Oh it so gonna go do

Oh, it so gonna go down low and slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Mean, so mean
It’s that time of year. How many are going to see “The Nutcracker” this year? How many have already heard Hillary Clinton speak?


Bush league
It’s being predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy; this is also the first time the words Bush and overwhelming vote-getter have ever appeared together.


It’s being predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy; this makes Reggie the first Bush to be elected who has an exit strategy.


Back in the Bush
Is USC’s Reggie Bush going to win the Heisman trophy? Does Nicole Richey look like a bug in her goofy huge sunglasses? The Heisman vote will be the easiest election any Bush has won without the benefit of going against John Kerry.


Groan
Rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are interested in getting Reggie Bush but, as they are further back in the NFL draft, it would probably cost them at least two top players to trade for the first draft pick. In other words, for the Eagles, a Bush in hand is worth two of their birds.


Study period
In Florida, a Judge did not approve the plea deal that would have kept hot blonde teacher Debra Lafave out of jail for having sex with her high school student. Lafave’s attorney had argued that Lafave was too pretty to go to prison. A move that did not endear her to Martha Stewart.


In Florida, a Judge did not approve the deal that would have kept hot blonde teacher Debra Lafave out of jail for having sex with her high school student. The high school student she had sex with is currently serving his sentence of hearing his buddies endlessly asking; “Dude, tells us about it again.””


Motown Madness
Residents of Detroit, are not happy with the choice of the Rolling Stones as the halftime band for their Super Bowl XL; they feel that the halftime show should represent the sounds of Detroit. So apparently they want the show to consist of sirens, broken glass, gunshots and screams.


Hot for teacher
In Florida, a Judge did not approve the plea deal that would have kept teacher Debra Lafave out of jail for having sex with her high school student. Now Lafave faces the possibility of life as a sexy, blue-eyed, beautiful blonde with angry female prisoners who want to punish her for what she did. And to see that, my credit card number is 456-9876-2345, expiration, 10-07.


In Florida, a Judge did not approve the plea deal that would have kept teacher Debra Lafave out of jail for having sex with her high school student. Now Lafave faces the possibility of life as a beautiful, sexy, blue-eyed blonde jailed with angry female prisoners who want to punish her for what she did . . . huh? Oh, sorry, got lost there for a second. What were we talking about?


Oops
Many rappers are joining the cause to lift the death sentence of four-time-murderer Randy “Tookie” Williams. I’m just waiting for some rapper to say; “OK, sure, so Tookie’s killed a few people, but, come on, who hasn’t? Oops, uh, did I just say that out loud? Heh, my bad.”

In other words
At his trial in Iraq, Saddam Hussein told the judge to go to hell; or as people in Iraq call hell: a promotion.


No, seriously
While recovering from a concussion, Miami Dolphin QB Gus Frerotte says friends in the NFL call to test his memory asking if Gus remembers he owes them $500. That’s pretty funny. Apropos of nothing, anyone know how I can get Terry Bradshaw’s phone number?

Something new
Tom Cruise told “Entertainment Weekly” that he would buck tradition and would see Katie Holmes in her wedding dress before their wedding. Afterwards, Cruise can’t wait to get Katie out of her wedding dress. Tom’s never tried on a wedding dress before.


That should teach her
It’s reported that Britney Spears is so angry at Kevin Federline that she took back his $200,000 Ferrari. Kevin replied he didn’t care, he would open a lemonade stand and make enough money to buy a new Ferrari, so there.


It’s reported that Britney Spears is so angry at Kevin Federline that she took back his $200,000 Ferrari. Well, that’s just great, now how is Kevin supposed to get to that job he doesn’t have?

Not quick
The Organization of Islamic Conference opened with a call to stop violent Islamic extremism; gosh, fellas, what’s the hurry? These guys make FEMA seem faster than Ninja Warriors.


First clue
The staunchly anti-gay-rights mayor of Spokane, Washington, James West, has been recalled after admitting using city computers to pick up gay men on the Internet. They suspected West was cruising gay men on the Internet when he kept downloading iTunes songs from Clay Aiken.


Since you asked:
Most people are capable of understanding that movie stars and or famous people are real people too, but it is hard to generate much sympathy or compassion when we constantly get fed crap by the Hollywood spin doctors. “Oh, no, Jessica and Nick are doing fine.” And, “No, Brad and Angelina are not a couple” And, “Everyone on the set of “Desperate Housewives” loves one another.” And “Michael Moore does not have an extensive goat porn collection.”


