Saturday, March 19, 2005

Saturday morning caffeine-fueled rant:
March Madness is not being kind to me. So far one of my sweet sixteen (‘Bama) and two of my elite eights are gone (Kansas, Syracuse) UCLA sucked and generally I am deader in the pool than William Shatner’s wife. (Oh, that is so wrong . . .)

I’d like to introduce a new feature to a.L.B.b that we like to call:

You know you’re a parent when:

You know you’re a parent when you yell at the top of your lungs; “Lower your voice, young lady.”

Speaking of being a parent, we had our parent-teacher conference. Since Ann Caroline is in first grade, I can see the need for a parent teacher conference. Especially now, they are teaching at such a higher level than we were taught.

At one point the teacher said “Ann Caroline is doing really with her antonyms.” Are you kidding me? When I was in first grade it was; “Alex isn’t eating nearly as many pencil erasers as he used to.”

But when we had a parent-teacher conference in kindergarten, it was a bit much. In kindergarten all you want to know are two things: does my kid eat paste? Is my kid the stinky kid?

Again, not to brag, but Ann Caroline got such a glowing review by her first grade teacher, I could veritably hear my dearly departed parents saying; “This is B.S. He should have to go through what we went through.”

Survived the Lex’s pet peeve trifecta-plus-one last night. The Soup Plantation had better food than I remembered and worse behaved kids then I expected. Folks, if your kid is screaming, take them outside. Got it?

Dancing with A.C. was fun. We did the obligatory her-feet-on-my-feet as well as the Y.M.C.A. and the “Animal House” “Shout” including getting down on the floor.

The fundraising shakedown wasn’t too bad and I only thought blood was going to come out of my ears a couple of times due to thirty little girls screaming at once. The room was hot and stuffy but I didn’t have to wear a suit or tie so I survived. Came home to a glass of vino and TiVo’d NCAA – and besides watching Kansas hose me like a
Paris Hilton blind date– it was a truly pleasant evening.

Before she went to bed, Ann Caroline came down with her teeth brushed and in her puppy P.J.’s with a well-written “Thank you” note for taking her to the dance.

OK, whose kid is this, again?

Friday, March 18, 2005

We got our weekend up and going off in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Erin go blagh
Yesterday, St. Patrick’s Day, is the day everything turns green. Today is the day the people who celebrated St. Patrick’s Day turn green.

How thoughtful
Michael Jackson’s former housekeeper testified that drunk boys slept over at the Neverland Ranch. In fairness, maybe Michael was being considerate? He didn’t want those kids riding their tricycles home while intoxicated.

Two time liar
Rafael Palmeiro denied using steroids to congress. Palmeiro, however, does commercials for Viagra but publicly denies that he takes Viagra. So why would we believe a guy we already know lies about using a performance enhancing drug?

Should be a law
Two women have called San Quentin prison to propose marriage to Scott Peterson. In a fair world, any women that call to marry Scott Peterson should be legally required to be given O.J. Simpson’s phone number.

How stupid do you have to be to want to marry Scott Peterson? That’s like walking into an airplane bathroom right after Michael Moore. It’s suicide.

Now, Lex, was that nice?
Legal efforts to stop the feeding of brain-damaged Terri Schiavo failed yesterday. Here’s my question: why isn’t anyone trying to stop the feeding of Ruben Stoddard and Kirstie Alley?

It explains so much, like the mustache, for example. And those black shiny leather boots
Cinemax is producing a documentary that claims Adolf Hitler was gay. They might be right. You know why the Nazi army marched in goose step? Because Hitler was goosing them.

How can they prove Hitler was gay? Two words: That mustache.

Why do we call Adolf Hitler by his firsts and last name? If Madonna, Sinbad and Jared from
Subway Sandwich shops can be identified by just their first name, I think Hitler can.

Cinemax is producing a documentary that claims Adolf Hitler was gay. And there’s a book that claims Abraham Lincoln was gay. Personally, I’ve also suspected that George Washington was a transvestite. Why else would a guy wear a Barbara Bush wig?

Who wrote this sick, sick, joke? I want somebody’s butt in my briefcase
Some legal analysts suggest the Michael Jackson trial is getting away from the prosecution and the trial could end like a Neverland slumber party: Michael will get off.

Since you asked:
As you know if you’ve read this pathetic blog, I have my share of pet peeves. We all do, right? Four stick out in my mind today. A, I don’t like the Soup Plantation, B, I don’t like to go dancing, C, and I am not a fan of children’s parties and D, I don’t like fundraisers.

Now, my daughter and wife love the Soup Plantation and that’s fine with me. I’m not saying it’s bad or that people shouldn’t go to the Soup Plantation, I just find them depressing: people desperately and greedily stuffing themselves - and their unruly kids - to try and get their money’s worth of soup and salad at a glorified trough is not my idea of fine, or fun, dining.

