Friday, May 06, 2005

It’s a “talk to the hand” kind of thang all up on it in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hooker U (Inspired by KGB Dave Rickerts of the top San Diego morning show “Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw)

In San Francisco there is a school for prostitutes called "Whore College". They teach women -and men - how to be good hookers. In fact, it’s the only school where, if you do well, you can graduate Magna Cum Loudly.

You kind of are forced to wonder what a college for prostitutes uses for their team mascot? They could go with a bird theme and call themselves the Swallows.

After all, Oregon State already used the name . . . nope, even I can't go that low.

Things are different at Whore College. It takes on an entirely differant meaning when they have to cram for finals.

What happens when you flunk out of Whore College? You make the best of it and get a job running for public office.

"No, seriously, officer, I was just trying to help her study for midterms."

Keep on going
Tony Blair – and his labor party – won the election in Britain. Upon hearing this, President Bush said he was glad Blair won the election in Britain and hopes Blair can go on to win in England as well.

Not good
Did you have a good Cinco De Mayo? I may have overdone it. I had a few margaritas and ended up at the Albuquerque bus station with a striped towel on my head.

That's right, yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. So that makes today, if you over-did the Margaritas, like I did, Puke in De Sink-O de Mayo.

That would solve that
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks girlfriends said she ran off because she is nervous about being a virgin. If that’s the case than she should just go out with Tom Cruise.

Yelling and screaming all over town, kinda like Paris herself
There was reported cheering and yelling of “That’s hot” in the movie theaters when Paris Hilton’s character in “House of Wax” gets brutally murdered. And not just from Nicole Richey.

Apparently the cheering was wide spread. And if there is anything Paris knows about, it’s wide spread.

He’s done this before
A 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Colin Farrell hit on her. This isn’t the first time Farrell has hit on a 70-year-old woman. His vibrating bed is hooked up to a clapper.

Proof positive
The highest paid team by far, the New York Yankees, are in a tie for last place in their division. The Yankees are proof that there is no connection between doing well and being well paid. Make that the Yankees, congress and the cast of “Joey.”

Besides that
The Kentucky Derby has been billed as the most exciting two minutes in sports that doesn’t involve Kobe Bryant and room service.

My Old Kentucky Home
Although Bellamy Road is the odds on favorite, you can still get pretty good odds that Steinbrenner’s horse finishes behind the Boston Red Sox.

The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Last year’s Kentucky Derby winner, Smarty Jones, is scheduled for 110 breeding “dates” this year. That’s five more than Paris Hilton.

Smarty has had 80 breeding “dates” this year. Five more dates and they will have to change Smarty’s name to Colin Farrell.

And finally, back to the sick Irish guy and the old broad
A 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Colin Farrell hit on her on their movie set. Atkins and Farrell will appear in the upcoming film “Ask the Dust.” Or, as the cast is calling “Ask the Dust” behind Farrell’s back: “Lust for Dust.”

Since you asked:
The favorite horse in my (Yes, I was born in Louisville so that automatically makes me an expert in horse racing) Kentucky Derby, Bellamy Road, is owned by New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner. Many horse experts think the odds on Bellamy Road at 5-2 are higher –and may go higher still- than they should be for this overwhelming favorite because so many people don’t like Steinbrenner and won’t bet on Bellamy as a result.

Hmm, I might just place a bet on Bellamy Road just as soon as I spread the rumor that Steinbrenner’s silent partner is Osama bin Laden.

If you’ve read or seen anything about the big stripper-gate trial here in San Diego (City officials accused of taking bribes from strip club owners over dropping the “no touch” rule) it was probably written by the wildly talented and award-winning San Diego Union Tribune feature journalist, Kelly Thornton.

Kelly Thornton just also happens to be the, as I call her, smoking hot babe with the great pipes lead singer for the band I play harmonica with, The Mitigators. Oh yeah, every guy in the band is in serious crush with Kelly.

However, deep down, we all know that the talented and beautiful Miss Kelly really has a thing for the big, goofy, albeit oddly-sexy-in-a-brutish-ruggedly-handsome-kind-of-way smart-ass harp player. (And no, I don’t mean that big wooden plucky-thingy, harp is a nickname for harmonica, as you probably know)

What color is the sky in my world? Today it is a beautiful lime green with pretty, pretty polka-dot clouds, thanks for asking.

Derby Update:

As tomorrow is the holiest of holies for us native Louisvilleans, I must now share my recipe for the perfect mint julep.

The morning of the Derby, at dawn, go down to the lush banks of the Ohio river and pluck fresh mint that is still moist from the morning dew as you are serenaded by the sweet strains of the Whippoorwills. Crush ice blocks made of branch water using a burlap bag to obtain the perfect texture. Buy confectionary sugar from Louisville’s oldest and finest candy maker, Muth’s Candy Store on 630 East Market Street. (Stop by and say "howdy" to the kind folks down at Hillerich and Bradsby)

Now for the bourbon.

