Saturday, May 10, 2008

We were out there getting’ it done, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mommy Dearest
Are you ready for Mother’s Day? Or as Pamela Anderson calls Mother’s Day: Guess Which Weird Dude is Daddy? Day.

Hillary’s final days
It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Hillary’s campaign workers are volunteering to go out for Starbucks and Krispy Kreme donuts and not coming back.

It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today they burned all records and photographs and tomorrow they all retreat to the bunker.

It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today Bill Clinton gave a red-faced rant to the operator at a 1-900 porn number.

Did you see that Bill Clinton was caught wiping a tear at a speech given by Hillary? You can’t blame Bill for being sad, now that he will have to come off the campaign trail he will have to pay for all his own hotel room porn.

It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Fundraisers continue to pretend to recruit for donors even though the phone lines have all been turned off.

It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today the band at Hillary’s headquarters struck up “Nearer My God To Thee.”

Ahh, that’s nice
17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby shower. It was nice, her sister Britney bought her a combination training bra and nursing bra.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be broke, and I think its true; to give you an idea how broke Hillary’s campaign is, Hillary asked Bill Clinton to ask one of his girlfriends to suck on a hose to siphon gas from a car into their tour bus.

“I am really normal for a bonkers movie star”
Did you see Oprah interview Tom Cruise at his house in Teluride Colorado? The house is beautiful, it’s rustic with real pine trees used in the electric fence that keeps Katie Holmes from escaping.

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant:

What a glorious morning at La Jolla Shores on the UCSB Golden Yellow and Mediterranean Blue stand up paddleboard I have dubbed Groucho the Gaucho.

Two foot nicely formed waves. I hit the quatro on one wave: caught it, rode it, turned on it and paddled back out. Most were crash and burns but I am getting much better with my surfing. Pelicans were dive bombing for fish, I rode a wave with a Leopard shark and at one point the clouds/high fog separated giving us a “Cocoon” like sunburst over the water.

Now it is Cubs-Snakes game watching on the most glorious Hi Definition while multi-tasking napping. My patented drifting off just under the radar so that when the announcers voice gets excited I snap awake and don’t miss anything.

Tonight my other band, the Mitigators, jam at a 40-year-old birthday party. This is the band with the awesome female singer and a professional drummer. We kicked butt on a few numbers in rehearsal so I am excited. Specifically "Sympathy for the Devil" Either way it will be a blast.

Go out there and get her done, Slats and Gets.

Lex’s Newest Pet Peeves:

Listen, I understand first hand that working with snippy customers over the phone isn’t the most fun you can have and that the people answering customer service calls aren’t on a career path to the stars, but they should at least be able to take down a credit card number.

Friday I was desperately trying to throw money at my pay-as-I-go cell phone. After the phone honeymoon was over and I sent a bunch of immature and obscene text messages to my buddies, I really don’t use the phone that much so I just throw $50 at the account and make sure I use it all before the expiration date in a few months.

So I call and give some poor girl my credit card number. Now the card was American Express and my bill is current. When you give somebody your credit card number, they need to say something to let you know they are with you. This poor, dimwitted girl could not grasp that concept. So we went through the number three times with no success. Finally I said, OK tell me when you have it: 123, you got that? “Yah.” 4567, you got that? “Yah.” 890, you got that? “Yah.”

Very patiently, I said, “OK, now read it back to me. “1432576F980.” No lie, she had somehow put an F in there. Finally she just said the credit card was declined, which I knew was a lie. It took me three tries to find someone who could take down a credit card number correctly and put $50 on my phone.

Now I don’t want to say the name of the phone service company, but it rhymes with Florizan.

Oh, and douche-bag, worthless, dumb-ass, lame-as-they-possibly-can-be weekend warrior cyclists who insist on riding two and sometimes even three across. I have a road bike, I trained for mini triathlons, I know bike etiquette: RIDE SINGLE FILE YOU INCREDIBLY ANNOYING A-HOLES!

Whoa, easy Lex. Back off a sconch, throttle back and put a damper on it, big guy.

Put they are a-holes.

Friday, May 09, 2008

We may have to go nitro and drop us some funk bombs up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Booked up
Lindsay Lohan’s mom, Dina Lohan, was voted mother-of-the-year by a group of Long Island Mothers; apparently Amy Winehouse’s mom was booked.