Why don’t I like dancing? Because I suck at it, that’s why. Besides golf, I don’t like to do things I suck at. Dancing is a wonderful thing and I admire people who can do it, I just can’t. The same goes for rock climbing and skydiving. You like it? More power to you, I don’t like sky diving or rock climbing because, being nervous about heights, I would suck at them as well. At least with dancing, when you suck at it, you don’t hurtle to your death. Usually.

I don’t like kid’s parties. (The ones hosted at a kid's gym are OK) Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. Well, the good ones, anyway. Kids parties are always chaotic, loud and always too dramatic. And there is no wine. If you’re a friend of mine and you are hosting a kid’s party the nicest thing you can do for me is not invite me. Kids don’t like too many adults at their party so I am happy to oblige. Do I think kids should not be allowed to have parties? No. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Although I have M.C.’d my share, I don’t like fundraisers. Generally, most fundraisers are thinly veiled shakedowns, I don’t care how good the cause is. You want money? Ask for money. Don’t make me feel like a cheapskate because I don’t want to bid on the chance to stay at an annoying bed and breakfast. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t like going into the hall bathroom the next morning right after the winner of the Michael Moore look-alike contest comes out carrying the sports section. A lit match can only do so much.

So what are my plans tonight, you ask? I’m taking my daughter to dinner at the Soup Plantation and then we are going dancing at a giant kid party Daddy Daughter fundraiser dance. At least we’re not staying at a bed and breakfast.

But Ann Caroline is so excited (She has a new party dress and everything) I’m not even going to complain. (Oops, too late, huh?) Who knows? Maybe the deejay will play something from Hoobastank?

As the road manager for the Eagles, the great Tommy Nixon, once said:

“Life is just one $&#*ing thing after another.”

Thursday, March 17, 2005

This just in:

Wearin' out of the green
St. Patrick’s Day is a fun day in New York City. Everything turns green. The clothes turn green, the beer turns green, the vomit on the subway platform turns green.

I love the way, on St. Patrick’s day, how the New York cabbies get in the spirit and wear their green turbans.

We got our green on up in this shalizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

By any other name
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. It is a good excuse to drink a lot and kiss strangers. Or as Tara Reid calls that: Thursday.

What a changeDid you hear what happened when members of the Boston Red Sox got a make-over on “Queer-Eye For the Straight Guy”? They turned into the New York Mets.

Do you know what would happen if Mike Piazza got a queer-makeover? He’d turn into Mike Piazza.

Getting queer makeovers can be tricky for pro athletes. Bobby Hull Jr. got a queer makeover and now he wants to be a figure skater.

Gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps got a queer makeover and now he wants to do synchronized swimming.

You Baretta believe he got away with murder
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Asked to comment about his acquittal, Robert Blake said; “O.J. was right, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.”

After his acquittal, Robert Blake said he had to go back to work. So this verdict was a blow for not only the Bonnie Blakely family but the entire Hollywood community in general.

Robert Blake said; “If you want to know how to go through $10 million in five years call me.” Upon hearing that, Michael Jackson called Blake and asked; “So how did you spend so little?”

The horror
Jurors were shown Michael Jackson’s DVD and magazine porno collection in court. Or as that is otherwise known: every guy’s worst nightmare.

Just one of the guys, a really freaky guy, but just one of the guys
The defense team in the Michael Jackson trial is desperately trying portray their client as a regular guy who drinks and watches girlie porn. Man, Bill O’Reilly would be their dream client.

Who knew?A study reveals that obesity can shorten your life. That means Ruben Stoddard actually died five years ago.

Not a smart man
Jose Conseco is testifying before Congress, but Jose is not the sharpest tool in the shed. When asked if he was worried about incriminating himself, Conseco said, “No, I went to the bathroom before hand.”

Their only chance
Financially troubled Toys R Us was sold to a group of investors. To show how bad it is, Toys R Us probably won’t be solvent again unless Michael Jackson is acquitted and has a few more hit singles.

Not fair to pick on the new guys
Congress has proposed a national steroid law. Upon hearing this, the new Washington Nationals baseball team asked; “What about all those other guys? Why pick on us?”

Since you asked:

This St. Patty’s Day morning I put on my one and only green shirt, a green polo-type golf shirt. My daughter, Ann Caroline, looks at me with pity in her eyes and says, “Daddy, that’s not green. That’s turquoise.”

She’s six. I didn’t know what turquoise was until, oh, this morning.

And what is the quaint Irish expression? Oh yeah, Éireann go Hoobastank.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

This just in:
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Even O.J. Simpson is pissed off at this verdict.

