Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Oh what the heck. How about a double entry? You all have have been good Slatterns and Ranchers, right?

Rock Star Bob Seger’s sailboat won its division in Michigan’s Port Huron to Mackinac race. Maybe it’s just me, but yachting doesn’t exactly scream rock and roll. Can you picture Ozzy Osbourne in a little sailor’s cap yelling; “Sharon, wazzthefriggin’ matter with the friggin jib?” No lie, in the Santa Barbara harbor - one of the most beautiful harbors in the world, if you ask me - I saw two beautiful sailboat/yachts moored next to each other one was named: Hotel California the other, Eagle Joe Walsh's nickname, The Bomber. Eagle coincidence? I think not.

Are all you out there dog people? I am a dog person. Actually, now a dog dog person. We got another yellow labrador to keep our other yellow lab, Kasey, company. What the hell were we thinking? Anyone who has more than one dog or child is living proof that the mind cannot remember pain. He is a cute dog, though. We named him Wrigley. (I may have mentioned him earlier)

Anyway, I had to do something last week no male should ever do to another male: I took Wrigley to have his nuts removed. I felt like more of a traitor than that American Taliban weasel. Now Wrigley is like a Mrs Fields cookie: sweet vanilla, no nuts. Wrigley, I am glad to report, is still quite the fiesty gent.

Speaking of dogs: Last month we said that researchers at Cambridge announced dogs can be used to screen patients for prostate cancer. It’s fine when the dogs point, it’s when they retrieve that causes problems.

Not speaking of cats: Scientists are experimenting with the use of vitamins to help treat cats with memory loss. This is important, now cats will be able to remember that they don’t ever do a damn thing.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress that the economy is on the road to full recovery. That’s like the Captain of the Titanic announcing that the good news is that the iceberg was not severely damaged. That’s like the Captain of the Titanic predicting that, some time in the future, the ship will stop sinking . . . when it hits bottom.

At a conference for Republican Governors, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is interested in running for the California Governors seat. In fact, Arnold plans to start campaigning just as soon as he can pronounce the word Gubernatorial.

Two Minnesota women sued their Jehovah's Witnesses congregation and the church's parent organization alleging church elders told them to remain silent about being sexually abused. In addition, the Jehovah’s Witnesses were also charged with impersonating the Catholic Church.

The family of Ted Williams - once known as the splendid splinter, now the super sickle - is still fighting over what to do with the cryogenically frozen remains of the hall of famer. The son, John Henry, wants to sell off the slugger’s DNA. Williams’ daughter, Bobby Jo Williams Farrell, thinks that is reprehensible and wants her father treated with class and dignity. She wants him cremated and the ashes sold on E Bay, like a normal person.

Today is the 100th anniversary of air conditioning. See Ted Williams.

Editors of TV Guide have come out with a new list ranking; "The Jerry Springer Show" as the worst show ever. Personally, I think it’s shameful how they snubbed; “Saved by the Bell, the College Years.” Skreech, you got hosed, babe.

The Dallas Cowboys have the biggest player in football ever, 6ft 6, 410 pound Aaron Gibson. Gibson is so fat he has to take steroids just to be able to lift himself out of bed.

On average, children laugh 400 times per day. Adults, on the other hand, only laugh 15 times per day. As of right now, we are hereby abolishing the 18-and-over age limit for our readers. Adults laugh 15 times a day? Come on folks, you have some catching up to do.

Lance Armstrong is in second place in the Tour De France. The Tour is over 2,000 miles on those skinny little seats. These guys have to have the sorest butts in all of sports, well, next to Allen Iverson’s. (Allen is in jail. Oh, never mind.)

Viagra pitch-man Texas Ranger Rafael Palmeiro became upset when he came to the plate and the rival P.A. announcer played the theme to the old cartoon, Woody Woodpecker. It could have been worse, they could have played the Stones; “I Can’ Get No Satisfaction.”

Farmers in Mexico finally released 19 hostages in a in a dispute with the government. For four days, both sides were held at bay in the conflict. Gosh, a standoff in Mexico, what are the odds?

By Slickity Howdy You 'ol Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

By the way, I have a new band name: Martha's Stock Broker

Well, let's start with some good 'ol groveling. Sorry I ain't updated in a while. Part of the reason might be explained by the fact that NOBODY READS THIS DAMN THING. Do they? Folks, us comedy writers are needier than a lost labrador puppy in the rain. Give me some feedback.

Any who.

A top FBI official said he believes Osama bin Laden is dead. Do you realize what this means? If the FBI said he is dead, not only is he alive, but he is probably training for the Hawaiian Iron Man Triathlon.

It was hot in Southern California today. People hung around Michael Jackson just for the shiver they got from how creepy he is. It’s hot. Today, I drove through Englewood just so I could get my face slammed down on the cool hood of a police car.It’s been so hot, people are hanging out at investment firms just to catch the breeze from the falling stocks.

I heard a radio commercial with bald NFL Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw pitching Super Cuts hair salons. That’s like Allen Iverson plugging Brink’s Home security.

Rep. James Traficant, told a House panel he is innocent of federal charges that have been brought against him. Traficant is hiding under patriotism, false sympathy and the worst looking rug anyone has ever stepped under.Did you see the carpet on Traficant’s head? I’ve seen better looking rugs at Graceland.

The Bahamas Department of Civil Aviation announced that toxicology tests on the body of the pilot of the doomed flight that claimed singer Aayliah, turned up cocaine and alcohol in his system. Today the pilot was named an honorary America West pilot post mortem.

A congressional investigation found at least 200 Army personnel used their government charge cards to obtain hundreds of dollars in cash at strip clubs for lap dances and “other services.” Their new slogan is; “An Army of One . . . horny bunch of guys.” The soldiers claimed they were just working on their prisoner investigation and frisking skills. To tip the strippers, the soldiers used the credit card to buy an Army of ones.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress that the economy is on the road to full recovery. That’s like the Captain of the Titanic announcing that deck chairs are arranged perfectly.

David Hasselhoff is 50. That’s a tough milestone for a guy. The good news for Hasselhoff is that, after twenty years, he can finally let out his gut. Nobody cares anymore.

On this date in 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York, saying he was headed for California; he ended up in Ireland, earning the nickname ''Wrong Way Corrigan.'' Corrigan then ended up drinking in the pubs in Ireland, and later went on to form America West airlines.

Playboy will release an issue that will feature the women of Arthur Andersen. First it was the women of Enron, now the women of Arthur Anderson. Let’s all hope the WNBA doesn’t go bankrupt.