Saturday, December 26, 2015

Tesla announced they are two years away from a driverless car. And BMW is three years away from a douche-bag-less car.

In San Diego, a young man looking at his cell phone walked off a cliff and fell to his death. He was breaking up with his girlfriend via text and proved two theories: Darwinism and Karma.

A woman being mauled by a bear was accidentally killed by a rifle shot from her husband. In general it has not been the best Christmas for Steve Harvey. 

After naming the wrong winner for 2015, Steve Harvey was just signed to a lucrative three-year-deal to host Miss Universe. After signing, Harvey said; “It is nice to have a six-year deal to host Miss America.” 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Google and Ford are teaming up to build a driverless car. And BMW and the makers of Preparation H are teaming up to make the perfect car for the perfect a-hole. 

Donald Trump got a lump of coal for Christmas. He said; “I’m going to have this coal pressed into a diamond. It will be huuuuuge.” 

Abstinence spokesperson, Bristol Palin, had her second child out of wedlock, a girl they named Sailor. The baby is named after pretty much all they know about the father.

Abstinence spokesperson, Bristol Palin, had her second child, a girl, out of wedlock. The baby is named Sailor I’m guessing after the father. They thought that name was better than The Tall Guy From the Bar.

Two female Louisiana high school English teachers were charged with having a three-way with a sixteen-year male student. Both women are facing jail and the boy is facing a lifetime of never having a Christmas this good ever again. 

Google and Ford are teaming up to build a driverless car. So one day soon, you too may own a Gooferd. 

Thursday, December 24, 2015

There is a clip of Cleveland Brown Johnny Manziel on the sideline whacking his head with a computer tablet. Johnny “Football” found out the hard way the soft in Microsoft is just a name.

Google and Ford are teaming up to build a driverless car. So one day soon, you too may own a Gooferd. 

There is a scary trend of women sleeping with celebrities and then taking a selfie with the guy sleeping and bribing them to not post it on Instagram. Kim Kardashian tried doing it to Kanye but it did not work. 

Google and Ford are teaming up to build a driverless car. And Preparation H and Range Rover are teaming up to make the car for the ultimate A-Hole. 

They held the Miss Iraq Pageant in Baghdad for the first time since 1972. In a unforeseen twist, Miss Congeniality was won by Miss ISIS. 

Miss Iraq is like a normal beauty pageant except the swimsuit competition is replaced by the Waterproof Burka competition.

My favorite story of the year was the Australian surfer who was bitten in the calf by a shark, killed the shark with his knife, stitched his wound and then went to a bar. But then he put Adele’s “Hello” on the jukebox and cried like a little bitch. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

On Twitter, Donald Trump said Hillary Clinton got “schlonged” in her 2008 loss to Obama. Schlong is a yiddish term for penis. Schmuck is a yiddish term for Donald Trump. 

After naming the wrong winner, Steve Harvey was just signed to a huge three-year-deal to host the Miss Universe Pageant. And I once got fired for making a personal call.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

In Texas, an attractive 28-year-old math teacher, Haeli Wey, was charged with having sex with two of her students. As a math teacher, she claims she was just trying to show them how many times 17 goes into 28.

It was part of her own educational policy: No child’s behind left.

Kris Jenner celebrated having her 10 millionth follower on Instagram. In a related story, the executives at Instagram had a face-down cry and then drank themselves to sleep. 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Courtney Kardashian was seen walking out of Justin Bieber’s L.A. hotel at 4:00 am. There are walks-of-shame and then there are death-marches of soul-crushing humiliation. 

Courtney Kardashian was seen making the walk-of-shame out of Justin Bieber’s L.A. hotel at 4:00 am. Calling leaving Bieber’s hotel a walk of shame is like calling the Titanic a boating mishap. 

Since you asked:
My cough made the death scene in "Carmen" look like “Footloose.”

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” made $517 mil. world wide. They’re already working on the sequel aimed at aging baby boomers: “Star Wars: The Force Needs to Take a Nap.” 

Republican South Carolina Senator, Lindsay Graham, is dropping out of the republican presidential race. This came as a shock to his supporter. 

Lindsay wants to spend more time with his cats

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” made $517 mil. world wide. In a related story, Radio Shack just renamed itself Radio Shack: The Force Awakens.

Steve Harvey named the wrong winner in the Miss Universe Pageant. It’s worse than you think. He said the winner was Miss ISIS. 

Forget Chris Rock hosting the Oscars, it should be Steve Harvey. “And the Academy Award for best actor goes to . . . Adam Sandler for “The Ridiculous Six.” 

Since you asked:

OK, "SNL," here's another one to use: start this joke off with Colin Jost and have him throw the punchline to Michael Che:

Actress Katherine McKee said, in 1974, she came to Bill Cosby’s Detroit hotel room with barbecue ribs, Cosby threw the ribs aside and raped her.  Michael?

“Come on. Everybody knows a brother would never throw away ribs.” 

Cockapoo Puppy Loves Her New Kiddie Pool

Sunday, December 20, 2015
Check this out at 3:40.

This was my post on Thursday, 12/17, 8:00 AM.

Kenan as Coz

Here is a quick example of (cough) genius at work:

"Saturday Night Live" Christmas skit.

Starring Kenan Thompson as Bill Cosby and Cicely Strong as a '60's babe. Duet to "Baby It's Cold Outside"

"Baby It's Cold Outside"
(I really can't stay) But, baby, it's cold outside
(I've got to go away) But, baby, it's cold outside
(This evening has been) Been hoping that you'd drop in
(So very nice) I'll hold your hands they're just like ice

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what's your hurry
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I'd better scurry) Beautiful, please don't hurry
(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour
(The neighbors might think) Baby, it's bad out there
(Say what's in this drink?) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

(I ought to say no, no, no, sir) Mind if I move in closer
(At least I'm gonna say that I tried) What's the sense of hurting my pride
(I really can't stay) Baby, don't hold doubt
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside

And then Cicely slowly gets woozy and passes out. Kenan looks at the camera, rubs his hand and acts like Cosby about to eat a Philly cheesesteak. 

This stuff writes itself.