Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Ready to come about? Hard- a- lee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You can’t start 'em too young
In San Francisco, a lawyer seeks a ban on Oreo cookies for children claiming their trans fats make them too dangerous for kids. Thanks to this, children in San Francisco can now get a crucial head start on learning how to despise lawyers.

What makes them think that?
An Evanston, Ill. health study suggests the alcohol industry may be indirectly targeting underage teenage drinkers in magazines. Like, for example, the commercial that claims; “Drink our beer and Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will totally like you.”

The good ol’ days
“Sixty Minutes” is going to cancel their Bill Clinton Bob Dole debates. Now if Bill Clinton wants sixty minutes, he’ll have to pay the hooker $100 cash upfront like before.

Ding dong revisited
Los Angeles Lakers’ came back from 25 points down, but Robert Horry missed a last second three point shot as the Lakers lose game five, 96-94. Robert Horry is in a slump. The only shot he has hit was the one he took at the Spur’s David Robinson’s family jewels.

Horry’s last second shot went in the basket, banged around but, for some reason, couldn’t go through. Today, Lakers’ coach Phil Jackson ordered an angioplasty done on the rim to unclog it.

All the lies that are fit to print
The New York Times fired a reporter for making up news stories. The guy lied about where he was reporting from, made up sources, betrayed military secrets . . . wait, no, sorry, that was Geraldo Rivera.

How bad is it at the New York Times? Today they hired the fact checker away from the National Enquirer.

You can tell the New York Times is now being extra careful. Today a report that the New York weather was cloudy included the disclaimer; “The opinions in this report are those of the meteorologist, and do not necessarily reflect those of the New York Times.”

New grip
The U.S. Treasury has released a new $20 bill. The new bill has different colors, light green, pale blue and peach. Light green, pale blue and peach? Who is pictured on it, Siegfried and Roy?

Have you seen the new $20 bill? It’s nice, but here is my question: Why does it have Tom Petty’s face on it?

In addition, due to the color changes, the expression to describe a flagrant homosexual has been officially changed to “Gay as a twenty-dollar bill.”

Have you seen the new $20 bill? They re-styled them. I guess the old style twenty just wasn’t moving. Did anyone ever turn down a twenty-dollar bill because they didn’t like how it looked?

One Man Senate Watchdog Committee
Vermont Senator James Jeffords chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter- in-law on Capitol Hill. Jeffords then, of course, immediately gave the wallet back to his daughter in-law, after deducting his customary senatorial surtax.

The teenager claimed he took the wallet as a favor to Jeffords daughter in-law; he merely wanted to change-out her old twenties and replace them with new twenties.

When Jeffords captured the thief, he yelled; “You can’t steal money from the American people, that’s our job.”

Monday, May 12, 2003

Hey, hey, my, my, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In theaters near you
*Ashton Kutcher, star of “Dude Where’s My Car?” blabbed to Rolling Stone that he partied hard with the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara. Look for Kutcher’s next movie; “Dude, I’m Being Audited.”

Good marketing move
*Evangelist Reverend Billy Graham is expected to draw over 100,000 people for his appearance at Qualcom stadium in San Diego, Saturday. Upon hearing this, the Dixie Chicks changed their name to the Billy Graham Chicks.

I knew she looked familiar
*Did you see the picture of fired Alabama coach Mike Price’s favorite exotic dancer, Lora “Destiny” Boudreaux? Who did she look like? Have you seen the commercial with the Wiemaraner-dog in the blonde wig? Bingo.

Did you see the picture of fired Alabama coach Mike Price’s favorite dancer, Lora “Destiny” Boudreaux? He shouldn’t be fired for going to a strip club, he should be fired for choosing her.

*Friday was a must-win game for the 0-2 Los Angeles Lakers in their best-of seven playoffs against the San Antonio Spurs. How serious was this? Some of the Laker fans are actually considered arriving before the second quarter.

It’s serious, some of the L.A. fans may actually watch the games instead of checking-out who is checking out them.

You know Jack Nicholson will be at the Laker game tonight. IF it is true, if Hollywood is like high school with money, than Jack Nicholson is that cool guy who is throwing the cool-kids-who-smoke party after the basketball game.

King took the class out of class action
*In New York, attorneys for Lennox Lewis filed a $385 million suit against Don King claiming King interfered to stop a Lewis - Mike Tyson match, including using death threats. In addition, King is the subject of a class action suit by the barber’s union objecting to King’s hairstyle.

So that’s where those come from
The theory claims that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, they will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare. Well, researches in England gave six monkeys one computer for a month, but they didn’t exactly type any Shakespeare. But they did a sitcom for the W.B. Network.

PETA pumkin’ eattah
*PETA has offered the German city of Hamburg $10,000 if they change their name to Veggie Burg. OK, I get it, PETA has hired a comedy writer as its spokesperson, right? You got us, PETA, good one.

An anonymous spokesperson from Hamburg said they would change their name to Veggie Burg, if they agree to change their name from PETA: People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals to PITA, Pains In The Ass.