Saturday, June 04, 2016

Johnny Manziel is being sued for $40,000 in damages to a Hollywood Hills home after he threw a party. That is when you know things are going bad for a quarterback, when they throw a party and it gets intercepted and returned against them.

At a California rally, Donald Trump pointed to a black man and said, “There’s my African American.” Trump was relieved because he thought he had lost him.

Many are skeptical he is Trump's African American. He does not have Trump's name on him. 

Since you asked:

This Chicago Cubs game is bringing back so many fond memories. The game during the off and on soft summer rain. The ball lost in the ivy. Throwing the other team’s homer on to the field. The Old Style beers in plastic cups. Sneaking off to the bathroom to have sex with two hookers. (Just seeing if you’re paying attention. It was one hooker) 

When you walk into Wrigley Field there are so many senses and feelings. You smell the steaming hot dogs, the mustard, the spilled beer, the cigar smoke. Then when you walk out to your seat, the smell of cut grass.  The sounds of the crack of the bats and the pop of the gloves. 

The other day against the Dodgers the Cubs were going full "The Natural" with the sun setting between the third base bleachers and the little bugs lit up by the sun. All that was missing was Glenn Close in her bee-keeping hat. 

Upgrading my Cubs nickname for Addison Russell from the obvious “Street” to “Avatar Street.” Why Avatar? Because Addison looks like his eyes want to start seeing other people. 

When Anthony Rizzo cracked the game-clinching homer, I yelled "Rizz-Bone" so loud my sore back cracked/adjusted. Bless you, Rizz-Bone, you are doing god's work. 

The story says Clay Tres, so nice they named him thrice, C cubed, Clay Matthews III, to return to his natural position. You mean firmly ensconced in my heart? (Sorry, was that out loud?) 

Excited about the Sharks game tonight. Duh duh . . . duh duh . . . duh duh, duh duh, duh duh. 

The definition of bitter sweet: the last sip of coffee of the day. 

Muhammad Ali was the greatest boxer of all time. That is enough.  

Mourning is when you feel like you no longer have a place to put all of your love for someone. 

Don’t ask me how I know this, just trust me. My dog Wally is afraid of human farts. 

“Never seen a man go through a day so fast.” 

-- From “Cat Ballou” Michael Callan’s character, Clay Boone, when Lee Marvin’s character, Kid Shelleen, wakes up, chugs a bottle of whiskey and passes out. 

When we went to Mammoth Mountain Ski Resort by Mammoth Lakes on Mammoth Mountain, replete with emblems of woolly mammoths, what my buddy, Kevin, i.e. Uncle Homey, said about the 20ft high bronze mammoth statue in front:

"I'll meet you out by the elephant." 

Happy 45th Birthday to Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg. While no little tiny person has done more with their ambition and less talent other than Madonna, let us not forget Marky Mark beat an old Vietnamese man half blind and half dead just for the racist fun of it. That makes Mark Wahlberg one of the biggest a-holes who has ever lived outside of Nazi Germany. 

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Great time for Northern Cal sports. The San Jose Sharks in the NHL finals; the Golden State Warriors are in the NBA finals; the San Francisco Giants are in first place and the Oakland Raiders have had no players arrested in the off-season.

You due to do the do you do to get the stoke to woke the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

69-year-old Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood had twins with his 38-year-old wife, Sally. They can’t wait to see what the babies first words are, Mama or Grandpa.

The adult website, PornHub, is showing sex scenes for “Game of Thrones,” and HBO wants them to stop. Which is rich because HBO stands for Hoarding Boobies Openly. 

While photographed kissing him at a party, Khloe Kardashian denied she and New York Giant receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., are an item. Although it is hard to imagine Odell missing a pass that is that easy. 

More signs emerging in the fraud case against Trump University. For example, the school mascot was “The Fighting Bernie Madoff.” 

New York Giant receiver Odell Beckham Jr., denied any relationship with Khloe Kardashian. He does not want to make a huge ass of himself. 

More signs emerging in the fraud case against Trump University. For example, the school fight song was Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money.” 

More signs emerging in the fraud case against Trump University. Trump University’s team name is the Fighting Ponzi. 

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

There are some amazing beards on the San Jose Sharks, like Joe Thornton’s and Brent Burns’s. Have not seen beards that impressive since Liza Minnelli was married. 

After being caught flirting at Drake's party, Khloe Kardashian denied she and New York Giant receiver, Odell Beckham Jr., are an item. Although it is hard to imagine Odell missing a pass that is that easy. 

You are due to do you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rolling Stone guitarist, 68-year-old Ronnie Wood, just had twins with his 38-year-old wife, Sally. No truth to the rumor the twins' names are Viagra and Cialis. 

