Saturday, April 23, 2005

Friday, April 22, 2005

What it is, what it was, what it shall be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Take it really easy
The Eagles are on tour. The Eagles are starting to get up there in age. Have you heard their latest single? It’s called “Life in the Fast Ramp.”

Wha’ the?
I had a rough day today. I told a girl I didn’t have my palm pilot and asked her if she would let me Google on her Blackberry and she slapped me.

Set my people free
An image of the Virgin Mary has appeared on a highway underpass in Chicago. Do you think that’s a miracle? That's not a miracle. Now if the Cubs win the World Series, that will be a miracle.

Oh, that’s not right
In Seoul, South Korea, six elephants escaped from an amusement park and rampaged through the streets. A crowd of Koreans defused the situation when they surrounded the elephants and ate them.

Mean, we’re talking real mean here
Camilla Parker Bowles postponed a solo visit to see patients at a hospital in Southern England. That’s a good idea, haven’t those people have suffered enough?

Speaking of Camilla and hospitals, did you know that Camilla once caught the flesh eating virus? She’s fine, the flesh eating virus took one look at Camilla and decided to become a vegetarian.

Honest mistake
President Bush's nominee for ambassador to the United Nations may have trouble getting confirmed. I can see why, he is annoying, arrogant, obnoxious, has really bad hair and is a way- over-the-top corny singer. Wait, that’s Michael Bolton, not John Bolton. Sorry, wrong Bolton.

Getting a hand on the situation
The California woman who claimed she found a human fingertip in a bowl of Wendi’s chili was arrested. Somebody must have fingered her.
When asked why the woman was arrested, the police said that they got a hot tip.

They might drop the second one
The California woman who claimed she found a human fingertip in a bowl of Wendi’s chili was arrested. She was arrested on a warrant alleging grand larceny. In addition she was given the lesser charge of impersonating Mike Tyson.

That’s about right
A Cal State survey found that 63 % of Californians referred to friends as "dude." The other 37% only speak Spanish.

Bennifer, act two
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are engaged. Ben is happy, he can still keep his towels from J. Lo that have Bennifer embroidered on them.

The Chicago Cubs Nomar Garciaparra was diagnosed with a ruptured groin. Ouch. Ruptured groin? Those are two words guys don’t ever want combined. The only two worse words you could combine are exploded and testicle.

The Chicago Cubs Nomar Garciaparra will be out for three months with a ruptured groin. Or, as his wife, soccer great Mia Hamm, calls three months of resting Nomar’s groin: the longest 2,184 hours of her life.

It seems Garciaparra’s groin didn’t become fully ruptured until after it was initially injured earlier. The probable cause of Garciaparra’s initial groin injury? Well, my guess is because his wife, Mia Hamm, is retired from soccer, if you get what I mean.

New names
The Anaheim Angels are now the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. That must make the Dodgers the Los Angeles Dodgers of Chavez Ravine, the Yankees the New York Yankees of the Bronx and the most appropriately named team of them all: the New York Mets of Flushing.

That means I still have a shot
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey had a bad falling out. That means that Nicole Richey is the only person on the planet who has absolutely no chance of having sex with Paris Hilton.

Since you asked:
When you are awake, you control your thoughts. When you are dreaming, your thoughts control you. Oh . . . my . . .

(Crushingly loud sarcastic applause)

Called my buddies office. An assistant/receptionist answered and I asked to talk to Mark. She said;

"He's out of the office. Do you have his cell number?" I said;

"No, that would be great, thanks." She said;

"Oh, I can't give it to you, I just wondered if you had it."

That's a crack team you got over there, O'Snickity Snake.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

This just in:
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles honeymoon went without a hitch. That’s what they said, without a hitch. I guess they tied Camilla to a tree instead.

The latest trend is women who fake cell phone calls to avoid unwanted advances from men. And get this: the women who talk dirty to Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien on their cell phones? Turns out they were faking their phone sex orgasms.

We best detect it, direct it, inspect it and check it before we wreck it up in here Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No Shock Here
Paris Hilton has designed a line of jewelry for dogs. Paris said people admire her dog, Tinkerbell’s, style so it shouldn’t come as a shock that Paris is a big fan of doggie style.

Mais oui get down?
In France, two skiers were left dangling overnight on a frozen mountain when the ski staff turned off their chairlift and left them. The worst part? When they found them the next morning the resort charged them for that day’s ski pass.

Although tired, suffering from severe hypothermia and possible frostbite the two Parisians said, all things considered, it was still better than going to Euro Disney.

