Friday, June 21, 2013

I’m here to tells yah so’s ya knows down to your toes and don’t has to suppose, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had their baby girl and named it: North West; when asked why she named the child after a point on a compass, Kim said; “What’s a compass?”

A Florida man on a first date was beaten, robbed, stripped naked and abandoned in a field; the worst part? She hasn’t called, she hasn’t e-mailed, she hasn’t texted…

In Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lost the presidential election to Hassan Rowhani. Ahmadinejad plans to spend his time sulking in his La Jolla, CA. beach house.

The Superman movie, “Man of Steel” is #1. The movie features big improvements over the previous Superman. The best improvement? This new movie Superman doesn’t wear his red panty underwear on the outside of his tights held up with a bright yellow belt.

That TV Superman stood there with his fists on his hips as bullets bounced off his chest, but then, when they threw the gun at him, he ducked like an idiot.

In a deposition for a lawsuit against her, Southern butter chef, Paula Dean, admitted to using the N-word; Paula’s latest dish? A Taco Bell-inspired dish called a Burrito Supremacist.

Men’s Warehouse fired CEO and spokesperson the bearded George Zimmer. It was sad today when someone told George; “That’s great I am going to like the way I look and you guarantee it. But right now you have to fill out this unemployment form.”

McDonalds has a new late night breakfast menu called; “The After Midnight Menu” It is not just perfect for alcoholics, it is Lindsay Lohan tested and Mel Gibson approved.

Southern chef, Paula Dean, issued a heartfelt apology on a video for using the N-word; she didn't really help her case when she went on to thank all the Jew-boys and queers on "The Food Network.'

Random Lex Thoughts:

That hockey play-by-play guy, Doc Emrick, is amazing.

Underrated movie I saw recently? “Escape From Alcatraz.”

When I meet a really rich guy, it is all I can do to keep from asking how much cash they have on them right now.

When I was in Las Vegas, someone told me the Bellagio had a blackjack table with a $10,000 minimum bet. A mile away, I went to a convenience store to buy sunflower seeds and a Vitamin water. The Apu-like clerk threw a tantrum because I wanted him to break a $100 bill. How can both things exist so close to each other?

Had a dream last night that was so boring, I was afraid to fall back asleep. It was an anxiety dream about trying to get dressed for a wedding and I couldn’t find a decent tie. Must have tried on 50 weird ties. If the dream didn’t also feature my puppy Wally sniffing the Maid of Honor’s butt until she screamed, it would have been a total loss.

Do Chinese people go out for Caucasian food?

Water temp here in SD is a comfy 68; get your tuchuses in the wahdiddley-do water, Slats and Nugs. 

Lex’s Double Baked Grilled Potatoes

Bake a Yukon gold to not-quite-done. 400 degrees, 30 minutes, with a few minutes to start in microwave.

When cool, scoop out potato guts and put into bowl, and make the potato look like a canoe. Add butter, garlic, salt, milk and parmesan cheese to the potato guts and mash.

Using a fork, stuff the canoes with the mashed potato guts using the fork to mike nice long ridges. Sprinkle top with smoked paprika and Old Bay.

Place re-stuffed potatoes on indirect heat in a hot grill for 30 minutes.

When done, use a ketchup squeeze bottle to form the letters LEX on each potato. 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I’m about to change your life, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m not sure about all the updates on the new Superman movie “Man of Steel.” Like how Superman is still vulnerable to Kryptonite, but now he also has a serious peanut allergy.

There was some serious drama in the delivery room of Kim Kardashian when she had her and Kanye West’s baby; apparently a fight broke out between the Evian and Perrier reps over who got to sponsor Kim’s water breaking.

Iran elected more moderate and stable Hassan Rowhani over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; when Ahmadinejad found out he lost, he got so mad he fell off his booster seat.

Dunkin’ Donuts is redesigning their stores to allow their customers to sit down and eat; finally a way for those Dunkin’ Donuts customers to take a break from their incessant exercising.

The press keeps pushing the surveillance scandal, but people simply are not upset the NSA is tracking the Internet, e-mails and phone calls to hunt terrorists; now if the NSA interfered with information about Kim and Kanye’s new baby? Then we’d be pissed.

There was some serious drama in the delivery room of Kim Kardashian when she had Kanye West’s baby; when the baby was born, the doctor wanted to slap the mother instead.

The Taliban wants to begin negotiations with the US; now, I am no intelligence expert, but this may have to do with our new proctologist-operated drone missiles.

So it turns out I almost died the same day as James Gandolfini.

