You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Boston University claims it has a new way to detect brain injuries in NFL players. When asked what he thought about the new diagnosis for brain injuries, New England Patriot’s Rob Gronkowski said, “What do I care? I’m a firetruck.” 

There is going to be a Broadway musical based on the life of Cher. “I have no interest in a Broadway musical about Cher,” said not one single gay man ever.

New York Giant receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., was fined $12,154 for his touchdown celebration against the Eagles where he imitated a dog urinating. The fine sounds bad, but it would have been $85,000 in dog years fines.

New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr., was fined $12,154 for his touchdown celebration against the Eagles where he imitated a dog urinating. That’s nothing You should see the dog celebration Beckham has planned if the Giants play on Wednesday, or hump day.

There is going to be a Broadway musical based on the life of Cher. It is being billed as the gay crack of theatric productions.

They’re going to make a movie about the Chicago Cubs 2016 World Series win and Bill Murray will play manager Joe Maddon. That is life imitating art imitating life imitating perfection. 

Our intelligence claims morale inside the Taliban is extremely low. They’re going to hold a team-building happy hour at Thank Allah It’s Friday.

Hugh Hefner passed at 91. Hef will be remembered for changing our lexicon. He gave us the the terms center-fold and Playmate. He brought new meaning to bunnies and “Mom, don’t come in here, I’m busy.” 

Hugh Hefner passed and people are remembering his innovations. The Centerfold. The Playmate. Putting the Chicago Playboy building on Whacker Drive.

Sources say the Taliban’s morale is it an all-time low. Looks like someone could use an ugly sweater contest. 

Sources say the Taliban’s morale is it an all-time low. To combat low morale, the Taliban is going to award a Suicide Bomber of the Month trophy.

Linda Ronstadt - Living Like a Fool (Playboy After Dark, October 1969)

Hugh Hefner introduces an unknown Linda Ronstadt with Bernie (Eagles founder) Leadon on guitar three years before anyone heard of them. Way to go, Hugh.

Steven Seagal Runs Like a Girl

Here Steven demonstrates how to run like a drunk debutante who just has a spider land on her



I've got my eye on you, Jayqwellen, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Hef, the man who put more wood in Hollywood than Viagra

Hugh Hefner passed at 91. All men over 50 are wearing their zipper at half-staff. 

Hugh Hefner passed at 91. Although many thought 69 would be the death of him. 

Hugh Hefner passed at 91. The man was responsible for more blown-out male elbows than the curve ball.

Hugh Hefner passed at 91. With all the Viagra that guy has taken, good luck closing the coffin lid. (13 hours ahead of GG, but an obvious joke all the same) 

Hugh Hefner will be buried next to Marilyn Monroe. Their corner of the crypt will be sponsored by Jergen’s lotion. 


Hugh Hefner passed at 91. Per Hef’s wishes, his ashes will be pressed into a “Playboy” magazine and hidden under a mattress. 



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Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Travis Scott’s baby. When asked if they plan to wed, Kylie said, “I hardly know the guy. What kind of girl do you think I am?” 

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The winner of the Senate primary in Alabama, Roy Moore, once compared homosexuality with having sex with a cow. Apparently, Moore had experienced one of them.

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Rumor has it Peyton Manning is considering running for Senate for Tennessee. Although it would be awkward for his Tennessee constituents when Manning repeatedly yells “Omaha.” 

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Our intelligence claims morale inside the Taliban is extremely low. Looks like somebody needs a Taco Tuesday and a Luau Friday.

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Hugh Hefner passed at 91. Hef will be remembered for changing our lexicon. He gave us the terms fold-out and Playmate. He brought new meaning to bunnies and “Mom, don’t come in here, I’m busy.” 


Since you asked:




Why does Donald Trump have such an angry Lady Boner for the NFL? 

In 1984, Trump tried to low-ball the Dallas Cowboys, but the NFL owners smelled a rat and wanted nothing to do with him. The hurt and spurned Trump went on to predict whoever buys the Cowboys would regret it. (It turned out to be Jerry Jones in 1989 and it is now the highest valued sports team)

As chronicled in ESPN’s “30 For 30” series titled “Small Potatoes. Who Killed the USFL,” Trump saw the USFL as his way to back-door into the NFL. Trump proved the NFL owners right by not only over-spending and destroying the New Jersey Generals, but by insisting the league move from the profitable Spring to the NFL-killing Fall, effectively destroying the league. 

Just over a year ago, Trump was turned down again by the NFL in a weak attempt to buy the Buffalo Bills. 

P.S. Angry Lady Boner is my new all-female heavy metal band. 

Rod Stewart - Mandolin Wind (original)

Funk Zone Wally

Funk Zone Wally doin’ his thang, Funk Zone Wally’s a real good hang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Last week, FEMA tweeted out the wrong number for a roof repair company and gave a phone sex line instead. One conversation about spackling the attic turned really ugly.

One conversation about shellacking the chimney went really weird.

The sex line operators were shocked at all the people complaining about getting leaked on.  


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Anthony Weiner sentenced to 21 months for sexting a 15-year-old girl. There are worse things than a pedophile named Weiner going to prison. Oh, right. No there isn’t.




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Megyn Kelly launched “Megyn Kelly Today” and the reviews were not kind. The consensus is Megyn is like a soccer mom trying way too hard to be the cool mom.

The good news is Donald Trump did not Tweet Megyn was bleeding from anywhere.

