Thursday, June 06, 2013

They don’t know how I am living for all of it at life and know what I’m knowing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The forecast calls for mild temperatures this week. In fact, it could be 69 all day. Just like Michael Douglas’s sex life.

A woman, represented by Gloria Allred, is suing United Airlines for failing to stop a man from masturbating in front of her mid-flight. Since then, United flight crews have been instructed on how to stop a man from masturbating. Just say two words; “Gloria Allred.”

Although on a United flight, apparently it wasn’t something special in the air.

Their case is weak. There is no United flight with that much elbow room.

Taco Bell is investigating a viral Facebook picture of a man in Taco Bell employee apparel, licking a big stack of tacos.  Isn’t licking a lot of tacos what gave Michael Douglass throat cancer?  

Friday is National Donut Day; because that is what our fat butts need; we need a National Donut Day like France needs a National Surrender Day.

That is the big water cooler topic, the red wedding in “Game of Thrones.” It was a wedding where almost all of the guests were killed. And, if that wasn’t brutal enough, the father of the bride kept all of their wedding presents.

More Random Lex Thoughts:

Jefferson Airplane? Overrated. Gracie Slick sucked. Jefferson Starship? Total schlock/crap.

We basically do three things: think, talk and do. We need to do more of latter and less of the prior. One of the priors. Or is talk the second latter? The do part, we need to do that. Yes.

Sometimes it does mean a thing even if it don’t got that swing.

It's nice when people are nice enough to say it is great I get to do what I love, comedy writing, for a living. But there is a part of me that wants to say;

"By great you mean writing all day - while even my close friends make jokes about me watching soap operas in a ratty yellow terrycloth bathrobe - and then having 95% rejected by people with no discernible sense of humor?" 

"And then when I do get paid, it is less than I deserve and way less than I need? Well, then, yeah, sure, it is great I get to do what I love for a living. "

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Way to go, Baby Horse. The Awesome Alex Morgan of the US women's soccer team on a SUP

Slap it, whap it, snap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The French have finally given a name for a French kiss: Galocher. It means cold sore provider.

Oprah told Harvard graduates how they deal with hard times will ultimately define their success; it is, without a doubt, the most inspirational advice on hard times ever given by a multi-billionaire.

Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are both leaving "American Idol." "Gosh, I hope I can get them in my think tank," said nobody. 

The French have finally given a name for a French kiss: Galocher. Notice how they put the word Cher in there? Because she was there when it first happened.

People are complaining a teapot from Penny’s looks like Adolf Hitler; personally, I am more concerned that North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, looks like a lesbian Pokemon doll.

The Pakistani Taliban has named a new second-in-command after their last one was killed in a drone strike. His name is Noah Epheen Way.  

In New York, Starbucks employees are suing over who gets to keep the tips; so the question is, should the tips go to the guy who takes the order down wrong or the barista who makes the order wrong?

Random Lex Thoughts:

A high school girl asks Houston Rocket Chandler Parsons to her prom. He politely declines, but sends her an awesome party bus. What a class act.

Kim and Kanye are having their baby soon. Kris Jenner is excited to be a grandmother and Bruce Jenner is excited to be a scary Aunt.

Blackhawks and Kings. Interesting to see how the LA fans compare to Chicago’s.

Can we just take away the insanity plea for mass killers? We already know they’re insane. The only question is: did they do it or not? If they did? Guilty.

Cuddling-up my puppy, Wally, has become a physical need like sleeping and eating.

Two Senators sent a letter to the Washington Redskins asking them to change their name. In a perfect world, the Redskins write back: “You’re right, it is an awful and disgraceful name we should be horribly humiliated by and ashamed; it conjures up memories of a truly criminal history. From now on we are the District of Columbia Redskins.

Garrrrl, you know Katherine Zeta Jones be all; "M.D., you best get your moldy old ass down there and whistle in the wheat field."

Grilling my awesome Steak San Guidos from Escondido. Chimichurri-marinated sirloin on grilled French bread with garlic butter sauce, roasted red peppers and melted Havarti cheese. Go ‘Hawks. Might quaff a beer or two. 

Monday, June 03, 2013

We flat-out snanny on the kerstinker flink hazinfloss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Spoiler alert: Did you see the latest HBO “Game of Thrones?” So many popular lead characters were killed off you’d think it was on NBC. 

According to a TMZ poll, Justin Bieber’s popularity is dropping. To give you an idea how bad it is, Justin’s monkey is cheating on Justin with one of the One Direction guys.

To give you an idea how bad it is, Taylor Swift broke up with Justin before they even went out.

The Chicago Blackhawks have a two game lead on the Los Angeles Kings in the Western finals. People in Los Angeles are shocked. We have a hockey team? Since when?

Justin Bieber is coming out with his own line of cologne; it’s the perfect Father’s Day gift for absolutely nobody.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are expecting a girl; this is exciting, the Harvard debate team is holding a spot for 2031.

