You're a down cat and I dig that about you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Cleveland Indians pitcher, Trevor Bauer, missed his start in the ALCS against the Blue Jays because he cut his pinky on a drone. Bauer has a high ERA. No word if the drone cut to the bone and will dethrone the lone chance for Bauer to atone for how he’s thrown. 


Not positive, but I think Babe Ruth had the same injury once. 

Fantasy Football experts are saying it is risky to start Forty Niner QB, Colin Kaepernick. Fantasy Football experts went on to say that girls are yucky and have cooties. 





Donald Trump said Hillary Clinton should be drug tested before the next debate. This from the guy who was sniffing like Charlie Sheen in a Columbian disco. 





The CIA may launch a major cyber-attack against Russia. So we’ve gone from James Bond to User name @ManBunVapor. 

"Sorry, Miss, you misunderstood, we're interested in women who were grabbed there by a Trump."



Stompy the Wonder Chimp, stomp, stomp, stompin' around, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



It is the sixth anniversary of the invention of the thinnest substance known to man, Graphene. The second thinnest substance known to man? Donald Trump’s skin. 

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams said our dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents and how to please us. That and humping our legs. 

Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize for literature. Asked to comment, Bob Dylan said, “Well, fleeble wassle snaggle possers.” 

The CIA may launch a major cyber-attack against Russia. So we’ve gone from James Bond to Carl Snacklehiemer with the peanut allergy. 

Now that Salesforce has backed down, there are no bidders interested in buying Twitter. Their only chance to sell is to gather 140 characters to buy it. 

Dennis Hof, the pimp who owns the Nevada brothel where Lamar Odom overdosed, his house burned down in Reno. The fire was even more scorching than Hof's case of herpes. 

Donald Trump said, in the last debate, he checked out Hillary Clinton from behind and he was not impressed. Well, that should put an end to all of his sexist predator rumors. 


Since you asked;


The Cubs are playing the Dodgers in the NLCS. Here are some of the differences between Chicago and L.A.

In LA, bitchin’ means good. In Chicago, bitchin’ is what you do about the Bears.

In Chicago, you shovel snow. In L.A, you shovel your screenplay. 

In Chicago you order an Old Style beer. In L.A. you order a malty, but suave and yet robustly woody and earthy creamy and thick yet nutty IPA with a pear finish.  

In L.A., for pizza you order Dominoes. In Chicago you consider Dominoes an insult to you and your ancestors. 

In Chicago, you grill brats. In LA you oak wood smoke organic and sustainable locally grown tofu. Then you snort a pile of cocaine. 




When asked about political jokes, Seth Meyers said they did not go after politicians ad hominem. And here I thought hominem was either grits or what Jackie Gleason said as Ralph Kramden when he was flustered.

Man, them Northwestern comedy writers sure can use their tongue prettier than a 50 peso hooker.

Welcome to Trumpy Von Grabbypuss's GOP

David After Dentist - Is this real life

An LA judge issued a 5-year restraining order for Kendall Jenner against a stalker. Of course, Donald Trump denied the stalking accusations. 



In London, a silverback gorilla escaped from the zoo, but was recaptured. They were able to lure the male gorilla back in his cage with a microphone and a chance to rebut what Hillary said. 



Chris Christie said Donald Trump’ comments to Billy Bush were “indefensible.” Christie was so offended it put him off his ham. 



After this campaign, we may owe "David After Dentist" an apology. This is not real life.

Who could have possibly imagined, a month ago, Ken Bone would be doing better with the babes than Donald Trump?

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An LA judge issued a 5-year restraining order for Kendall Jenner against an obsessed fan. Of course, Donald Trump denied the stalking accusations. 

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Did you see that speech in Florida where Donald Trump denied the groping charges? That Trump guy can do an amazing Alec Baldwin impression.

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Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize for literature. This will be the first Nobel Prize acceptance speech with captions. 

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Donald Trump implied the “People” reporter, Natasha Stoynoff, who accused Trump of groping her, was not attractive enough to grope. So to be clear, Trump only sexually assaults hot women. 

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Chris Christie said Donald Trump’s comments to Billy Bush were indefensible. But for some reason Christie did not find the comments hard to swallow.

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In Santa Barbara, thieves robbed a donut shop of $700 in broad daylight. It was a brazen hold up considering the high chances a policeman would be there. 

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On “Fox News,” former Red Sox pitcher, Kurt Schilling, attempted to defend Donald Trump’s comment about dating a ten-year-old girl in the future. It did not go well. By the end, Schilling was bleeding from his sock. Or from someplace. 

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Toronto Maple Leaf rookie, Auston Matthews, scored four goals in his first game. This guy scores easier than Ken Bone in his red sweater.

Things do not look great for Donald Trump. Today Trump hired Saddam Hussein’s former press secretary.

This just in:

The “Today” show fired Billy Bush but they claim the problems went back to the Rio Olympics. So in other words, Bush was wiped out by a Brazilian. 


Anyone surprised Donald Trump treats women like party favors? Donald Trump is a guy who was sued for non-payment by the lawyers he hired to sue the contractors who were suing Trump for non-payment. 


