Oh we gonna throw do

Oh we gonna throw down the hoe down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Makes sense
In sad news, Phyllis Gates, the former wife of dead gay movie star legend Rock Hudson, passed away; services will be Saturday with the eulogy delivered by Liza Minelli and Katie Holmes


Give it up
It’s official, Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s baby; at what point are Angelina and Brad going to admit they are more than friends? When they have grandchildren? “Come on Nanny and Papa, tell the truth, are you two an item?”


Oh sure
This grilling of nominated supreme court judge, Samuel Alito, is getting serious. Today Judge Alito denied that he and Angelina Jolie are more than friends.


Oh, him
The new NBC show “Book of Daniel” is controversial because it features Jesus as a recurring character; in fact, it’s the only TV show that has a religious figure if you don’t count Donald Trump who thinks he’s god.


Could you repeat that?
A study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are more susceptible to memory loss maladies; in addition, people who drink too much alcohol are more susceptible to memory loss maladies.


Can’t you hear me knockin’?
In an interview “King Kong” actor Jack Black admitted he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; man, I hope I never get OCD, knock on wood 475 times.


Here is my question about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: does a neurotic dyslexic have Disorder Compulsive Obsessive?


Packing ‘em back on
A market research firm has discovered that the percentage of Americans who consider over-weight people unattractive has dropped considerably. Americans are finding heavy people more and more attractive; in a related story, Kirsty Alley has just quit Jenny Craig.


A Market Research firm has discovered that Americans are finding over-weight people more and more attractive; well, except for Michael Moore, but other than him, Americans are finding heavy people more attractive.


A market research firm has discovered that the percentage of Americans who consider over-weight people unattractive has dropped considerably. Americans are finding heavy people more and more attractive; in a related story, more Americans are going to bars and getting really drunk.


Old reference
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. There are so many girls pregnant the school mascot is a dead rabbit.


Newer
At a high school in Canton Ohio, 13% of the girls are pregnant. There are so many girls pregnant the school symbol is a blue pregnancy test stick.

We coming down on th

We coming down on the clowns what come around, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


That explains it
In Cincinnati, they found a woman who had been dead in front of her TV for two and a half years. That is awful, but it does explain how she was able to watch so many episodes of “Joey.”



Quite a following
In playoff games, New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady is 10-0. Brady is a rich, handsome famous sports legend who men idolize. And not just gay cowboys, either.  
  

Please
A phone survey by the University of Buffalo reveals that 9% of workers have nursed a hangover at work; do you realize what this means? People lie to phone surveys. Maybe 9% haven’t been hung-over at work. And that’s just among Mormon priests.


9% have nursed a hangover at work? If a writer shows up here not hung-over we send them home. “Don’t come back until you look like Charlie Rose.”


180 degrees
The NFL won't renew its sponsorship deal with Levitra or other erectile-enhancing products; but the NFL will air commercials for the arthritis drug, Celebrex, so it appears the NFL has reversed its position and wants to get rid of stiff joints.


Not since then
Did you hear about the guy in New Mexico who threw a mouse in a burning pile of leaves and the mouse ran into his house burning it to the ground? It’s the greatest example of animal revenge since a Wyoming rancher was raped by his sheep


Festive
It is unseasonably warm in New York City; in fact, it felt so much like spring the cab drivers were hiding Easter eggs in their turbans.  


Arrrrrrrr
In London, Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri is on trial facing 15 chargers of terrorism; in addition, the one eyed, hook-handed Hamza also faces the lesser charge of badly impersonating a pirate.


That would explain it     
According to Variety, the hottest trend in Hollywood now is gay-themed movies; this explains the sequel “Deuce Bigalow, Cowboy Gigolo.”


Scrap this idea
The NFL has cancelled their endorsement deal with Levitra and all erectile dysfunction drug companies; well, so much for the New York Giants plan next season for keeping Eli Manning up in the pocket.


It was a rough playoff game for the New York Giants Eli Manning; when asked if he wanted a chance to explain his poor performance, Eli passed. And it was intercepted.


Good news bad news
It was determined that disgraced South Korean researcher Hwang Woo-Suk’s cloning results were phony, but that his cloned dog, Snuppy, was real; so now that he can clone dogs, Hwang is through as a South Korean scientist but he has a bright future as a Korean restaurant owner.


Give it a try
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is doing better and doctors say they plan to draw him out of his induced coma; and if it works, they will try the same thing on Courtney Love.


