Chilliolaxify, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No big deal
In their interview, Charles Gibson ridiculed Sarah Palin for not knowing the Bush Doctrine. That’s no big deal. You know who else doesn’t know the Bush Doctrine? President Bush.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
In a speech on the ailing economy President Bush, said; “I know that the entrepreneurial spirit is high.” Embarrassingly, Bush went on to add; “And we love the good people of Entreprenuria.”

Fierce
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his rear end and then presses it against store windows; police say that the man is to be considered armed and fabulous.

It better happen
The economy is in the tank, gas prices are out the roof, unemployment is up. I’m telling you right now, if our hockey team doesn’t upset the Soviets in the Winter Olympics, we’re screwed.

Not to be confused with Groundhog Day
Last week, Russia had a “Day of Conception” where they encourage people to have sex and increase the population. Or as we call that: the company Christmas party.

Name game
The government had to bail out the insurance company AIG despite the fact they have over a trillion dollars in assets. Today they had to change the name from AIG to M.C. Hammer.

Way back when
An aide to John McCain said McCain had a hand in inventing the BlackBerry. Or, as the BlackBerry was known back when McCain was working on it: the Abacus.

Yikes
Former New York Mets minor leaguer and actor, Joseph Petcka, is being accused of murdering his girlfriend’s cat, Norman, in a drunken jealous rage. Petcka faces considerable prison time where the last words he will ever hear will be; “So what are you in for, pretty boy?”

Or something like that
An aide to John McCain said McCain had a hand in inventing the BlackBerry. It was a misunderstanding, what he meant is that McCain first discovered that eating blackberries can stain your dentures.

Since you asked:
Believe me, I can hear you. What you’re asking is “Lex, pal, buddy, broheim, righteous standup paddlin’ surfing, comedy writin’, harp whalin’, grill master dude, where do you stand on the whole Jay/Conan thang?”

First of all, I said don’t call me broheim. Second, it’s fascinating.

“Rolling Stone” had an entire issue devoted to comedy and Jay Leno was only mentioned insofar as Conan was mentioned about the NBC switch. What? That is pretty silly since the guy has the number one rated talk show by far and has had it since Hugh Grant got street skull and spilled his guts to Jay.

The “RS” issue on comedy claims that what was funny ten years ago isn’t funny now. There is a new angst/tension trend in comedy, ala Borat, and the punch line is now seen as corny. Really? The two funniest movies ever made are “Some Like It Hot” and “Young Frankenstein” and they were made a long time ago. Granted, people dress, talk and act different now, but they are still funny.

My ten-year-old daughter hit the floor laughing like she was being brutally tickled when she watched the Marx Brothers classic “Duck Soup” when Groucho had Chico on the stand and said;

“Chicolini may look like an idiot, he may talk like an idiot, but don’t be fooled. He really is an idiot.”

That’s a timelessly funny line and a then-nine-year old girl knew it.

“I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”

That stuff is gold.

There are a group of younger-ish/hip comedians who seem to feel they are way too politically savvy and upset to lower themselves to try and be funny and that gets really old fast. A well crafted joke is a well crafted joke. To quote the philosophy of none other than Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers; “Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.”

Stop lecturing and get to the giggles, slappy.

As far as Jay and Conan go, the simplest explanation is the best: the NBC executives made an idiotic decision. Anyone who doesn’t think top executives at top organizations aren’t capable of being idiotic has not been following the news or the market lately.

Conan went to NBC and said, I can’t keep going at 12:30, give me 11:30 or I am out. NBC panicked and gave it to him. But at the time it was many years down the line. NBC’s thinking – or more accurately their lack of thinking - was that maybe things with Jay will work themselves out. They were wrong. Jay doesn’t want to quit and Conan isn’t going to wait. NBC botched this one up but good. They are going to lose Jay or Conan or both. Someone at NBC is going to have to start wearing adult diapers.

Anyone who thinks Conan can’t make it at 11:30 doesn’t follow Conan. He is way too smart and motivated to not make it work. If you saw the shows O’Brien does in Chicago and San Francisco, you can’t help but be impressed with his entire crew. They are silly – i.e., the masturbating bear – but they are sharp. Tina Fey sharp.*

And, on the other hand, nobody has more viewer loyalty than Jay Leno. He makes more people comfortable than O’Brien and Letterman and they will follow him. Dave himself, in the “RS” interview, said he did not have a dog in this hunt and he is glad.

