Saturday, July 08, 2017

Congratulations to Patton Oswalt on his engagement to the wonderful Meredith Salenger. After what they’ve been through, Patton and his daughter, Alice, deserve happiness. 

*****


It was a year ago today a woman in Delaware was arrested for loud sex. Since then Betty White has given her neighbors noise-cancelling headphones.

****

During a blow-out loss, Chicago Cubs outfielder, Jon Jay, came in as a mop-up relief pitcher with offerings at 47 MPH. He had a slider, a change-up and a “50 Cent First Pitch.”

Or as the Phillies call a 47-MPH pitch: high cheese.

Baseball players have not witnessed anything that ugly in Wrigley Field since Mike Ditka sang “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” 


****
In his L.A. Laker debut against the Clippers in Summer League, Lonzo Ball missed 13 of 15 shots. Lonzo put the but in debut. 


****
Ivanka Trump sat in on a G-20 meeting for her dad. There was an awkward moment when Ivanka asked, “When do we get to see the new car model for 2018 G-20?” 


****

Magic Johnson said what LaVar Bell is doing for his son, Lonzo, is just marketing. When did the word marketing replace the words tastelessly annoying? Oh, right. Kardashians.

****


In his L.A. Laker debut against the Clippers in Summer League, Lonzo Ball missed 13 of 15 shots. That was the worst performance since Chris Christie sat on a beach.




Since you asked:

Again, not that I am Dr. Grammar. But I had a rough moment when one of my favorites, Kristen Wiig, was on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon,” and they were playing “Mad Libs.” It became painfully clear neither Kristen nor Jimmy were super clear on what was an adjective. 

By the way, my recent excessive use of neither/nor is meant neither to impress nor to appear smart. 

As if my being a certified non-genius needed any support, here is a thought I actually had watching a video of a talented blonde woman surfing:

“Wow, she is good. Is that Bethany Hamilton? On, no. She has two arms.”

In a just world I am a few ‘tails in on a boat with my good friends off Dana Point. 

Again with the being hacked from Russia. Here is today's slow Saturday traffic on this blog:





Pageviews by Countries 

Graph of most popular countries among blog viewers
EntryPageviews
United States
402
Russia
393
Canada
74
Germany
11
France
9
Netherlands
7
India
6
China
5
United Kingdom
4
Italy
4





Friday, July 07, 2017


Corgis got them wiggle butts, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Today in Pamplona was the running of the bulls. And in Germany at the G20, there was the running of the BS.


At the G-20 meeting in Hamburg, Donald Trump met with Vladimir Putin for 2 1/2 hours. Of course, the last thirty minutes were Putin and Trump putting two man-bun Ken dolls in compromising positions and giggling. 


A Brazilian men’s soccer club kicked four members off when a player was videoed providing shower hand-service to two players. “This is so shocking," said not one US male sports fan.




A Brazilian men’s soccer club kicked four members off when a player was videoed providing shower hand-service to two players. So now the Rosie Palms Soccer Club is short-handed.

So now the Knuckle Shuffle Soccer Club is short-handed. 

 So now the Hand-Jive Soccer team is short-handed. 


Twitter is going crazy over Christian company, Hobby Lobby, possibly buying Iraqi artifacts from ISIS. This explains Hobby Lobby’s new scented candle:  Desert Jihad. 



A Brazilian men’s soccer club kicked four members off when a player was videoed providing shower hand-service to two players. The good news is the servicing player was signed by the Philadelphia Phillies for his ball-handling. 



 A Brazilian men’s soccer club kicked four members off when a player was videoed providing shower hand-service to two players. This is different than the NFL where the owners jerk-off the fans.


Since you asked:

Today’s Strunk and White “The Elements of Style,” lesson from “Misused Words and Expressions.”

Farther and further. The two words are commonly interchanged, but there is a distinction worth observing: farther serves best as a distance word, further as a time or quantity word. You chase a ball farther than the other fellow; you pursue a subject further.


