It smack daddy up and got right hinky on our dibjab, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Looking good
Did you see the “Sixty Minutes” interview of Bruce Springsteen? He looks great for 58. At first I thought “Why are they showing a 1968 interview of Keith Richards?”

That figures
In college football, #1 USC lost to unranked Stanford. USC was favored by 41 points over Stanford. USC was favored by 4I points. It’s the opposite of when the students take IQ tests.

So far so good
Congratulations to Los Angeles area drivers, it is day six of Lindsay Lohan’s rehab release and you are still alive. Keep up the good work.

Come on, bring it here
An arbitrator ruled that the Atlanta Falcons can get their $20 million dollar bonus back from Michael Vick; wow, how great is that? The world’s most expensive game of fetch.

Or something like that
An article in “Details” magazine claims it is a myth that gay men dress better than straight men; I believe the name of the article is “The Richard Simmons Story.”

Not good
After years of denials, Olympic gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. She had to give back her Olympic medals. Actually, they were confiscated at gun point by OJ Simpson.

Is it donut or doughnut?
A man in Missouri faces thirty years in prison, on his third strike, for stealing a donut. The man denied that he stole the donut and today OJ Simpson offered to help him find the real crullers.

A man in Missouri faces thirty years in prison, on his third strike, for stealing a donut. How would you like to be that guy in prison? “What are you in for?” “Maple glazed.”

A sure sign
Olympic gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. Jones finally decided to stop using steroids right about when her testicles began to shrink.

How old is he?
The Carolina Panthers signed retired 43-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde. This could be tricky. Testaverde is so old he wears his pants so high you can’t see his number.

The Carolina Panthers signed retired 43-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde. Testaverde is so old, instead of yelling out audible at the line of scrimmage, he yells; “You punks get off my lawn.”

The Carolina Panthers signed retired 43-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde. Vinny is so old he is actually called Vinny. Young quarterbacks now are named Carson, Eli, Peyton, Brady, Rex and Alex. Guys named Vinny play shuffleboard in Miami.

Since you asked:
We live in amazing time, Slats and Nugglies.

As you know, it is a fine, enlightened time when they conjure back and promote the wonderful sport that is standup paddleboarding. Although it has been a few weeks since I’ve done it, I am hooked. But alas, I had been unable to find a board to my liking to buy so that put me in the annoying position of borrowing boards or renting them and there are few to rent.

Thursday, at about one o’clock pm, I decide to check out eBay to see what they have. Low and behold up pops a beautiful yellow, blue and white board. (For a while I thought I would order a custom board just so I could have it in my beloved UCSB school colors of yellow and blue)

But is the beautiful yellow and blue board the right size? Sure enough it is. 30 inches wide and five inches deep, 12 feet long. Perfect for general cruising and riding waves. When I get better at riding waves I can get a smaller more maneuverable board, but for now this one was perfect.

So I find the guy’s number and call. Sure enough he is in Anaheim, just over an hour up the 5. The board got some dings in it when it was shipped so the guy gave me an incredible deal. Most SUB (standup boards) are a minimum of $1500 plain.

This board was the right size, the right color and he added great deck pads, a leash, a board bag and car rack pads and straps all for just over $1000. They opened up at 9:30 am and I was there panting when the door opened. I was gone by 10:00 and in the surf with my dream board in Del Mar by Noon the next day.

Of course the water was too cold, as I didn't have a wetsuit, and the waves were six foot crashers, so I came right back out, but you got the idea.

This how we do how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Juice is loose
More bad news for Britney Spears; Spears claims someone broke into her house and stole her homemade sex videos; not only that, OJ Simpson broke in and got a lot of his memorabilia back.

Oh no I di’ . . . ‘nt
The annual cat show is at Madison Square Garden; there was an embarrassing moment when a confused New York Knick coach, Isaiah Thomas, showed up to try and get some pussy.

You’re next, little guy
Pamela Anderson married Rick Solomon, the guy in the Paris Hilton video. In addition to Pamela and Paris, this guy was married to Shannon Daugherty. Bad news girls, apparently he was one of the last single straight guys in Hollywood, now he’s getting married. David Spade rest up.

Apt winner
Former “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker is being sued for sexual harassment for the seventh time, the guy is 83. On the bright side, Viagra named Bob Man-of-the-year.

So ugly
Border Agents now shoot pepper balls at illegal immigrants crossing in from Mexico; this has upset Mexican officials, so now when Americans try to sneak into Mexico, Mexican border agents will shoot Wonder Bread at them.

Sure sign
Taco Bell has opened a restaurant in Mexico. You can tell by all the American rats running across the Mexican border.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Yesterday the White House celebrated Columbus day; there was one awkward moment when President Bush remarked that Columbus was his favorite raincoat-wearing TV detective.

That’s telling them, Trorats
USC is still reeling from losing to underdog Stanford; when asked to comment, an angry USC student said, “Oh yeah? Well at least we’re more goodlier than Stanford in the classroom.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it, 2
Michael Vick's dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. It was a little awkward when President Bush heard Vick’s dogs were saved from euthanasia, he said; “What is it with them kids in Asia and eating dogs?”

