Friday, August 31, 2007

Personally I feel, not for nothing, that, literally, for US Americans, at this point in time it’s pretty random and, at the end of the day, it is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(How to speak and yet say nothing)

So that’s what he’s doing
This year’s “Dancing with the Stars” lineup was leaked to the press; now we know what “Scooter” Libby’s been doing since he was pardoned.

Probably a good idea
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room and now his constituents are calling for Craig to resign. Apparently they want to wash their hands of Craig but they don’t want him in the bathroom when they do it.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Craig just wants to put this incident past him and continue on in congress. At least I hope that’s what he meant when he said he wants to turn another page.

Time for Andy to say bye bye
CBS’s Andy Rooney recently wrote in a column that he doesn't like baseball because the stars "are all guys named Rodriguez." This offended so many Mexicans, now Rooney has to yell: “You punks get off my lawn that nobody will mow.”

CBS’s Andy Rooney recently wrote in a column that he doesn't like baseball because the stars "are all guys named Rodriguez." This offended CBS’s Mexican cleaning staff so much they refuse to go into Rooney’s office to clean out the old man smell.

Who knew?
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. What is with all of these conservative republican gay sex scandals? Who knew the grand old party was taking place in a leather bar?

Ah, the good ol’ days
Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room. Remember the good old Clinton years when sex scandals involved men with women?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

It is on now like it is on when it is on and on and on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
Man it was hot. I was sweating like Miss Teen South Carolina on “Jeopardy.”

Man it is hot. I am sweating like Idaho Senator Larry Craig when they told him they’re reviewing the tapes from airport men’s room camera.

What are we gonna do now?
Man, Alberto Gonzales resigned, Carl Rove resigned. With all of these men leaving the White House we hardly stand a chance of ever getting a guy on Condoleezza Rice.

Not good
A survey shows 31 U.S. states showed an increase in obesity rates last year. The other 19 states were too busy ordering take out from McDonalds to take the survey.

Sure, buddy
After being arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s bathroom, Idaho Senator Larry Craig held press conference to announce he is not gay. Even reverend Ted Haggard said; “Yeah, right, Pal.”

Well, sure, that makes sense
The good news is that Bo Diddley is stable in a Florida hospital after suffering a heart attack. How did Diddley have a heart attack? Exercising. He was doing Diddley squats.

Maybe too much information
More information is coming out about Idaho Republican Larry Craig’s arrest for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. Apparently when they arrested Craig he yelled; “Hey, it’s mine and I can shake it as much as I want to.”

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. In fact, it is the most disgusting thing to happen in a men’s bathroom since a guy had to follow Larry the Cable Guy into a stall after a chili cook off.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. Craig has been rumored to be involved with young congressional male pages for years. In fact, Craig has devoured more pages than when Michael Vick’s dog ate his play book.

Get it? Idaho?
More information is coming out about Idaho Republican Larry Craig’s arrest for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room. Apparently police were alerted when they heard the Idaho Senator shout, “Who ‘da ‘ho? I ‘da ho. That’s right, I ‘da ‘ho.”

Miss Genius
Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, gave a hilariously stupid answer to a question about maps. Here is my question: the girl is from South Carolina. Shouldn’t she have a southern accent? Why does she sound like she’s been eating off Paris Hilton’s plate? “Maps are like hot.”

Oh, Lex, did you have to go there?
At the World Championship, Russia’s Yelena Isinbaeva won the women’s pole vault at 15ft, nine inches. Isinbaeva’s talent lies in that she is fast and strong and can handle a bigger pole than her competitors. In fact, the only woman who can handle a bigger pole is, well, Pamela Anderson.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Doing all we can to bring you moderately amusing jokes based on boring current events, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Britney Spears got pulled over for a speeding ticket. She was with her children so, to borrow a page from Lindsay Lohan, Britney jumped out of the car and said;” The white kid was driving.”

Do you know what happened last week 63 years ago? The liberation of Paris from the Nazis. And we Americans were involved in no small way. In fact the only people who were involved in a small way? The French.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned. He wants to spend more time with his family. Then he fired his family but he couldn’t recall doing so.

At the Miss Teen USA Pageant , Miss South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin, gave such an embarrassingly stupid-sounding answer to a question about maps that even Michael Vick told her she should get a map and try and find Jesus.

Britney Spears laughed so hard she dropped her child.

It proved, once again, that there really isn’t anything funnier than a dumb person trying to sound smart. Unless they happen to be the President elect.

The results are in and the US SAT average is the lowest it has been in seven years. And that is primarily thanks to the SAT score of Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin.

Since you asked:

Under the category of “Things must not be as good as they look,” how about Owen Wilson? Wow, who knew being a young, rich, famous movie star was so hard? Poor guy must be pretty torn up to try to off himself.