Actress, Kristen Bell, opened up to “Time” about her battles with depression. Like the time some Jacuzzi water got in her glass of Cristal champagne. 

Today is National Dare Day. City zoos are placing extra security at their gorilla enclosures. 

Amber Heard is accusing the LAPD of lying and conspiring to protect her ex, Johnny Depp. No, good move. Fighting the LAPD is always a smart idea. Just ask Rodney King.

Mokiki does the Sloppy Swish. Mokiki may be the singularly stupidest thing ever created in the entertainment industry. And that includes "Pootie Tang" and Paulie Shore 

In Florida, police discovered two alligators eating a dead body. Or as they call that in Florida: A Tallahassee Three-Way.

A Texas town has a bronze statue of two teenage girls taking a selfie. A teenage girl got mildly hurt when she walked into the statue taking a selfie. When asked about the irony, the girl said, “Hello? It’s bronze. Not iron. Duh.” 

Interesting side note: the statue is actually smarter than the two models used for the statue. 

The parents of the toddler who fell into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo thanked the zoo workers who killed the gorilla. They said their son was doing well. Although they weren’t exactly sure where he was at the moment. 

Rolling Stone guitarist, 68-year-old Ronnie Wood, just had twins with his 38-year-old wife, Sally. Kids, let that be a lesson, if you smoke, drink and do drugs too much, you too might have twins when you’re 68.

A gym for marijuana smokers is opening in San Francisco. A bunch of stoned skinny dudes trying to balance heavily weighted barbells. What could possibly go wrong? 

Actress, Kristen Bell, opened up to “Time” about her battles with depression. Of course depression for a beautiful rich celebrity is caused when the car crew shows up ten minutes late to your mansion to detail your Tesla. 

Khloe Kardashian is now dating New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr. Beckham makes catches in NFL. By dating Khloe he could continue to catch things. 

Since you asked:

It would be easy to blame the rise of a cartoon monster, like Donald Trump, on liberals, the liberal press and democrats. And while it is true the unreasonable stifling by political correctness of common sense and honesty was due to cause an angry backlash, nobody could have foreseen the tidal wave of hatred and resentment that has washed Trump into laughable and embarrassing world-wide prominence.

But the real blame for having a lying buffoon, like Trump, become a leading presidential candidate belongs squarely with the republicans. Their inability to mount a campaign by anyone less repugnant than Ted Cruz will always be a political nightmare of utter ineptitude. 

Republican - for lack of a better term - leaders, like Mitch McConnell, were so busy lining their pockets by kissing the selfish far-right asses of the NRA and the Tea Party, they let the soul of the republican party fester and decay with neglect. 

The only hope for us now is to allow Trump to destroy himself, which I am certain he will do, and replace him with someone more qualified. I.e. anyone. (Sorry, I meant anyone but Ted Cruz) 

Remember, like I have said many times, Trump claims to be a brilliant business man who had four failed casinos, a failed brand of vodka and a failed line of steaks. 

Donald Trump could not sell gambling, drinking and eating meat to Americans.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Mokiki does the Sloppy-Swish, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A bad boy in “The Bachelorette” has emerged in Chad Johnson. Not a shock. Chad is the male equivalent of the stripper name Amber.  

The hosts on “The View” mocked a nurse for wearing a stethoscope because she isn’t a doctor. That’s insensitive. The hosts of “The View” are not proctologists, but they have their heads up their butts. 

Khloe Kardashian is now dating New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr. He’s a famous star for pulling out a one-handed catch. She’s famous for pulling out stardom from her butt. 

The matriarch of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” Mama June, is going on a tour of strip clubs. She is bringing her own supply of back-up stripper poles. 

Mama June going on a tour of strip clubs? Gosh, I hope that doesn't cheapen her image.

Justin Bieber announced he will no longer take selfies with his fans. To which the person he told that to said, “No, we were wondering if you could take our picture."

She’ll be OK,  but in Corona Del Mar, CA., a 52-year-old female triathlete was bitten by a shark. Experts are calling it an exploratory bite. Or as I would call it: getting bitten by a shark. 

In related story, none of my fellow TV-sports-watching backyard grillers were bitten by anything. 

A former Chicago cop, Drew Peterson, was found guilty of trying to kill his murdered wife’s attorney. How guilty is he? Guiltier than an iceberg with red and black paint on it after the Titanic sunk. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

This just in:

In Mexico, soccer star, Alan Pulido, escaped his kidnappers by shooting one of his captors. The escape will not count however. He used his hand on the gun. 

If they had kidnapped Scott Norwood, he would still be a captive. #WideRight

An Australian woman is missing after swimming in crocodile-infested waters at 10:30 PM. If she was consumed, authorities are now on the lookout for an extremely drunk crocodile.