Barbara Walters’s new biography has caused a stir; like the time she accidentally stumbled into ‘The View” dressing room of Rosie O’Donnell and caught Rosie getting steroids injected into her ass by Roger Clemens.

Putting the woo who in SDSU
There was a huge drug bust at San Diego State, including cocaine, Ecstasy and Marijuana; it was such a big drug bust, they will now have to rename the college San Diego Altered State.

There was a huge drug bust at San Diego State that involved six fraternities. The worst drug frat? Snoopa-chi Doggie-phi.

Bawa Wawa
Barbara Walters new biography is creating controversy; in her day, she got around. Barbara revealed she has a butt tattoo that says “Let’s Get Weady to Wumble”

Hoisting with the townies
The politicians are drinking with locals. Hillary Clinton did shots in Pennsylvania, Barack Obama had a beer in North Carolina, John McCain downed Metamucil in Miami.

A stand up guy
A New York congressman, Vito Fossella, said he fathered a child in an extramarital affair right after his arrest for drunk driving. Drunk driving and a child out-of-wedlock? Compared to the current and ex-governors in that area who are using drugs, hookers and having gay three-ways, this Vito guy is a family values icon.

Not since then
The Olympic torch was carried to the top of Mount Everest; this is the highest an Olympic torch carrier has ever been if you don’t count the time the torch went through San Diego State.

Two charges
Amy Winehouse was arrested in London for possession of illegal drugs; in addition, Winehouse faces the lesser charge of impersonating Marge Simpson.

Amy Winehouse was arrested in London for possession of illegal drugs; on the bright side, Winehouse was asked to be the commencement speaker at San Diego State.

So that is where she got it . . .
Despite all evidence that she is fighting a losing cause, despite everyone telling her there is no hope, despite all signs it’s over, Hillary Clinton is sticking with it. She got the idea from her marriage.

Weather playa
One of the male broadcasters on “The Weather Channel” was sued for sexual harassment by his female co-anchor; it seems he tried to put his Doppler radar into her troposphere.

To show how bad it is for Hillary Clinton, today Bill Clinton could only get the drive-through cashier at McDonalds to listen to his red-faced rant.

Good news, I guess . . .
Democratic icon super delegate George McGovern has switched from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama; this is really good news for Obama if the election was in 1972.

What the homey hell is happenin’ up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ryan’s hair-don’t
Did you see “American Idol”? What the deal with Ryan Seacrest’s hair? I don’t want to say that little tuft sticking up in front was sissy-looking, but “Queer Eyes” Carson Kresley said; “Ryan, lose the poodle-do, dude.”

It was like the Sanjaya Faux Hawk starter kit.

He had that Martin Short character Ed Grimley-thing happening. Oh yeah, that will kill the gay rumors.

Did you see “American Idol”? What the hell was the deal with Ryan Seacrest’s hair? To give you an idea how bad it was, Ryan’s hair almost sobered up Paula Abdul.

And it hit the fan
In Iraq it is being reported that Shiites are attacking other Shiites. Yeah, apparently it is real Shiite storm.

In Iraq it is being reported that Shiites are attacking other Shiites. Some are wearing big boots to use in the attacks, or as they are called: Shiite kickers.

Whither Hillary
It’s not looking good for Hillary Clinton. Today Simon Cowell told her to pack her bags.

It’s not that Hillary Clinton is doing that bad, it’s just getting clearer and clearer she isn’t going to ever win the big one. As a result today Hillary was endorsed by the Chicago Cubs.

No problem
In “People” magazine’s Most Beautiful issue, “Dancing with the Stars” Miami Dolphin end Jason Taylor admitted he gets manicures, pedicures, facials, whitens his teeth and shaves his chest. Gosh, I don’t see how this could cause Jason a problem in an NFL locker room as long as he doesn’t mind hanging by his jockey shorts.

In “People” magazine’s Most Beautiful People issue, “Dancing with the Stars” Miami Dolphin end Jason Taylor admitted he gets manicures, pedicures, facials, whitens his teeth and shaves his chest. Brett Favre is spinning in his grave and he isn’t close to dead yet.

Since you asked:
And while we are on popular culture, can I just take a minute to give a huge, juicy “Lex Doesn’t Get It” to anything and everything about MTV’s “The Hills.”?

Not only do I not care why Lauren hates Heidi, and who that loser Spencer is, what little I do know about “The Hills” I cannot figure out why anyone else would care either. It is like a bad soap opera with worse writers. “The Hills” is almost – and this is a big almost – as much an indication our society is going down the toi-toi as Paris Hilton.