Since you asked:
My nine-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, came up to me yesterday in tears because she studied very hard for her fourth grade math test but only got a B+. Needless to say, this is all brand new territory for me, so suggestions are welcomed.

Can we start a new rule? No more walking in the middle of the street when there is a perfectly good sidewalk right next to you. And the same people who meander in the middle of the street are the same ones who meander in the middle of the mall parking lot who are the same people who cut you nasty looks for driving too close to them when you do pass them to get around them.

My friends think I am crazy when I tell them how insanely up-their-own-asses the people in this area are. Let me give you a recent example:

As I was driving with my daughter, I am proud to say I did not say a word, but a woman stopped her car – a very big SUV – in the middle of busy street, so she could better concentrate on her cell phone call. There were parked cars to the right and cars coming the other way so there was nowhere for me to go. Did I tap the horn? No. Like a nice guy, I waited.

Finally there was a break in the oncoming traffic so I looked behind me, signaled and went around her, just as I passed her and turned the signal on to return to my lane in front of her, she steps on it. I slam on the breaks and she slams on the breaks, still while she was in mid-phone conversation.

What did she do next? She laid on her horn and gave me the finger, of course.

We slammin’ and jammin’ in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancheres

Yikes
How embarrassing is it for Britney Spears to be declared a worse parent than Kevin Federline? That’s like having your dog run away to Michael Vick’s house.

Now that’s bad
An article in “Details” magazine claims it is a myth that gay men dress better than straight men; in fact, one gay guy dresses so badly, he looks just like an old senator from Idaho.

Or something like that
After their reportedly lame backstage fight at the MTV Awards, boxing promoters are trying to stage a match between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. I think it will be in Las Vegas and billed as “The Sleazers at Caesars.”

It gives me no joy to write these, as I am sure it does for you to read them
The Chicago Cubs lost their five game series to the Arizona Diamondbacks. In fact, the only good news is that the Cubs can feel good about fighting global warming because their bats generated no heat whatsoever.

The Chicago Cubs lost their five game series to the Arizona Diamondbacks at Wrigley Field. Remember that Chicago Cubs fan couple who just named their newborn son Wrigley Field? Today they changed his name to Wrigley Spearmint Gum.

Now these USC jokes give me joy
Number one USC lost to unranked Stanford and Notre Dame beat UCLA? What is going on? Thank goodness the Chicago Cubs lost or sports would make no sense anymore.

The Chicago Cubs lost in three games to the Arizona Diamondbacks and, in the last game, stranded eight runners on base. In fact, the Cubs stranded more guys than Paris Hilton did when she went to jail.

In the biggest upset in a year of upsets, 41-point-underdog Stanford beat #1 ranked USC 24-23. I haven’t seen USC students this upset since they stopped serving Beluga caviar and Cristal champagne at the dorms.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
At a White House dinner for Muslims, President Bush quoted the Muslim prophet Mohammad; embarrassingly, the Mohammad quote Bush used was; “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Mrs, Mrs Jones
After years of vehemently denying endless accusations, gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. In equally shocking sports news, baseball players spit.

After years of denials, Olympic gold medal sprinter Marion Jones admitted she used steroids. Apparently, when it came to using a lot of steroids, Jones was lying her balls off.

Finally some good news with Vick
Michael Vick's dog-fighting dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. The pit bulls will be put through a program so they can learn to get along with people and not attack. In sad new, however, Rosie O’Donnell had to be put down.

Michael Vick's dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. It was a little awkward when President Bush heard Vick’s dogs were saved from euthanasia, he said; “What is it with them kids in Asia and eating dogs?”

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim were swept, the Los Angeles Dodgers didn’t make the playoffs, and UCLA and USC were upset. You know it’s a bad sports weekend when the best performance was by L.A.’s NFL team.

We cookin’ low and slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? Everything came crashing down so fast they had to rename La Jolla: The New York Mets.

A survey in “Self” magazine claims 52% of people said they have had sex with someone at work; unless you work for the New York Mets, than everyone got screwed.

The hookers in Times Square are offering a New York Mets special. It’s $50, you can’t go all the way, but they will really suck.

Again, not good
How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? To give you an idea how bad it was, one Starbucks slid inside of another Starbucks.

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? To give you an idea how bad one road was so damaged, La Jollans actually had to shift their Hummers into four wheel drive for the first time.

Two houses slid down a hill and 15 more could slide down; and they say California real estate isn’t moving these days.

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? Two houses slid down a hill and 15 more might. In case you don’t know, La Jolla is an old Spanish word that means: Watch out for falling rich people.

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? It was traumatic, in one case the butler’s cottage nearly came in contact with the main house. It was horrible.

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? That’s the great thing about mudslides and earthquakes in California, if you don’t like your neighborhood, just wait, it can change.

How about the sinkhole and mudslide in wealthy La Jolla? It was a awkward, when President Bush was informed about the houses sliding in La Jolla he said; “We will send some aid to La Jolla just as soon as we help those other poor folks in Lah Gallah.”