Fact is, we love rumors about celebrities, the juicier the better. Is that fair, especially when the rumor isn’t true? Well, no, but the celebrities have nobody to blame but their fellow liars, err, I mean celebrities. As the public, if we don’t like someone we are likely to want to believe nasty rumors, if we do like them, we want to believe the good stuff. I know a perfectly nice and calm friend who almost dove across the dinner table to strangle me when I made a joke about the rumor of her beloved Saint Oprah being testy to her staff.


Strident blonde conservative Ann Coulter is not my thing for the same reason that smelly slob contrarian Michel Moore is not my thing. For both of them, it isn’t about getting an issue right or wrong, or spreading messages they think will help; they are both simply egotistical publicity whores and bullies masquerading as political experts. (Although, if I had to choose, Ann has a better sense of humor and a better sense of style than does Moore, but then, who doesn’t?)


Having said that, Ann Coulter was shouted down by students during her speech at the University of Connecticut. Why? Because many of them hated her and what she was saying. Who hated Ann Coulter and what she was saying? One student in particular, Eric Knudson, was interviewed who hated Ann and her speech. Who was Eric? He was the head of a campus group called “Students Against Hate.”


Death to all fanatics.

We old schooln it up

We old school’n it up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Getting up there, Chuck
Wednesday night was the 40th anniversary of the “Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” You can tell Charlie Brown is getting up there. He’s really not fooling anyone with that bad comb over.


Wednesday night was the 40th anniversary of the ‘Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” You can tell Charlie Brown is getting up there. Now to upset Charlie Brown, instead of pulling away the football, Lucy hides Charlie’s Viagra.


Janice Hough’s
There are talks underway to get a professional football team in Los Angeles. If this works, who knows, they may try to get a professional baseball team in Dodger Stadium.

If Los Angeles gets an NFL team, the name should reflect the city. Like the LA Drivebye Shooters, or the Los Angeles Botoxers, or how about the L.A. High Speed Chasers?


My personal favorite name for the new Los Angeles NFL team is the LA Botoxers. Their motto? “We’ve always got our game face on.”



Not since then
The San Diego Padres have signed ace reliever Trevor Hoffman. There hasn’t been anyone named Trevor this happy since England legalized same sex marriage.



Hate to hear that
The White House and Laura Bush have produced a holiday video featuring first dogs Barney and Miss Beazley called, “It’s a Very Beazley Christmas.” Unfortunately, during the video, Barney had an accident. Barney needed to go out but, sadly, President Bush didn’t have an exit strategy.



Peddle your butt around
Cadillac has launched its own line of quality bicycles. This is the perfect Holiday gift for that pimp on your list who has a ‘ho on the go.



“I’m outta control”
Lindsay Lohan blew off an appearance on “Live with Regis and Kelly” Tuesday morning. I haven’t seen Regis this mad since Kathy Lee tried to slip him a decaf latte.





Big deal. Who isn’t?
“Sports Illustrated” had an article on Olympic mogul gold medal favorite, Jeremy Bloom, who is also a potential great NFL receiver and he is also a buffed-out Ford Agency swimsuit model. Poor guy, we should try and cheer him up and get him a puppy.


“Sports Illustrated” had an article on Olympic mogul gold medal favorite, Jeremy Bloom, who is also a potential great NFL receiver and he is also a buffed-out Ford Agency swimsuit model. Wow. Me too.


Asta la vista, lunch
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to be admitted to a hospital yesterday due to a rapid heart beat brought on by stomach flu; Arnold is OK, but that stomach flu really hit him hard. Every time he left the toilet Arnold said; “I’ll be back."


Get it?
Saddam Hussein told the judge to go to hell; Saddam’s lawyer objected, if the judge went to hell, he would be leading the defendant.



Gitty Up
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” features a love scene between the lead gay cowboy characters played by Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger; not to give too much information away, but their love scene brings a new meaning to term: riding bare back.



Since you asked:

It pains me to bring bad news to anyone, but I have to say it is official: I am off Lindsay Lohan’s bandwagon. She’s young, she’ll probably get over it.


Saw the TiVo replay of her appearance last night on the Conan and she is way too much of a bratch. What’s a bratch? Combination brat and bitch. And not just because yesterday she snubbed my girl, Kelly Ripa. No, I grew up in an area that was rife with bratchs, and I can spot one a mile away no matter how phony they appear trying to play nice on a talk show.


