Thursday, June 01, 2006

It is hard out here

Stompin’ on it and rompin’ on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We kid the Commander in Chief
President Bush proudly claims he speaks a little Spanish. Yeah, Bush went on to say that, because he can speak two languages, that makes him bi-lingatious.

So that also makes Bush bi-illegible.

Who knew?
The Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, have signed NFL-drug-banned Ricky Williams. This makes the third drug-banned player from the NFL the Argonauts have signed. Incidentally, Argonauts is a term from Greek mythology that means: Willy Nelson.  

Timing is nothing
A Dutch cycling union cleared Lance Armstrong of doping charges stemming from the 1999 Tour De France. Apparently this Dutch cycling union is a division of FEMA.

A Dutch cycling union cleared Lance Armstrong of doping charges stemming from the 1999 Tour De France. In addition, the Dutch cycling union also discovered that Bruce Willis was actually a ghost in “The Sixth Sense.”

Jumping on the bandwagaon
Despite their controversial anti-President Bush statements, the Dixie Chicks latest album, “Taking the Long Way” is the number one selling album. In a related story, has-been, brother-band Hansen said their next album is titled “President Bush is a Freakin’ Idiot.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
With the Rolling Stones, the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young, the latest trend in popular music are anti-President Bush songs. It was a little embarrassing, when asked if he considered these songs blasphemous, Bush said; “They do play them a little loud, yes.”

Not clear on the concept
The divorce settlement between Jessica Simpson and Nick Lache is getting ugly; it was a little awkward, when asked if there was any chance of an appeasement, Jessica said; “No, I’m not even pregnant.”

D.C. comics announced they are reintroducing Batwoman as a lipstick lesbian; Holy Melissa Ethridge, Batman.  

The new lesbian Batwoman is going to battle her lifelong rival: Xena, The Princess Warrior.

On a personal note, I would just like to say to DC Comics, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

The question now is how much longer are Batman and Robin going to stay in their bat cave closet?

Batwoman as a lesbian? Come on, who in the world wants to watch a gorgeous lesbian in a tight lycra suit beating upand tying up Catwoman? OK, that was a stupid question. Forget I said that.

It’s not like we haven’t had gay comic characters before. I mean look at Popeye. The guy is a vegetarian sailor whose motto is “I am what I am.” It just doesn’t get any gayer than that.

Barry and Soccer? Closer than you might think
Owners of the Oakland Athletics have received permission to place an MLS team in the Bay Area. You know what the new Bay Area soccer team has in common with Barry Bonds? Neither one wants to touch the ball with their hands.
Since you asked:

Why do so many celebrities feel compelled to shove their political and personal beliefs down our throats? I’m not a Country Music fan by definition, but I like a good country song. But I honestly don’t give a red state’s hoot if Toby Keith likes President Bush or if Natalie Maines doesn’t. So why won’t they both shut up about it?

As someone working hard out in the distant fringe of the entertainment business, I will never understand why anyone would go out of their way to alienate a big percentage of their potential audience. Look at Jeanine Garofalo. She went from being a damn good comedian to being the punch line of all whiney, Goth, hyper- sensitive, politically correct, pain-in-the-ass jokes. Do I care if somebody who laughs at my jokes doesn’t have my exact same political views? Hell no, not that there are that many who laugh at my jokes anyway.

The point is, even back when Crosby, Stills and Nash did the really great song “Four Dead In Ohio” I remember thinking: do those big shot music stars actually think that we don’t already know that four college kids getting shot to death by the National Guard isn’t a horrible thing?

As someone who has performed, albeit limitedly, in public on many occasions, both in comedy and on the harmonica, I know that it takes a lot of confidence and guts to stand up there and put it all out on the line. Maybe a little cockiness and arrogance comes with that. And since I’ve never performed for more than about 1,000 people tops, maybe, as the number of people these stars perform for swells, their confidence and arrogance has to swell as well. That part I understand.