We don’t have enough time to discuss the merits of all the fine bourbons from Kentucky, but pick your favorite and make sure it is a damn smooth one at that.

Take your freshly picked mint, your finest confectionary sugar from Muth’s, and your carefully-crushed-in-a burlap-bag branch water ice and put it all together in one place. Got it? Good.

Now throw all of that crap away and just drink the damn bourbon, you Nancy-boy.

No self-respecting Kentuckian would drink something as silly as a mint julep, no such ways, no how.

Yeah hear?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is the holiday where Mexico, I believe, celebrates the famous sinking of the French ship, Mayonnaise, hence, Cinco de Mayo.

Oh, yeah, they gonna get up on it now para la Sinko of De Mayonnaise, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We’ve seen this, haven’t we?
Movie goers have reportedly been cheering wildly when Paris Hilton’s character in “House of Wax” gets killed. I don’t know why, you’d think they’d be used to seeing Paris getting nailed.

Hola, Slatternas y Nuggetios
Happy Cinco De Mayo. If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for; “Who are all these Minutemen at the border?”

Actually, Cinco De Mayo in Spanish means; “Yankees Suck in May.”

Now he’s a fighter, not a lover
Bill Clinton announced he is going to fight obesity. Apparently Clinton has decided he’d rather fight obesity than date it.

Or Yanker
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. Paris makes so much money for doing absolutely nothing that today she was named an honorary New York Yankee.

Better known as
Scott Savol was kicked off “American Idol.” But don’t worry, Scott got a nice consolation prize, or as the “American Idol” consolation prize is otherwise known: Paula Abdul.

That explains it
The Government says it has lost $100 million dollars in Iraq. Apparently the U.S. - Iraqi finances are being run by Michael Jackson.

Why? Why so skeptical?
A poll reveals that most people think that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes romance is a publicity stunt. Now why would anyone think that? She’s an admitted virgin and he has denied being gay more than Mike Piazza and Ryan Seacrest combined. Seems like a normal couple to me.

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you hear about that guy who got a ticket on the freeway in Los Angeles? Apparently it’s illegal to use the body of your murdered shooting victim to drive in the car pool lane.

There have been twelve shootings on Southern California freeways. 405 isn’t just a freeway, it’s the millimeter of the bullets used on it.

Face of mass destruction
The not guilty verdict was tossed out in the trial of Abu Ghraib prison abuser guard Lynndie England. They say they didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? How about that mug on Lynndie England? That face is one mass weapon of destruction right there.

Either or
George Lucas has described the upcoming “Star Wars III” as a “Titanic” in space. That either means it’s either a romance/disaster movie or it features an annoying song by Celine Deon.

What is in that Guinness?
Colin Farrell is unbelievable. Apparently a 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Farrell hit on her. Colin claims Dame Atkins didn’t understand he meant a diet when he said he wanted get on Atkins.

This isn’t the first time Farrell has hit on a 70-year-old woman. In fact, Colin is the only single guy who has one of those super glide stair lift chairs installed in his bachelor pad.

This officially moves Colin Farrell ahead of Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien in the “Horniest Irishman in the world” contest.

Next year we’ll get 6/6/06
Did you know that today is 5/5/05? Today we have more fives than at a Michael Jackson sleep-over.

The shot not heard around the world
Michael Bolton is out on tour which has prompted comments of; “Oh, I can’t wait to see him in concert” from practically nobody.

Not getting any taller
The New England Patriots have signed 43-year-old diminutive quarterback Doug Flutie. You know, people shrink as they get older. They better hurry up and use Flutie before he resembles a helmet resting on top of a pair of cleats.

Since you asked:
OK, fine, so I wasn’t named Pope, and not one team in the NFL drafted me, and no, I am nowhere to be found in “People” magazine’s top fifty most beautiful issue. So what? As a comedy writer, I am huge, huge, I say, in Paducah and Saskatoon. Not to mention Boise.

What am I doing for Cinco de Mayo – which, if you don’t know, is Spanish for “The Mayo is in the sink”? Maggies, my Slats and Nuggies. Many Margaritas (right-thinking Mags are on the rocks, no salt) with my buddies Kevin “Juan” Perron and Bruce Miller at Cabos, a fairly feisty and festive local Mexican joint (pronounced: Jernt) Great pollo asada quesadillas is what I’m talkin’ about.

Come on bye and my buddy "Juan" Perron will buy you a Maggie.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Oh, now, we just getting our silly on is all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A change in the Bill
Former President Clinton will be leading a campaign to fight obesity. Fighting obesity represents a change for Clinton; when he was dating Monica Lewinski he was only wrestling with obesity.