Jared Kushner and Ivanka used private emails for White House use. Upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton almost dropped her bottle of Chardonnay. 

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A representative for the Mad Pooper claims the woman defecating on lawns underwent a sex-change operation. For the love of god, Caitlyn Jenner, turn yourself in.



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Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin, said NFL players give up free speech when they’re on the field. Mnuchin then boarded a government jet for a personal trip. 



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Saudi Arabia is going to let women drive. And, on November 5th, they’re going to set their clocks back one hour and their calendars forward fifty years. 

You think he cried then? Wait until he tells his cellmate he is a pedophile named Weiner.


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Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin, said NFL players give up their right to free speech when they’re on the field. Mnuchin than added, “So take that high school football players who hung me in my locker from my underwear.” 

Last week, FEMA tweeted out the wrong number for a roof repair company and gave a phone sex line instead. The sex line operators were shocked at all the people complaining about getting leaked on.  

Let’s drink wine in the Funk Zone, in the Funk Zone, in the Funk Zone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Oprah Winfrey was on “60 Minutes” to monitor a panel debate on Donald Trump. The panelists were paid $100 each. No matter how hard Oprah tried, the panelists kept stirring the debate to when Oprah would give them a car.


A few weeks ago, a man was arrested for throwing a yoga mat on the White House lawn. It has taken the Secret Service this long to unravel the case.




3Somer is a threesome dating app. The state with the most people looking for threesomes? California. In equally shocking news, the sun comes up in the East.



According to the threesome dating app, 3Somer, the top three states looking for threesomes are California, New York and Texas. Florida would be in the top three if you get to count an alligator. West Virginia if you get to count siblings.



There is a dating app for people looking for threesomes, 3Somer. Threesomes are good, guys, it gives your woman someone to sympathize with her and to tell jokes about you.



Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for sexting a 15-year-old girl. Weiner says the judge threw the book at him because he is famous. Holy OJ is he an idiot.




Caitlyn Jenner said she thinks her daughter, Kylie, is too young to be pregnant. Of course, getting personal advice from the three-time divorced, two-time family abandoner Caitlyn is like getting dating tips from Bill Cosby.



Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Today Kylie endured the exhaustive process of interviewing the people who will hire her team of nannies.

Kylie Jenner is pregnant. “E” is launching a new show, “Keeping Up with the Sonograms.” 

Kris Jenner is shopping agents for the fetus. In 7 months, Kylie will have to look up the word Labor.



Caitlyn Jenner said she thinks her daughter, Kylie, is too young to be pregnant. Of course, getting personal advice from the three-time divorced Caitlyn is like getting flying tips from Harrison Ford.



Since you asked:


For me, the NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem is an example of the Evelyn Beatrice Hall ass-covering quote, 

“I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” 


Dealing with an opposing Attorney 101:

Their Attorney: “I want to kick you in the nuts.”

Me: “No. You can’t kick me in the nuts.”

Their Attorney: “Well, if you’re not going to let me kick you in the nuts, then give me $100.” 

Me: “No, I am not going to give you $100 and you cannot kick me in the nuts.”

Their Attorney: (Screaming) “Judge, they just turned me down twice.”


Judge: (Scolding) “Did you turn them down twice? That’s not nice.”

The entire Pittsburgh Steeler team sat out the National Anthem. As opposed to the Cleveland Browns, who were there for the anthem and sat out the game.

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Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Today Kylie endured the exhaustive process of interviewing the people who will hire her team of nannies.

Kylie Jenner is pregnant. “E” is launching a new show, “Keeping Up with the Sonograms.” 

Kris Jenner is shopping agents for the fetus. In 7 months, Kylie will have to look up the word Labor.

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In Colo, a woman jogger dubbed “The Mad Pooper” who has been terrorizing a neighborhood by defecating on lawns. She could be arrested for indecent behavior. On the bright side, she is next in line as the White House Communications Director.

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With all the NFL players ramping up their anthem protests this week, it made me wonder what outspoken Oakland Raider, Marshawn Lynch, was going to do? Possibly recreate the death scene from “Carmen”? 

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The Denver Broncos are 2-1 under QB, Trevor Siemian. Siemian is from that quarterback factory, Northwestern. The best quarterback from Northwestern before Siemian was the Jugs ball machine.

Prior to Siemian, the greatest QB from Northwestern was Otto Graham who played in 1945. For Northwestern students, that was before the cell phone was in use.

Since you asked:

As a die-hard Cubs fan, I grew up genuinely disliking the New York Mets. When I was but a wee child, the Cubs lost to the Mets in 1969 after leading the entire season, there was some jerk at Mets games who had a sign with stencils and he personified what rude jerks Mets fans were.

But all that changed when I moved to New York City in 1983. After seeing Mets fans up close in their natural habitat, I realized I did not dislike Mets fans. 

I despised Mets fans. 

When I made a new-to-New York rookie mistake and wore a Cubs hat to a Mets game, cowards threw beer at me when my back was turned. There were too much of pussies to do it to my face.

Take Chris Christie and merge him with Artie Lange, and that is the consummate Mets fan to me. Loud, obnoxious, sweaty, smelly and raspy heavy breathers with foul breath.

The vilest human being I have ever known was a Wall Street bond trader client of mine who had a face like Godzilla, drank like Rasputin, swore like a satanic pirate and loudly lusted after and accosted all semi-attractive females within sight. 

And she was a die-hard Mets fan named Maureen. 






(Not her real name, but real close)