And you thought you got treated rudely in France?

The French ski staff said they were horribly embarrassed and ashamed. They thought the two skiers they abandoned on the lifts were Americans.

The two Parisians were left out in the windy mountain air overnight. And the amazing thing is that, the next day, they still stunk.

These sausage jokes are going to hurt you more than they hurt me, and they really hurt me

(I wasn’t kidding)
A driver in Britain suffered a broken nose after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car. The victim said it hurt, but that it was his pride that was knocked worst.

(OK, can someone make these stop, please?)
His insurance won’t cover the sausage injury and the police have no clues. Truly, in a situation like this, everybody loses, there simply are no wieners.

(There is simply no excuse for this)
The man said, to try and catch the driver that threw the sausages, he mustard all of his courage but his car couldn’t ketchup.

(Does the word shame ring any bells, Lex?)
The police suspect the frozen sausages were thrown by two known obnoxious, spoiled local youths. Apparently they are a couple of real Brats.

(That is enough)
At least he wasn’t hit with a Ballpark Frank, because, as you know, you can throw a frank furter.

Wrong kind of cheating
A Pennsylvania principal was charged with helping his students cheat on a test to improve their scores. That’s horrible. Teachers and administrators should not interfere with students unless, of course, they’re having sex with them.

He’ll be back
Maria Shriver revealed that Arnold Schwarzenegger burns their kids clothes if they leave them lying around. Arnold runs around frantically picking things up off the floor and tosses them right in the fire. Tragically, this led to grief for their pet cat Buffy.

Why is that?
In Chicago, hundreds are flocking to an image of the Virgin Mary under a highway underpass. Have you noticed these religious images always pop up on lower profile items, like tortillas, grilled cheese sandwiches and underpasses? You never hear; “It’s a miracle, an image of the Virgin Mary popped up on Donald Trump’s comb-over.”

The Eagles, sports and really, really bad jokes all combined. Is this a great country or what?
At an Eagles concert in Los Angeles, singer/guitarist Joe Walsh actually changed the lyrics on “Life’s Been Good” to:

I have a limo
Ride in the back
I watch the Lakers
They stink without Shaq

Why stop there? Look for the Eagles next Laker song;

Welcome to the Hotel California
You can have room service here
As long as Kobe Bryant ain’t near

And look for the rest of the basketball updated Eagles songs:

“Life in the Pass Lane”, “Wasted Time-Out” “Peaceful Easy Stealing” “Doolin Dunkin” “Seven Bridges Road Trip” and “The Long Gun”

Attention all Gay Insurance brokers
Connecticut has passed gay marriages. So, as far as gay couples are concerned, they can now put the connect in Connecticut.

Nowhere close
The world is getting to know Pope Benedict. In a related story, I am still nowhere close to making a halfway decent Pope Benedict/Eggs Benedict joke connection.

I’m not positive on this one
The Taliban has launched a pirate radio station in Afghanistan. I think it’s called Air “Death to” America.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

Well the talking dog, the Wrigger Digger, almost did it. He almost did himself in.

Wrigley was acting funny – and believe me, for the Big Wrig, that is saying something. He wasn’t his old self. He didn’t want to pester Kasey for one of the scariest things. Then he would yelp and I mean but loud for no reason.

Yesterday early morning he yelped so much I grabbed him and took him to the emergency room at the Helen Woodward Animal Center. After a quick once over, they said he wasn’t critical and to just take him to his Vet.

Eight hours, ten X-rays, five blood tests and $400 later, guess what was wrong? Wrigley had eaten himself to the hilt. The day before he got into the house for a long time without being discovered after the back French doors blew open. He must have gotten into his food because, on the X-Rays, this dog was stuffed from his back teeth to his tail with food, huge gas bubbles and you-know-what. He was a walking white furry loaded Poop cannon all set to explode. If they had found him in Iraq he would have qualified as a weapon of mass destruction.

He’s back to his old self today, and, as much as I find it hard to believe I am admitting it, that is good.

Meanwhile, poor Kasey just sits there with a veritable doggy halo over her little worried head.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

We about ten times kinda crazy up in this blizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We kid George the W
President Bush attended the Lincoln library dedication. Bush was a little disappointed in the Lincoln library: it doesn’t have a hooked-on-phonics section.

The new Abraham Lincoln Presidential library is different the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential library. For example, the Lincoln library does not have a champagne room for private lap dances.

It was a little awkward at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential library opening. President Bush praised Lincoln as a great President and a visionary car maker of fine luxury sedans.

