Anyone else notice the resemblance? 

There is a new beer, Super Critical Ale, that contains marijuana. How fat and lazy have we become when getting drunk and high separately is too much work? 

As Hurricane Harvey builds off the coast of Texas, as a drastic move they are thinking of bringing in the Cleveland Browns. That way they can be sure it won’t touchdown.

Coldplay has postponed their Friday concert in Houston due to Hurricane Harvey. “You’re welcome,” said God.

In Australia, streets named for “Game of Thrones” characters had to change Lannister Road due to complaints of Cersei and Jamie’s incest. And drivers on Theon Street kept getting cut off. 

(And no, I am not tacky enough to say Tyrion Street was too short) 

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A New Jersey woman was hospitalized after a fidget spinner got stuck in her vagina. She is fine and she has been named an honorary Kardashian. 

On the bright side, at least we know Snookie is alive and well.

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Private jet space in Las Vegas’ McCarran airport is being limited for the McGregor-Mayweather fight. In addition, jets will be charged for a full hour even though the fight will be over in two minutes. 

This is why other countries hate us. 


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Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin, is being accused of arranging a fake, expensive trip to Fort Knox to see the full eclipse. Mnuchin denied this as he prepared to leave for Las Vegas to supervise a Casino cash flow investigation that just happens to be during the McGregor-Mayweather fight. 


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Private jets space in Las Vegas’ McCarran airport is being limited for the McGregor-Mayweather fight. Due to the probable brevity of the fight, the jets will barely have time to refuel, restock Crystal champagne and fill up the gold bath tubs with caviar. 

ESPN decided not to have their announcer, Robert Lee, work the Virginia game because his name is like Robert E. Lee. And sideline reporter Kay K. Kase is out too.

At this time I would like to sincerely congratulate Mavis Wancyzk for winning the $758 mil. Powerball, and I wish her all the happiness in the world, or my name isn’t Alex Wancyzk Kaseberg.

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A juror in the fraud conviction of Despised-Aids-Drug-Gouger, Martin Shkreli, said Shkreli was his own worst enemy. And he was also his own worst enema. 

It turns out being the worst human since Bernie Madoff is not a good legal ploy.

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Congratulations to Mavis Wancyzk on winning the $758 mil Powerball. To give you an idea how rich Mavis is, she can now go on Instagram and insult Louise Linton.

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During Donald Trump’s speech in Phoenix, protesters threw water bottles at the police. Several of the police were treated for being over-hydrated.


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A teacher in California upset parents when she read children a book on transgenderism. And they really did not like it when she read “Bi-Curious George.”

A New Jersey woman was hospitalized after a fidget spinner got stuck in her vagina. And you don’t even want to know what happened to the naked Florida guy and his drone. 

The New England Patriots gave Donald Trump a Super Bowl ring. Now Vladimir Putin will have two Patriot Super Bowl rings.

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USC unveiled a statue with a Shakespeare quote, but they misspelled Shakespeare. Adding credence to the rumor the only spelling USC cares about is on the tuition checks. 

Asked to comment, USC said, “Who cares? As long as we have a good football seeson.”

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Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, insulted a mother of three for not being rich. To be fair, Linton is crabby because she is mnenstruating, 

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 Hillary Clinton’s book, “What Happened.” At the debate, Hillary said Trump made her skin crawl. To which Trump replied, “I give all the ladies goosebumps.” 

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Mark Wahlberg was named the highest paid actor in 2017. And just like that, we understand why  Daniel Day-Lewis and Matt LeBlanc are retiring.

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The San Francisco Forty Niners assistant coach, Katie Sowers, is the first full-time gay coach in the NFL. Well, if you don’t count the Cowboy cheerleader’s private dance choreographer, Alphonse. 

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Donald Trump has declared war on the press. And why not? It worked so well for Richard Nixon. 

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It's been a few days since the eclipse. And today the eclipse announced it will appear on “Dancing with the Stars.” 

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Researchers claim procrastination is inherited. It may be true. When my dad got mad at me, he’d joke, “Why did I put off getting condoms?” 