Chris Christie said Donald Trump’s comments to Billy Bush were indefensible. But Christie did not find them hard to swallow.


Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize for literature. This will be the first Nobel Prize acceptance speech with captions. 

Remember the good old days when two guys misbehaving was called grab ass? 

Get woke to joke okie doke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s time decide on a Halloween costume. This year you cannot go wrong with a slutty Lester Holt. Moderate on this. 

“BuzzFeedNews” is reporting Donald Trump walked in to the dressing room of the Miss Teen USA pageant in 1997. Some of the girls were 15. That is creepy even for the Billy Bush bus Trump.

The Chicago Cubs came from three runs behind in the ninth inning with four runs to beat the San Francisco Giants 6-5. The Giants bullpen blew up so much, they looked like they were sponsored by Samsung. 

The Chicago Cubs came from three runs behind in the ninth inning with four runs to beat the San Francisco Giants 6-5. For the Giants’ bullpen it was the worst collapse that did not have an audio tape with Billy Bush. 

Billy Bush fired from “Today” show. It will be interesting to see if Donald Trump hires him. That’s right Trump could grab Bush.

In 2005, Donald Trump fired contestant Maria Kanellis off “Celebrity Apprentice” for engaging in potty-mouth, locker room talk. Trump was so appalled by her talk, he did not even feel like grabbing her pussy.

Scientists have discovered a new dwarf planet near Pluto. Right now it’s called UZ 224, and the rumor is not true, they are not going to rename the dwarf planet Kevin Hart.

Kim Kardashian was photographed coming out of a Paris restaurant with see-through pants that revealed she was not wearing underwear. The good news is the thieves clearly did not steal her Epilady shaver.

You could almost see her Kanye.

Kim Kardashian was photographed coming out of a Paris restaurant with see-through pants that revealed, well, where Trump would grab her.

In Florida, Donald Trump urged people to vote on November 28th. Upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton said, 

“You Trump voters listen to your candidate.” 




Donald Trump said he does not believe the concussions in the NFL are real. Well sure, that's easy for someone to say who wears a helmet 24/7. 

Since you asked:

My NFL sources are telling me that the 49ers dangled the starting job carrot in front of Colin Kaepernick  to get him to rework the injury clause in his contract. They are still furious at Kaepernick for screwing them out of tens of millions two years ago by the sneaky-at-best way he handled his injury. This is how they can get rid of the injury clause to cut him or trade him.

Nothing to do with the National Anthem. 

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton in a debate looks like a spelling bee where Hillary is spelling the words they give her, but Donald Trump refuses and just spells words he knows, like “Awesome,” "China," “Huge” and “Bigly.”

It is hard to determine a winner because they are not playing the same game. Trump doesn’t back anything he says up with facts. He just spouts bumper sticker phrases, sniffs loudly and pompously changes the subject. And then lurks around like the old pervert mall cop trying to cop a peek into the women’s dressing room. 

Trump has gone off the reservation. The gloves are off and he is in a death-spiral. Unless he finds something “Billy Bush on a bus” about Hillary, this election is over and Trump needs to crawl into his spider hole. 

And yet nobody I know, except for one or three liberal die-hards, is even slightly excited about voting for Hillary Clinton. 

Let us name the time between the last bitter-sweet sip of coffee in the late morning and the first heart-and-soul glowing sip of wine in the early evening as “The Lonely Precipice.” 


Call me the cliche eternal optimist Cubs fan, but this really feels like the start of a golden time for the Cubs. This has been a magical season. 

But the Cubs do have a lot of time off and that is not good for a team that goes in streaks. Washington would be the far tougher opponent. Either way, it is going to be a great NLCS. 

Fly the W

Once again, Donald Trump grabs a pussy

Paris police have no leads on Kim Kardashian’s thieves. The only good news is Caitlyn Jenner still has her family jewels. 



I’m having a rough week. My Samsung Note7 set my “Make America Great Again” hat on fire.




Donald Trump once fired contestant Maria Kanellis on “Celebrity Apprentice” for engaging in locker room talk. Trump was so appalled he did not even feel like grabbing her pussy.

What have I said over and over again are the two biggest signs of an asshole? A, a combover and, B, feet up on the desk while talking on the phone.

When I first started working at Shearson Lehman in La Jolla,  circa 1986, Shearson still sponsored the Andy Williams golf tournament at Torrey Pines. All the big shots from Shearson in New York were flown out by the company.

One of the Shearson big shots was this Ivy League douche-bag haircut in a suit named Wick Simmons.  (Yes, his name was Wick) Wick blew into the office like, A, we were supposed to know who he was, which we did not, and, B, be impressed with who he was, which we weren't.  

Wick kicked a broker out of his office so he could use the phone. I remember walking by and Wick was leaning back in his chair with his shiny Oxfords crossed and propped up on the desk. Wick could not have looked more like a smug tool. Right then and there, I vowed never to put my feet up on a desk. And to remember that anyone who did was an asshole. 

