We up on outta here and rollin’ wit’ da Cuz’s ‘til Sunday, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So sad
President Bush's dog, Spot, passed away. It was kind of sad and embarrassing. A secret service agent had to explain to an excited President Bush that he had not, in fact, just taught Spot how to roll over and play dead.

A select group
The final episode of “Sex and the City” aired Sunday. In the show four women friends party at the chicest Manhattan spots, live in million dollar apartments and never seem to work. There are only three women who can really live like that: Paris Hilton, Liza Minelli and David Gest.

If you watch “Sex and the City” you saw the big news: Carrie got reunited with Mr. Big. Oh, and for the guys who saw that, congratulations on your gay marriage, fellas.

How wild was it?
I went to a party that was so wild Saturday night, drinking dancing, strippers, the next morning I actually woke up a member of the University of Colorado football team.

Fat Tuesday
Are you ready for Mardis Gras? It starts Tuesday. Good news guys, you don’t need to get any beads to see a women flash. I think the Grand Marshall is Janet Jackson.

How cold was it?
It was cold and rainy in Southern California. This morning I was shaking like John Kerry when Ralph Nader said he’d run.

Pop goes another weasel
*Ralph Nader is running for president. This is the happiest President Bush has been to see somebody pop out since Saddam Hussein.

Ralph Nader has announced he is a candidate. Or as President Bush calls Nader, the second part of the Holy Trinity of guys he needs for reelection: Saddam, Ralph Nader and Osama.

Many democrats would rather see chickenpox return instead of Ralph Nader.

Don't Haiti me 'cause I'm beautiful
*The State Department is advising all U.S. citizens to leave Haiti. Merely advising people to leave Haiti is a like a doctor advising a patient not to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded magnum revolver. Tell them to get the hell out of there.

The new slogan for tourism in Haiti is: “Don’t waitie, get outta Haiti.”

We gonna get our nasty on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The new murderers row
With the acquisition of MVP Alex Rodriguez, have you seen the New York Yankees batting lineup for next season? That’s not a lineup, that’s a firing squad. They should offer the opposing pitcher a cigarette and a blindfold.

The Great Wall of China has more gaps in it then the Yankee lineup.

Or as Boston Red Sox fans call the Yankee acquisition of Rodriguez: Armageddon.


Advising? How about get the hell out.
The State Department is advising all U.S. citizens to leave Haiti. Advising them to leave Haiti? Let me give you a little travel safety tip: If you ask somebody what country you are in, and they don’t say anything except Haiti? Update your life insurance.

The State Department is merely advising U.S. citizens to leave Haiti? Any country where one of the political groups goes by the name and classification of Cannibals, you might want to skip when making your vacation plans.

Advising people to leave Haiti is a like a doctor advising a patient not to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded magnum revolver.

The new slogan for tourism in Haiti should be: “Don’t waitie, leave Haiti.”

Since you asked:

We rented Kevin Costner’s “Open Range” last night. It was OK. What is Costner’s obsession with combining new-age touchy-feely psychobabble and the Old West? (See: “Wyatt Earp”and “Dances with Wolves”)

But, if I may, you’d think Hollywood would have learned a vital lesson after Tom Hanks’ “Turner and Hooch.” Four words, moviemakers: Don’t shoot the dog. Why is that so hard to learn? Repeat: Don’t shoot the dog. I don’t want to have to tell you again.