The Chicago Blackhawks have a two game lead on the Los Angeles Kings in the Western Conf. finals. This is bad news because hockey is at least as important to Los Angeles sports fans as surfing is to the folks in Minneapolis.

Since you asked:

Watching the Kings-‘Hawks game, it occurs what is the difference between California sports fans and more avid sports fans.

Some of my California friends had trouble with “Silver Linings Playbook” because they just couldn’t buy a whole family being that nuts about a football team. In Philadelphia, New York, Boston and Chicago, everyone is like that.

Take the Chargers. I’m a die-hard Bear fan, but I like the Chargers. Love the powder blue uniforms, follow their exploits, etc. My lovely wife asked me to a game last season in her company’s luxury box, free parking, free food, free booze. And I said no thanks. Would rather go surfing, and come back and watch the recording on my Hi Def screen and speed through the commercials.

Lots of supposed San Diego Charger fans are just like me.

Yes, there is a core of die-hard Chargers fans, and they are awesome. They tailgate out of their trucks, the whole family wears Chargers jerseys, they have season tickets. They paint their faces and bring signs. They cheer at all the right moments.

But they are only about 25,000 of them, the rest – and the vast majority - are crappy, half-assed fans like me.

This point was brought home to me when I went to a USC-Notre Dame game in the Rose Bowl. Are the Notre Dame fans die hard? Yes. Are they nuts? Certainly. Does the outcome of a Notre Dame football game effect them in a way that is way out of whack with normal priorities? Yes. But they are generally funny, nice and friendly.

The USC fans? Pretty sure most of them were there because they thought they looked so good in their sporty burgundy and gold sportswear. Notre Dame fans are named Stewie, Tommy, Dougie and Danny. USC fans are named Tasker. (It is a family name)  

The group I was with was a bunch of ex-Princeton football players in town for our good friend, the Doctor’s, bachelor party. We wanted Notre Dame to win, but nobody was wearing green. How many beers were we offered to us by tailgating Notre Dame fans? Too many to count. How many beers were offered to us from the USC fans? Zero. Zip. Nada. Most were drinking wine anyway.

Now keep in mind, there are four of us, all, except for the more normally-sized Doctor, were around the same height and weight. Over six foot and over 200 pounds, big chests and shoulders. We were inside the Rose Bowl trying to find our seats, when we stopped to look at the seat numbers on our tickets, a really preppy-looking 30-ish USC fan yelled at us to get the eff out of his way.

Without a word being passed, we all thought the same thing and proceeded to form a tight wall right in front of him, our backs to him, completely obstructing his view while waiting for him to do something about it.

Poor little USC fan, Skipper I bet was his name, just sat there quietly looking like he was going to soil his pants while the crowd laughter and applause around us grew and grew. They had seen and heard his rude tirade and enjoyed our response. (One of Skipper’s friends asked what was going on. Skipper said; “They were in my way so I yelled at them, now they think they’re funny. She replied; “Oh, so you did deserve this.”)

We finally left to go to our seats right about when Skipper was just about to go from red-faced to crying. (Sorry, John Snake, but it is all true)

Not to imply all California fans are close to as obnoxious as USC fans are, but there is a big difference.

Californians in general are good sports fans. They are, generally speaking, athletic, in good shape and knowledgeable. Hell, I’ll even take a USC fan over the fat, drunk morons who follow the Phillies or the Mets.

Think I am making this up? Compare the fans of the Kings to the Blackhawks. Yes, there is a great core of die-hard Kings fans. But most fans are like the celebrities who are there merely to be seen on camera.

No cheering during the Star Spangled Banner, ala the Madhouse. 

My theory on what happened in "GOT."

"Game of Thrones" spoiler alert.

Like almost everyone, thought the Red Wedding scene was way over the top and defined gratuitous violence. Oh well, thought I, must have been what happened in the book.

Turns out, no. Not exactly what happened in the book. Much worse. Now, I know "GOT" is not a comedy, but what if the creators of "Modern Family" decided to kill off Jay, Gloria, Manny, Mitchell and Phil? Wouldn't we be pissed? Yes. Would we watch it again? No.

So here is what I think happened. The makers of "GOT" fell in love with their genius of lopping off the head of Ned Stark. We were all shocked at what a gutsy and unusual move. So they decided to take it way, way too far. 

It will be fascinating to see how people respond to this creative betrayal, not to put too fine a point on it. But it is a form of betrayal. We invest a bit of ourselves when we decide to follow a series. Betray us one too many times and we are not coming back. 

Me? I will give "GOT" one more chance. 

Police dog, Figo, bids farewell to his fallen partner, Jason Ellis

Sunday, June 02, 2013

To die with dignity and with those who love and respect you present is more than what many can only wish for, yet I can't help but be moved and saddened by this. God Bless this Life : "Kaiser, a K9 German Shepherd with the Plymouth Police Department, was recently diagnosed with severe kidney disease/failure leaving his health to decline rapidly. This is a photo of Kaiser being saluted on his final journey"

Well done, Kaiser, well done.