You know it’s bad when . . .
The testimony from the mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser isn’t going well at all for the prosecution. It’s so bad the prosecution is thinking of calling up a less damaging, much more mentally stable and credible source then the Mother: Michael Jackson.

Of course
We knew that the Vatican had picked a Pope when the smoke went from black to white. Today Jesse Jackson accused the Vatican of being biased against black smoke.

Radio: it’s a good thing
Martha Stewart has a deal with Sirius satellite radio. Radio will be better for Martha than television, now she won’t have to wait until commercial breaks to slap her underlings.

Since being convicted of lying about insider trading to federal prosecutors, Martha Stewart has been sentenced to her luxury estate, has signed numerous book and television deals and now she has a radio show. Well, if that doesn’t teach her not to break the law, nothing will.

In Seoul, South Korea, a bunch of elephants escaped from an amusement park and rampaged through the streets. It was scary. It was like the time Kirstie Alley, Rueben Stoddard and Michael Moore all showed up at the same time at Dennys.

Sir Paul
Paul McCartney is going out on tour this year. I think the name of the 62 year-old Beatle’s tour is dubbed the “Where Are My Reading Glasses?” tour.

62-year-old Paul McCartney is going out on tour this year. Some of the lyrics have changed because he is older. Now McCartney sings;

“Yesterday, I had to scream at punks to go away, ‘cause my lawn is not where they should play.”

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now I need a change of my Depends today”

You can tell McCartney is getting older, now when he hears a Beatles song he grouses; “That noise will never catch on.”

Trump in the news? I’m shocked
Donald Trump said that the Norwegian Line ship slammed by a 70-foot wave during a storm was slated to be on an episode of his hit show "The Apprentice." That ship was lucky, it could have been worse; instead of a 70 ft wave, it could have been hit by a visit from Omarosa.

To aid in repair of the ship, Trump generously offered the services of the guy who welds together his comb-over.

Kind of sort of
A survey revealed 19% of people answer their cell phones during sex. Sort of brings new meaning to the cell phone accessory: the headset.

Ice for Rover
Paris Hilton is launching a line of jewelry for dogs. Upon hearing this, many dogs replied; “Listen, forget the jewelry, just give me back my family jewels and I’ll be happy.”

Wow, jewelry for dogs, what an interesting idea; who would have ever thought that Paris Hilton could think outside the box?

(And I was doing so well until this next crappy joke)

You’ve heard of the street term for jewelry bling bling? Now with dog jewelry we got bark spark.

Watch for the telltale signs
At a Kansas City book signing, a Vietam Veteran spit tobacco juice in Jane Fonda's face. She should have suspected there would be a problem when they guy asked her to sign his book to;

"Guy who got shot at by the same Vietcong machine gun nest in which you sat and laughed."

Tuesday, April 19, 2005



We got us the funk rubbed up on us in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good, no
According to witnesses, the testimony of the mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser isn’t going well; the more she talks the worse she sounds. In fact, if she damages their case any more, the prosecution is going to hire Robert Blake to shoot her.

Pope smoke
The way it worked at the Vatican is when they emitted black smoke they hadn’t picked a Pope; but when they emitted white smoke, they’d picked a Pope. But if they had emitted purple lavender-scented smoke, then that means they picked Ryan Seacrest as Pope.

And if the smoke had come out black and then slowly turned white, then that means that they had picked Michael Jackson as Pope.

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. He has taken the name Benedict XVI, or as President Bush now calls him, ol’ Benny the Ex Vee Eye.

When informed of Benedict XVI, President Bush said, “What kind of last name is Zah-vee-eye?”

When asked to comment about Benedict XVI, President Bush said; “Well, I just hope he is more loyal than his ancestor, Benedict Arnold.”

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. Wow, that’s impressive, from playing Cliff Claven on “Cheers” to being Pope. That’s quite an improvement.

The Vatican couldn’t seem to pick a Pope. Either that or they desperately needed to get someone to clean their chimney.

We knew that the Vatican had picked a Pope when the smoke went from black to white. It’s the same system Tito Jackson uses on when to change the oil in his ’68 Volkswagon van.

I have to get this, then I'll get that
A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. What guys hate is when a woman answers her e-mails and sends a fax during sex.

A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. That number, however, goes way down for women if their phone is set on vibrate. They’ll let it ring.

It ain't "Sesame Street"
Have you heard of “The Puppetry of the Penis?” Two Australian guys tour sold out shows making images by manipulating their genitals. Here’s my question: How bored do you have to be to come up with penis puppets? Buy a Yo Yo for heavens sake. Do the crossword puzzle.