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The San Francisco Forty Niners assistant coach, Katie Sowers, is the first full-time gay coach in the NFL. Katie works with the wide receivers. 

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In Phoenix, Donald Trump used the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” at his rally. And when Sec. of Treasury, Steve Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, walks into a room, Trump plays the Stones’ “Bitch.”

USC unveiled a statue with a Shakespeare quote, but they misspelled Shakespeare. Asked to comment, USC said, “Who cares? As long as we have a good football seeson.”

Treas. Sec., Steve Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, insulted a mother of three for not being rich. To be fair, Linton is mnenstruating.

It is only fair to squelch the rumors: Louise Linton and Felicia Gingrich are not, repeat, not spawn of White Walkers. 

Cleveland Browns tight end, Seth DeValve, became the first white player to kneel in protest during the National Anthem. But to be brutally candid, he is a member of the 1-15 Cleveland Browns, DeValve could have just been too weak to stand.

As much as I genuinely loved the eclipse, this may have eclipsed the eclipse. 

USC's centerpiece to a $700 million renovation features this statue with a quote from "Hamlet," but they misspelled Shakespeare. 

Plus they quoted Hamlet, "Two bees or not two bees."


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The wife of the Treas. Sec, Steve Mnuchin, Louise Linton, insulted a Portland mother of three for having less money than she does. Linton did win the J.D. Powers and Associates Award for Biggest Bitch.

In case you were having a bad day, here is a picture of a bunny with two pancakes on its head. He puts the hop in I-Hop. 


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“What’s the big deal about the eclipse?” I get to see a blackout during the day every day,” said Tiger Woods.

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The wife of the Treas. Sec, Steve Mnuchin, Louise Linton, insulted a Portland mother of three, on Instagram, for having less money than she does. On the bright side, Linton has been named Sec. of PMS.



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A man in Texas was arrested for having sex with a chainlink fence. At least he did not have sex with a picket fence, that would have been weird.

And he was charged with trespassing. And then not trespassing. And then trespassing. And then not trespassing.

In Sweden, a man got up close and filmed a rare white moose. It is, without question, the biggest white moose not named Rob Gronkowski.

The Secret Service claims it’s gone broke protecting the Trumps. Eric and Donald Jr.’s codenames cost a fortune. They have to pay royalties for Beavis and Butthead.

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Tiger Woods is threatening to sue Celeb Jihad over nude pics of Tiger they posted. Not to go into details, but Tiger is upset because the pictures show he could have used more club.

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Chris Christie said he is no longer interested in being a sports talk radio host. As to what career Christie will pursue, he said he’ll close that bridge when he comes to it.

We can also rule out kale salesman and yoga instructor. 

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Financial experts have said there are four things that can’t go broke, casinos, booze, football and the Secret Service. “Hold my beer,” said Donald Trump.

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There are rumors President Trump is getting ready to resign. But you have to be careful with rumors, there are rumors I’m dating Margot Robbie, but I know they’re not true because I started them.

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All my life they’ve threatened fun things to do will make you go blind. Don’t look at the eclipse, you’ll go blind. Don’t masturbate, you’ll go blind. Don’t shoot heroin into your eyeballs, you’ll go blind. 

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The Ice Dragon on “Game of Thrones,” the solar eclipse, this is the most exciting time for nerds since asthma inhalers came in cherry flavor. 

Weekend Update: Tina Fey on Protesting After Charlottesville - SNL

How jacked-up are over-sensitive people? Tina Fey's hilarious spoof on herself, making fun of her stress-eating and hoping good people do not get hurt, was criticized with Marie Antoinette comments and, believe this or not, snarks about desecrating the flag and stereotyping black trans as dangerous. Wow. 

TS and NR’s, I have some exciting news: I have been named by President Trump to be Sec. of Comedy to add levity to an otherwise tense and, oh, wait, no, I’ve been fired.



Many NFL stadiums will offer food and drink delivery right to the fan’s seat. Which is too bad, because walking to get their food was the only exercise most New York Jets* fans got.