Good news, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is reportedly breathing on his own, so he is already doing better than Dick Cheney.


Since you asked
This morning I took a culinary stroll down memory lane and reprised a wonderful epicurean experience of my college days at Santa Barbara. After waiting tables for the always busy brunch shift at the Elegant Farmer in Goleta, the awesome cooks would whip together an off-the-menu, off-the-charts special they dubbed Da Kine Burrito: Scrambled eggs with Chorizo, avocado, sour cream, bacon and cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla and smothered in Hollandaise sauce. This was accompanied with hash browns, sliced bananas marinated in cream and Cream De Cocoa served with a screw driver and or champagne.


This morning I only replicated the scrambled eggs with Chorizo, bacon and cheese in a flour tortilla without the sauce, hash browns, bananas or any booze. It was great, but somehow I don’t remember suffering from this chest plate scorching heart burn that is still raging three hours after I consumed my toned-down version of Da Kine burrito. This probably has nothing to do with being a tad older than I used to be.  


Nah.


No lie, I would down this gastronomic amazement and be starving an hour later; but I was also 21, working out for the Decathlon three hours a day, waiting tables for a few hours, windsurfing in my spare time and riding my bike to and from the restaurant. If I tried to eat all of that now, I would be doing a Dick Cheney impression within the hour.


“Charge. Clear. Again. Charge. Clear. We have a sinus rhythm.”


Comedy
Now I don’t remember the comedian’s name, but she was a very funny attractive woman of about 32 and her routine was she was the bitter single gal. She said, by her age, she had already expected to be divorced.


She then scolded the young babes;


“Oh, sure, when you’re in your twenties you go through men like tissues.” She then pantomimes carelessly flinging tissues from a Kleenex box into the air while singing;


“He’s too tall, he can’t dance, I don’t like the pleats in his pants.” Then she screeches;


“But when you hit thirty, girls, that box is empty and you’re left scrounging through the waste basket for any old wadded up tissue.”


“Where’s the guy who loved me too much? Where is the guy who was too neat?”


Uh, that’s, uh, that’s pretty funny stuff.

It all kinds of ghet

It all kinds of ghetto fabizzy up in this here humpty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


That offensive, huh?
A movie theater in Utah cancelled a showing of “Brokeback Mountain” claiming it offended community standards; one Utah man said the gay cowboy movie was so offensive it upset all twenty of his wives.


“Brokeback Mountain” isn’t just a gay cowboy movie, it’s a touching love story where a man just couldn’t leave the other behind.


Did you hear they are going to make an Italian version of “Brokeback Mountain” It is very subtle, at least I think that’s what the Italians meant when they say it will have a lot of innuendo.


Poor Ahhhhnuld
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was treated for fifteen stitches in his lip after he was involved in a low speed motorcycle accident. It was the worst shot to the face Arnold’s received since he saw the reviews for “Kindergarten Cop.”

The weirdest thing about this? After Arnold’s lip was injured, he could suddenly talk clearly.

How warm is it?
It’s been unseasonably warm in New York. It was so warm even the Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning got hot for a while.


Giant loss
You could tell the New York Giants would get shut out in their playoff loss to the Carolina Panthers. Their tight end, Jeremy Shockey, used to date Paris Hilton and he couldn’t score either.  


It was a bad week for Eli Manning, he made a pass at Paris Hilton and it was intercepted.


Quite an image
Postage stamps have gone up two cents to 39 cents. The first new stamp features a Hollywood and current events scene: a giant ape bribing a congressman with a gay cowboy.


VP check
Dick Cheney was hospitalized for shortness of breath; Cheney is OK, he was just winded from explaining what a Supreme Court Judge is to President Bush.


Not nice at all
An investigative panel revealed that South Korean researcher Hwang Woo-Suk faked his cloning research. Even still, I though it was mean how they confronted him: They said “Hwang Woo-Suk? Dang, you suck.”


Who is surprised by this? Everyone knows King Clone gets it in the end.  


That’s a latte explosives. Get it? A latte of explosives? Oh, I kill all right
A bomb was discovered in a San Francisco Starbucks; the bomb was easily defused, the police showed the bomb the Starbucks drink prices and the bomb became incredulous and stormed out  


It was a serious bomb, it would have blown everything as sky high as the prices.


