Doing all we can to bring you moderately amusing jokes based on boring current events, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Britney Spears got pulled over for a speeding ticket. She was with her children so, to borrow a page from Lindsay Lohan, Britney jumped out of the car and said;” The white kid was driving.”
Do you know what happened last week 63 years ago? The liberation of Paris from the Nazis. And we Americans were involved in no small way. In fact the only people who were involved in a small way? The French.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned. He wants to spend more time with his family. Then he fired his family but he couldn’t recall doing so.
At the Miss Teen USA Pageant , Miss South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin, gave such an embarrassingly stupid-sounding answer to a question about maps that even Michael Vick told her she should get a map and try and find Jesus.
Britney Spears laughed so hard she dropped her child.
It proved, once again, that there really isn’t anything funnier than a dumb person trying to sound smart. Unless they happen to be the President elect.
The results are in and the US SAT average is the lowest it has been in seven years. And that is primarily thanks to the SAT score of Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin.Since you asked:
Under the category of “Things must not be as good as they look,” how about Owen Wilson? Wow, who knew being a young, rich, famous movie star was so hard? Poor guy must be pretty torn up to try to off himself.
Sure we’ve made fun of Owen and his phallus nose, but he seems like a good, funny guy. I had a girl who looked like Kate Hudson break my heart but I never thought of ending it all. The best thing to do when a girl breaks your heart is get back out there with a vengeance. When your heart is broken nobody else can break your heart and many, many women find that wildly attractive.
Let me let you in on a little secret about women: they are highly competitive with other women. When a woman knows a man had his heart broken by another woman, she gets jealous and she wants to be the one to break his heart. Sad? Yes. Sick? A little, but there it is. You either play the ball or the ball plays you.
Owen, get back out there. One can only assume you went through a bit of an Alexander the Great thing when you discovered you had no other nation’s to conquer. Owen is talented, funny, good-looking even with a crank on his face, and in good shape so don’t waste any more time. Owen should hang with Matthew McCana, McCanou, that weird shirtless guy. He may be nuttier than an outhouse rat but he is a life-is-good, glass-is-half-full guy and Owen needs that right now.
Let’s play a quick game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon using Matthew McConaughey. Matthew was in “U571” with Bill Paxton who was in “Apollo 13” with Kevin Bacon for a Bacon score of 2. Not bad seeing as I am a tad rusty.
How about Owen Wilson? Owen Wilson was in “The Royal Tenenbaums” with Alec Baldwin who was in “She’s Having My Baby” with Kevin Bacon. Bam. A deuce again. Whew, the kid’s still got it.
Here is a good one. Everybody’s new favorite, but I liked him before you did, yes I did. Uh huh, I did, Seth Rogan.
Well. We can go the easy Seth was in “You Me and Dupree” with Owen Wilson who was in “The Royal Tenenbaums” with Baldwin who was in “She’s Having My Baby” with Bacon, but that is a trey. We want the deuce.
Hmm. Seth Rogan was in “Donnie Darko” with Mary McDonnell who was in “12 Angry Men” with Jack Lemmon who was in “JFK” with Kevin Bacon but that is still three.
Seth was in “The Legend of Ron Burgandy” who was with Danny Trejo who was in “Point Blank” with Mickey Rourke who was in “Diner” with Kevin Bacon but that is still three, you idiot.
Hang on, hang on.
Seth Rogan was in “You Me and Dupree” with Matt Dillon who was in “Wild Things” with Kevin Bacon. Ahhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ding, ding, and a freakin’ ding. The deuce with Seth and Kevin. Damn I am good. (With a modicum of help from the blessed Google and IMbd)
Just thought of another deuce for Seth Rogan in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Seth Rogan was in “The Legend of Ron Burgandy” with Luke Wilson who was in “My Dog Skip” with Kevin Bacon. Oh, snap. Who bad? Who bad. That’s right. I am.