Thursday, November 20, 2003

We gonna smack some sick silly on you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That explains it
*In an interview in GQ Monica Lewinski said doesn’t have a boyfriend and hasn’t had one in a long time. Monica said one of her past relationships left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hail, hail, Freedonia
*President Bush has urged Europeans to take a new path in the Middle East. Bush said they owed it to their fine country of Europea.

There was an embarrassing moment when President Bush was in London, when they asked Bush how he liked Great Britain, Bush asked; “But I thought we were in England?”

Labor intensive
*Man, I am tired. I was up all night changing all my Cincinnati Bengals jokes into San Diego Charger jokes.

That should do it
*Authorities are waiting for Michael Jackson to surrender. They should tell him not to think of it as being arrested, just think of it as a really long time out.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s greatest hits? There was the one at Chuckie Cheese, the playground, the time he baby-sat . . .

The police have issued an arrest warrant for Michael Jackson on charges of child molestation. If this thing goes to trial, here is my question: how are they going to find a jury of Michael Jackson’s peers? He’s by far the weirdest guy on this planet. They’ll have to find jurors on Pluto.

It’s all here . . . well, most of it, anyway
*First CBS had to yank the “The Reagans” and now they have to yank a Michael Jackson special. And CBS may want to re-think launching their upcoming; “Osama bin Laden Hour.”

Normally, viewers would be upset at all of those programming changes, but, luckily for CBS, their viewers are too old to remember any changes.

Lucky him
*Phil Collins is reportedly suffering from severe hearing loss; the good news for Phil is that he will never again have to listen to; “Sussusido”

Whew, I am in computer hell, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Should be up and running this afternoon.

Hey, did you hear that they are coming out with Michael Jackson's greatest hits? There was that one at the Chuckie Cheese, the playground, the time he babysat . . .

Monday, November 17, 2003

I’m gonna leave here runnin’ ‘cause walkin’ most too slow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Betty, you can call me Al
*My name is Alex Kaseberg, but you all can just call me Master and Commander.

*Have you seen “Master and Commander?” It was wild; there was great tactical maneuvering, fierce fighting, and epic battles. And that was just me in the theater parking lot trying to find a spot.

His Royal Hind-ness
*Prince Charles is still battling rumors of a homosexual affair. When asked if he wanted to hear a plan to end the gossip, Prince Charles replied; “I’m all ears.”

*The International Olympic Committee actually announced that they will allow transsexuals to compete in the Olympics. This is good news for the rowers considering going from the coxed pairs to the coxless pairs.

Too much
*The courts ruled that accused September 11th terrorist Zacarias Moussaoui may not represent himself in court. Good idea. It’s OK to represent yourself and have a fool for a client, but if you have a fool, a murderer, a coward and a schmuck for a client, that’s a bit too much.

Rush to judgment
*After rehab, Rush Limbaugh was back on his radio show today. Rush was quiet, contrite and modest in his own loud, unapologetic and megalomaniac way.

As part of his recovery, Rush has been encouraged to open up and confess his inner most thoughts. Today Rush announced he is hopelessly and helplessly in love with Hillary Clinton.

Richard Hit?
*Dick Pound, the president of the World-Anti Drug Agency, or WADA, said major league baseball’s drug policy is a joke. I’m not sure about that, but I do know that it’s a joke having the president of a group called WADA named Dick Pound.

The President of WADA is Dick Pound? Who is the vice president of WADA? Jack Mehoff?

And action
*The New York Post claims Paris Hilton stars in ten sex videos. But instead of her real name, she used a porn name. Yeah, instead of Paris Hilton, she was France Hotel. Pretty clever.

*The guy in the Paris Hilton sex video, Rick Soloman, is suing the Hilton’s claiming he had no idea he was being filmed. You’d have thought the five release forms Paris made him sign before they had sex might have been a clue.

Apparently Rick thought that when Paris yelled, “Cut” she was referring to his circumcision.