The problem with bratchs is that when they get older, they can’t be brats anymore so they have no choice but to fill that void by doubling up on the other part. A former bratch is a nightmare to behold. There was this one girl I dated who I could never figure out. Was she great or a bitch? When we were alone, she was great. When we were around her friends, she was a bitch. During college we became closer and I decided she was really nice. So what is she, a nice girl who gets bitchy or a bitch who can pretend to be nice? Then I saw her at our high school reunion. Guess what? She is a bitch who can occasionally be nice.


Contrary-wise – as Ellsworth on “Deadwood” says – saw that Jennifer Anniston interview replayed on the Letterman and man oh man, she is the real deal, that one. Anyone who has a problem with Jennifer Anniston, well, it says a whole lot more about you than it does her. Smart, talented, funny, sexy, seems very nice despite impossible odds from being so famous. Jennifer Anniston is living proof that cute can go into beautiful. Jennifer? Cute and beautiful. Angelina? Beautiful, but not cute.  With whom would you rather take a long train trip, Jennifer or Angelina? No question, Jen-Jen, as I like to call her.

Hey, you asked.

Rub some nasty on it

Rub some nasty on it and throw down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Everyone who isn’t a publicity whore skank take a step forward, not so fast Anna
Former stripper Anna Benson, is furious because she claims the New York Mets are looking to trade her husband, Kris, because she, Anna, tried – but failed - to pose in “Playboy.” Yeah, that is it, Anna. Everyone knows how much people in baseball hate to look at naked, slutty women.


They don’t have to worry
Jennifer Anniston is threatening to sue paparazzi who have a photo of her sunbathing topless. Why is this so hard for celebrities to understand? If you are topless outdoors, someone is going to take a picture of your breasts. Unless you’re Michael Moore or Camilla Parker Bowles.


Yikes
New York declared yesterday King Kong day including an over twenty-foot replica of King Kong in Times Square. It shocked many New Yorkers, they thought it was the biggest rat they’d ever seen.


New York declared yesterday King Kong day including an over twenty-foot replica of King Kong in Times Square. Even the Times Square hookers were into it: they offered a fifty dollar banana special.


Sheesh
Ricky Martin is going to perform at CBS’s “Victoria Secret’s Secret Fashion Show”.  Why? That’s more of a waste than appointing Michael Jackson host of Karaoke at the Playboy Mansion.


Good, Mr. President
Afghanistan announced they have killed one of the top al Qaeda leaders; on the news they announced he ranked between the number three and the number five leaders. Or as President Bush calls that: This many (Four fingers)

Hate to see that
Companies and governments are afraid to use the term Christmas tree, they have to call them the P.C. term: Holiday Tree. Political correctness is ruining other parts of the holidays. Now the “The Grinch That Stole Christmas” is “The Grinch That Allegedly Confiscated the Holidays.”


Companies and governments are afraid to use the term Christmas tree, they have to call them the P.C. Holiday Tree. Political correctness is ruining other parts of the holidays. Now the Christmas movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” is now “It’s a Sufficiently Adequate Life.”


Companies and governments – including the White House - are afraid to use the term Christmas tree, they have to use the P.C. Holiday Tree. This is effecting other parts of the holidays now Chanukah is referred to as: The Jewish Holiday-you-can-never-spell-or-pronounce-correctly.



Why fire him?
In college football, Tom Craft was fired by San Diego State after a 19-29 four-year record. That’s hardly fair. All he did was lose and he got fired? Craft didn’t take bribes, go bankrupt or accept any illegal funds from strip clubs, he just lost. In San Diego that’s called: over-achieving.  


You really can’t blame them
Elton John and his longtime lover, David Furnish, are getting married at the same place Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles, Guildhall, Windsor. Elton wanted a venue that had experience marrying same sex couples.


Pimp your pedals
Cadillac has launched a line of quality bicycles; they are nice, in fact, for Cadillac’s sake, they might be too nice: people are calling the new Cadillac’s bike the Rolls Royce of bikes.


Cadillac has launched a line of quality bicycles; this is the perfect holiday gift for pimps who have a ‘Ho on the go.


Of course he is
The Reverend Al Sharpton is getting his own sitcom on CBS; in fact, the pilot is a Holiday special called “I’m Dreaming of a Whitey Christmas.”


