Please, just get over yourself, monkey person, you ain't all that and a bowl of tofu, oh snap.

Dat's right, uh huh, we all gansta up in here, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

"King Kong" the musical coming to Broadway. What? You didn't know King Kong was gay? The guy is a buffed vegan who had a platonic relationship with a hot blonde. Super gay.

The winner of the Delaware Republican Senate Primary, Christine O’Donnell, is an outspoken opponent of masturbation. Finally, a politician who won’t jerk us around.


The winner of the Delaware Republican Senate Primary, Christine O’Donnell, is an outspoken opponent of masturbation. A quick hand poll revealed voters expect her to beat off her opponent.


The good news is the Lady Gaga meat dress could go on sale on eBay for charity. The bad news? The leading bidders on the meat dress are presumed to be Taco Bell, McDonalds and Sizzlers.


The winner of the Delaware Republican Senate Primary, Christine O’Donnell, is an outspoken opponent of masturbation. Ironically, she expects to win the election single-handed.


Joe Montana - the QB at Notre Dame at the time -said most of the movie “Rudy” did not happen. Montana went on to add Brian Piccolo faked being sick in “Brian’s Song,” the championship game in “Hoosiers” was fixed and when Ray Kinsella asked his dad for a catch in “Field of Dreams,” his dad told him to shut up and run to the store for some smokes.


A Michigan thief was caught on a security camera before he put on his Darth Vadar mask. Authorities warn the suspect is armed, dumb and a virgin.


The rumor is Shaquille O’Neal has proposed. Look for a very special “Shaq Vs.” where Shaq attempts to go on their honeymoon and not seriously hurt his new wife.


John Mayer announced he has quit Twitter. But don’t worry, his racist penis will continue to post messages on the KKK Facebook page.


A Michigan thief was caught on a security camera before he put on his Darth Vadar mask. Police are now searching for the world’s stupidest virgin.


A Michigan thief was caught on a security camera before he put on his Darth Vadar mask. The only thing authorities are sure of is he did not need the money for a date.

The airlines are considering replacing their seats on short flights with smaller saddle-like seats to cram in more passengers. This will be the airlines best plan to add more passengers until they figure out how to shove a passenger inside another passenger.



Finally saw my first episode of “Mad Men.” Wow, I haven’t seen that much smoking, drinking and inappropriate sexual harassment of women since the New York Jet’s post game party.


A female reporter, Ines Sainz, has accused the New York Jets of making sexually inappropriate remarks. Ines doesn’t have to worry, anyone who saw the Jets lose their first game knows they can only talk about scoring, not do it.

Reggie Bush had to return his 2005 Heisman Trophy due to taking bribes from an agent. Bush had no choice, otherwise they were going to humiliate the former USC student by asking him to spell Heisman.

This right here my new gal, Debbie the Webbie

Be the you that you are when you are you being you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Polite applause)

Cher presented the VMA to Lady Gaga who wore a dress made of raw meat. Cher was so shocked by Lady Gaga’s meat dress her eyebrows almost moved.

It was gross, all this rancid flesh dangling there. And besides Cher, Lady Gaga’s meat dress was nasty too.

A Georgia man claims he found a tampon in his cereal box. The bad news it that is disgusting, the good news is now he can go swimming, hiking, camping, horseback riding . . .

Bill Clinton said the biggest threat to the Democrats in November is anger, apathy and amnesia. When asked to comment, one voter said he was so mad at the democrats he didn’t care and he forgot the question.

Cher presented the VMA to Lady Gaga who wore a dress made of raw meat. Thanks to Lady Gaga, guys have a new insult for their buddies; “Hey, nice Fantasy football team, meat dress.”

That Lady Gaga meat dress isn’t as crazy as it looks. Right now I am wearing Flank steak boxers and they are cool and comfy.

(Assist Janice Hough)
A pretty Mexican sports reporter, Ines Sainz, claims the New York Jets harassed her with inappropriate comments. On their part, the Jets claim Sainz dresses provocatively in tight jeans and flirts with the players. It’s the same thing they used to accuse John Madden of doing.