Last night, I am grilling soy sauce and maple syrup marinated salmon on a cedar plank with lemon slices on top for Virg’s birthday dinner. So Ann Caroline and Virg are out shopping, but, before they left, they say they want to eat outside.

Looking at the patio dinner table, I see that the table’s big Costco umbrella in the middle of it needs to be adjusted at the top before I can pull the rope to raise the umbrella up and out. So I step on the patio furniture chair and then step up on to the table. Now, I thought I had stepped on to the table far enough in the middle so it wouldn’t tilt over. Turns out I was wrong.

The table tilts, so to keep from falling, I make a desperate grab for the umbrella pole. The umbrella pole breaks, and I go flying off the table, head first for the cement still clutching the umbrella. 

By some miracle, I guess the umbrella must have broken my fall, because I did not hit my arms or my head on the cement, I land on top of and inside the umbrella.

What I did hurt was my shin, which whacked the arm of the patio chair on my way down. These chairs are made from this insanely heavy and hard Australian hardwood called Jarrah wood. They might as well be iron. My left shin hits this chair so hard, hitting the ground/cement with my body from four feet up does not hurt by comparison. My first thought is:

“So this is what it feels like to break your leg.”

It hurt so bad, I did not yell or scream. It was like the pain was so intense it side-stepped the screaming process. Sort of like shock. For a long time,  I was afraid to look at my shin. 

Just glad to be alive, I laid there for a good minute. The umbrella had me wrapped up inside of it's ribs and cloth and the rope like Captain Ahab twisted and tangled in the ropes of all the harpoon spear lines on top of Moby Dick. It took a few seconds to unfurl myself from inside the umbrella.

When I gathered up the courage to look at my shin, I was very relieved to see no bones sticking out. It was badly barked and scraped, and bleeding, but not broken. This was confirmed when I discovered I could stand on it. Believe me, it still hurt, but the pain was masked by my relief at not being hurt worse.

But the swelling on the shin started. Right away the bump on the front of my shin was the size of half a grapefruit. After much ice and hydrogen peroxide, it was much better.

Today half of my shin, almost down to the ankle, looks like I stepped into a bucket of blue ink.

So how does the Taliban get to ask for peace talks?

At some point an enemy is so bad and has done so many terrible things, they don't get to just say, OK, I quit. It's like if the Nazis said; 

"OK,  you guys beat us, just let us have Berlin."

David Letterman "I Like Kettlecorn" - Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee by Jerry Seinfeld

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

"It's that thing where they paint naked midgets blue and force-feed them bubblegum and then squeeze them until a bubble blows out of their butt...."

Substantive note, I’ll try and incorporate it into my choices, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Obama has nominated an HBO executive, James Costos, to be ambassador to Spain; today Miss Utah wished him luck on his appointment to South America.

As a result, Spain is now rated PG 13, violence, adult language and sexually-oriented nudity will occur.

A Florida man on a first date was beaten, robbed at gun point, stripped naked and abandoned in a field by her date’s brother and his friend; the good news is the second date will probably go better.

The Navy Seals now admit women; they figured out if they had a woman looking for a guy who cheated on four of his wives, they would have found Osama bin Laden five years earlier.

So it goes like this:

You’re out in local public. Not sorta, kinda public, like walking the dog in your neighborhood, I mean at the mall or grocery store public. You look ahead and you see a person coming you know. But you panic and you can’t remember their name. And you should remember their name. You used to know it through mutual friends and parties, school or soccer games, but right now you can’t remember. So you look down and avoid eye contact and throw your brain into serious memory mode.

Then you remember her name. Jennifer. OK, that’s fine, but what is her kid’s name? She was in a class and a soccer team with Ann Caroline and you have to ask her how she is doing. Oh crap, it started with a R. Rachel, that’s it, her kid’s name is Rachel. So what was her husband’s name, that guy that is kind weird? He had a weird name, too. Lawrence, that was it. Not Larry, he corrected you once when you called him Larry, it is Lawrence.

Whew, that was close, now your brain is fully downloaded to have a nice; “Oh, Lawrence and Rachel, I ran into Ann Caroline’s dad, Alex, and he was so nice. He asked about you guys” conversation.

Then you look up and are right about to say hello when it happens: It’s not the person you thought it was, they just looked like it. What happens next? Well, I get seriously pissed off at that person. How dare they make me go through all of that research and then not be the person I thought they were? Who the eff do they think they are fooling me like that?

Then I cut them a dirty look. 

But what's almost even worse? If it is Jennifer, and she clearly does not remember my name. But then you get a small feeling of superiority. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

You know what I don't like about this picture? Yeah, I have no idea either...

