We jack ballin’ and play callin’ all up in this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Where have we heard that before?
A British children’s author was kicked out a school lecture when he accused fellow author J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter character of being gay. Harry Potter denied being gay, in fact, he announced that he is in love with Katie Holmes.


Ouch
A woman is suing her doctor, because he tricked her into having sex by telling her that it would cure her back problems. You think she’s mad? You should see the guy he treated for hemorrhoids.

Eww
Tom Cruise and his fiancée, actress Katie Holmes, are expecting a baby. It was kind of awkward, however, today Michael Jackson asked Tom for his turkey baster back.

Just wait until Katie goes into labor and Tom tells her he doesn’t believe in pain killers and epidurals.

The couple said that, if it’s a boy, they are going to name the baby after the father: David Crosby.

Tom Cruise and his fiancée, actress Katie Holmes wedding is coming up soon. Tom is very excited, he plans to write his own wedding rant.

Odd
The weirdest thing happened to me. I stopped my car to take a picture of the Hollywood sign, and Lindsay Lohan crashed her Mercedes into me.

Might have guessed
This week USA Today published a list of the most dangerous areas in America for children to walk. The worst? Walking in front of the Neverland Ranch.

Uh, no, Jessica, that’s not, oh forget it
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have reportedly filed for a divorce. When asked if there was any chance of a reconciliation, Jessica replied; “No, I’ve never believed in plastic surgery.”

Dr. Phil of it
Not a winnerDr. Phil being sued by three people who claim that his diet plan is a waste of money and doesn’t work. In addition, many people are not exactly thrilled with Dr. Phil’s hair care program.

This right here is how it gonna go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Going batty
Scientists claim that the Sars virus comes from bats and recommends that people avoid contact with bats. Kind of like the Los Angeles Dodgers did all season long.


It’s about time
After eight decades, Russia is considering finally burying the body of Vladimir Lenin. If it works we may use the same procedure to finally bury Cher.


Go Red
For the second time this year, a reportedly speeding Lindsay Lohan crashed into a vehicle of paparazzi photographers. On the bright side, this gave Lindsay the idea for her next sequel: “Herbie Fully Imploded.”


Apparently Lindsay was in a hurry to get to her lesson at the Billy Joel School of Driving.

The good news is that Billy Joel and Lindsay Lohan are working on an album combining their greatest hits.

Good news
Have you seen the ABC hit show “Lost”? I don’t want to give anything away, but the big rumor is that on this season of “Lost” U2’s Bono finally finds what he’s been looking for.

Fit for a King
Rodney King was arrested once again this time for assault. After the arrest, King met with the press and said; “Can we all get a long rap sheet?”

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
Of his Supreme Court nominee, President Bush said “Harriet Mier shares my philosophy.” Embarrassingly, Bush added; “We played softball and, for a skinny gal, that Harriet can throw with a lot of philosophy.”


Since you asked:
As it is my happy duty to keep up with all the top monologues, I stayed watching after my TiVo’d Conan’s monologue and saw part of his interview with Matthew McConaughey, and as weird as his hair is, it is the least weird part about that clown. There are not enough whacks in the word whacko to describe that guy. Odd, goofy, spacey, stoned, off, eerie, creepy, silly, greasy, you name it, he’s got it all.

Also, this McConaughey guy is a serious S talker to the annoyance degree. You know the S talkers? Not a lisp, it is way more affected than an accidental speech impediment. You know, the way they say sssshhhhhtreet instead of street? J.Lo is a notorious S talker.

Sean Connery is an S talker but it works for him. He’s got that way of talking that makes him always sound like he’s chewing on a nice juicy ssssteak, but he gets a passssss. He’s Ssssscottissssh, he’s really cool and he was Jamesssss Frickin’ Bond for the love of decency. McConaughey gets no pass. He’s just annoying.

Matthew works so hard at letting everyone know he’s down to earth. Yeah, we know, you have a trailer and you like to stay in trailer parks. Listen, I saw that thing. It is an incredibly plush and tricked out Air Stream that a studio gave you to promote a movie, down to earth boy.

Who, exactly, gets to decide that dorbs (my new word for combination dork and boob) like him and Keanu Reeves and Brendan Frasier get to be not only movie stars but also action heroes? Brad Pitt? I get. George Clooney? Great even with that cutesy head tilt thing. Colin Ferrill? OK, but barely. Colin’s one more run-the-hand-through-the-thick, lustrous-hair-and-then-scowl away from being a dorb. But Tobey Maguire as a super hero? Loved him as Red Pollard in “Sea Biscuit” but come on.