Really, these guys make puppets out of their genitals. This is not a good first date, guys. “Wow, how about that guy who made the elephant, wasn’t that something?”

It a good thing . . . she's on radio
Martha Stewart has a deal with Sirius satellite radio. Martha will discuss cooking tips, gardening secrets, decorating ideas and how she shiv’d that bitch that squealed to the guards about her stash.

Radio might be a better way to go then television for Martha. This way she can’t scare people off with her prison dragon neck tattoo.

Since you asked:

Our youngest dog, Wrigley, thinks he can talk.

No, I’m not one of those whackos who really thinks their dog talks, I’m saying Wrigley thinks he can talk. He makes these hilarious sounds when he is excited or frustrated that I am convinced he thinks imitates us talking. It’s like when a little kid says; “Wang ching whah chew hoy” and they think they are really talking in Chinese. Wrigley sounds more like “The Jetsons” Astro except without the correct pronunciation.

Harmless Guilty Pleasure:
In addition to Amy Sedaris, I have a new harmless guilty pleasure: Sarah Vowell. She is a writer who speaks on public radio’s “This American Life” and is also the teenage girl voice, Violet, in the Disney cartoon “The Incredibles.” Very funny woman. Witty. Self deprecating. Smart. Her voice sounds like a six-year-old book worm.

Sarah is currently touring the talk shows promoting her book “The Assassination Vacation.” I am getting that on CD for my upcoming Santa Barbara drive. If my wheel doesn’t almost come off, like last time, it should be a nice drive.

Sarah and Conan O’Brien are hilarious together because they share the same interests. He is the voice of Todd Lincoln on her book’s CD. O’Brien asks her to explain how she connects the President Garfield assassination to Fox’s show “The O.C.” She says “Well, I think it is self-explanatory, but. . .”And then she does it.

With Letterman she described the President Garfield assassin as such a loser he was the only guy living in a free sex commune who couldn’t get laid.

Wouldn’t that suck to be shot by a huge loser? It would be bad enough to be shot by a cool guy. At least Lincoln got shot by an actor the Laaaadies loved.

Like I’ve Said Before
As I have mentioned, this blog is sort of like picking your nose in your car: you tend to forget other people can see it.

Called my buddy yesterday, his nice, sweet, little pre-teenage daughter – and regular a.L.b.B reader - answered and said;

“Hello, D*ckhead.”

Not to change topics, but . . .
You know what I would love? To be so successful at something I could be a grump all the time, like Russell Crowe. Just read where Russell Crowe broke up with his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, through the newspaper. He has played with these guys for 12 years, toured the world and, like that, breaks up with them in a newspaper article. Asked if they were surprised, his band mates said, no, it was typical for him.

I send ten apology e-mails when I can’t make a band’s rehearsal.

It probably wouldn’t be the best career move to be a really grumpy comedy writer, but it would be fun all the same. That’s what I love the most about not working in an office all the time. I don’t have to give a cheerful hello to someone I don’t particularly like ten times a day every time I pass them in the hall.

You wouldn’t believe the work I used to put into saying hello differently. Hi. How’s she goin’? Howdy. How are you? What’s up? Hey. Hey there. What’s happening? Yo.

Sometimes I even made that gitty-up clicky-click noise along with a pistol- finger-point and it doesn’t get any more annoying then that.

You know, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. Oh my.

(Polite applause)

My favorite annoying office hello? There you are. What the hell does that mean? There you are? Of course they’re there. Where else would they be? If they weren’t you wouldn’t be able to talk to them.

Seriously, I’m going to have to start charging for this stuff.

Monday, April 18, 2005

This just in:
Black smoke is coming out of the Vatican meaning the Cardinals have not picked a new Pope yet, when white smoke comes out they’ve picked a Pope. So, apparently, Willy Nelson has picked a Pope.

Keepin’ the deal all real wit da schpeal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s just mean
The world’s only know combination Whale and Dolphin –or Wholphin - gave birth to a calf. Congratulations to the little Wholphin baby calf, I think they named her Kirstie.

Are you glad tax time is over? Man, I had to pay a ton of money. Of course, a lot of that went to bribing Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay.

You have to pay, taxes because the money goes to running the government. Well, running the government and paying off Republican Majority leader Tom DeLay’s relatives.

Baseball shocker
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is extremely upset with his team. In other equally shocking baseball news: a fan put mustard on a hot dog.

