What we done is got about all kinds of category five nasty up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(No kidding, if you are offended by "edgier" material, stop now. The good people here at a.l.b.b. must have gotten into the clam dip or something. They’re minds are in the drug store)

Weapons of Mass-turbation
The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. I missed something, are we at war against pornography? If so a lot of people around here are in trouble for fraternizing with the enemy.

Something tells me the war against pornography will feature a lot of hand-to-hand combat.

When you declare war against pornography, it’s very important to strike the first blow.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. That’s just what we need, another war that sucks.

The FBI is recruiting an anti-obscenity task force to fight the war against pornography. Bill Clinton has volunteered to fight the war against pornography. He’s going to specialize in reconnaissance

Knew it sounded familiar
In “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” Martha’s firing catch phrase is “You just don’t fit. Goodbye” Isn't that what Paris Hilton said to the guy at the end of her sex video?

Paris in gear
In Beverly Hills, Paris Hilton was pulled over by police for erratic driving. Police became suspicious when they saw Paris was in her car not having sex with someone.

In Beverly Hills, Paris Hilton was pulled over by police for erratic driving. It was serious, the police pulled their guns and said; “OK, Miss, pull over and get off of the stick shift.”

Oh goody
Fertility researchers in England say they have discovered a way to turn sperm bright green. That’s great news, guys. Now we can say we come in different colors.

English fertility researchers say they’ve discovered a way to turn sperm bright green. In addition, it was discovered that these English fertility researchers have too much time on their hands.

Time off
The latest rumor from Washington is that Al Gore wants to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic Presidential nomination. That does depend, however, if Gore can get the time off from his manager at Blockbuster Video.


Which is more damaging, the hurricane or the oil companies?
People wonder if the threat of hurricane Rita will cause oil prices to rise. As far as the oil companies are concerned about gas prices, Rita stands for: Raise It ‘Till Astronomical.


Oil companies are criminally shameless about coming up with lame excuses for raising gas prices. “What? They just discovered over 100 billion barrels worth of crude oil? Do you know how much money it will take to refine that? Sorry, we need to raise gas prices again.”


A first
Martin Scorcese has directed a documentary about Bob Dylan with Bob Dylan doing the narrating. It’s ground breaking because it is the first film to feature subtitles for the subtitles.


Same thing
The fancy French store Hermes has apologized to Oprah for not staying open for her after hours. It’s the same thing Popeyes Fried Chicken had to do to for Star Jones.

Not all bad
Skinny model Kate Moss has been losing jobs over the pictures of her snorting cocaine. On the bright side she’s been invited to appear on “The Bobby Brown” show.

Come on and lace us up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Eww
VP Dick Cheney is scheduled to undergo arterial knee surgery. Cheney’s not a young guy, they discovered the problem with Cheney’s knee when they were down there checking his scrotum.

Eww, 2
A Chinese rubber company is making condoms called Clinton and Lewinski. Is it really a good idea to name a condom after a guy who once ruined an entire blue dress?

Eww, 3
A Chinese rubber company is making condoms called Clinton and Lewinski. The Clinton condom has an additional feature, because of Hillary: it prevents freezer burn.

Numbers don’t lie
According to a U.S. study, 10% of women do not wash their hands after going to the bathroom but 25% of men who don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. In a related story, I will now stop shaking hands with 100% of people.

We kid the Howard
On her talk show, Tyra Banks had her breasts examined and it was determine that they were real. In addition, on his radio show, Howard Stern had his prostate checked and it was determined he really is an ass.

Or

On her talk show, Tyra Banks had her breasts examined and it was determine that they were real. Let’s hope and pray that Dr. Phil doesn’t get the same idea.

Huh?
The National Enquirer reports that, after 19 years of sobriety, President Bush is drinking again. And you thought Bush talked funny before?

That bad
Did you see the dramatic Jet Blue plane landing at LAX with the twisted nose wheel? It was so scary it nearly sobered the pilot right up.

Did you see the dramatic Jet Blue plane landing at LAX with the twisted nose wheel? The pilot was amazing. He was as precise and accurate as a flight attendant hitting a knee cap with a beverage cart.

And Dongs Dongs and Fritos and Cheetos and things of that nature
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill banning junk food in schools. It’s part of Arnold’s long term plan to get rid of all Twinkies that started back with dumping Gray Davis.

You just don’t fit
Martha Stewart’s “Apprentice” debuted last night. It was pretty wild especially that scene where Martha gave that jailhouse snitch a savage beat down.

Martha might be the only person in the world who can be described as ruthlessly polite. Who else gives handwritten “You’re fired” notes? What’s next? An origami pink slip?

I don’t want to say that Martha seems cold and distant but she gives Hillary Clinton the shivers.