Hate to hear that but that doesn’t mean I won’t pile on
In sad news, two-time Oscar winner Hillary Swank and her husband Chad Lowe are getting divorced. The couple is citing irreconcilable career differences.


Two-time Oscar winner Hillary Swank and her husband Chad Lowe are getting divorced. Things haven’t been the same for the couple since the night she was awarded her second Oscar for “Million Dollar Baby” and he was awarded his second “Starbucks Employee of the Month.”


See above
Divorcing couple Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are selling the house made famous in “Newlyweds.” When asked if the proceeds will be split equitably, Jessica said; “No, we’ll just divide it up 50-50.”


How does that happen?
Michael Jackson said he wants to move to Berlin, Germany because he “fell in love with the city.” Amazingly, somehow Jackson mistook Berlin for a ten-year-old boy.


Eh, Jose?
Canada joined Spain as the only two countries to allow gay marriage. In fact, Spain is going on a fishing trip with Canada but they ain’t doin’ any fishing.


Uh, no honey, that’s not what, oh forget it
Divorcing couple Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are selling the house made famous in “Newlyweds.” When asked if she was going to be celibate or promiscuous when single, Jessica said; “I’m going to stay a Baptist.”

That does not Bode well
After telling “Sixty Minutes” he once ski raced drunk and would do it again, gold medal favorite Bode Miller may be kicked off the US ski team. The coach said Miller has been contentious, difficult, broke training rules and may be ejected prior to the Olympics. On the bright side, he could get Terrell Owens as a roommate.  

After telling “Sixty Minutes” he once ski raced drunk and would do it again, gold medal favorite Bode Miller may be kicked off the US ski team. Insiders say Miller is trying to market himself as a rebel. The word rebel dates back to the Civil War as a nickname for someone in a rebellion. Today the word rebel is meant to describe a renegade but it is actually more synonymous with another word: A-Hole.  

See now it gonna get

See now, it gonna get all kinds of robust up in the biddy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Good thing
Friends of President Bush said that Bush admitted that he has fantasized about other women but never acted on it. It’s good Bush isn’t a philanderer, because he couldn’t pronounce it if he was.


Marketing
Francis Ford Coppola’s winery has come out with champagne in the can. And now “Brokeback Mountain” has come out with their merchandising drink: Cowboy in the can.


Why, I never
In London, Liberal democrat Charles Kennedy resigned saying he had a drinking problem; A liberal democrat named Kennedy with a drinking problem? Who ever heard of such a thing?


Good for them
In her book, Star Jones revealed that, before they were married, she and her husband Al Reynolds were celibate; now they have fake sex at least twice a week.


Eww, bet they are shaking over there
France and Germany have warned Iran against continuing their nuclear research; in fact, if Iran proceeds, France and Germany will have no choice but to double-dog dare Iran.  


Wow, a warning from France and Germany. About the only thing scarier than that is a mild rebuke from Switzerland.


France and Germany have warned Iran against continuing their nuclear research; maybe Germany used to warrant a decent warning, but France, come on? What’s the worst the French can do, launch a vicious snubbing?


A warning from France? That’s as scary as being challenged to a spelling bee by President Bush.


Not a good sign
Because of indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, I don’t want to say congress is worried about going to prison, but on Capital Hill they are showing “Brokeback Mountain” as an instructional film.


Makes sense
Donald Trump is thinking about running for governor of New York; You know what Trump’s first act would be if elected? Changing New York’s name to New Trump.


Not since then, huh?
Because of indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, congress is running scared, in fact, I haven’t seen congressman covering their butts this much since gay congressman Barney Frank was in the congressional locker room.


Real life, take one
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was treated for minor injuries after he was involved in a low speed motorcycle accident when a Volvo backed out of a driveway; That’s Hollywood, as the Terminator, Arnold crashed through windows, fire and brick walls on a motorcycle. In real life? “Ahh, a slow moving station wagon, noooooo!”


We kid the President
Dick Cheney was briefly hospitalized with shortness of breath; and President Bush was treated for shortness of foresight.


Stop it, you’re so fierce
The singer Pink is getting married. In fact, this is the first time a singer called Pink married a guy since, well, Elton John.


Buckeroo, eww, eww
“Brokeback Mountain” led the golden globe nominations. Still, if you ask me, the concept of a gay cowboy is pretty far fetched, I mean cowboys wear leather chaps, boots, a scarf, a hat, carry a rope and walk bow-legged. OK, maybe it’s not that far fetched.