Saturday, October 21, 2006

It is hard out here

Saturday Morning Last Ever Starbucks Caffeine Fueled Rant:

As you all know, Blockbuster, through their repeated violations of free speech, their slow recognition of advancing technology, and their adamant pursuit of lousy service and surly employees, is going the way of the Buffalo. Good. It couldn’t happen to a more deserving company.

Although they do make a tasty coffee drink, Starbucks is quickly surpassing McDonalds as a punch line to all the jokes about rude service, long lines, over-expansion and over-priced products. It should be called Everything-That-is-Wrong-With-Our-Society Bucks. The only thing missing is a shrine to Paris Hilton.

Is Starbucks the new Blockbuster? (Wow, I suddenly got all Carrie Bradshaw “Sex and the City” on my rumpus)

Every now and again, I like to go in there to remind myself why I hate Starbucks, the people who work there and their customers. Today they did not let me down. Long line, although it did move quickly, my cashier was so over-hurried that he did that amazing thing where he talks over you so you have to repeat what you said about three times instead of just listening once.

The shop was crowded with aging Yuppies and their un-mannered, overly-entitled spawn running amok. To pass the time for my coffee, as the Yuppie spawn ran screaming up and down, I wrongly fantasized about sticking my foot out and sending one flying headlong into an exploding display of over-priced stainless steel coffee related devices.

“Oh, Cooper, what did you do? Bailee, Tylre, go help dig your brother out from there, we’re late for Pilates.”

(Pilates is the name of their family counselor, not the exercise)

Now my focus was on our Barista, which is snotty Italian for coffee drink maker. She had that same smug look that drunk-with-pathetic-power pharmacists have when they make people wait for their order to be filled for no good reason.

In addition to that, she was mumbling out the orders so that everyone who thought their drink was up had to walk up and handle everyone else’s drink to see if it was theirs. Why is it a rule that any retail food store where food or drink orders come up, the one employee least qualified, in terms of meek personality or lack of knowledge of the English language, is assigned to call out the orders?

No lie, Jamba Juice must spend a fortune finding and training people until they are incapable of calling out a name and a drink description. Original Strawberry Nirvana, Alex comes out;


Thank you, mumbling snotty Barista. Thank you rude and unmannered aging Yuppies and their vile spawn, Teegan, Ashlee, Aiden, Darrick and Jessika. Thank you wildly over-priced non-fat, no-foam, one equal, double shot Vente (whatever the F#@k that is) Latte. Thank you CD’s no person with soul would dream of buying. Thank you thoughtless coffee related products that you give to people who buy their coffee from Starbucks rather than make it anyway.

I have made my last visit to a Starbucks, ala four years ago as I did with Blockbuster.

But that Latte was damn tasty.

Friday, October 20, 2006

We easy like Sunday morning, we easier than Paris Hilton on X, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Boycott N. K.
President Bush has called for a boycott of all North Korean products. So whatever you do, do not buy a package of Poodle Jerky.

He’s come a long way
President Bush would reject talks with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. Give President Bush some credit, the first time he heard the name Kim Jong Il, Bush said; “What’s wrong with her?”

Not good
Mike Tyson has announced he will fight women. I knew there would be trouble when Tyson was hanging around with Bobby Brown.

That explains it
Trying to cash in on the celebrity starving orphan adopting, Paris Hilton is thinking of adopting a starving child. That’s why she had dinner with Nicole Richey. Paris is going to adopt her.

Good news bad news
Baseball announcer Steve Lyons was fired by Fox Sports for his racially insensitive comments about Lou Pinella during a playoff game. The good news? Lyons has been asked to announce Mel Gibson’s softball games.

No wonder Starbucks is crowded
We are now officially a nation of over 300 million people. That has to make the people who can’t get a date really feel like losers.

We are now officially a nation of over 300 million people. 300 million people and we can’t find 535 honest congressmen?

Scary thought
Mike Tyson has announced he will fight women. That’s a scary thought. If Tyson fights women and he starts losing, what’s he going to bite off?

That wouldn’t help
North Korea is threatening to test a second nuclear bomb. It is tough to figure out what to do. We could dog North Korea to stop testing, but then they would just eat the dog.

President Bush has called for a boycott of all North Korean products. So, whatever you do, do not go out a buy a six pack of famine and a case of poverty.

Although he claims to hate the U.S., North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il loves American culture. In fact Jong Il busts up every cabinet meeting with his Mini Me impression.