Collaboration by Janice Hough and her fire-ball throwing pitcher son with a little help from me
Did you see that Domino's has introduced a Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza? How fat and lazy are we getting when we have to pile all of our junk food on top of each other? “Yeah, and can I get some Cheetos, Pork Rinds and Snickers bars on that Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza?”

They put the ache in Lakers
The wheels of the Los Angeles Lakers have come off. It looks as if they aren’t even trying anymore. It is so bad, the Lakers are starting to embarrass the L.A. Clippers.

The Lakers are playing so bad it has put Kobe Bryant off of his room service food.

Nice name
Baseball’s new Washington National’s unveiled their mascot, a baby eagle named Screech. Screech? Apparently the annoying sitcom character names Urkel and Horshack were already taken.

How . . . slow . . . was . . . she?
Steroid beleaguered sprinter Marion Jones finished dead last in the Mt. Sac 400 meters. How slow was Jones? She was passed in the third turn by the Dominoes delivery guy hurrying to get a pizza to the shot putters.

That’s what you get
President Bush’s approval rating is the lowest ever at around 46% primarily because of the war in Iraq. See, that proves you just can’t go dive into someplace without enough information or without adequate protection, I mean that’s how Kevin Federline got Britney Spears pregnant.

Since you asked:
All of my friends, when we talk on the phone or get together, each mentally descend to about the age of 14. We love to verbally abuse each other just for the fun of it. If you heard our phone conversations you’d think we were all named “D*ckhead.” (To wit the usual response is; “Hey, hey, hey, that would be Mister D*ckhead to you, Pal.” We think we are very funny)

One time I called a friend at his office, and I, distracted for some reason, forgot to abuse him, and just said, almost like a normal human being; “Hello Frank.” He heard my voice and then, naturally, laid into me; “Ahh go “f&*k” yourself, d*ckhead.” The “mess with your buddy” light bulb went off and I immediately hung up on him.

Sure enough, a minute later, he called back with disappointment in his voice:

“Why’d you just hang up on me?”

“What are you talking about?” I lied, “I didn’t call you.”

“Yeah you did, you said “Hello Frank” I gave you hard time, like usual, and then you hung up on me. Why did you hang up on me?”

Trying as hard as I could not to laugh I said;

“Nah, sorry, Pal, that wasn’t me.”

“Really?” There was a long pause and then he said, “Uh oh,” with much concern in his voice.

“What’s the matter, Frank?” I said, biting my lip. Frank cleared his voice, and in a very somber tone said;

“Well, apparently I’ve been quite rude to one of my clients.”

Saw a right cute movie
Have you seen “Spanglish”? Gotta admit, kinda impressed with Adam Sandler’s range. Oh, and Tea Leoni? If you thought her character was over the top – and I could see how you would, I mean, who could be that much of a psycho beeyatch?- take her up three notches in psycho hyper energy, make her talk even faster and, although they don’t look anything the same, she is exactly like this women I know. Scary isn’t even close to describing her.

Many times I have begged my talented comedy and award winning editorial cartoon drawing friend, Steve Kelley, to draw a luxury SUV speeding off of the ground with a early 40’ish platinum blonde soccer Mom on her cell phone with a caption saying;

“Carol, this is Margot, I’m so late for our Zen Meditation class I think I ran someone over.”

Tea’s character also reminded me of this other nightmare woman I used to know in that she also combined an almost impossible-to-do-and-wildly-annoying mind-boggling narcissism, vanity, snootiness and naked and shallow greediness almost impossibly with crippling insecurity and paranoia.

This woman was able to live in constant and total agony in the utter belief that she was being harshly judged and criticized by everyone on the planet yet at the same time she held everyone - besides herself and a few of her b-list pseudo celebrity de jour friends - in utter contempt.

How someone can balance all of that at the same time is beyond the ability of teams of psychiatrist to explain. Why on earth would you care if people are judging you when you think everybody else is essentially worthless?

She was a lot of fun to be around. I miss her. Like I miss bad skin and braces from junior high. If you're thinking, Lex, what if she reads this, won't she get mad? Don't worry, she thinks everything she reads is about her anyway.

That’s how we play, “Don’t get on Alex’s bad side today,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

O’Snake, don’t start. It’s good to vent.

My Pope status update:

OK, who is this clown they claim is the Pope front runner, Joseph Ratzinger? Just because the guy starred as Cliff Claven in "Cheers" in the Eighties, I don't think that makes him anymore qualified to be Pope than a baptised-as-but-now-a-fallen Methodist obscure comedy writer.

I must be candid, I'm not feeling the love from the Vatican at this point.