Paddle out to the lineup and get stoked, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Polygamist Warren Jeffs is on trial for rape and faces ten years to life imprisonment. Upon hearing this, Jeffs looked at his 20 wives and asked the judge; “Could you make it life?”

In an interview with “The Daily Beast” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt admit, due to whoring-out for fame, they’re universally despised, alienated from friends and family, destroyed their appearance with plastic surgery and they’re broke. But they said they wouldn’t change a thing. Oh my word, do you realize what this means? They are even stupider than we thought.

After 20 months in prison for shooting himself in the thigh inside a nightclub, Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. Jets coach, Rex Ryan, needs the troublesome Burress like he needs a hole in his leg.

That’s a great idea, having a guy with Plaxico’s troubled nightclub past in New York City worked out so well before.

Controversial Wide Receiver Randy Moss announced he is retiring. Retirement should prove an easy adjustment for Moss, but instead of taking entire plays off, he’ll be taking entire seasons off.

Moss said he wants to spend more time not trying hard for his family.

That’s surprising, because of the lack of effort Moss put out, I thought he was already retired.

HBO’s “Entourage” is in its final season. If you don’t know, “Entourage” used to be a show with a bunch of actors playing a bunch of terrible Hollywood douche-bags. But it has evolved into a show about a bunch of huge Hollywood douche-bags playing a bunch of terrible actors.


Since you asked:
Gals, if you’re ideal guy smells like a combination of sea salt, oak wood smoke, Mount Gay Rum, Eternity cologne and the stench of rampant sarcasm, then ladies, I am your man. But check with my wife, Virg, first.

Let me pass on to you Slattewlies and Nuggleries four relatively inexpensive items I have received or purchased that have increased the quality of my life very much.

One was a little teak wood back scratch from Hawaii AC got me. Just having it at my desk I had no idea how much my back itches and I use it all the time and I look and feel like Wrigley getting his butt scratched. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

The second is coconut water. When inside with a Mount Gay Rum in my beloved San Diego Sunsets or by itself, it prevents hangovers and cures bonking after I surf.

For around $35, I bought a pair of iPod ear phones. Not ear buds, but the speakers that go outside your ears. Brand name Skullcandy. Oh my word, the volume is higher and the bass is unbelievable.

The most expensive but the biggest impact is a new stronger shower head. Four years ago we did a total remodel and our bathrooms are amazing with higher sinks, a hot tub, marble shower, higher toilets.

But we had this low-flow shower head that just dribbled on you. It took forever to heat up and forever to wash your hair. Now we got a full blown blaster and it is so nice.

Make it five things

Oak wood lump charcoal. Just for a change from mesquite, it has a different flavor and it is awesome on a steak. Here is a great grilling tip. You know how I told you to get a wood smoker box for the gas grill?

Well, when I use the two-half-circle treys to hold the charcoal in the Weber, invariably there is wood left over. Use that leftover wood to fill up your gas grill smoker. So when I want to do quick burgers or fish or chicken breasts or a quesadilla on the gas grill, I heat up the grill with the smoker - soak the wood ahead of time - and place that on the grill until it starts to smoke.

Marisa Miller launches her own line of SUP boards. I launch my own something else. Sorry.

All the cool kids are trying it

They been ho'in and it be showin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A Vegan group’s ad claims hot dogs are just as bad for you as cigarettes. Not sure about that, but hot dogs are a lot harder to keep lit.

A Vegan group’s ad claims hot dogs are just as bad for you as cigarettes. Gosh, I am so glad, for a while there I thought people thought of vegans as whacky, over-reactionaries.

It was a group of Vegan doctors. Can you imagine a group snottier than Vegan doctors? They make you wait an hour to insult your eating habits.

The Oakland Raiders have hired a cheerleader who is a grandmother. She even has her own cheer: “Two bits, four bits, six bits a buck, oh shoot, I forgot what I was going to say . . .”

“Sports Illustrated” had a player’s poll: who is the most entertaining player to chat with on the base paths? The winner was San Diego Padre, Orlando Hudson. Of course none of the Seattle Mariners qualified. Not because they’re not entertaining, they don’t ever get on base.