Police are filing a missing drunk moron report. 

In an interview, actor Corey Stoll said the sex scenes he did in “Girls” were stressful. “That must be really hard,” said a West Virginia coal minor coughing up black dust from his lungs. 

In England, a couple in their 80’s, Colin Dunn and Sallie Smith, got married after 40 years of dating. Colin said, "After 40 years of free milk, it was time to buy the cow." Colin is expected to recover from the injuries he sustained while saying that. 

The NFL is moving the Pro Bowl from Honolulu to Disney World in Orlando, FLA. This way Goofy, Dopey and Sleepy will be Disney characters and not just descriptions of the Pro Bowl game.

In a Santa Monica restaurant, a 24-year-old man, Michael Hsu, was arrested after three women saw him drug his date’s drink. Hsu was charged with intent to commit rape, drugging to attempt rape, and impersonating Bill Cosby. 

If convicted he faces a rough time in prison as a boy named Hsu. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Recent Plaza Del Lago car crash

This happened, not as severely, with my mom (rest her soul) about 20 years ago. Mom drove through the window of the Wilmette Plaza Del Lago Crate and Barrel. (Their first branch store)

Mom was dog tired - she had just undergone radiation for breast cancer - but wanted to stop and buy a gift for a friend. While parking, she shifted into forward instead of reverse and then hit the gas instead of the brake and pulled, what I called, a “Terminator.” For weeks after, I would greet mom on the phone with my bad Arnold impression, “I’ll be back.” 

She laughed every time. 

After plowing into, but not all the way through, the Crate and Barrel window and the display case, mom had the wherewithal to back up, get out of her car and go into the store. No lie, mom stood in the store behind the shocked gawkers and actually said,

“Gosh, I wonder what idiot could have done this?”

What mom was proudest of was, after giving the store her information, she had the presence of mind to buy the gift she came there for and drove home. (The car wasn’t nearly as badly damaged as the window. Just a dent on the hood) 

A few weeks later, mom got a letter from Crate and Barrel congratulating her for opening the first drive-through Crate and Barrel.

Mom framed the letter. 

Coffee, you've always been there for me, and so have my Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An Oregon man is suing a hospital because his botched hernia operation left him with an 80-pound scrotum. Can you believe the balls on this guy? 

In a rally in Fresno, Donald Trump announced there is no drought in California . . . as a tumbleweed blew across the stage. 

In England, a couple in their 80’s, Colin Dunn and Sallie Smith, got married after 40 years of dating.  “Will you, Colin, buy this cow even though you’ve been getting free milk for 40 years?”

A “TMZ” poll has 95% wanting Bill Cosby to go to prison for all of his sexual assaults. The other 5% are on the Baltimore Ravens. 

A sex survey revealed men believed their women experienced orgasms 84% while the women said they only had orgasms 64%. The survey after this revealed men think women suck at math.

Since you asked:

Help me out, I am a little fuzzy trying to catch up to the news. Did I hear that Amber Heard claims a gorilla at the Cincinnati zoo punched her? 

It was tragic they had to shoot the gorilla in the Cincinnati zoo when the 4-year-old snuck into the gorilla exhibit. They should have shot his parents. 

This election is so insane, how close are we to finding out Hillary Clinton paid for a phony degree in Email Management from Trump University? 

My sources tell me that if Amber Heard did want to frame Johnny Depp for domestic violence by having someone punch her face to leave a mark, there would be no shortage of volunteers. 

Watching Donald Trump during this campaign feels like riding shotgun in a car that is playing chicken and you now suspect your driver is suicidal.

Amber Heard is exactly the kind of psycho I would have fallen for if I was rich, famous, younger and better looking. Once you go cracked, it is hard to go back. They pack their own fun until the drama gets too much. 

Hollywood always uses the same cliche to depict life as a movie star. Showing up in a limo at your movie premier to the explosion of paparazzi flashes and the screaming of psycho fans. That’s it? You can keep that crap.

The people who are excited about voting for Trump are bitter to the point of blindness and just want to give the rest of the country a giant Eff U. 

And the people who are voting for Hillary are like people who say they like eating kale, but the truth is they have to eat kale because the doctor told them to. Nobody really likes kale.

And the people who are voting for Bernie Sanders believe in the theory of karma above the laws of physics. 

“Writers will often find themselves steering by stars that are disturbingly in motion.” 

― William Strunk Jr., "The Elements of Style."

5/28/2016 Track and Field CIF Championships

5/28/2016 Track and Field CIF Championships: 5/28/2016 Track and Field CIF Championships

This news story has Ann Caroline at 52 seconds in. It is a little light on Jackie Patterson who is amazing in the 100 and 200 for Rancho Bernardo.