He busts up every cabinet meeting when he sticks his pinky in his mouth and says; “A miiiiiillion doooollars.”

The K-Fed diet
According to “US Weekly”, Britney Spears has lost 22 pounds in one month. Yeah, she could lose 160 useless pounds in one day when she dumps Kevin Federline.

Again, he’s coming along
President Bush would reject talks with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. Give President Bush some credit, he has come a long way with North Korea. He no longer giggles uncontrollably when he hears the name of their capital city Pyongyang.

The annual World Series bet
The mayors of St. Louis and Detroit have their traditional World Series bet. If Detroit wins, then St. Louis will give Detroit a case of Budweiser, toasted Ravioli and ribs. If St. Louis wins, then Detroit will promise they won’t rob St. Louis.

So mean
You have to love the two World Series cities motto’s. Detroit, What Happens in Detroit Depends on if the witness will testify.” St. Louis’ motto is “What Happens in St. Louis stays in St. Louis, but nothing ever happens in St. Louis.”

I’m not saying Detroit is a rough town but their City bird is a stool pigeon. I’m not saying St. Louis isn’t a fun town, but their nickname is the Gateway to the West, in other words it’s most famous for people wanting to get the hell out of there.

A clear distinction
The people in St. Louis are known for being very friendly. The people in Detroit are known for burying people who are really friendly.

People not from the Midwest might not appreciate the distinctions between Detroit and St. Louis. In St. Louis a lot of people pronounce their state as: Muh-zurrr-ahhh. In Detroit, a lot of people pronounce their state as; Incarcerated.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It so not gonna go sweet and slow on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What’s the deal?
What is the deal with Kim Jong Il? He looks like Elton John and Mini Me had a kid.

I, uh, I did not, uh, now that
Madonna is seeking to adopt an African toddler from Malawi. Incidentally, Malawi is an old African word that means Ripping Off Angelina Jolie’s Publicity Stunt.

Sweet job for Sweet Lou
The Chicago Cubs are looking to hire Lou Pinella as their new manager. It’s a good job, the pay is good, you get to travel and you always have the month of October off.

That’s not nice
The New York Mets tied the best of seven NLCS with a 2-2 with a 12-5 win over the St. Louis Cardinals. Not to imply that Fox would rather have the larger market New York Mets in the World Series, but today Fox leaked news the Cardinals sent inappropriate e-mails to a page.

Not looking good
31 players were ejected for fighting during the Miami F.I.U game. It was the ugliest thing to happen on a football field outside of the Oakland Raiders.

Whole lotta shaking goin’ on
Hawaii had a 6.6 earthquake. It was pretty bad. More people fell out of cocoanut trees than at the Keith Richards family reunion.

Bad luck
Did everyone survive Friday the 13th? Mine was pretty tough. I broke a mirror and now I am doomed to have seven years of perverted congressmen.

Good luck with that
The House Ethics Committee is going to look into the Mark Foley boy page scandal just as soon as they find anyone in the House who has any ethics.

How do you do that?
The winless Oakland Raiders suspended receiver Jerry Porter four games for conduct detrimental to the team; apparently Porter made a suggestion in a meeting that might help them to win.

Apparently Porter reminded them that they are the Oakland Raiders.

Janice Hough’s joke
“Grudge 2” is the top movie this weekend. In horror movies, music often cues when something horrible is about to happen. Like, for the Raiders, that music is the national anthem.

Since you asked:
So I know what’s on your mind. Who did Lex’s Fantasy football team, Thor’s Thunder, do this weekend?

It was not looking good. After two close loses in a row facing an undefeated team that included Marc “Battle of the” Bulger, the hottest QB in Fantasy, and two great running Thomas “Mrs, Mrs” Jones and Ronnie Brown “Sugar” with four of my starters on the bench, including Peyton “Place” Manning, Fred Taylor “made” and Chester Taylor “Of two cities” I was looking weak and ready to go 3-3.

But no, Laverneous “I’m so hot for her and she’s so” Coles and my super subs Vince Young “and the restless” rally and Tatum “For whom the” Bell “tolls” came up big. Miracle victory thanks to the Bears needing to pass and Thomas “Mrs Mrs” Jones only getting 50 yards. 4-2, one game out with seven games to go and almost all byes out of the way.

Prepare to gaze in wide wonder at the great and mighty Thor’s Thunder. (Clarion call of that big Viking horn thingie in the Ricola cough drop commercials)

When did I turn into a dork? I used to be so cool.