The way I remember it is farther can be measured, further is philosophical. 

As anyone who has read more than three sentences of my blog can ascertain, I have neither the knowledge nor the right to be pedantic. That does not mean I do not have my pet peeves.

One of my pet peeves is when people use big words incorrectly. Fortuitous is a luminescent example. It has nothing to do with luck or good fortune. It means by chance. Serial killers can pick their victims fortuitously. Sports announcers do this constantly. 

(This mistake is blatantly made in "Tombstone" by Dana Delaney's character, Josephine Marcus, as she describes her and Wyatt's chance meeting on a ride) 

Serendipitous means lucky or fortunate. And it is an even bigger word. So go nuts. 

It breaks my heart that I cannot be boating with The Hartnettsnakes and the Serranosnakes in Dana Point. No doubt I am there in snake spirit. Will be there on the 14th. 

Thursday, July 06, 2017

There appears to be a TMZ video of Poland’s first lady passing on Donald Trump’s handshake. Not true. This turned about to be shake news.



There was an awkward moment when Donald Trump asked the Polish president about their famous canal system. Trump said he has heard a lot about the Pole locks.



A study claims a woman retains the DNA of every man with whom she’s had sex. In a related story, Khloe Kardashian is now an incorporated city.





The Kardashian family is upset at Rob Kardashian for posting pictures of Blac Chyna’s vagina. This breaks their code: never publicize a vagina outside the family.



The Kardashian family is furious at Rob Kardashian for posting pictures of Blac Chyna’s vagina. Chris Christie is even angrier. He ordered Blac Chyna’s vagina closed. 



At the UN, the US condemned North Korea for their missile testing. And Chris Christie ordered their beaches closed.



On the 4th of July, Dallas Cowboy linebacker, Damien Wilson, was arrested with for assault with a deadly weapon with a rifle. Sometimes the hardest part of signing a player to the Cowboys is convincing them they’re not really Cowboys.




Rob Kardashian is trending on Twitter for posting naked pics of Blac Chyna. Finally our long, awful draught of Kardashian publicity absence is finally over.




Police raided a Vatican apartment and found drugs and evidence of orgy sex. When asked, Cardinal Bill Cosby had no comment.


A photograph recognition expert said he believed it was highly likely it was Amelia Earhart in the newly discovered Marshall Island picture. Although he admits the fact she is wearing a Starbucks Coffee t-shirt could be a non-starter.

Wednesday, July 05, 2017




Happy 4th of July boxing day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


****
Lance Armstrong makes a cameo in an HBO movie, “Tour De Pharmacy,” mocking drug use in the Tour De France. That’s like Mike Tyson making a cameo in a movie about cannibalism. 

That’s like Bernie Madoff giving a seminar on money management.


****
There is new photographic evidence aviator, Amelia Earhart, survived her crash and was in the Marshall islands. The most convincing photo shows her on a beach enjoying tropical drinks with Larry King.

****
After accusing Blac Chyna of cheating on him, Rob Kardashian posted naked pics of her that could be revenge porn. If these two classy kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have?

****
This morning Chris Christie feels like Joey Chestnut’s toilet.

****
Day after 4th of July and people are counting their blessings, some are counting their fingers and Chris Christie is counting his supporters.

****
Things are not good for Chris Christie. Here it is the day after the 4th of July and Chris Christie can count his supports on New York Giant, Jason Pierre-Paul’s fingers. 

****
The coverage of this year’s Tour De France begins at 4:30 AM on the West Coast. That is awful early for people to get up and not watch something. 

****
After his beach-closing fiasco, Chris Christie’s approval rating will dip below 10%. That means, in New Jersey, Christie is less popular than that schmuck who did that thing to that guy.

****
The day after eating over 15 pounds of hot dogs, Joey Chestnut does not want to hear the words hot dog. Nor does he want to hear the song, “Pop That Booty.” 

