Saturday, August 05, 2006

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant

The NFL has implemented rule changes that are intended to further protect the quarterback. That sound you hear is Johnny Unitas spinning in his grave so fast the heat could unthaw Ted Williams.

Are NFL players getting too soft? You decide. Johnny Unitas once rallied his team to a win with mud caked on his shattered nose and split lip to stem the gushing blood. Wide receiver David Boston once begged out of a Charger scrimmage because his nipples were sore from their recent piercing.

Picture, if you will, an NFL field of dreams. A bloody, mud-caked Johnny Unitas asks a toothless bloody, mud-caked Ray Nitschke why David Boston is sauntering off the field cupping his pectorals. Nitschke replies dead-panned;

“His nipple piercing’s are sore.” Unitas blinks hard and states flatly;

“Tell him to use Bactine, we don’t want them to get infected like my Prince Albert did.”

Both Hall of Famer’s then have to receive oxygen from laughing too hard.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh, snap, snap, snap, and snap, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A give away
Police in St. Paul, Minnesota caught the 81 year old father of U.S. Senator Norm Coleman having sex in the parking lot of a pizza parlor with a 38 year old woman. Authorities became suspicious when the old guy tried to order a pepperoni and Viagra pizza.

Not good
The fighting in Lebanon is getting ugly. Today Hezbollah threatened to attack Israel with Mel Gibson.

New information from the Crime Index Report reveals overall crime is down. Well, yeah, that makes sense, NFL players have to report to training camp.

I’m guessing Mel is not short for Melvin
This weekend was hot. I was sweating like Mel Gibson trying to order at Pico Kosher Deli.

It was hot this weekend. I was sweating like Mel Gibson’s press agent in a Synagogue during Temple.

According to a leaked report, Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving in Malibu and made obscenity laced anti Semitic remarks to the police. If that’s true, making anti-Semitic remarks in Hollywood will ruin your film career faster than co-staring with Madonna and Ben Affleck

Who knew?
U.S. Sprinter Justin Gatlin tested positive for taking testosterone. And here I didn’t even know Gatlin was a Mennonite.

U.S. Sprinter Justin Gatlin tested positive for taking testosterone. Gatlin claims the testosterone was rubbed on to him by a jealous masseuse. Even Bill Clinton is saying, “Oh come one, who is going to buy that?”

U.S. Sprinter Justin Gatlin tested positive for too much testosterone.  First Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tests positive for too much testosterone, now Gatlin. There is more testosterone flying around than at a Duke Lacrosse team stag party.  

No worries there
In an article of must-pack-items for Major Leaguers, the San Diego Padres Mike Cameron revealed he uses Lavender scented linen spray. Guess we don’t have to worry about Cameron testing positive for too much testosterone.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have fallen to last place since the All Star break. More bad news for the Dodgers, today they tested negative for testosterone.  

Tour De France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for high testosterone levels. To give you an idea how high, they found more testosterone in Floyd Landis than in Lance Bass.