This just in:

Feminist publicity-hound attorney, Gloria Allred, is demanding an investigation of sexual abuse by Donald Trump. Trump thought he had it rough before? Gloria Allred makes Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell look like Anna and Elsa from “Frozen.” 

It might be time for Donald Trump to think about crawling down into his Tikrit spider hole. 

Biggest seller in St. Louis? A t-shirt that says, 

"Get Blown Like Ken Bone." 

At the debate, Melania Trump wore a $1,000 Gucci blouse called a Pussy-bow. At the next debate, in honor of Trump, Melania is going to wear a dickie.

Evidence is the Kim Kardashian Paris jewel thieves were amateurs. They were timid, they argued, they dropped a necklace, they were so inept the police think they may have been Cleveland Browns. 

Not to say that it is over for Donald Trump, but if I was Trump’s German shepherd down in the bunker, I would be extremely nervous right now. 

The star of the debate, Ken Bone, explained his red sweater saying he wanted to wear a nice olive suit his mom loved, but he had gained 30 pounds and split the pants. If America was a cartoon character, little hearts would by flying out of our head.





Donald Trump told Billy Bush he grabs pussy and the star of the debate is a guy named Ken Bone. Bush, Bone and pussy. This isn’t an election, it is a bad junior high limerick. 




Outside of Los Angeles, a man survived an attack by two bears. They did make off with his $4 mil. ring and all of his jewelry.

The big winner of the debate was Ken Bone. But they cut off his follow-up question:

"Have you seen my stapler?"

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At the debate, Melania Trump wore a $1,000 Gucci blouse called a Pussy-bow. She misunderstood when Trump told her to grab something to wear.

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It is the three year anniversary of when fire fighters had to be called to rescue a man who got his penis stuck in a toaster. Three years and he still isn’t welcomed back at his local Home Depot. 

It is the three year anniversary of when fire fighters had to be called to rescue a man who got his penis stuck in a toaster.  And to think today he is running for president. 

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At the debate, Melania Trump wore a $1,000 Gucci blouse called a Pussy-bow. And Trump couldn’t keep his hands off of her Pussy-bow.

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On Facebook Live, Mark Zuckerberg, chatted while barbecuing ribs in his backyard before watching the debate. Right after, masked gunman broke in and stole over $100 dollars in beer and barbecue sauce.

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At the debate, Donald Trump repeatedly referred to his comments to Billy Bush as just locker room talk. And that locker would be that of the minor league hockey team, the Rhode Island Rapists.

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Last night was the second presidential debate. Was it just me, or did Donald Trump lurking in the background look like the old, pervert mall cop trying to cop a peek at the girls changing?  

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During the debate, Donald Trump said if he won, he would try to throw Hillary Clinton in jail. Jail would be preferable to that locker room Trump goes to.

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At the debate, Donald Trump repeatedly referred to his comments to Billy Bush as just locker room talk. Donald Trump is that locker room fixture: the old naked guy who spends in inordinate amount of time toweling off his crotch.

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At the end of the debate, Donald Trump complimented Hillary Clinton as a fighter.  Donald Trump Jr. thought his dad sounded so much like a pussy he wanted to grab him. 

Since you asked:

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ throw up, er, throw-back uniforms make them look like old-timey prison inmates breaking a huge pile of rocks. Only thing missing is a big ankle chain attached to a bowling ball.  They look like mutant bumblebees. 

Does anyone else have a big ol’ crush on AT&T’s Lily? Like I thought, y’all a bunch of liars.

Was I the only one who thought Trump lurking in the background  looked like the old, pervert mall cop trying to sneak a peek into the women's dressing room?

And to think I was once upset that Clay Tres, Clay-so-nice-they-named-him-thrice, Clay Cubed, Clay Matthews III, was not getting enough advertising love.  

No, really, those Pittsburgh Steelers throw up, er, throwback uniforms are uglier than a taped conversation between Donald Trump and Billy Bush. They look like a bunch of pirate prisoners on the Canary Islands having an inter-prison colony football game. 

I’m serious, those Pittsburgh Steeler throw up, er, throwback uniforms are uglier than Chris Christie’s tighty-whiteys after he heard the Donald Trump-Billy Bush tape. (Too much?) 

The one day I had to do Ann Caroline’s hair during pre-school turned out to be picture day. Her class picture looked like the Nick Nolte Mug shot.

One more cup of coffee and I am going to be thrown into a bad Al Pacino, Tony Montana imitation from “Scarface.”  "Chew some kinda guy, mang."

Tom Brady’s win against the Browns was so good it was almost half as good as lying on an Italian beach naked with Gisele Bundchen. 

There is an expression in politics deriding an unqualified candidate by saying, “This guy is not fit to be elected dog catcher.” There is no way I would allow my dog, Wally, to be around Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is the kind of pathological liar you can actually see his face believing his lies as he says them. When Anderson Cooper quoted what he said to Billy Bush and referred to it as sexual assault, Trump’s words were:

“I didn’t say that at all.”

Everybody in the country heard him say that. 

During the debate, Trump's daughter, Tiffany, was not seated with the other three Trump children. And then, after the debate, when Trump tried to greet her with a kiss, she awkwardly dodged the kiss.