John Mayer has quit his twitter account. And my reason to continue living is what again?

A “Playboy” centerfold model, Tiffany Livingston, had to be subdued by her Jet Blue passengers when she tried to open the emergency door midflight. Tiffany was tackled, held down, and for reasons we’re not sure, given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as well as a complete physical.

Tiffany was tackled and they confiscated her bra and panties just to be safe, you know, in case she was hiding weapons in them.

A Korean scientist has invented a talk-powering cell phone. When informed, former President Bush said; “Now see? Aren’t you glad they didn’t burn the Korean?”

Las Vegas is considering opening marijuana bars. Finally a way to make those $1.99 all-you-can-eat buffets appetizing.

The Nevada brothel Bunny Ranch fired one of Tiger Woods’s old flings, Devon James, for unprofessional behavior. Wow, getting fired from a whore house is not going to look good on her resume.

When did whore houses become more ethical than congress?

A poll that asked if the Koran book-burning would have put American serviceman’s lives in danger in Afghanistan, 65% said yes, 25% said no and 10% asked “What’s a book?”


The Rolling Stones have launched their own brand of wine. The Rolling Stones wine is good because it ages ten years for every year it’s in the bottle.


The Washington Redskins want to trade Albert Haynesworth and they should. Albert is overweight, lazy, surly, out-of-shape and over-paid. In other words, a born Oakland Raider.


Since you asked:


Don’t be bashful, speak up, Slats and Nuggies, folks want to hear your question: Lex, you bonvivant, you raconteur, you mother effin’ man-about-town, what is your secret for barbecue chicken?

Use bone in, skin on thighs. Marinate them in olive oil and garlic powder for at least an hour. More better. After, give them a good rub of garlic powder, Old Bay seasoning, sea salt and pepper.

Prepare your Weber grill with mesquite hard wood in the chimney while soaking some hickory chips in a bowl on the side. Play a song list on the outdoor speakers heavy with the Stones, E.C., John Hiatt, Junior Wells, Doobie Brothers, Tom Petty and Bonnie Raitt.

Place the thighs opposite of the side with the coals, sprinkle some hickory chips on the coals and cover. We are talking as indirect as you can get. The smoke is the key. Just mesquite and it is too mesquite flavored, just hickory and it is too hickory flavored. This way you get a great combination.

Start making the barbecue sauce. The secret? The base is Kansas City Barbeque sauce. It is so great it could stand on its own, but it is even better if you doctor it up, ala my Cuz Jake Rodgers.

So go play doctor.

Saute diced sweet onions with some garlic until it cooks way down, but not browned. Slather in most of the bottle of KCB sauce. Add a splash of white wine vinegar for a clean taste. Follow that with healthy dollops of ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire and honey. Let it simmer down until thick.

For corn on the cob, husk the corn leaving the husks on at the base, but taking off the corn hairs. Heat some butter in the microwave until it melts, add a big squeeze of lime and garlic powder and salt, place it in the fridge until it thickens to a paste. Then paste it on the corn covering it back up in the husks.

Add more hickory chips to the coals.

After thirty minutes untouched and skin up, the chicken skin is brown sans barbeque sauce. Add the corn and cover for another ten to fifteen minutes. Turn the corn and now slather on the barbeque sauce on the chicken. After a bit, flip the chicken adding sauce on the bottom. (No need to turn the chicken until this point) Then turn the chicken back skin side up. The last five minutes, place the corn and the BBQ sauce-slathered chicken right over the coals. Chicken is skin-side down until you see grill marks and a few – but just a few - of the kernels of corn are popping brown/black.

A little less than one hour for the chicken thighs, thirty minutes for the corn. Oh, and, ten minutes before the chicken and corn are done, heat up some baked beans and corn bread. 


There ain't nothing like a good game on the HD, Stones rockin', icy cold beer in a frozen mug and seeing BBQ chicken on the Weber grill all cozy with grilled corn.

Dammit, you folks are gonna have to start paying for these pearls. Ya hear?