Three exceptions
Cape May, NJ has dropped its 30 year-old-ban on Speedos for men. Now anyone can wear a Speedo at Cape May with the notable exceptions of the three men specifically: Rubin Stoddard, Michael Moore and Camilla Parker Bowles.

How are you supposed to top that?
The runaway Georgia bride, Jennifer Wilbank’s fiancé says he still wants to marry her. How can that work? This is a woman who has now seen the wonder and the glory that is the Albuquerque bus station. How is he going to keep her home?

Note to self: buy stock in Hershey
The newest spa treatment uses chocolate. Women get chocolate massages and bathe in chocolate. That just may work. Why, you should have seen how vibrant and healthy that finger tip looked when it came out of that guy’s chocolate custard in North Carolina. Why, it was glowing.

American Idle
A former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, wrote a book that claims he slept with judge Paula Abdul. And there was another “Idol” judge sexually implicated as well. Apparently Simon Cowell told Clark to go screw himself.

That will happen
In a recent interview, Jennifer Lopez says she wants to be the first female U.S. President. Although Lopez admits she is more physically qualified to be a Rear Admiral.

Well, except for him
Former child actor Gary Coleman is now doing commercials for CashCall, a company that says it will loan money to anyone. However, when Coleman asked for an advance on his pay check, CashCall laughed and said no freakin’ way.

My ol’ Kentucky home
Guess what newlywed couple is rumored to be attending this weekend’s Kentucky Derby? Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. Camilla won’t actually be attending, more like participating.

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has a horse running in the Kentucky Derby. Well, not running exactly. Like the Yankees, the horse will simply relieve itself on the track and then take a nap on a pile of George’s thousand dollar bills.

Steinbrenner’s horse is pretty fast. It’s a two-to-one favorite to beat Camilla Parker Bowles.

Same odds
Three Sacramento golfers passed a polygraph test after they all claimed to hit successive holes-in-one. The odds of that are 270 trillion to one. To put that in perspective, 270 trillion to one are the same odds that Pat O’Brien will ever have a three-way with Angelina Jolie and Heather Graham.

Sad but true
Rumor has it that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with fiancé Ben Affleck’s child. Experts predict the child’s birth will be heavily promoted but, sadly, the kid will bomb at the box office and then languish at video stores.

Worked like a charm
A New York state firefighter who was left brain-damaged and mute for 9 ½ years suddenly started talking and now he won’t shut up. It seems those blood transfusions from those chicks from “The View” paid off.

Exciting times ahead
Did you hear that Bill and Hillary Clinton will renew their wedding vows? Bill is very excited, he said it will be like he is cheating on Hillary all over again.

It adds up
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. In other words, Paris gets five bucks for every time she says; “That’s hot.”

Paris Hilton wants to drop the name Hilton because she doesn’t want to be known to her fans as simply a hotel heiress. It seems Paris would prefer to be known as the drunk, green-colored skank that we know from her sex video.

Let’s think about that for a second . . . oh, thank you, thank you, thank . . . you
In her “Vanity Fair” interview, Angelina Jolie said; “Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman's body. Skinny's not fine when the lights are low." Or as I call that; “What all men will be thinking about the next time they have a quiet moment.”

Speaking of someone, like Paris, who gets drunk and says hot a lot
The big Dr. Phil interview of Pat O’Brien is tonight. Finally, once and for all, we are going to find out which one these two guys has the ugliest porn-star mustache.

In addition Dr. Phil and Pat O’Brien are also finalists in the “Guy that OK’s checks at the Grocery Store” look-alike contest

And finally
In Serbia, a 67-year-old woman announced that she was expecting to have a child, but doctors say it turned out to be a fake pregnancy. The relieved husband could not comment as he was too busy furiously flushing his Viagra down the toilet.

Since you asked:
So there we are, Miss Thing and yours truly driving from the store when my alarm on my watch goes off at 5:20 pm. That’s the one set to alert me for the replay of “Chainsaw Sports” on 101.5 FM, KGB, one of the sports guys I write for. So I tell Ann Caroline,

“Hey, let’s listen and see if you can hear one of my jokes.” Ann Caroline said;

“I know what you can say that is funny. Hanna said it today in school and everybody laughed.”

“What?” I asked. In her little angel voice, just as pretty as you please, she said;


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

This just in:

In sad news, Ed Shantz, the inventor of Botox passed away at 96. It marks the first time, however, that a person’s face became more expressive after they died.
We roll on the down-low up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not clear on the concept
A medical study reveals that Transcendental Meditation can extend people’s lives. It was awkward, when asked if he practiced Transcendental Meditation, President Bush said;

“I don’t do transcendental, no, but I do use dental floss every day.”

Premature celebration
A dress worn by Judy Garland during the “Wizard of OZ” sold at a London auction for $252,000 dollars. Apparently Michael Jackson is celebrating his trial victory a wee early.