So, without any inside information at all, it is my feeling that it will be “The Jay Leno Show” or maybe just "Leno" on ABC, Fox or HBO. Probably ABC. For the first time in history we will have the choice of three great talk show hosts at 11:30. Will that work? There are 300 million potential viewers in this country alone. Of course it will work. And Leno, Letterman and O’Brien are far too talented for it not to work.

Think of Jon Stewart and Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel as the talk show equivalents of the Green Bay Packers’ Aaron Rodgers: Stars on the bench waiting for the legends to go.

All I can say is god bless the DVR.







*Saw “Baby Mamma” last night. Moments of brilliance worthy of Tina and Amy, but, in the end, it falls apart like a wet taco shell. One of the funniest scenes was featured in the edited scenes. The Babwa Wawa-talking Lamaze instructor nursing her 15-year-old son.

It up and got right hinky on us, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
The Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin’s secret code name is Danali. That is a Greek word that means Tina Fey.

That bad, huh?
Actor Matt Damon said Sarah Palin would be a disastrous vice president. In fact, Damon said Palin would be so horrible that, in order to portray her in a movie, Palin would have to be played by Ben Affleck in drag.

Editors note: Everybody - and that includes out-of-touch rich and spoiled little actors - is entitled to their opinion, and in my opinion actors should keep their uninformed political views to themselves.

The case of the pressed ham under glass
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Police have dubbed it the case of the Richard Simmons vandal.

As classy calling symbols go, this isn’t exactly a silver bullet is it?

In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Authorities believe this is the worst case of a person making an ass of themselves since Rudy Giuliani ran for president.

Who can blame him?
The first witness in the OJ Simpson trial became ill and had to leave. Apparently he became nauseas at the thought of OJ stabbing him to death.

Prune Juice
The OJ Simpson trial is underway in Las Vegas. OJ isn’t getting any younger. Now when he is in a slow-speed Bronco chase, he leaves his left turn signal on.

Double standard much?
John McCain’s crew is calling the Tina Fey portrayal of Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night Live” sexist. However they felt Amy Poehler’s cackling, jealous and spiteful Hillary Clinton? Spot on.

We kid my fellow FF enthusiasts. (Anyone got a good running back for Kerry Collins?)
It is an exciting time for Fantasy Football players, they have to decide who will be their starting six players, who will be traded and whether to call their imaginary girlfriend Sarah or Ms. Palin.


Since you asked:

Sarah Palin is getting both barrels from the press.

First, after her rousing speech at the Republican convention, the press described her as the most attractive, vibrant and exciting politician since Kennedy. Now she is getting lambasted as an unqualified religious nut who loves to kill cute furry animals and who has a grating voice and a flat whiny Midwestern accent, donchyah know there now.

You could practically see Sarah Palin’s shooting star stall the second they opened “Saturday Night Live” with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. The seven words of “I can see Russia from my house” may have cost McCain the Presidency.

(That skit was as amazing as it was hilarious)

Hillary Clinton supporters are also nothing if not hilarious, albeit not intentionally. One second they are screaming like scalded cats that Hillary lost the election because of vile sexists. The next second they are accusing Sarah Palin of being a pretty, vapid, unqualified hockey mom airhead, which is about as sexist as it gets.

Believe me, I am by no means a huge Sarah Palin fan, I just think a little fairness and perspective are in order. Sarah Palin is a product of Alaska and people in Alaska, in general, as in most red states, fish, hunt, drink beer with shots and go to hard-core Christian churches.

What the blue states media of New York, Chicago and Los Angeles need to know is just because somebody hunts, fishes and waves their arms in the air praising Jesus, that doesn’t necessarily make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty. It may not qualify them to be next in line to be President, but it doesn’t make them dumb, ignorant, crazy and blood thirsty.

In politics perception becomes reality and that reality - whether real or not - becomes a punch line. McCain? Old. Hillary? Scary. Don’t you remember all the fat jokes about Bill Clinton? He had lost the weight for years and they were still being used right until Monica Lewinski dropped to her knees in the Oval office.

One second Dan Quayle was compared to J.F.K., one misspelling of potato later, he is the basis for all stupid jokes that are, at this very second, being dusted off and reused on President Bush.

One second Gerald Ford was a former football great and respected honest congressman thrust into the Presidency, the next he is a stumbling and bumbling oaf thanks to Chevy Chase.

In his first term, Ronald Reagan was the great communicator, by his second term he was the out-of-it and corny old Uncle who repeats the same stories over and over and over and over again.