They jacked-up on the whacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl; Kim’s labor lasted six hours, creating the first time the words Kim Kardashian and labor have ever been used together.

Tiger Woods imploded on Saturday at the US Open. In fact, Tiger went down faster than Michael Douglass.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl; Kris Jenner is delighted to be a grandmother again and Bruce Jenner is happy to be that scary great Aunt.

The couple issued a statement to the Paparazzi that they respect their wishes and invade their privacy as much as possible.

Hooters offered dads 10 free chicken wings on Father’s Day; nothings says Happy Father’s Day like taking dad to Hooters to let him know he was a distant, absent and unloving father.

At the US Open at Merion, Sergio Garcia was heckled for his fried chicken remarks towards Tiger Woods; you have to remember this is golf heckling, the worst it gets is: “That shirt doesn’t go with your pants.” And, “Your sister is very popular.”

At the Miss USA pageant, Miss Utah, Marissa Powell, was asked about the male-female income disparity, she said; “We need to create education better.” Another contestant responded; “That’s embarrassing. Everyone knows we need to create education goodlier.” 

Lex Becomes White House Spokesperson:

On the Benghazi cover-up? We screwed that up. Instead of kissing terrorist’s butts and worrying about offending a group of terrorists who are so pissed off they want to kill us, we should focus on keeping the people happy who want to stop terrorists. Benghazi was a planned terrorist attack, not a random riot. We won’t make that mistake again.

The NSA leak? Get over it. If the NSA did not use our Internet traffic, e-mails and phone calls to track terrorists, then we would have something to worry about. If you’re embarrassed about something you sent or logged on to? Don’t do it anymore. Your privacy is not more important than saving lives.  Period.

IRS scandal? If I name my group “We Like To Rob Banks”, I am pretty sure the FBI will take notice. It works the same way with a tax-exempt political groups whose main purpose is not to pay taxes. Now, as far as the IRS officials spending lavishly? That stops now. The IRS executive who spent $1,500 on a hotel suite? He is going to pay that back. Lois Lerner? She is so fired. Better yet. Move her desk into the supply room like Milton on “Office Space” and stop issuing her pay checks.

AP spying? Who cares? Not even the AP really cares. Next?

Lex, how can you be so cynical as to suggest the Tiger Woods/Lindsay Vonn relationship is a P.R. stunt?

Let me see. What could stop Tiger's sleazy reputation as a Waffle House Waitress chasing horny hound than a serious relationship with another world class athlete who happens to resemble his ex-wife? What could garner more free publicity for both? 

NBC broadcasts Tiger's golf tournaments. NBC broadcasts Vonn's Olympics. At one point we see a concerned Vonn watching Tiger's US Open chances going down faster than Michael Douglas. Next we see a commercial promoting Vonn in Socha. 

Please. Do not urinate on my leg and tell me it is raining. 

Suddenly Tiger's advertising revenue is almost back to where it was before Slutty Socialites-Gate. 

What gets old is Tiger's attempts at conning us. He and IMG, Nike, Rolex, Buick, et al wanted us to believe Tiger was a Jack Nicklaus-like great Dad and husband. He was never anything close to that in terms of class. Never will be. 

What Tiger's handlers cannot seem to grasp is it is not possible to take a non-Alpha male stud and turn him into an Alpha male stud. Anyone who has seen a Steven Seagal movie can attest to that. 

Tiger is a flatulent, surly, tube-sock-wearing dork from smoggy Cypress named Eldrick who was a loser with women, but is now in the enviable position of being a super star who can get almost any girl he wants thanks to his fame and wealth courtesy of his other-worldly golf skills.

Did you see how sloppy drunk Tiger got when he had to go to the red carpet affair in New York with Lindsay Vonn? Did he look like a guy who wanted to be there or do that? Anyone? Bueller?

Let's face it. Tattaglia was a pimp. He could never have out-fought Santino. It was Barzini all along. Tiger Woods is Tattaglia, not Barzini. (You wondered where I was going with that wild dismount, but like Anne  Lamont, I stuck the landing) 

We can forgive anything but a hypocrite. Look at Charlie Sheen. He is rich and famous and likes to cop a buzz and have a lot of sex. Good for him. 

Tiger likes to play golf, drink Kettle One vodka, play video games in his socks and undies while eating Coco Puffs and then hook up with glorified strippers. Fine. Can anyone blame him? Not me. 

Just stop B.S.'ing us, Eldrick. And straighten out your fricking putting. Golf is more fun when you win. Or, more accurately, almost lose. 

This tanking crap has to stop.