But when that arrogance extends so far that this famous person who - because of their god-given skills in the lucrative field of entertainment – probably didn’t finish high school, when they assume they know more than I do about what I should believe in, it is time for them to focus back on what made them famous and maybe sit down an eat a piece of shut-the-hell-up cake.

Nobody ever, after a hard days work, shelled out big money to be entertained and then thought:

“Gosh, I sure hope Carrot Top espouses his views on the trouble in the Middle East.”  

Lord knows I loves me some Boss, and if you ever want to see a 50,000 person love-fest, catch Bruce Springsteen, like I did in 1985, at the Meadowlands in his beloved home state of New Jersey. But when Bruce started a long rambling speech on who-remembers-what, it was so tensely quiet, you could hear the eyeballs rolling in frustration. And this is a crowd where each and every one of these people would take a bullet for Bruce.

Believe me, I am not talking about the celebrities who walk the walk and do great things with their celebrity, like Oprah, Lance Armstrong and Bono and, yes, I have to say it, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I am talking about the Michael Moore’s and the Barbra Streisand’s and the Bill O’Reilly’s and the Rush Limbaugh’s, and especially the Tom Cruise’s – how can that little pygmy be so good in the movies and so bad in real life? - who want their opinions blasted in our faces merely for the sake of promoting themselves and inflating their over-sized egos.

If you are so uniformed and so easily swayed that sweet, cute, talented, but probably-not-a-member-of-Mensa Dixie Chick singer Natalie Maines can change your opinion on the evils of war and or the capability, or lack thereof, of our current President, you have more problems than which way to lean on politics. You probably want to seek professional mental help.

Just don’t tell Tom Cruise. He hates that crap.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh it gonna be like that now and again, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So true
Scientists have confirmed that HIV originated in Chimps. When asked to comment, one Chimpanzee said; “It’s hard out here for a Chimp.”

Record breaking
A baby in China was born with three arms; experts predict that, in a manner of a few months, the three-armed baby will be able to deliver the world’s first high fifteen.

And take two Jennifers
Ben Affleck spent Memorial Day in the hospital with a severe migraine. Ben will be fine, doctors ordered Affleck to rest and to never, ever, watch a replay of his movie “Gigli” again.

Chainsaw’s assist
The Phoenix Suns tied the Dallas Mavericks 2-2. Mavericks guard Jason Terry said that he always sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team. Except when they play Detroit, because nobody wants to sleep in Piston pants.

Amazing indeed
It was amazing, as soon as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s baby was delivered, the severed umbilical cord was named “People” magazine’s most beautiful umbilical cord.

Get it?
Paris Hilton has an album coming out that she says is a combination of pop, hip hop and reggae; see, now I thought Paris’s album would be a fusion of Ska and Punk or Skank.

Sue, sue, sue de ‘ho
Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle in “Saved by the Bell” is suing “The National Enquirer” for libel for saying that she had a drug problem. In addition, Lark Voories is being sued for having portrayed Lisa Turtle on “Saved by the Bell.”

We kid the trekkies
A study claims that, for men, sexual intercourse with a partner is four times more satisfying than masturbation. To which Trekkies asked; “What’s sexual intercourse with a partner?”

Again, we kid
Christies is going to have a huge Star Trek memorabilia auction. Trekkies will be able to bid millions for famous Star Trek items that will continue to not get them laid.

The nerve
Wednesday was Katie Couric’s last day on the “Today” show. Katie is leaving her show with class and warm feelings. To which Star Jones replied, “Can you believe that bitch?”

Not a good sign
Pitcher Roger Clemens will rejoin the Houston Astros in mid-June. This amid rumors that Clemens sat out the first part of the season due to a hushed-up steroid suspension. Clemens was so angry at the steroid charges, he threw a ball clean through a two foot concrete stadium wall.