A survey reveals baseball games are 20 minutes longer than they were 30 years ago. More bad news for Seattle Mariners fans.

A survey reveals baseball games are 20 minutes longer than they were 30 years ago. Gosh, I wonder why that would be? (Call time out. Step out of the batters box. Adjust batting gloves. Adjust hat, belt, shoes, crotch. Step back in. Dig in cleats. Take practice swings.)

The big craze with pro athletes is planking. NBA stars Dwight Howard and Gilbert Arenas both planked on top of their SUVs in a car wash. Don’t confuse planking with the Seattle Mariners, their new craze is tanking.

A Vegan group’s ad claims hot dogs are just as bad for you as cigarettes. Hot dog lovers dispute this claim and point out that, while not the healthiest of foods, hot dogs are way better for you than injecting heroin into your eyeballs with rusty needles.

Plaxico Burress went from 20 months in prison to the New York Jets; wouldn’t he be more comfortable at the Cincinnati Bengals? It is more of a balance between felons and the NFL.

Good move for the Jets, I’ve said it before, Burress is possibly the greatest wide receiver ever named Plaxico.

A survey reveals baseball games are 20 minutes longer than they were 30 years ago. Gosh, I wonder why that would be? Boston’s Omar Garciaparro used to adjust his batting gloves so much he annoyed Rainman.

Controversial wide receiver Randy Moss has retired. Moss wants to spend more time not trying with his family.



Since you asked:

Besides talking on a hand held phone while driving and stopping in the crosswalk, a good measure of a person’s stupid, lazy-ass, douche-ability is how much noise they make with their footwear when they walk. You can actually hear the words “Douche” and “Bag” when their sandals or sneakers shuffle on the ground. How much more effort does it require not to make that annoying noise? So small it can't be measured. But they would rather annoy the rest of us with that noise than put in that effort.

Jason Segel & Paul Rudd Meet Rush

Although I am not a huge Rush fan, this cracks me up no end.

Toats McGoats, cue sigh and eye-roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The Navy trains and deploys for missions 75 dolphins and 35 sea lions. It was awkward, when Sarah Palin heard this she said; “Wow, I knew the Navy used seals, but I didn’t know about dolphins and sea lions.

Ann Coulter appeared on the “Joy Bahar Show” and said she believes gays can pray away the gay. This is interesting coming from a woman who has scared straight men gay.

Former Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is considering another run for president. Asked to comment, former President George W. Bush said; “Heh, heh. His name is Putin.”

An AWOL Pfc., Nasar Abdo, was caught with bombs in his hotel room and planned to bomb a restaurant at Fort Hood. Abdo was granted conscientious objector status for his devout Muslim beliefs. Gosh, if there had only been a red flag that could have alerted authorities about this near tragedy earlier.

Apparently his “I Heart Osama Bin Laden” t-shirt didn’t raise enough suspicions.

The Washington Redskins traded troubled malcontent, Albert Haynesworth, to the New England Patriots. I don’t want to say Haynesworth is lazy, but his idea of cooking is calling Dominoes on speed dial.

I don’t want to say Haynesworth is lazy, but he wears Depends adult diapers and he doesn’t have a bladder control problem.

I don’t want to say Haynesworth is fat, but his cell phone screen saver is a picture of deep fried twinkie.

Remember the astronaut, Lisa Nowak, who drove all night in an adult diaper from Houston to Orlando to pepper spray a romantic rival in 2007? She was just discharged from the Navy. It took the Navy four years. I’m guessing this isn’t the same department that killed Osama bin Laden

Since you asked:
What a great day stand up paddle boarding with the family and three good friends at Carlsbad Lagoon. Fun, water, games, dogs, exercise, laughs, hanging at the beach. It had a real old-time California vibe.

"Hello, my name is Alex and I am a "Shark Week" aholic, man-whore, slut."

Congratulate me, Slattiloses and Nuggliasaureses, last early evening, I was able to turn on my outdoor speaker playlist, go outside, pet Wrigley and fire up the grill without thinking I would see Kasey. Only took me 21 days. Nobody ever said I was a genius.

Actually, one guy I used to write for called me a comedy writing genius. He will not return my e-mails. So how did that genius thing work out for me?