Sure we’ve made fun of Owen and his phallus nose, but he seems like a good, funny guy. I had a girl who looked like Kate Hudson break my heart but I never thought of ending it all. The best thing to do when a girl breaks your heart is get back out there with a vengeance. When your heart is broken nobody else can break your heart and many, many women find that wildly attractive.

Let me let you in on a little secret about women: they are highly competitive with other women. When a woman knows a man had his heart broken by another woman, she gets jealous and she wants to be the one to break his heart. Sad? Yes. Sick? A little, but there it is. You either play the ball or the ball plays you.

Owen, get back out there. One can only assume you went through a bit of an Alexander the Great thing when you discovered you had no other nation’s to conquer. Owen is talented, funny, good-looking even with a crank on his face, and in good shape so don’t waste any more time. Owen should hang with Matthew McCana, McCanou, that weird shirtless guy. He may be nuttier than an outhouse rat but he is a life-is-good, glass-is-half-full guy and Owen needs that right now.

Let’s play a quick game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon using Matthew McConaughey. Matthew was in “U571” with Bill Paxton who was in “Apollo 13” with Kevin Bacon for a Bacon score of 2. Not bad seeing as I am a tad rusty.

How about Owen Wilson? Owen Wilson was in “The Royal Tenenbaums” with Alec Baldwin who was in “She’s Having My Baby” with Kevin Bacon. Bam. A deuce again. Whew, the kid’s still got it.

Here is a good one. Everybody’s new favorite, but I liked him before you did, yes I did. Uh huh, I did, Seth Rogan.

Well. We can go the easy Seth was in “You Me and Dupree” with Owen Wilson who was in “The Royal Tenenbaums” with Baldwin who was in “She’s Having My Baby” with Bacon, but that is a trey. We want the deuce.

Hmm. Seth Rogan was in “Donnie Darko” with Mary McDonnell who was in “12 Angry Men” with Jack Lemmon who was in “JFK” with Kevin Bacon but that is still three.

Seth was in “The Legend of Ron Burgandy” who was with Danny Trejo who was in “Point Blank” with Mickey Rourke who was in “Diner” with Kevin Bacon but that is still three, you idiot.

Hang on, hang on.

Seth Rogan was in “You Me and Dupree” with Matt Dillon who was in “Wild Things” with Kevin Bacon. Ahhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ding, ding, and a freakin’ ding. The deuce with Seth and Kevin. Damn I am good. (With a modicum of help from the blessed Google and IMbd)

Just thought of another deuce for Seth Rogan in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Seth Rogan was in “The Legend of Ron Burgandy” with Luke Wilson who was in “My Dog Skip” with Kevin Bacon. Oh, snap. Who bad? Who bad. That’s right. I am.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

We’ve seen a million faces and we rocked them all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oui, oui
French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner has offered to apologize to Iraq if they feel he had meddled in its affairs. Which is not surprising. Apologizing comes naturally to the French. Not as naturally as surrendering, but naturally.

Jesus is gonna pass
In his press conference after pleading guilty to dog fighting, Michael Vick said he has found Jesus. Upon which Jesus replied; “You know what, Mike, thanks but no thanks.””

And in another study . . .
In health news, a study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are more susceptible to memory loss. In addition, a study reveals that people who drink too much alcohol are susceptible to memory loss. And a study reveals drinking can make you lose your memory.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
There are fires raging in Greece. It was a little awkward, when informed of the fires in Greece, President Bush said; “Heck, get a diner chef. They’re real good at putting out grease fires.”

The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is investigation Britney Spears on charges of bad parenting: poor nutrition, no sleep, bad dental care. Britney had to take time out from working on her book; “How To Destroy A Career For Dummies.”

Since you asked:
As it has been far too long since I have droned boringly about the Eagles, I thought I would correct that.

The other day a piece I read on Glenn Frey reminded me that many of the Avocado Mafia, aka Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, the Birds, Jackson Browne, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, J.D. Souther, Randy Newman, Joni Mitchell, etc, shared apartments in downtrodden Echo Park when they started out in the late Sixties and very early Seventies.

For some reason, this made me feel both disappointed and comforted at the same time.