With so much good stuff to choose from like “30 Rock” and “Two and a Half Men”, and my boys, Jay, Dave, Conan, Jon and Craig, ESPN, the Discovery Channel, the Food Network, the History Channel, a billion movies in rotation on cable, and a few scant good reality shows like “American Idol” why on earth would anyone choose to not just kill their time watching “The Hills,” but bludgeon, dismember and disperse their time in dumpsters all over town?

And about “People” most beautiful issue? Yes, I got snubbed again. But did you notice no crazy bitches made it? No Paris Hilton, no Lindsay Lohan, no Naomi Campbell, no Britney Spears, no Nicole Richey, no Amy Winehouse. Crazy bitches be gone. Right on, “People.”

Oh, and she may be a little dim, and she talks about her gas problems far too much, but Jessica Simpson is just flat out hot.

One thing our culture is desperately in need of? Although I am a huge, huge fan of the Tina Fey, what we really need is another article on how Tina Fey manages her busy career and family. If I know the name of Tina’s Jamaican nanny, Jesse, as I do, than it is time to cool it.

And while we are on “Things Lex Doesn’t Get” can we add Queen Latifah? Sure, I get that she is big, black, brassy and sassy, but “People” 100 most beautiful? Please. And why does she continue to get choice movie roles after bomb after bomb after bomb? Has anyone ever said; “Oh, let’s go see this movie, Queen Latifah is in it”? No. (If you tell me "Posh, posh, Lexie, Q.L. was simply fierce in "Chicago" I swear I will have to come up there and you don't want that)

And here is a rhetorical question: Oh sweet goddess nectar Vodka, why dos thou have to be such a vindictive and mean-spirited whore?

One of the greatest and easiest things in the world to make is the Greek salad. When grilling lamb or garlic marinated chicken, chop up cucumbers, slice tomatoes, Greek pitted Kalamatta olives, diced red onion, crumble in Feta cheese, light slather of olive oil and even lighter slather of balsamic vinegar, dust with garlic powder, pepper and sea salt, and stir.

Trust me, the Feta cheese and the oil and the balsamic and the juices from the tomatoes and cucumbers all gloriously merge to make this incredible brown sauce that you mop up with a piece of pita bread.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

We the Über dawg, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ah, that’s sweet
17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby shower; her sister Britney gave her a nice white trash can.

17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby shower; it was awkward when Roger Clemens showed up and gave her an autographed baseball with his phone number.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
First daughter Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend. It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush about the nuptials, Bush said; “Laura is in charge of the flowers.”

His mistake
Roger Clemens used to date John Daly’s ex-wife. But it turned out to be a misunderstanding, Clemens was attracted to her until he found out it was just her golf handicap that was 15.

Not since then
The top blockbuster in a long time is “Iron Man.” This is the most money a mechanical man has made with a movie since Al Gore released “Inconvenient Truth.”

Hola and adios
Did you have a Happy Cinco De Mayo? Today it’s Adios Suit De La Pantaloons day.

It is not looking good for Hillary. Pretty soon she may have to wave her white pants suit.

Did you have a good Cinco De Mayo? Cinco De Mayo is a Mexican term meaning: Last One Over to America Turn Out the Light.

Bawah Wawah
Barbara Walters has come out with a racy autobiography. Barbara was a wild woman. It turns out Barbawa was a weal twamp.

Barbara Walters has come out with a racy autobiography. Not to put too fine a point on it, but while she was a reporter in Washington, Barbara personally put two brothels out of business.

Bad dog
Winner of the Westminster Dog Show the Beagle, Uno, visited President Bush at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Uno hit on Millie the first dog.

That is weak
Miami Dolphins star end Jason Taylor is winning over women on “Dancing with the Stars.” Taylor is so handsome, when women see him their knees get weaker than the average Dolphins offensive lineman.

Since you asked:
Why is it always up to me to fix things?

Take “American Idol.” That thing is a dollar making machine, but they had best come correct and square themselves right or they will be screwed. See, although "AI" is wildly popular now, the show has serious flaws. With so many options on TV and so little time to view, we viewers are just dying for an excuse to kick the addiction of any one show. That’s what happened to me with “Survivor” I was hooked, recorded the episodes and one day it sucked and that was it.