****
Right now, in New Jersey, Chris Christie’s popularity ranks somewhere between garbage raccoons and solar power marketers.


Since you asked:


The spelling feature on Apple’s Pages is so awful, it did not only not autocorrect cannibalism, with merely one N missing, it did not recognize it. 

Honestly, with Apple, you are better off just running all spelling questions through Google.


If Chris Christie does not want fat jokes, he should not do beached whale impressions at the taxpayer's expense and exclusion. 

Chris Christie will be remembered for closing a bridge and a beach, but not ever closing his mouth. 

Critics are calling Christie tone-deaf. Tone-deaf? There is tone-deaf and then there is Quasimodo enjoying the vibrations coming from the bells of Notre Dame.

Chris Christie's approval rating was last checked at 16%, the lowest of any governor. And Illinois has had four governors who went to prison.





Not going to lie to you as a man, a person or as a human being, at this point in time. Not sure what I ate, but whatever it was, it has given me more gas than a Mongolian goat. Man, I am lit-up like a Florida meth lab on the 4th of July. 


Little, Fuzzy 'Taint is my new band.





fat guy skateboard fail



After this, an angry Chris Christie closed the skateboarding park

Monday, July 03, 2017

A Florida man shot himself in the penis. Speaking of shooting himself in the penis, Chris Christie vacationed on the same beach he closed.



A pregnant Florida woman was arrested after pelting her brother with cupcakes. They passed an edict against throwing cupcakes. Everyone knows you can’t have your cake and edict too.



There is a video of Marshawn Lynch playing in a charity soccer game. Now, I do not want to say Marshawn is fat, but it looks like beast mode has been replaced with a la mode.




Today's "The Elements of Style" Stunk and White lesson: infer and imply are not interchangeable. Chris Christie's actions imply he does not care about us. You can infer it from this picture.

They get their stoke from being woke to the joke, Thundertuchus, Dynobiscuit and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Beyonce and Jay-Z’s twins are named Sir and Rumi. Weird, but not bad for celebrities. I was expecting Thunderbiscuit and Dynotuchus. 



A New York company has opened a non-alcoholic bar. Remember Cheers? This is Sneers.



The Ken doll now comes with a man-bun. Thus making this Ken doll the first Ken doll to shove a Ken doll up its butt. 



Since you asked:


Maybe we just don’t want to believe how much our elected officials hold us in contempt. Until we see it with our own eyes. Trump saying he could shoot someone and get away with it or mocking a disabled reporter. Reading about Hillary Clinton cursing her secret service agents for daring to say hello, who are, incidentally, risking their lives for her. 

But when you see Chris Christie’s fat, entitled ass - encased like some nightmarish black sausage  - on the beach where hard-working families with their excited children were turned away on a holiday weekend, you start to get some semblance of the abundance of their arrogance and indifference.

Chris Christie should cook in his own fat like the giant confit covfefe that worthless piece of crap is.


A Big, Scary, Great White Closes Beaches this 4th. And Besides Chris Christie, there are shark sightings.

And today I get to go to the doctor's and have this image power-washed from my eyeballs


New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie ordered beaches shut down and then took his family to the vacant beach. Asked how he will handle the public relations fall-out, Christie said he’ll cross that bridge when he closes it.

 Christie had to close the beach. Rude people kept yelling, “Save Shamu.”

The beach closing went so well, today Christie ordered all New Jersey ice cream shops closed.

This has to be the worst pubic relations move since Maria Antoinette suggested a bread substitute.

Today Donald Trump named Christie Sec. Of Not Doing Stupid Crap.


This happened again today. What the hell?  Is Russia hacking my blog?


Pageviews by Countries 


Graph of most popular countries among blog viewers
EntryPageviews
United States
472
Russia
408
Canada
60
Portugal
12
Germany
6
India
6
Australia
5
China
5
Italy
4
Brazil
3