On the night of his DUI, Tiger Woods had five drugs in his system. Once an over-achiever, always an over-achiever.




Researchers say women can have super orgasms. Super orgasms are achieved through stretching, meditation, a washing machine and a copy of “50 Shades of Grey.”




President Trump referred to Neo-Nazis as history buffs. And Skinheads are shaved-scalp enthusiasts. White Supremacists are Opaque Promoters. 



A study claims 87% have groomed some or all of their pubic hair. And no, this study did not come from the Bush Library. 




Former Charger 2nd draft pick bust, Ryan Leaf, has joined SiriusFM radio’s college football channel. Leaf’s first show did not go well. When Leaf passed the mic to the host, the pass was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. 




Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. Although, since Charlottesville, I think it is now called Poop-the-Bedminster. 



Donald Trump left New York to return to his vacation in Bedminster, NJ. More bad news for Trump. Chris Christie closed the bridge to get there.



Donald Trump tweeted our country needs to heal, but he misspelled heal with two E’s.  Twice.  You can understand why Trump would use heel because he has his foot in his mouth so much.



Some people are upset USC's mascot horse, Traveler, is named after Robert E. Lee's horse. And they don't like the monuments he leaves on the field.

(Not a USC fan, but clearly we have run out of more important things of which to be offended)





Since you asked:

People think being rich means solving all their problems by luxuriating in a gold bathtub of Russian beluga caviar while sipping French Crystal champagne on a private Lear Jet. 

And then, if they strike it rich, suddenly they are squirming in a cold pile of smelly fish eggs and sipping something in a whimpy glass that is not nearly as good as an Old Style beer. 

The private jet part is super cool AF though. 


A friend of mine was so bitterly furious while telling me about how badly he has been treated as a white, small-business owner under Obama, I was worried he would burst a capillary. (Trust me, he is far from a racist. I would not have a friend who is a racist) 

This conversation happened in his company’s luxury box at Petco Park after he got back from a yacht cruise in the Caribbean.

Believe me, I am no class warrior. This guy worked in his father’s auto-repair shop instead of going to college, he has worked hard all of his life and sacrificed a lot for his amazingly wonderful family. 

But I do think it may be a good time for people, on both sides, to stop and ask themselves why they’re so damned angry. 


*That New York Jets joke about Jets fans being fat and lazy sounds mean. And it is. But I came by it naturally. 

In 1984, working on Wall Street, I went to Giants game in 1984 with a client, the year when my beloved Bears won the 1985 Super Bowl. The Giants experience, including tailgating at Giants Stadium with food from the DeLaurenti Deli, was so fun, friendly and festive, I jumped on the chance to get tickets for two weeks later when the Bears were in town to face the Jets. 

And no, I was not wearing Bears gear. Once I made that mistake wearing a Cubs hat to a Mets game. After the third time a coward threw a beer at me and ran away, I finally had to take the Cubs hat off, to the cheers of the crowd. (Not exactly the same vibe as Wrigley Field. Mets fans are cut out of the same polyester cloth "Kiss" t-shirt as Jets fans) 

The Jets fans were so loud, so obnoxious, so foul-mouthed and so drunk, I could not wait to get out of there. 

Here is a good general rule: Avoid stadiums with teams where they hire a full-time judge to pass judgment on miscreants and they have a jail cell to put them in.  (Eagles and Jets) 


RIP Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis was considered a comedy genius in France. And, yet, despite this, Americans still adored him.



Started out a huge fan of “The Knick.” Then it got depressing. Then it got way too depressing. But now it is good again. And they cast comedians, like Tom Papa and Jim Norton. And the dialog has some genuine, high-quality humor. Like when Typhoid Mary is sworn-in during her trial and the hefty, jamoke health detective blurts out, 

“You might want to throw away that bible, Judge.” 

In fact, “The Knick” character, Tom Cleary - played by Chris Sullivan of “This Is Us” fame -  is one of the funniest I have ever seen on any show. Big, loud, crude, foul-mouthed and yes, somehow extremely kind-hearted, funny and lovable. 

There are so few of us.