clockwork. Hungover as dogs. They would turn in trades that generated thousands of dollars in commissions. 

At 8:00 AM, they would head out to a diner for an old school breakfast of bacon and eggs and lots of coffee. Back to the office, while sucking on toothpicks, to churn out another couple thousand in commissions.  


One O’Clock, when the market closed, it was off to the Whaling Bar at the La Valancia hotel or George’s By the Cove for seafood lunch and cocktails. If they came back, which they often did not, they came back with a good snoot-on to make a few more calls and set up the mornings thousands of dollars of trades. 

Out the door by 3 PM driving home half-drunk in their Cadillacs.

It was this routine everyday except on Friday. On Friday, instead of lunch at the Whaling Bar, they had lunch at the La Jolla Country Club and then played a round of golf, followed by a seriously boozy dinner and dancing.  

On Fridays if they didn't play golf, our beloved manager, Jack Frager, would call a wine company to do a testing on our patio overlooking the ocean. We would drink free wine all afternoon. 


Riley asked how he could get that life. 

White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said the Inauguration crowd was the biggest one ever.  Spicer added Trump’s first 100 days were also a huge success. #MathAintHisThang.


One year ago, Mike Tyson listed his Las Vegas mansion on the market and it sold right away. Because Mike said it was, “Lishted to shell.” 


In Florida, the maid of honor at a wedding guzzled a bottle of whisky, stole the best man’s car, attacked paramedics and exposed herself to police. But at 95, Betty White can celebrate her birthday anyway she wants.


Donald Trump’s counselor, Kellyanne Conway, said Sean Spicer used alternative facts. Using alternative facts, congratulations to the Green Bay Packers on beating the Atlanta Falcons.


Initial Super Bowl ticket sales are slow. Don’t worry, though, if Lady Gaga bows out at half, Toby Keith will fill in.


Donald Trump was just told by millions of marching women they can’t stand him. Suddenly my prom date leaving with the drummer doesn’t seem so bad.

Aziz Ansari’s attempt to talk dirty with his girlfriend goes way bad in ...