We the dudelie with the attitudelie absolutely, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s about time
A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; finally some good news in the off season for Fantasy Football players.


A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; they may go blind, but they won’t get prostate cancer.


A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; but they do have a higher risk of having a heart attack when their wife catches them.

A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; guys are going to run with this at work: “What the hell are doing under your desk, Larry?” “Hey, I’m trying to prevent prostate cancer here, go away.”


Who knew?A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer; well, poor misunderstood Pee Wee Herman actor Paul Ruebens, Senator Larry Craig and singer George Michaels, it turns out they weren’t committing lewd acts in public, they were bravely trying to fight off prostate cancer

Slap it, whap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

CNN’s Richard Quest was arrested at 3:40 am in Central Park with crystal meth, a rope tied around his neck and genitals and with a sex toy in his boot. Or as Idaho Sen. Larry Craig calls that: Thursday night.

CNN’s Richard Quest was arrested at 3:40 am in Central Park with crystal meth, a rope tied around his neck and genitals and with a sex toy in his boot. Wow, I had no idea he was a priest.

The Pope was scheduled to leave the U.S. today, but his American Airlines flight got cancelled.

There was an awkward moment when the airline tried to charge the Pope an extra baggage fee for his big hat.

The weather in London was beautiful, today Prince William landed his helicopter in a water park.

Al Qaeda’s number 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri's, said they are planning to attack Western nations. Incidentally, al Qaeda’s #2 man is considered the riskiest job besides Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager.

A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have 33% lower chance of getting prostate cancer; but they do have a higher risk of having a heart attack when their wife catches them.

A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have 33% lower chance of getting prostate cancer; so masturbation reduces prostate cancer, alcohol reduces heart disease and kidney cancer, and taking a nap lowers your blood pressure. At this rate, Tom Arnold may actually be a super hero.


Since you asked:

Got a really great song stuck in my head: Tom Petty and Heartbreaker’s “Even the Losers”

Well, it was nearly all summer we sat on your roof
Yeah, we smoked cigarettes and we stared at the moon
And I’d show you stars you never could see
Baby, it couldn’t have been that easy to forget about me

Here is my question: which one is the loser who got lucky? Him or the girl who dumped him or the guy she went with after him?

Going to grill me some fresh basil and mozzarella stuffed chicken breasts a noche, Slats and Gets. Butterfly the marinated chicken breast, pound them a little flatter, put in a slice of cheese and two basil leaves, fold up and secure with two toothpicks and grill on medium heat. Serving it with rice pilaf and asparagus. Yes, I know what asparagus does . . .


Viva La France
An exhibit "Paris Under the Occupation," at the Paris History Library, features more than 250 color photos taken between 1941 and 1944 by French photographer and Nazi supporter, Andre Zucca.

His photos show Parisians enjoying life along the banks of the Seine River, at cafes and in public gardens. Nazi officers are shown mingling cheerfully with the crowds. Little did those Nazi officers know, but the French resistance was in full swing, often charging the Nazis for an expensive wine and then bravely switching it with a lesser vintage.

Bless Kate's overly perfumed heart, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prince William is trouble for landing a huge military helicopter in the yard of his party-chick girlfriend, Kate Middleton’s family estate. Now, I don’t want to say Kate is trouble, but if she marries Prince William, she will be the first queen in history to have an upper butt tattoo that says; “The Line Forms Here.”

Not that I claim to be expert, but I have a strong feeling about this Kate Middleton gal due to the fact that I briefly went out with two Kate Middleton wannabe’s, one in New York and one in Santa Barbara

If Kate Middleton is anything close to the girls I knew, she is a great gal – and I do mean gal- to hang with. She is a blast to party with. She can tell a joke that makes a Navy Seal blush. She constantly brings the drama and the excitement. She knows how to take care of a boyfriend, if you know what I mean. (Probably a girlfriend as well)

Kate strikes me as the kind of woman who can look stunning in a big floppy hat and a shear summer dress sipping a tall cool drink in the gloaming at an English Estate (Cue: Stones “You Can’t Always Get What you Want”) formal cocktail party and, later that night, kick everyone’s ass playing snooker at the pub wearing jeans, high tops and a t-shirt with an unfiltered cig dangling from her ruby red lips.

When she gets older, Kate will be that fun/crazy aunt with the dark tan and the ankle bracelets who always gets drunk and stirs up trouble at the family reunion.

But you do not marry a Kate Middleton. You especially do not marry and make a queen of a country out of a Kate Middleton. Not unless you want tabloid pictures of the Queen of your country sucking Jello shooters out of the pool boy’s navel.