It is hard work writing this cr*p
Man, I am tired. I was up all night changing all of my Wendy’s chili jokes into frozen chocolate custard jokes.

Here we go again.
A North Carolina man who ordered a pint of frozen chocolate custard got a nasty surprise inside: a piece of severed finger lost by an employee in an accident. That’s amazing. This is the third case of finding a finger where it doesn’t belong. The first was the Wendy’s chili, the second was Martha Stewart’s last prison exam.

Video clip
Did you see how Michael Jackson showed up in court? He walked in escorted by police with a red, blue, white and yellow towel draped over his head.

Georgia out her mind
The fiancé of runaway Georgia bride Jennifer Wilbanks said they are going ahead with the wedding. The bride will wear a beautiful red, white, blue and yellow striped wedding dress to match her new veil.

You heard the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, is back. Poor girl, a wedding can be scary for a small town Georgia girl. For example, you don’t know which side of the church to seat the guests since everyone is related to each other.

The First Lady . . . of comedy (Oh, I kill me)
Sunday night at the White House correspondent’s dinner, first lady Laura Bush was a big hit with her jokes. She told so many jokes that it wasn’t until today she was finally able to explain them all to her husband.

The president isn't quite as good as his wife at telling jokes. The last one he told was;

“Why are the other numbers afraid of seven? Because seven, eight . . . shoot, what’s after eight again?”

Plan ahead
With the Michael Jackson trial winding down, legal experts say it doesn’t look good for the prosecution; rumor has it that Michael is already planning a victory dinner. If you want to go, make your reservations now at the Santa Barbara Chuckie Cheese.

Not a good idea (Assist by Mark Snake)
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are rumored to be getting married in Nice, France. Guess who leaked their top secret wedding plans? Ozzie Osbourne. Let that be a lesson to you: don’t share a secret with a guy who blurts out drug flashbacks.

They ain’t ones to hold on formality and such
An Oklahoma company, Rocketplane, says it is close to making space travel a reality for paying travelers. A lift off in Oklahoma is different, instead of “5,4,3,2,1,” in Oklahoma they shout;

“Fetch a beer, n’hold yur dawgs, y’all ain’t gonna believe this here. Neeeeee haaaaaw.”

Since you asked:
Welcome any and all old friends and new readers from that distinguished line of British rulers we here at the hard working staff at a.L.B.b. know as the C.J.K clan. Please remember that writing jokes is like baseball: hit .300 and you're headed to the Hall.

And I ain't headed to no stinkin' Hall.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Oh, yeah, we can take that, and then we give it right back with a little extry ‘tude thrown in, ahhh-ight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

On pins and needles
Two days after Katie Holmes publicists announced Katie was dating Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise’s publicists confirmed it. Oh, sweet relief. Finally we can all go back and try and continue with our lives.

It’s true Hollywood is high school with money. “Susie said that Ryan said that Megan said that Tom’s publicist said that Tom likes Katie.” Are they passing notes during class? Is Katie signing her name as Katie Cruise on her notebook fifty times, dotting the I in Cruise with a heart?

If you like Tom so much why don’t you like marry him, Katie, and have like a million of his babies why don’t you?

Running wild
The bride from Georgia, Jennifer Willbanks, who disappeared after jogging, has now shown up. She just got nervous while running and took off. See? That’s why I don’t jog. It makes you crazy. You'd never see Star Jones take off from her wedding.

It’s sort of the Trailer Park version of Julia Robert’s “The Runaway Bride.”

The bride got scared and took off running. Unlike the Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles wedding, there people got scared and took of running after looking at the bride.

Ewww, extra sausage . . .
A former pizza delivery guy, Tim Petrovich, won $990,000 Zurich classic. The good news is that he’s doing well on the PGA tour, the bad news is he will no longer have beautiful women in lingerie offering to pay him for the pizza with sex, as we all know from the porn movies. Uh, or so I’ve heard . . .

Let my people go
At the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, First Lady, Laura Bush, brought down the house with a hilarious monologue. That was good, Ms. Bush, but could we have our writers back please? The First Lady’s Bogart’ing our writers.

Don’t touch, don’t ask
There is a big trial in San Diego over city councilmen involved with strip club owners and the “no touch” rule. The “no touch” rule means it’s illegal for strip club customers to touch the girls anywhere. It’s the same rule Michael Jackson had written into his prenuptial agreement.

Michael Jackson’s ex-wife testified that Michael was a loving father of their children; for example, when Michael would play “I’ve got your nose” with them, they really got his nose.

Study the melted butter instead
A study claims that lobsters feel no pain when boiled. Another study reveals that nobody, outside of PETA whackos, cares if lobsters feel pain when boiled.

Hate that when that happens
A study reveals that obesity can cause dementia. When asked to comment, Kirstie Alley declined saying she didn’t have her protective tin foil hat so the aliens were controlling her thoughts.