Since you asked:
As a proud American male, I am becoming increasingly insulted by the biased portrayal of men in sports commercials as mindless babe-lusting, truck-drooling beer-guzzling idiots. It is nothing less than both hypocritical as well as sexist. Try this typecasting with females and the National Organization of Women will slap you with a law suit faster than you can say: overly-caffeinated psycho soccer mom.


Take, for example, the cell phone ad that runs during many sports events that stereotypically depicts two male jamokes, in the middle of a near nuclear plant meltdown no less, heatedly arguing an incredibly inane debate on whether the Bacon Lettuce and Tomato sandwich should or should not include mayonnaise in its title. That ad is as insulting as it is demeaning.


Everyone knows the mayonnaise is implied. You go to a thousand diners and order a thousand BLTs and that puppy is coming with the bread toasted and with the mayonnaise on it every time, my friend. You no wanna the Mayo? You best say so, Amigo. Besides, you don’t call a bacon cheeseburger a bacon cheeseburger ketchup just because somebody added ketchup. Do you have to specify a sausage and tomato sauce pizza? No. Condiments and sauces, although crucial to sandwiches and pizzas, do not get billing, period.


(Polite applause)


I hope this will forever debunk the image of sports-loving guys as jamoke beer-soaked knuckleheads who waste valuable work time in useless and silly moronic arguments.


This editorial has been brought to you by the people at Miller Lite. Tastes great. Less Filling.  

This just in:

Ex- stripper Anna Benson, is furious at the New York Mets, she claims they are looking to trade her pitcher husband, Kris, because she tried – but failed - to pose in “Playboy.” Anna Benson refers to herself as a celebrity. Now, I have nothing against strippers, lord knows I helped put a few through medical school – what? They told me they were going to medical school. They didn’t lie, did they? – but being an ex-stripper does not qualify one as a celebrity. Being a rich brain-dead, talent-less uber-skank ala Paris Hilton? Now that qualifies you as a celebrity. Anna, sweetheart, love yah babe, but go make a grainy sex video and then get back to us, koo koo.

That be so ill it don’t need no pill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Brrrrrr
Man, it is cold back east. People are shaking like a Randy “Duke” Cunningham campaign contributor.


Man., it was cold last night. 45 degrees? I was shaking like a Randy “Duke” Cunningham watching HBO’s prison series “OZ”.


We kid the Stones
The big fear of the halftime show at the Super Bowl? A Rolling Stones wardrobe malfunction. What kind of wardrobe malfunction could the Rolling Stones have? Well, Depends.


The big fear of the halftime show at the Super Bowl? Will the Rolling Stones have a wardrobe malfunction? Here’s the bad news: Keith Richards, like Janet Jackson, wears a gold sun nipple ornament. The good news? Keith tucks the nipple ornament down his pants.



Oh, now, don’t be like that
Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. It’s the only watch that can tell you when it’s Sixty Nine O’Clock.


Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. This watch is so accurate it tells you with in one one thousandth of a second when it’s time to have sex.


Paris Hilton has a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. Unlike Timex, this watch takes a lickin’ and keeps on taking a lickin’.


Scorched
Soccer legend George Best, whose funeral was held Saturday in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was a notorious boozer and womanizer. How notorious a boozer and womanizer? When they cremated Best, forty ex-Playboy bunnies, and twenty former super models were scorched by the inferno.


Soccer legend George Best, whose funeral was held Saturday in Belfast, Northern Ireland, was a notorious boozer and womanizer. How much of a boozer and womanizer? Before Best could sleep with a ten, he had to drink her into a twelve.



Not believable
This week, a cable station is showing a movie about the love affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, and it’s getting bad reviews. Apparently they didn’t think Janet Reno did a good job playing Camilla.



That’s not good
It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline this week and once again threw him out of the house. It’s serious, Kevin had to get a ride back from another house.


It’s been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and once again threw him out of the house. Britney isn’t sure Kevin is mature enough to be a dad. After their baby Sean Preston passed out after his feeding, Kevin shaved off his eyebrows.


Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and threw him out of the house and now Kevin is staying at the Beverley Hills Hotel; when asked to comment, Kevin Federline said; “This room rocks Adult Spectra Vision. Dude, I like call it Spankter Vision.”


Who knew?
This week, NBC announced they’re going to take the show “Joey” off the air until after the Olympics. That is shocking. “Joey” is still on the air?


New Motto
Due to dirty political bribery scandals, San Diego has dropped their slogan as “America’s Finest City” Now San Diego’s slogan is “Act casual then drop the envelope in this folded newspaper.”