Don’t get me wrong, this Kate Middleton is a beautiful young girl, but something tells me she is trouble with a capital Kate:

(Get the rim shots ready on drums)

Kate looks like the kind of girl who makes a jealous woman astronaut drive for hours in a diaper.

Kate looks like the kind of girl on “The Maury Show” who has three guys fighting over who is her baby daddy.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who slept her way to the top, the bottom, upside down, sideways and underneath.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says; “Spank me, bitch” without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

Kate reminds me of the kind of girl who, during sex, screams for you to say her name.

Kate reminds me of the kind of girl who starts a fight just for the make-up sex.

Kate looks like the kind of girl at a bar who can tie a cherry stem with her tongue into a square knot.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says at last call; “What can suck a golf ball up a garden hose and hums? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who tells the biggest guy in a bar; "My boyfriend right here can beat the ever lovin' sh*t out of you."

Kate looks like the kind of girl who leaves her panties in the glove compartment . . . of a taxi cab.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who the bouncer at the Las Vegas casino says; “OK, lady, if you insist, you’re not a hooker, but you still gotta go.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who, when you tell her at a Halloween party, nice hooker costume, she blows cigarette smoke in your face and says “What costume?”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says after a one-night-stand that you have to leave . . . and it’s your house.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who looks sexy the next morning in your monogrammed dress shirt, until you discover it’s not your monogrammed shirt.

Kate looks like the kind of girl who, when the guy is just about to pass out after sex, says; “Now that’s what I call a good start.”

Kate looks like the kind of girl who says to the guy chained to the bed just before she leaves and closes the door behind her; “Who said I had a handcuff key?”

And that is how we play "Kate Looks Like the Kind of Girl Who", Slatteens and Nuglets.

I’m a bounce out this piece before it get hinky, yo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Nice touch
The latest fashion trend in Hollywood for guys is an ascot. That’s good because Hollywood wasn’t quite gay enough before.

Slimming down
A study shows that New Yorkers are getting a lot fatter. Except for the New York Knicks, by firing Isaiah Thomas they just lost 200 pounds of useless weight.

P.C.
A high school adviser in West Virginia received a suspension for calling students who behaved badly "trailer trash." Please. The correct term is: mobile home refuse.

Or something like that
Rob Lowe’s former Nanny is suing him for sexual harassment. She claims he over-worked her. I think that’s what she meant when she said he wanted a lot of Rob Lowe jobs.

Scary
A new poll reveals voters are swinging towards Barack Obama over Hillary Clinton. Although there is a significant number of voters who are afraid that, if they vote for Barack, they will receive a red-faced rant from Bill Clinton.

Here he comes
Swimmer Ryan Lochte, who set four world records last week, said his skin-tight Speedo suit made him "feel like I'm some sort of action hero.” “Here comes Captain Bulgie to the rescue.”
Apparently his super power is freaking out his enemies when they see him in his nasty Speedo.

Gator hater
During the Heritage golf tournament, CBS kept showing an alligator in the water by the golf course. That makes a regular water hazard look kind of whimpy. When you can lose a stroke and an arm, now that’s a water hazard. The last guy to try and play a ball out of that hazard? Jimmy “Stumpy” Dufrasne. After the accident, the length of Stumpy’s drive went down but he doesn’t turn the ball over with his right hand anymore.

Since you asked:

Not that I want to jinx them, but man, are the Chicago Cubs on fire. My main man, the Riot, Ryan Theriot is scorching it up with a four for four against the Pie-rats. And Bonnie Hunt was hilarious as always as the greatest seventh inning guest. And that girl can sing, to paraphrase Jackson Browne.

In order for you to truly enjoy your favorite baseball team you must come up with overly chummy and annoying nicknames for all the players. Here are some of mine for the Cubbies. Some, like The Riot, are not original. Most are stupid.

The aforementioned The Riot, for Ryan Theriot.

Mike “F-Not” Fotenot.

Arimas “Pajamas” Ramirez

Ryan “The Avenue” Dempster

Kosuke “Sayonara” Fukudome

Derek “Dealio Deelee” Lee

Felix “Easy as Pie’ Pie

Mark “D Rose” DeRosa

Kerry “We got” Wood

Matt “Red” Murton. (Some nicknames pick themselves. Have you seen his hair? It’s a helmet. If he played for the Reds they would just paint a white C in front.

“Sweet, sweet, sweeter-than-sweet, sweet” Lou Piniella.

Carlos “The Jackal” Zombrano.