Why? Because of us nasty, mean-spirited and loathsome comedy writers and comedians; we - and by we I mean me - are too stupid to gather and comprehend a lot of complexities, so we tie politicians to one single trait. Gore? Fat. Bush? Dumb. Palin? Hockey Mom with lipstick.

So forget about this election being about independents, forget about trying to sway the female vote, if you politicians had a brain in your collective thick skulls, you would be sucking up to us comedy writers this very second.

Governor Palin, you can start with me. I’ve been a naughty, naughty comedy writer.

Oh, and how about one of those billion dollar “loans” to each and every comedy writer? What? They’ve been handing them out to everyone else.

We gonna get ahead of the problem and Bush Doctrine that bad boy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Fierce
Gay “Star Trek” star George Takai married his long-term partner . Tonight on his honeymoon, Takai is setting his phaser from stun to fierce.

In control
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Upon hearing this, Idaho Senator Larry Craig said; “I’ll handle this.”

Not since then
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. Authorities believe this is the worst case of a person making an ass of themselves since Paula Abdul on “American Idol.”

That would do it
The first witness in the OJ Simpson trial became ill and had to leave. Apparently he became nauseas at the thought of OJ stabbing him to death.

That’s generally how it works
The Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles in Monday Night Football game, 41-37. When asked how the Cowboys won, quarterback Tony Romo’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, said; “Oh my god, like, at the end of the game, we totally had more numbers on our score than they did.”

That explains it
The Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin’s secret code name is Danali. That is an old Greek word that means MILF.

Only two besides that Peterson guy
There was a problem in the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas. They were searching for a jury of O.J.’s peers and the only two who qualified were Phil Specter and Robert Blake.

Lesser charge
In Nebraska, police are searching for a man who smears Vaseline on his butt and then presses it against store windows. He is wanted for vandalism and the lesser charge of impersonating a glazed pressed ham.

Expert
Actor Matt Damon said Sarah Palin would be a disastrous vice president. Damon assessed her lack of potential from his uncanny background of being able to read what somebody else wrote while wearing makeup and standing in front of a camera.

Tuck and run, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The only two
In the Las Vegas OJ Simpson armed robbery trial, jury selection did not go well. They had to find a jury of O.J.’s peers and the only two who qualified were Phil Specter and Robert Blake.

Return of the Unaballer
Lance Armstrong may come out of retirement to race in the 2009 Tour De France; he is serious, Lance is throwing his nut back into the ring.

Aww, that’s nice
David Spade and his “Playboy” playmate girlfriend had a baby girl. It is an adorably cute little tiny bundle of joy. And besides the father, the baby is doing great as well.

Huh?
It turns out Sarah Palin used to be a member of a Pentecostal Church where the worshipers speak in tongues. When asked to comment, President Bush said; “Vlah ber fleagun pobbles schwaggle.”


I like Sarah Palin, she reminds me of the woman chopping vegetables in the kitchen who gets surprised-groped by her horny husband in the Viagra commercial.


The Verne Troyer (Mini Me) sex tape is out. Troyer tried to pay the woman for the tape but she wanted (insert pinky in mouth) a miiiiiiiilion doooooolarssssss.

Since you asked:
We are undergoing a huge backyard remodel. The important part for me is done, the grill. It is amazing. Four gas burners with a searing infrared pad and a rotisserie infrared panel, arrr, arrrr, arrrr, arrrrr. The only problem is I cannot settle on a name. So, as my good friend and regular a.L.B.b. reader, Mark O’Snickity suggested, I am opening a contest to name Lex’s new grill.

(As a point of reference, the old grill was Blazin' Bessie so points are given for corny old gal-named alliterations like Searin' Sadie, or Sizzlin' Sally)

Send me an e-mail titled “Name Lex’s New Grill to lexkase@san.rr.com

As with any big project or venture or undertaking, the important part is learning something from the experience. What have I learned from out backyard remodel?

I have learned that I hate Mexican music.

Don't get me wrong, I love our neighbors to the South. Mexico is a beautiful country rich in culture and tradition. And the men of Mexican descent working in our yard are great guys and hard workers.

But their music sucks. Mexican music is the unholy combination of all of the worst of Muzak, pop, disco and a Mariachi band. And that is saying something.

Have you seen the priceless Fey/Poehler, Palin/Clinton "SNL" skit? Brilliant. Impersonations? Perfect. Voice? Perfect. Delivery? Perfect. Writing? Hilarious. Tina Fey is a legitimate national treasure. But just about everything after that sucked. Why did they simply redo the Payton Manning locker room skit?

Should have done my Micheal Phelps big-ass-ears skit.