Hate to hear that
Last week, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner gave birth to a baby girl. Sadly, like all things Ben produces, the baby is expected to fail miserably at the box office and languish in video stores.


Good one
The medals at the upcoming Torino, Italy 2006 Olympics will have a big hole in the middle of them; they got the idea from listening to ESPN’s Michael Irvin’s crack pipe possession alibi.


Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
This year, President Bush sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. 203 if you count the cards Bush sent to the countries of Europe, Scandinavia and South America.


Sorta kinda
You know what happened on this date in 1933? We voted to end prohibition. You know which state ratified it? Utah. That’s like Nevada voting for prayer in school.



Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it II
It was kind of embarrassing when CBS gave President Bush an advanced screening of “Pope John Paul II” starring Jon Voight, Bush said; Wow, did you know that Pope John Paul II had a hot daughter named Angelina Jolie?”

Signs you may be pu

Signs you may be putting on weight this holiday season:



Emeril Lagasse tells you: “Lay off the pork fat, lard ass.”


You notice a local news crew filming you but only from the neck down.


Santa asks to sit in your lap.


When putting up the Christmas lights you begin to sweat gravy.


Tyra Banks asks if people are mean to you when you’re wearing your fat suit.


You’re constantly asked if the baby will be born on Christmas day but you’re not pregnant.


You order a triple burger with a side of fudge for dippin.’


That fat know-it-all Dr. Phil puts you on his damn diet


You get exhausted writing a “Signs you may be putting on weight this holiday season” list.


This isn’t a putting-on-weight thing, but could those Dr. Scholl “Jellin’” commercials be any lamer?


Kevin Federline took a nap on you because he thought you were a couch.


And the main sign you may have put on weight this holiday season:


You’ve cashed in your Frequent Turducken Buyer’s Card.

Since you asked, abridged Holiday version:

Let me ask you this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers: Do you think Hoobastank has had a Turducken?

We loves us some som

We loves us some some up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Thursday night Oprah was on Dave. And Paris was on Aaron, Chuck, Stan and Louie
Thursday, for the first time in 16-years, Oprah was on Dave. And also last night, for the first time in 16 years, Bill was on Hillary.



Double the fun
“The Dukes of Hazard” is out on DVD. It is rumored that Jessica Simpson used a butt double for the movie: a substitute model for the close up shots of her butt. That’s not unusual in Hollywood, a lot of actresses use a butt double. Except for Jennifer Lopez, she is her own butt double.



What a coincidence
Former Dallas Cowboy-turned-ESPN analyst Michael Irvin, was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, a crack pipe. Irvin said the pipe belonged to a friend. Turns out Irvin’s friend is the same guy who injected steroids into Raphael Palmeiro without telling him.



Not a good look
The FAA announced this week that once again it will be okay to carry scissors and tweezers on-board airplanes. This is good news. Some of those flight attendants were starting to look like Andy Rooney.



You make a dead man . . .
Ex-Mick Jagger wife Jerry Hall will be a spokesperson for an erectile dysfunction drug maker. No word yet if she will get to use the Stones song “Start Me Up.”



Nice touch
One of the hot items on the Sharper Image catalog is a realistic looking and sounding chimp. And, for an extra $100, it will fling real poo.



Helpful
Paris Hilton has come out with a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. The price includes a 1-800 number that you can call to help you read the watch. “OK, now where is the big hand? OK, and the little hand? That would make it five o’clock, Paris. No problem.”


Paris Hilton has come out with a line of diamond and gold watches that start at $100,000. You never have to set the Paris Hilton watch, it is always Sex O’Clock.



P.C.
Because we can’t offend anyone anymore, they now have to call the White House Christmas tree a Holiday tree. Why can’t we just call it the Suck-Up-to-Idiots-Who-Live-to-Be-Offended Tree.



Enough
We now have our 14th hurricane of the season, Epsilon; this hurricane is like that last party guest that asks if you have any more cheese puffs when you are putting on your pajamas. Get out.


Would somebody please yell out last call for hurricanes? OK, hurricanes, let’s go, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.



Amped
Finally saw the Johnny Cash biopic “Walk the Line” last night. I think the full title was ‘Walk the Line to the Pharmacy.” The guy was on speed the whole time. Cash was so wired it was like watching Regis Philbin at last call at Starbucks.


Cash was more cranked up than Tom Arnold waiting for Roseanne’s alimony check to show up.