Do you realize what this means? Given the record of California jury murder verdicts, like this and O.J. Simpson, that must mean that Scott Peterson is innocent.

Today, Michael Jackson asked if he could get the Robert Blake jury for his trial.

The moral of the Robert Blake and the O.J. Simpson murder acquittals? If you want to get away with murder in California, you have to first be a really, really bad actor. Hell, Pauly Shore could probably kill his entire apartment complex and get away with it.

We gonna bring it ‘till we sting it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get down to it
A House Panel is preparing for their baseball hearings. They want to find out how prevalent and dangerous steroids are and, last, but not least, why commissioner Bud Selig has his hair cut like the unholy result of a union between Bill Gates and Moe of “The Three Stooges.”

Congress is preparing for their baseball hearings. Finally, we are going to settle this question once and for all: who has worse hair, Bud Selig or Senator Joe Biden?

On second thought . . .
John Kerry and his former running mate John Edwards have been trading barbs over who is responsible for the election loss. Edwards said Kerry wavered too much. Kerry denies that he wavered. Well, OK, sometimes he may have wavered. On second thought, no he didn’t waiver.

Might be that other thing
The NCAA tournament begins Thursday. I’m so excited, I’ve got Gonzaga in the Semi’s. But that could be the Viagra talking.

Now that’s bad
Mercer Human Resource Consulting determined Baghdad as the most unsafe place to live. It has to be bad, it’s even worse than the Neverland Ranch.

It’s true, Baghdad has bombs, terrorists, no electrical or water services. On the bright side, it doesn’t have Michael Jackson.

Is this the same New York?
Crime in New York City is at an all time low. Crime is so low that the New York cops are offering tourists free chalk body outlines just to stay in practice.

Off off Broadway
Osama bin Laden’s niece is trying to be an entertainer in New York. Today she is going to try out of the Broadway musical, “Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Boom.”

Binging and unhinging
A report indicates that binge drinking is up especially with young people. And that’s not just at the Neverland Ranch, either.

Fitting right in
Martha Stewart is starting to adjust to life after prison. Just today she discovered that, when it comes to kicking incompetent household staff members in the butt, her ankle monitor bracelet is real handy.

Lighten up, Sean
There was an odd moment at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. After Bruce Springsteen’s induction speech for U2, Sean Penn said he objected that Springsteen didn’t mention Jude Law.

Some embarrassing information about when Michael Jackson saw a doctor about his back last week. When the doctor asked what position felt the most comfortable for is back, Jackson said; “Bent over . . . somebody else.”

Since you asked:

Pet peeve update.

I’m starting to lose track. Long-slow-diagonal-parking-lot-walkers, fire-zone-lane-parkers, lane-change-no-signalers, captive-audience-cell-phone-yammerers, taking-forever-to-leave-a-parking-spotters, same-time-phone-talkers, hello-non-responders, beautiful Carmel Valley has them all in abundance. And now we can add one more.

Wait-until-after-the-grocery-items-have-been-totaled-to-slowly-bring-out-the-checkbook-then-balance-it-and-slowly-write-the-checkers. Granted, these are always older women, but they are a menace.

And why do the grocery clerks allow the way-much-more-than-ten-items-in-the-ten-items-or-less-lane to be rung up? Boot their ass out of line. I’ll gladly wait.

Oh why, Slats and Nuggies, is it always up to me to figure these things out?

Louisville, North Carolina, Illinois and Syracuse in the final four. Connecticut can go out early and watch an insurance seminar for all I care. And look for UCLA to upset the dark prince,
Bobby Knight.

Saw my first “American Idol” Got to admit, it was pretty good. And I desperately wanted to hate Simon Cowell, but guess what? The guy is right. Paula Abdul is not doing anyone any favors by couching her remarks to save their feelings. Better they find out now why they need work.

At this point in the show no singer is really horrible. I physically cannot stand to watch somebody who obviously thinks they are good really suck. Anyone who has had the pain of really sucking in public, like I have with both stand up comedy and the harmonica, should feel likewise.

But I'm very sensitive like that.

And, no, you cannot make me say it, I refuse. Ah, no, no, no, OK, OK, I give, I give:

Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank!

Cooking tips:

Had some leftover steak and made a sandwich with toast, mayo, sliced tomatoes, melted cheese and onions. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm. But here is the most important part of making a sandwich, or sandguido, as I like to call them: the smoosh. (The smoosh? You've lost it for good. I let that whole Hoobastank nonesense go, but you've lost it)

No, the smoosh is the easiest and most important part of making a sandguido. The English take it to extremes and fasten bricks on their huge sandwiches to give them that extra smoosh. (Yeah, and their best dish comes in a dirty newspaper) Good point.

But no, the good hard smoosh compacts it, makes for neater eating, and blends all the ingredients together.