This right here what I'm talkin' about

Do the to to the do ‘til it’s did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Apple has unveiled a new “Star Trek” app for their iPhone. There is a disclaimer, guys: the “Star Trek” app will block your iPhone from being able to call a woman for a date.

Britney Spears ex-bodyguard, Fernando Flores, is suing Britney for unwanted sexual harassment. In technical legal terms this is known as publically declaring you’re gayer than Lady Gaga’s hairdresser.

Fernando Flores is a Spanish name that means: wow, am I gay.

An advisor to Senator Barbara Boxer was arrested after trying to smuggle marijuana in his pocket in to a Senate office building. The man claims he didn’t know the marijuana was there because he borrowed the pants from Paris Hilton.

Did you hear about the fight in the stands at the US Open? Well, it is tennis, so it wasn’t really a fight, but one guy made a nasty remark about another guy’s shirt being a cotton/polyester blend.

The Washington Redskins are trying to trade lineman Albert Haynesworth because he has been fat, lazy, unproductive and wildly over-paid. In other words, just like a congressman.

The Washington Redskins are trying to trade lineman Albert Haynesworth because he has been lazy, unproductive and wildly over-paid. It is so bad the Redskins are willing to trade Haynesworth for a low draft pick and a Ryan Leaf to-be-named-later.


Did you hear about the fight in the stands at the US Open? Well, it is tennis, so it wasn’t really a fight, but one guy did make a rather sarcastic remark about another fellow’s polo pony.

The CEO of Ryanair said they are going to get rid of their co-pilots, they’re going to replace them with bartenders.

A Florida church is planning a Koran burning party. See, this is what happens when Florida high school teachers sleep with their students instead of teaching them, they grow up to be stupid.

An advisor to Senator Barbara Boxer was arrested after trying to smuggle marijuana in his pants pocket in to a Senate office building. The man claims he thought the marijuana was gum.

Britney Spears ex-bodyguard, Fernando Flores, is suing Britney for repeated unwanted sexual harassment. Listen, dude, if you want to publically out yourself as super gay, fine, but don’t drag Britney into this.

A London study reveals women are far more attracted to men who dance in flamboyant and dramatic ways. Unfortunately for the women, those men are far more attracted to other men.


Since you asked:
Great job, NFL. And by great job, I am assuming you are trying to kill the goose that lays the golden egg that is America’s nearly limitless love of football.

By adding even more commercial time and by killing the momentum of the game with ridiculously lengthy official reviews you are able to kill the likeability of even the well-played and close games, let alone the countless blowouts.

In the time it takes the coach to get the call from his coach up top and call for a review, the officials to stop the game and get an official to some funky booth where he looks at the replay forever and finally make a decision, come back and then announce it, I could have e-mailed and texted you the real results 100 times.

But what do you expect from a league that flies in, puts up in hotels and pays two teams of guys to measure first downs with a chain and two sticks during lengthy timeouts when GPS can track every inch on this planet in a millisecond? Gosh, that would require putting a chip in the ball. We don’t have the technology to do that, do we? Oh yeah, it’s not 1986 anymore, we can.

And what the hell is the impossible-to-figure-out rules regarding a catch? Now, as a Bear fan, I don’t mind that the Bears won the game because of botching that insanely complicated catch rule, but that ruling against the Lions sucked.

In baseball they have managed to determine that a catch is one where the guy caught it and held it. Why can’t the NFL figure that out? Not to get all John Madden on your tuchus, but if the guy was in the end zone with a ball in his hands, that, that, that, that’s a touchdown.

Speaking of the NFL, did I mention I did that Washington Redskins Albert-Hayneswroth-flunking-three-times fitness test? Oh, I did? Did I mention that I nailed it? Six seconds under on the first run and a full eleven seconds under on the second run?

Huh.

That’s funny, because I don’t remember mentioning that I nailed the NFL fitness test by that much even at 52.

But my memory, unlike apparently my steel-spring legs, powerful lungs and piston heart, isn’t what it used to be.