I'm gonna Ester Ledecka this bish, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Olympic Curling is fun to watch. It’s just hard to take all of the trash-talking.

The Olympic Curling is fun to watch, but the Canadian team could use help with their trash talking. “Nice of your mom to lend me her broom when she was taking a nap, eh?” 

At a speech in Maryland, Donald Trump was self-effacing about "Trying like hell to hide my bald spot." I'm not an expert on the apocalypse, but I am pretty sure this is the seventh sign.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping and was stripped of his bronze medal. Cheating in a sport known for smoking and doing Jagermeister shots between matches.

At the Olympics, a Russian bobsledder who wore a “I Don’t Do Doping” t-shirt, tested positive for a banned substance. And you’re not going to believe what the guy wearing the “I Did Not Do Katie Couric” t-shirt did.

In women’s Olympic Curling,  South Korea played Japan. Now, I don’t want to say the screaming was obnoxious, but now I know why they use stones. That kind of screaming in bowling would shatter the balls.

In women’s Olympic Curling,  South Korea played Japan. All of the players and coaches for South Korea are surnamed Kim. Makes it confusing to field the offers from groupies.

Ivanka Trump is going to the Olympic Closing Ceremonies in South Korea. You thought Ivanka eye-banged Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau? Wait until she sees the shirtless, oily Tonga dude. 

At the Olympics, a Russian bobsled pilot, who wore a t-shirt that said, “I Don’t Do Doping,” tested positive for a banned substance. Her name is Ivana Cheatsmyassoff.

At the Olympics, a Russian bobsled pilot tested positive for a banned substance. Officials became suspicious when she broke her 13th bobsled steering wheel. 

At the Olympics, a Russian bobsled pilot, who wore a t-shirt that said, “I Don’t Do Doping,” tested positive for a banned substance. Officials became suspicious when she drove her bobsled from South Korea to North Korea.

ISIS is reportedly undergoing a cash crisis.They used up all of the gift certificates for Thank Allah It’s Friday and Bed, Bath and a Bomb. 

Diggin’ Dawg

Let me explain my affectionate nickname for the awesome Jessica Diggins, Diggin’ Dawg.

Clearly it has nothing to do with the pejorative term for an ugly woman, dog, except ironically because she is so pretty.

Her last name is Diggins, and she was digging like crazy to win the gold.

Plus, and this is more of the reason, we had a beloved yellow/white lab named Wrigley whom one of his many nicknames was Wrigger the Digger Dawg. He would appear at the sliding glass door to be let inside looking all the world like a chocolate lab with all of the mud on him. 

I get the same tickle in my heart when I think of Wrigley as I do when I see Jessica. She is that cute and yet that tough and tenacious. 

Hey, Tenacious D might be a good nickname for her. Oh, right.

Great Guy Or Idiot? You Decide

Here is a classic example of why I am both a great guy and an idiot. And they occurred within seconds of each other.

So we are in Las Vegas for a soccer tournament five years ago. Ann Caroline and Virg go with other girls and moms shopping, so I head out for a run from our Double Tree off the strip to run along the strip.

As I am coming up over a pedestrian bridge, up the stairs bounds this cute, happy little brown-haired girl, about 10-years-old, in a full-length shiny lime-green princess dress complete with a tiara on her head. She is wearing a ton of makeup. And she has Down Syndrome. 

Her proud parents were right behind her. This really hit me in the heart. As a proud father of a daughter, I know how much it means when someone dotes on your kid. 

 So I stopped mid run and said to the little princess and her parents;

“Oh my word. Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but this is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in all of Las Vegas.” 

Her little angle face lit up and her parents smiled. She gave me the sweetest hug. It was a special moment.

This is when a smart man would have just ran away. But, no, I had to add more - meaning it as a joke, mind you;

“No, really,” I said to the cute little girl, "you’re the most beautiful girl in Las Vegas. Believe me, I have seen a lot of beautiful girls in Las Vegas because I’ve been to a lot of strip clubs.”

“Say goodbye to the man, Susie.”  

And the suddenly frightened parents hurried off with cute, confused little Susie turning around and waving goodbye.

It is the one-year anniversary of when a Hamas explosives expert blew off his arms and legs. In addition, he is in serious jeopardy of losing his title of Explosives Expert.

It is the one-year-anniversary of when a Hamas explosives expert blew off his arms and legs. When asked what went wrong, he was stumped.

The US women’s hockey team defeated Canada to with the Olympic gold medal. And the US men’s hockey team averaged four stars in their Uber rating.

It is the one-year-anniversary of when a Hamas explosives expert blew off his arms and legs. It was the worst performance prior to Fergie singing the National Anthem. 