Remember, next sandwich, or sandguido, give her a big -ol smoosh. You'll be glad you did.

(Polite applause)

Damn, I'm gonna have to start charging for this stuff pretty soon . . .

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

We got tee tee, very little, as in the opposite of beau coup, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No Jack Jacko II
Michael Jackson may be in serious financial trouble. We will know when Michael is broke when his attorney changes Michael’s plea from innocent to “This freak is as guilty as hell, your Honor.”

Bad, but not as bad
On an online interview Martha Stewart says her electronic monitoring bracelet chafes her. But she then added it was better than when she used to get chafed by her cellmate.

Tell it to them
Greek researchers say living in the mountains is good for your health. Try telling that to the family of Sonny Bono.

Who, Yes, and U2 on First
Blues legend Buddy Guy and U2 were inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame. Can you imagine if U2 had been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at the time as the Who and Yes? It would be the ultimate "Who’s on first?" routine for my out-of-it Uncle Dewie.

UD: “Who’s in the hall of fame?”

Lex: “Yes.”

UD: “I’m asking.”

Lex: “U2”

UD: “Me also? Why me?"

Lex: “No, not you, Yes, U2.”

UD: “Me and who?”

Lex: “Yes, Who, but not you, U2.”

UD: “Not me, I don’t sing, so who?”

Lex: “No, Who, Yes, and also U2.”

UD: “I don't know, and why me and who?”

Lex: “Yes and Who.”

UD: “Again, I’m asking.”

Lex: “Yes.”

UD: “Who?”

Lex: “Right, but U2 and Yes but not you.”

UD: "Me too but not me, yes?"

It could go on all night.

And did you notice I went the whole blog entry without saying the word Hoobastank? Darn it! Shoot. Oh well.

Monday, March 14, 2005

It’s about sharin’ the love up in this Beeeyaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Eli’s coming
Eli Lily has an ad campaign for a prescription drug for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. You know what you call a dyslexic male with ADD? DAD.

Hate to see that
Brothels in Nevada are under government regulation. The customers say the service has gone down since the Feds started regulating them. For example, now instead of 69 you can only get about 61.5.

Poor guy
Insiders say Michael Jackson is depressed over his molestation trial. In fact, he is so down, now they are calling Michael: Mick-Al. No Eeeheee.

Why so long?
Federal Regulators ruled there was nothing indecent about a “Monday Night Football” segment that featured actress Nicolette Sheridan wearing only a towel then dropping the towel. The Regulators were clear and concise with their verdict, yet, for some reason, it took them many, many hours of reviewing the clip to come to their decision.

It was an odd verdict. The regulators ruled that ABC was not liable as long as they never, ever, feature a towel dropping segment with John Madden.

That’s better
There are mental health groups that protest the NCAA basketball tournament’s nickname of March Madness. They prefer the term March Madness only be used where it belongs: the Michael Jackson trial.

Coming soon
Kirstie Alley’s “Fat Actress” debuted on Showcase. The reviews have been good. If this works than look for a spin off of "Fat Actress": “Stupid Actor” starring Pauly Shore.

One smart judge
A judge ruled that California can no longer justify limiting marriage to a man and a woman which would allow same-sex couples to wed. When asked to explain the reason for his ruling, the judge said; “Rosie O’Donnell scares the crap out of me and I didn’t want to make her mad.”

Since you asked:
It’s official, I am turning into a grump.

Take today, for example. When I pick up Ann Caroline at school, there was this late fortiesh kind of frumpy woman walking ahead of us who was loudly shuffling her scandals on the sidewalk. Annoying? Yes. Lazy? Sure. Slovenly? Of course. But if she wants to be annoying, dumpy, slovenly and lazy that’s her right, right?

It took everything I had to keep from screaming; “Pick up your goddamn feet, you vile pain-in-my-groin.”

Did I mention I am in a bad mood today? And I'm not sure why. Had a good weekend. Lovely dinner last night on a beautiful night. Just grumpy as an extra big Rottweiler wearing an extra small poodle's drawers. (Poodle's Drawers is my new band)

But saying drawers made me feel better. Heh, heh. Try it. Drawers. Hah, ahahah.

Nope, still grumpy. Oh well. A work out and a couple vinos later on will do the trick. Always remember the sage toast by Judge Schmales in "Caddy Shack."

"It's easy to grin when your ship has come in and you've got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

Speaking of band names, how do you suppose the boys arrived at Hoobastank? Would have loved to sat in on that brain storm session.

"How about Fubarsmelt?"





"Not even."


"Not quite."

"I got it. Hoobastank."


Did you hear about "The Dave Mathews band" bus dumping its Hoobastank on a Chicago tour boat? Worst example of Chicagoans getting dumped by raw sewage since the Cubs last eight games of the 2004 season.