Somehow I can’t imagine Martha Stewart trying to talk nasty during sex. “Oh, affirmative, affirmative. Oh my Deity, You guitar-and-drums-driven-music my world.”

Martha’s lingo is rife with politically correct expressions like “you didn’t fail, you just didn’t fully succeed.” That’s like telling someone that they aren’t getting strangled, they’re just breathing impaired.

Oh, we on it on’r than you think, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I see dead people
Jennifer Love Hewitt stars in a show called “The Ghost Whisperer” where she plays someone who can talk to people who are not alive. In the next show she talks to the Los Angeles Dodgers.

For starters
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he has made mistakes in the past. Like, for example, how he pronounces California.

Saw this one coming, so to speak
A Chinese rubber company is making condoms called Clinton and Lewinski. The Clinton condoms are top quality, but, unfortunately, the Lewinski condom really sucks.

Not good
Dick Cheney is scheduled to undergo precautionary arterial knee surgery. It is getting bad: even Cheney’s knees are having heart attacks.

Makes sense
Dick Cheney is scheduled to undergo precautionary arterial knee surgery. They won’t make an incision on his knee, they’ll just unzip his chest zipper and go in from there.

That explains it
A female gym teacher in New Jersey was arrested for having sex with three male students. She claims it was an accident, she was just underneath them to help them do push ups.

A female gym teacher in New Jersey was arrested for having sex with three male students. She should fight this, she has strong evidence she didn’t have sex with those boys, namely the fact that she’s a female gym teacher.

A female gym teacher in New Jersey was arrested for having sex with three male students. You know teacher-sex-with-high-school-students is out of control when a female gym teacher has sex with a male. What’s next? A male art teacher doing it with a female student? That’s the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

“Uh, no sir, that’s not, oh forget it”
John Gotti Jr. skated on all racketeering charges. Again, not sure President Bush understands. When told John Gotti Jr. walked on racketeering charges, Bush said; “We will continue to try and arrest all racketeers whether they make illegal rackets for tennis, badminton or squash.”

Wouldn’t work
Now that Kirstie Alley has lost 50 pounds, she says Showtime will probably not renew her show because she is no longer a "Fat Actress." They were going to call it “Fat Actress Made Exceptional” but the initials would spell FEMA and then the show would have been delayed.

.
Ouch
The Los Angeles Times reports that Los Angeles is considering building underground freeways to help alleviate traffic. You thought the gunshots on the freeways were loud now? Wait until they echo underground.

It’s a mojo thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Ain’t gonna get the babes
Hugh Jackman won an Emmy for hosting the Tony Awards. Winning an Emmy for Hosting the Tony Awards is the highest honor you can possibly receive that will never get you anywhere with any woman.

A visual
Dick Cheney is scheduled to undergo precautionary arterial leg surgery. Speaking of Cheney, is it just me or is Cheney more and more like the crabby apple tree from the “Wizard of Oz?”


Hallelujah
A female gym teacher in New Jersey was arrested for having sex with three male students. The only thing more amazing than that a female gym teacher had sex with males? The three guys were from the drama club. It was practically a sexual miracle.

Not a good sign
Courtney Love is being sued for assault, she was sentenced to another rehab. You can tell things are not going great for Courtney Love: she was featured in the Emmy’s dead celebrity montage.

Interesting
Martha Stewart revealed she referred to her prison time as being at Yale. Whereas President Bush thinks of his time at Yale as being in prison.

Riding that train
Kate Moss was dropped from a Swedish clothing ad because of photographs showing her snorting cocaine. Or as supermodels call cocaine: Brunch.

Mean, so mean
Jennifer Anniston appeared on “Oprah” to talk about her failed marriage with Brad Pitt. Jennifer said she is in a good place right now. Of course, Brad is in a better place otherwise known as Angelina Jolie’s bedroom.

Radical procedure
Doctors in Cleveland are going to attempt the very first face transplant. In addition, they are trying to extract FEMA head Mike Brown’s face from inside of his rectum.

He’s outta control
Martha Stewart is starring in two television shows. As a result, Regis Philbin now wants to go to prison for lying about insider trading.

Ask not what you can do
President Bush’s nephew, Florida Gov Jeb Bush’s son was arrested for public intoxication. In addition, the Bush’s also face the lesser charge of impersonating the Kennedy family.

‘Roid rage
Tropical storm Rita has now strengthened into a hurricane. In fact, Rita has become so strong so fast they are going to test it for steroids.

Disaster relief
The Chicago White Sox’s 15 game August lead has now dwindled down to a 2 ½ game lead. If the White Sox lose any more they will have to call in former Presidents Bush and Clinton.


The Chicago White Sox’s 15 game August lead has now dwindled down to a 2 ½ game lead. If the White Sox lose any more of their lead they will automatically turn into the Cubs.

"Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it"
On MSNBC it was revealed that if you Google the word failure, the first thing that pops up is President Bush’s biography. When asked if he knew about Google, President Bush said; “I get all of those Disney characters mixed up, is Google the dog that can or can’t talk?”

Or

On MSNBC is was revealed that if you Google the word failure, the first thing that pops up is President Bush’s biography. When asked if he knew about Google, President Bush said; “I don’t know about them constellations, astronomology was never my thing.”

You up and done flipped me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Huh?
The four month marriage of country singer Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellwegger is over. Zellwegger listed the marriage breakup cause as fraud. Upon hearing that, Liza Minelli said; “You can do that?”

Must Flee TV
“Everybody Loves Raymond” was the big winner at the Emmys last night. Do you know how heavy an Emmy statue is? Neither does NBC.

We kid the womens of New York
The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. In fact, the woman in New York have so much sex they may have to change the city’s nickname from the Big Apple to the Missing Cherry.

Not fair
The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. But that survey wasn’t really fair to Los Angeles, it was taken when Paris Hilton was in Manhattan.

The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. And that’s even including the town of Slutsberg, Ohio.


The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. Guys in Los Angeles are going to run with this: “Come on baby, we don’t want to be number two, do we?”


The New York Post claims women in New York have more sex than women in any other city. You know which city has the least sex? Trenton, New Jersey. Because if you’re in Trenton, you’re already screwed.

How do you spell number two?
A photographer at the U.N. got a shot of a note President Bush wrote to Sec. of State, Condi Rice requesting a bathroom break. The most embarrassing part? Bush spelled potty with an i.

About time
North Korea has agreed to give up their nuclear weapons. And more good news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has decided to lose that goofy toupee.


What was their first clue?
A nephew of Saddam Hussein, Ayman Sabawi, was sentenced to life in prison for funding Iraq’s violent insurgency and for bomb-making; Gosh, I wonder why they suspected him? It couldn’t have been, because, oh I don’t know, he was Saddam Hussein’s nephew?

Getting serious
Parts of southern Florida have been evacuated due to tropical storm Rita. If Rita starts getting any stronger, President Bush and FEMA may have to start working on their excuses right now.


Not looking good
Rumors are swirling about the four month marriage break up of country singer Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellwegger. Now, I don’t want to spread the rumor that Kenny is gay, but lately Kenny has been hanging around Liza Minelli.

The four month marriage of country singer Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellwegger. Zellwegger listed the marriage breakup cause as fraud. Well, that should put an end to all the Chesney is gay rumors.

Since you asked:

Can we list as an official royal pain-in-the-ass every actor who talks about “the work” and their “craft”? Listen up, actors, for the last time: You get obscenely over-paid to play pretend, something that every four-year-old does naturally. Good for you. Stop trying to justify your blind-ass good luck to us. You won the damn job lottery. If we could be movie stars, we all would. Shut up and enjoy it and stop trying to convince us how hard you work or how smart you are.

Truly, I do not care how an actor went about playing a part anymore than I care how the wine got into the bottle. As long as the end result is good, that’s all I care about.

And that’s how we feel about actors voicing their opinion on something they might actually know about, acting. Can you even imagine how much we don’t want to hear their political beliefs?

Let’s play a quick game of;

“Used to be awesome, but now it sucks”

MTV

Air Travel

McDonalds

NFL Films

Ford Mustangs

The expression “Hello?”

FM Stations

Burt Reynolds

Touchdown Celebrations

Basketball Slam Dunks

Towering Home Runs

The expression ;“You go girl”

Crackerjack prizes

“Monday Night Football” opening

USA Olympic Team Warm up suits

Department Stores

Wine corks

Sunday Comics, specifically, “Doonesbury.” (Let’s see, when was the last time somebody saved the world through the message in their cartoon? Oh yeah, never. Lighten up, Gary)

Bill Cosby

Boxing

Tequila Shots

Beer Bongs

New York City cabdrivers

Truck drivers

Chat Rooms

Movies in movie theaters

TV Channels

Pro Tennis

The NBA, specifically the Los Angeles Lakers

VCR’s

Video stores

Music stores

The Kennedys (Living proof children should not get trust funds)

Book stores

Coke commercials

Network News

Phone Operators (All they have to do is push a button and half the time they can’t do that)

Politician’s speeches

Michael Jackson (This feature could be named after him)

Heavy Metal bands

Call Waiting

My Ability to Run Fast and Jump High

Phone manners

Speaker Phones

Faxes

Driving etiquette

The New York Times

Hollywood Squares

And finally, bananas. Not sure if it’s my taste buds that have changed or the way they now freeze and store bananas, but nothing used to be better than a good banana. Now they are, well, blah.

Any suggestions are welcomed.

lexkase@san.rr.com