Forever, I labored under the delusion that all of those artists lived in the very hip and hippy Southern California worlds of Malibu and Laurel Canyon that appear on their album covers. Theirs was the rustic wood and authentic stucco of Cantinas and Saloons of the old west, the Southern California with style and charm like the picture of Jackson Browne on the back of “For Everyman” and the Eagles “Desperado” album. An endless sea of beautiful tan people, Margaritas, turquoise jewelry, white cotton shirts, faded blue jeans, sandy beaches, hand-made tortillas, rose gardens, strummed guitars and gorgeous sunsets

But it turns out their world in late sixties Echo Park ( it has recently undergone artistic- trendy gentrification) was the sleazy and smoggy world of Latin gang graffiti-marked aging strip malls; avocado-colored shag rugs spotted with old cigarette burns in dingy two-story studio apartments with torn screens, popcorn ceilings and the rusty electric unit heater in the wall that never worked; the linoleum ant-ridden kitchen floor with aluminum chairs with cracked vinyl padding in the tiny kitchen that still lingered with the feint smell of the rancid meat that rotted in the freezer when the electricity was cut off.

That was my Southern California in Long Beach, an endless, banal nightmare of stoned idiots - who could only describe good things as bitchin' and bad things as bogus - who went to swap meets to buy tube socks and find spare parts for their El Camino, and I had hoped my beloved sensitive idols had been spared it. But it also made me feel good to know we had that experience in common, as depressing and soul-sapping and dream-crushing as it was.

Ah, but then I moved to beautiful Santa Barbara and my magical land of the lotus eaters reappeared on a dark dessert highway, cool wind in my hair.

Now, knock on wood, thanks to luck and a few changes of location, I have my ideal California back. Backyard barbeques in the gloaming with hot air balloons floating above; picnics above the beach in Del Mar and surfing at La Jolla shores at daybreak as the sun streams over Mount Soledad; concerts by the bay at Humphrey's and bike rides along the the rolling golden hills of the inland valleys.

Welcome to the Hotel California. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.

Monday, August 27, 2007

We threw down the throw down this weekendizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Fragrance of not caring
Soccer star David Beckham has a new male fragrance. If the fragrance is for American sports fans it should be called: Indifference.

Soccer star David Beckham has a new male fragrance. I tried it but I didn’t like it. As soon as I put on the Beckham cologne, I sprained my ankle and had to sit down.

Go get it
Due to this dog fighting charges, the Atlanta Falcons want Michael Vick to give back his $22 mil bonus. This could result in the world’s most expensive game of fetch.

How rainy is it?
It has been so rainy in New York City, three Yankee pitchers accidentally floated back to Cuba.

Katie bar the door
A new tell-all biography on Katie Couric, “Katie: The Real Story” by Edward Klein, reveals a much darker side of the perky former “Today Show” host. How bad is it? It turns out the broadcast of her colonoscopy may have showed Katie's best side.

At the World Track and Field Championship, the US’s Tyson Gay won the 100 meters and the title “The World’s Fastest Man.” In fact, he is the fastest Gay since Pier One opened their doors for their end-of-summer sale.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will resign, it was more than a little awkward when President Bush first heard Alberto Gonzales will resign. Bush said; “That’s too bad, he was the speediest cartoon mouse in Mexico.”

The last refuge of a scoundrel
At his press after pleading guilty to dog fighting charges, Michael Vick announced he has found Jesus. At which point, Jesus told Michael Vick: "Uh, thanks, but no thanks, I'm good. Pass."

Since you asked:
Our two nutty yellow Labradors, Kasey and Wrigley, love their Kongs. For those who don’t have dogs, Kongs are seven inch by five inch red bell-shaped hard rubber dog toys that are hollow enough to stuff treats with peanut butter inside. They use their little paws like hands to hold it while they chew, lick and then pick them up to bounce out the bone shaped dog biscuit inside.

But as soon as you give them their Kongs, Wrigley starts to eye Kasey’s Kong in the ultimate “the grass is greener” display of canine coveting.

“As soon as you give Wrigley his Kong, he wants Kasey’s Kong.” I said. Just-turned-nine Ann Caroline said;

“And as soon as he has Kasey’s, he wants his back again.”

When did cute little girls get so observant and wise?

Let’s play a new game called:

Lex Isn’t As Smart As He Thinks He Is

Every time I come from the gym still listening to my iPod, I am amazed that it keeps playing when I turn the car off.

While working out to my iPod, I was shocked at all the songs that it played in a row that featured running in it. Then I remembered I was listening to a playlist I made for running.

I actually picked a carton of Fat Free milk over a carton of Non-fat milk because it had the word free.

While watching a DVR recorded Chicago Cubs game, I started cheering for a late game rally by the Cubs in a game I knew they were going to lose 3-1.

No matter how many times I tell my brain that the five-foot Leopard sharks that patrol the waters in the La Jolla Shores are harmless bottom-feeders, they still spook the hell out of me when they slow-serpentine-cruise-all- shark-like right underneath my Stand Up Paddleboard.

When an internet page is slow to form and I got frustrated and click the corner X to dump it, it comes all the way in and I still hope it will forget that I canned it. It doesn't forget.