Even though my family is San Diego biased, the fact that Carly Smithson was voted off during Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber week was flat wrong. She is much better than Brook White and especially Jason Castro and she tore up “Jesus Christ Superstar”

The brain trusts at “A.I.” have to fix two huge problems.

One, “Vote for the Worst” is just killing them. They have to technically rig a way to cancel out those negative votes. This is not a presidential election, no crime will be committed it the election is tampered with.

Maybe it’s as simple as giving the producers one vote cancel per season. When it is over ten contestants it doesn’t matter, there are enough lousy ones that stick out and they will get booted. But when it gets down to the top six or so, it is a close horse race, and when an obvious clunker is voted back it sticks out, so the producers should silently and secretly toss out that vote. And this would also help kill "Vote for the worst" by making it impotent.

Second, they have to figure out some way to adjust the out-of-whack demographic of young teenage girls voting like, oh-my-god, like, a bajillion baskillion kajillion times. A cute guy who is a crappy singer, like Jason "Whoopi+Travolta=" Castro, will always beat a cute girl who is a much better singer, like Carly.

And what the hell was the deal with Ryan Seacrest’s hair? Did he tell the barber he wanted to look like Ed Grimley? Yeah, that should put a stop to all the fancy boy rumors. Why not just borrow Sanjaya's faux hawk wig?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Whoa to the hey to the now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Or something like that
Happy Cinco De Mayo. Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for Miley Cyrus Get Dressed.

Barbara Walters has come out with a rather racy autobiography. Barbara was a wild woman. It turns out Barbawa was somewhat of a twollop.

Mon Dieu
Do you know what happened on this date in 1862? The Mexican army defeated the French in the battle of Puebla marking Cinco De Mayo; reportedly the French retreated in terror when they were frightened by the sound of Margarita blenders firing up.

That’s sweet
17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby shower; her sister Britney gave her a nice trailer warming gift.

We kid my Cubbies
Do you know who said; “The sports page records people’s accomplishments; the front page has nothing but man’s failures.” It was chief justice Earl Warren who was clearly not a Cubs fan.

Record breaking
On “Oprah” David Blaine set the world record for holding his breath, just over 17 minutes. That’s the longest anyone’s brain has gone without oxygen since President Bush got his head stuck trying to look inside the castle of his fish tank.

Since you asked:

Why so hard on PETA? PETA is proof that meaning well and causing harm are not mutually exclusive. By focusing so much press and publicity on stupid causes, like stopping the harvesting of bees for honey, it results in the public losing credibility for serious animal rights problems. In short, by using no common sense, PETA takes sympathy and weight away from the animals that need help.

My experience with an actual PETA member.

Before we got our second Labrador, Wrigley, it bothered me when Kasey had to go long stretches alone, so whenever I had the chance, I took her with me. Plus she loves driving in the car. One time I took her to a burger place that caters to the truly annoying and bored a-holes and their lawless wild spawn who live in this area. I won’t mention the name of the dump but it rhymes with Dead Knobbin’

So I tied Kasey’s leash to the bike rack so she was in the shade and got her a bowl of water so she could lie down and enjoy the attention of the people entering or leaving who wanted to pet a cute little worried, sweet, bear-faced dog.

As I was eating my burger at the bar, a loud and shrill voice yelled from the lobby;

“Who the hell does that dog belong to?”

Thinking that the person was worried that the dog had been abondoned there, I said;

“Don’t worry, the dog is mine.”

The woman, straight out of middle-aged-crone-New-Ywahck-accented shrew central casting (think Joan Rivers minus the sense of humor) started screaming and literally waving her long bony Wicked Witch finger at me;

“You are abusing that dog, you should be ashamed.”

“What are you talking about, lady?”

“The poor thing is left all alone outside tied to a damn rack.”

As this was certain the woman was crazy, I tried to reason with her;

“Would you rather I left her lonely and alone in our backyard where nobody can pet her?”

“Don’t get smart with me, Mister," she hissed furiously, " I am a member of PETA so I know what I am talking about when it comes to animal abuse.”

With that I smiled a knowing smile, chuckled and then said;

“Oh, PETA? Why didn’t you say so? See, before I didn't know you were a psycho nut- job b*tch with far too much time on her lazy and snotty hands.”

Then I offered the PETA member a bite of my hamburger, but for some reason, she turned it down. I don’t think she liked me.

My friends call it: Alex Out Making Friends.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Let’s get our get on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Well, that is . . . something, I guess
Cher claims she had a brief affair with a young Tom Cruise. Well, not an affair, really, but she did let him try on her clothes.