A little bit of funk
The Senate passed a hasty token bill that makes English the official language of the United States; it was awkward, when told this English language law was perfunctory, President Bush said; “It does have some funk to it, don’t it?”

The Senate passed a bill that makes English the official language of the United States; the actual fine line wording of the bill makes the official language English and whatever the hell it is that President Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger speak.

The White House claims that President Bush speaks Spanish. He doesn’t speak Spanish well, so that makes Bush illegible in two languages.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It is hard out here

We steppin’ off wit’ da goooooood foot in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bradelina’s spawn
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl they named Shiloh; Shiloh is an old Hebrew name that means: my parents are way hotter than yours.

This is one kid who will have no problem finding a play group.  

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl they named Shiloh Nouvel. Shiloh is Jewish and Nouvel is French, so that means the child will be excellent at negotiating deals for surrender.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl named Shiloh Nouvel; five minutes after Brad and Angelina’s baby was born, ironically, it was adopted by a starving African couple.

Brad and Angelina had a baby girl, Shiloh. It won’t be easy being Brad and Angelina’s kid.

“So what did you do in school today?  Oh you made a clay pot? That’s great. Me? Oh, “People” magazine’s sexiest list, $20 mil for a movie and a Nobel Peace prize nomination. The usual.”

Can you imagine being the principal at Angelina Jolie’s kid’s school? “Yes, I know this is the twentieth time this week I’ve called you in, Ms. Jolie, but I want to keep you up to date on just how well little Shiloh is finger painting. She is a genius.”

How would you like to be Shiloh’s first grade teacher on Parents night? “Shiloh is a good listener, she helps me out during clean up and . .  . my god you two are so freaking hot!”

It will be great to be Brad and Angelina’s kid for the annual school fundraiser. “Thanks to Shiloh’s parents, Brad and Angelina, this year’s kissing booth earned just over $22 million dollars.”

How would you like to be another parent on career day with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? “Yes, I am a brain surgeon, and what I do is, oh, who gives a crap?”

Bailing on Bonds
Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth with his 715th home run but nobody seems to care. It shows that, if you got to where you are by using steroids, people don’t like it. Which may also explain Governor Schwarzenegger’s low approval rating.

Summer blockbuster
Despite the recent alligator attacks in Florida, for every person killed by an alligator, 200 are killed from crashing into a deer.  So Disney’s “Bambi” is being made into a horror sequel:

“Bambi’s Revenge: Steer Clear of the Deer.”

So that’s why
A study claims that, for men, sex is four times more satisfying than masturbation. That’s why a lot of guys feel that, in order to improve masturbation, they have to practice, practice, practice.

In Florida, three people were killed by alligators in one week; it is so bad, today somebody saw an alligator with matching human shoes and human handbag.

What a coincidence
The Dallas Mavericks lead the Phoenix Suns 2-1. Mavericks guard Jason Terry revealed that he always sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team. Which is wild because Paris Hilton also sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team, except Paris does it while they still wearing them.

Since you asked:
So I am playing Checkers last night outside on a beautiful Memorial Day night - after my awesome bacon avocado burgers - against Virg with Ann Caroline waiting to play the winner. In Checkers, I move really fast because I like to think it throws off my opponent. So Virg asked;

“Why don’t you slow down and think about your move?”

So I told her that the reason I move so fast is because I am sort of a Checkers genius and, like Bobby Fischer with Chess, I can play at much higher speeds than most people.

As if on cue, Virg double jumped me for a King. Without missing a beat, Ann Caroline said;

“Whoa, how about that, Mister Genius?”

In order to get even, let me say to anyone reading this out there in Internet land  - including my beloved A.L.b.b. regular readers, all ten of you - that, although she does look adorable when she sleeps, complete with her arm around her blue plush bunny, Blueberry, Ann Caroline does, however, snore like a drunken sailor.

Any other seven-year-olds want to mess wit’ da kid? Huh? Yeah, I didn’t think so.