People, people, people, we can do better than this.

(Polite golf-like applause)

We getting’ it done on the run under the gun up in here, ahhh'ight Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Two new terms
Two new words have been added to Webster’s dictionary: Chick-flick and Bikini-wax. Both terms apply to the upcoming “When Harry Met Sally” sequel, “When Harry Met a Hairy Sally.”

Two new words have been added to Webster’s dictionary: Chick-flick and Bikini-wax. Both terms apply to the new Julia Roberts “Pretty Woman” sequel “Pretty Furry Woman.”

A bad sign
Rumor has it that President Bush is drinking again. I think it’s true, a few days ago Bush wanted to nominate Jack Daniels to the Supreme Court.

Get it?
Rumor has it that President Bush is drinking again. You know his Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers? Bush meant to nominate one of the Marriot heirs, yeah, from the hotel family.

A quick study
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies from the last 20 years and determined that the movies lack messages about safe sex. That and that Angelina Jolie is dreamy.


A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that movies lack messages about safe sex. Who has the nerve to come up with these studies? “Yes, I’d like a grant to study the effects of alcohol intake on sex with super models.”


Not for the long haul
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis. Paris didn’t feel she could commit to a long term relationship like Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney could.


Oy vey, exciting
This week was the Jewish New Year. It was exciting, in New York thousands of people huddled in Times Square to watch the Matzah ball drop.

Where did that time go?
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the OJ Simpson verdict. Man, time flies when you set a double murderer free.

We gonna jack it up ‘till we stack it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paris, Paris, Paris
Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis saying she just isn’t ready. Apparently Parish thought the word forsaking in forsaking all others meant something else entirely.


Paris said she wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a full time skank.

Paris wasn’t prepared to give up her career as a . . . whatever the hell she is.

Paris Hilton has broken off her engagement to Paris Latsis. I guess I’ll have to take back their wedding present of the embroidered bath towels with His and Whores.

FEMA qualified
In a scientific breakthrough, scientists observed a gorilla using a stick to measure how deep a river was before crossing. Do you realize what this means? A gorilla could replace FEMA head Mike Brown.

P.C.U.
The University of North Dakota has been ordered by the NCAA to ditch its nickname, the Fighting Sioux. They are going to change it to the more politically correct: The University of North Dakota Fighting Off-A-Cold.

Quite a record
Today is the 10th anniversary of OJ Simpson’s double murder acquittal. When informed, OJ said, “Wow, it’s been a whole decade since I murdered anyone? That’s pretty damn good.”


Not the head ref
In Dayton Ohio, a legless high school football player, Bobby Martin, was sidelined because a referee ruled Martin couldn’t play without shoes. That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a hat even though he clearly doesn’t have any brains.

or
That is ridiculous, nobody said that referee had to wear a jock even though he clearly doesn’t have any testicles.

Let’s go ‘roiding now, everybody’s learning how
A pro surfer, Neco Padaratz, was suspended for testing positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when Padaratz flew into a steroid-induced rage and beat the crap out of a great white shark.

New Research down under
A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that the movies lack messages about safe sex; the researchers also determined that, by getting paid to watch movie sex scenes, they pulled off the greatest scam in medical research.

A group of Australian researchers examined sex scenes from movies for the last 20 years and determined that movies lack messages about safe sex. Who has the nerve to come up with these studies? “Yes, I’d like a grant to study the effects of alcohol intake on sex with super models.”


We have some new official members of a special feature all the good people here at a.L.B.B. like to call:

Lex doesn’t get

Hummers. Oh, sure, go for the cheap “married guys don’t get Hummers” joke.

Matthew McConaughey. This guy is in the Lex Doesn’t Get league with Keanu Reeves.

Matthew McConaughey’s hair. Something ain’t right there.

New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick’s entire wardrobe. I also dress like a slob on Sundays but not when I am going to be on national television.

How Ski Resorts and Potpourri and Figurine shops stay in business. I mean I know lift tickets are pricey, but the cost of all the lifts and groomers and the lodge and all the staff? It is my contention that most Potpourri and Figurine shops are actually fronts for the CIA.

“SNL’s” Heratio Sans. He doesn’t even look like he wants to be on the show. He reads off the cue cards like he is reluctantly paying off a bet. Throw a rock at any Open Mike night and you will hit someone funnier than this guy.

The golf bet the Five dollar Nassau. It sounds very sophisticated and classy like something James Bond does, but I don’t get it.

How battle ships and aircraft carriers float. You can explain water displacement until you are blue in the face and it ain’t going to explain to me how all that metal stays on top of the water.