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam had to make an emergency landing after a fight broke out over a passenger who refused to stop passing gas. The offending passenger was arrested and charged with impersonating Fergie. 

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Officials became suspicious when he started sweeping and broke through the ice to the cement underneath.

Officials became suspicious when he threw a stone from South Korea to North Korea.

Since you asked:

No doubt about it, we live in divisive times. So the last thing anyone needs is some hack, underemployed, freelance comedy writer stirring things up. But, as the song says, “Here you come again.”

Is a hot dog a sandwich?

Before friends become enemies and enemies become friends, let’s look at this logically. A sandwich is like pornography; I know it when I see it. And I usually take a nap afterwards. 

To say something is a sandwich because it has meat and bread is flat false. The greatest two sandwiches in the world have no meat. The grilled cheese sandwich and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

To say something with dough, meats, sauce and cheese is a sandwich is to say that pizza is a sandwich. If we say pizza is a sandwich, well, then the terrorists win. Is a calzone a sandwich? Do you want me to come over there and slap yo' face? 

A hot dog is a hot dog. A hot dog is not a sandwich. A hamburger is not a sandwich. A sandwich is a sandwich. 


The NRA wants to arm teachers. Yeah, 'cause I can just see my third grade teacher, Mrs Henderson, adjust her hairnet, drop her knitting, pick up a glock and bust a cap in a G's ass. 

"I meant to get back to you sooner, but it has been a little crazy around here."

Congratulations to the pride of Afton, Minnesota, Jessica Diggins - whom I have affectionately nicknamed Diggin' Dawg - for her gutsy anchor leg in the sprint relay which gave the US its first ever medal - and a gold at that - in cross country. 

And the always awesome, Lindsey Vonn, won bronze in the downhill making her the oldest woman to medal in Olympic alpine skiing. You can tell Lindsey is older, she left her turn signal on the whole way down. 

On this President's Day, did you know that the young Abraham Lincoln invented Bed-Head? 

You got to skate away clean, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is President’s Day. Hopefully Donald Trump will get someone to pay attention to him.

Norway is dominating the Winter Olympics. And you thought Donald Trump wanted them to immigrate before? 

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Not only that, but now they think he corked his broom.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Officials became suspicious when he started sweeping and broke through the ice to the cement underneath.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Officials became suspicious when he threw a stone from South Korea to North Korea.

The US women’s hockey team advanced to the gold medal game against Canada. The US men’s hockey team lost 4-0 to Russia and will resume their careers as Chipotle health inspectors.

At the Olympics, the Canadian ice dancing pair of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir skated to a score of the Rolling Stones, Santana and the Eagles. “That was a perfect 10,” said the year in 1976. 

In Australia, a Carnival Cruise tour was halted when 23 passengers were kicked off for fighting. This is what happens when you run out of bacon at the Midnight Buffet. 

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. Penis bleaching is available in three shades, from white to whitest: the The Snowboard Gold Medalist, The Cold Play and the whitest, The Eric Trump.

At the Olympics, a Russian curler tested positive for doping. Cheating at curling is like plagiarizing on a term paper about the evils of cheating.

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. For an extra fee, they can bleach your penis so white it can be named a member of Donald Trump’s cabinet.

The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. Penis bleaching is available in three shades, from white to whitest: The Cross Country Skier, The Polka Dance, and the whitest, The Trump Cabinet. 

On “60 Minutes,” Sec. of State, Rex Tillerson, sidestepped the question did he call Donald Trump a moron. Nobody bought the explanation Tillerson was talking about one of Trump’s favorite bands, Maroon 5. 

In Australia, a Carnival Cruise tour was halted when 23 passengers were kicked off for fighting. It wasn’t so much fighting as it was aggressive jostling for position at the All-You-Can-Eat dessert bar.

When a skier suddenly fell at the Olympics for no reason, the announcer said he was bitten by a snow snake. Coincidentally, Snow Snake is the name of the company in Thailand that offers penis bleaching.










Since you asked:

Martin: Did you know, and this is pretty amazing, but I once saw Ringo Starr.

William: Where was that?

Martin: Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo, um, it could have been that guy from Fiddler on the Roof. You know, Toppy.

William: Topol.

Martin: Yes... yes that's right, Topol.

William: Mmmhmmm. Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't- doesn't at all look like, uh, Topol.

Martin: Yes, but, he was- he was quite a long way away from me.

William: So it actually could've been neither of them.

Martin: Yes, I suppose, so.

William: It's not really a classic, anecdote, is it?


Martin: Not a classic, no.


 - "Knotting Hill"