So proud
“People” came out with its world’s 100 most beautiful people issue. Did you know I made the issue? I am proud to say I am somewhere between Emeril Lagase and Shrek.

A mayor in Chili is giving free Viagra to its senior citizens. It really messed up one assisted care facility’s bingo game, the men would shout out bingo when the Viagra kicked in whether they had bingo or not.

Barbara Walters admitted she once had an affair with married Senator Edward Brooke. Of course, this was before our elected officials outsourced their sex partners to professionals.

Not a good sign
On “American Idol” this week, Paula Abdul began judging a song that Jason Castro did not sing; I think Paula is losing it. Now every time Randy Jackson says dawg, Paula rolls on her back and barks uncontrollably

But why?
The daytime talk shows “Ellen” and “Rachel”, Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Ray, are fighting over an appearance by Rosie O’Donnell. And here is the weird part: they both want Rosie.

Broken record
Magician David Blaine set the world record for holding his breath on “Oprah” just over 17 minutes. This broke the previous record for holding your breath of 16 minutes set by Kate Hudson filming a love scene with Matthew McConaughey.

Too bad
“People” magazine has named Kate Hudson as the world’s most beautiful person. Naomi Campbell was going to be the “People” most beautiful cover, but she threw a cell phone at the photographer and broke the camera.

That old classic
The Chicago Cubs new Japanese star slugger, Kosuke Fukudome, is on the cover of “Sports Illustrated.” That reminds me of the punch line of one of my favorite dirty jokes: Fukudome? Hell, it nearly killed me.

Since you asked:
Let’s give a moment of silence to Eight Belles.

As with Barbaro at the 2006 Preakness, this was a stunning example of how life can be wonderful and tragic. The Kentucky Derby is one of those truly blessed events that are more than a mere sporting event. Like the Olympics, World Cup Soccer, the World Series and Wimbledon, the Kentucky Derby is a golden and special time that lives forever. History occurs before our eyes the likes of which give the wonderful hosts of Kentucky every reason to be so proud.

And then, in one tragic misstep, one of these beautiful, noble and brave creatures gets mortally hurt.

The tragedy of the death of the filly Eight Belles is an object lesson in how life can be spectacular and stupendously unfair at once. But, like with David Martin, the triathlon swimmer killed by a shark near here in Solana Beach, there is some measure of solace in knowing Eight Belles died doing what she loved. Not like the cold and timid souls of the critics who know neither victory nor defeat.

But for those who are worse than the cold, timid souls there are the pious, smug and self-righteous nut-job so-called animal lovers who would ban horse racing and keep those gallant steeds from doing what they were born for and what they live for. They need to bother someone else. Unlike the poor dogs brutally bred to dog fight, the goal of thoroughbred horse racing is to make the horse as happy and as healthy as possible.

Barbaro and Eight Belles would kick their heavenly stalls with fury at the thought of having the glorious memory of their races taken away from them - let alone stealing that moment of glory from future horses – simply to-all-too- briefly quiet a few grating , selfish and wrongly self-proclaimed animal rights know-it-alls.

With the countless number of brutalities occurring to animals outside of the world of horse racing, you would think P.E.T.A. would have enough to do. Once again, political correctness proves to be nothing more than the extortion, via free publicity, by the annoying few at the expense of common sense. Anyone with any sense who has ever witnessed a thoroughbred horse run knows they love racing and live for it.

As with the all-too-brief time that our beloved pets are with us, I take comfort in knowing race horses like Barbaro and Eight Belles lived their lives to the fullest by living and loving and running one second at a time. And I take comfort that animals, unlike us, have no regrets and they cannot measure time, nor do they care, as we do, if their time with us is far too brief. All the animals care is if they love and are loved and that they get to do what they were born to do. It would take a horribly selfish person to deny them that chance.

Now excuse me, I have to go throw a ball for a couple of Kasey and Wrigley Labradors and rub a couple of doggie tummies while I am at it. Hopefully P.E.T.A. won’t find out that I am using the dogs for my own selfish ball-throwing and tummy-rubbing pleasure.

P.S. To any P.E.T.A. members I may have offended by this post? Buh bye. And, by the way, sitting around on your fat ass trying to figure out more ways to whine about the endless things that you don't like doesn't make you an animal lover. The Vet who ran out and put Eight Belles to sleep before she had time to come out of shock? Now that is an animal lover.