Saturday, February 20, 2010

In his sex affair press conference apology, Tiger Woods said he is going to return to Buddhism to help cure his sex addiction; he may be on to something, the fastest way a guy can cure sex addiction is to become like Buddha: poor, bald and fat.

Friday, February 19, 2010

This just in:

More controversy from the Vancouver Olympics. It is rumored that one of the male figure skaters has tested positive for extremely high levels of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume.
More controversy from the Vancouver Olympics. One of the male figure skaters tested positive for acute levels of fierceness.
I have such a crush on Julia Mancuso, I am going to find out where she lives and ride my bike slowly past her house.

You hangin' or bangin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Tiger Woods held a press conference to apologize for his many affairs; there was an awkward moment when a writer asked Tiger about his mea culpa, Tiger said; "I'm not sure I remember a Mea, but I am sorry about sleeping with her as well."

I like that newly elected republican Senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, he reminds me of a guy who likes to tell people; “Let me play with the numbers and get back to you.”

More Vancouver Olympics facts. Did you know that double- silver medal skier Julia Mancuso’s father did prison time for running a $140 million marijuana ring? Being around that much pot, it’s a miracle Julia did not turn out to be a criminal, or even worse, a snowboarder.

I like that Massachusetts republican senator, Scott Brown, he reminds me of a guy who always brings extra ice to a cocktail party.

I like that Massachusetts republican senator, Scott Brown, he reminds me of a guy who likes to wink and point a pistol finger at someone and say; “Kahhpewwwww.”

I like that Massachusetts republican senator, Scott Brown, he reminds me of a guy who likes to ask his golden retriever, “Who’s a good boy? Is Skipper a good boy? Yes he is. ”

I like that Massachusetts republican senator, Scott Brown, he reminds me of a guy who can fix anything with duct tape or a can of WD-40.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Cheeses and butter and nuts and such, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Some controversy at the Vancouver Olympics. Today three of the men’s figure skaters tested positive for Appletinis.

Some controversy at the Vancouver Olympics. One of the men curling sweepers tested positive for a dust buster.

Tiger is scheduled to talk to the press on Friday. It’s the launch of Tiger’s “Too Little Too Late” World Tour.

Several thoughts pop up. First the timing is suspect, it will upstage the Accenture Match Play. Accenture was the first sponsor to dump Tiger, so the timing of the press conference shows absolutely no class at all and is, in fact, petty and vindictive.

Which leads to my second thought. No matter how atrociously an athlete behaves, there have always been a few of their fellow athletes to come out and publicly support them. Even Michael Vick had a number of players who supported him, much to their dismay when the public lashed back at them.

But not one single golfer came out and supported Tiger besides the transparent; “I hope he and his family can work this out.” Even Tiger’s alleged good friend Mark O’Meara did not say word one. Clearly Tiger’s aloofness and his bully camp and his thug caddy, Steve Williams, his famous tipping cheapness, down to his phony family man act while blatantly debauching with every tart on tour created resentment and animosity that went way beyond the increase in money Tiger brought to the tour.

A few of the players - I forget who - even took a swipe at Tiger’s wife, Elin saying she would never leave Tiger because he is the money maker and she is about the money.

And as Accenture will verify, Tiger is vindictive as hell. Tiger, ala Michael Jordan, needs to have hated enemies to get his blood flowing and apparently there will be no shortage of them when and if he does return to the tour. Ernie "The Big Easy" Els called Tiger selfish for doing the press conference during the tournament.

In the words of the great announcer, Keith Jackson, when it comes to the tour players and Tiger Woods, these folks just flat out don’t care for one another.

And holding a press conference that upstages a tournament will not help. In fact, it is possible that Tiger is suddenly aware - outside of his butt-smooching inner Nike/IMG circle - that he is so unwanted and his image is so destroyed, and his path to redemption is so rocky, he might finally realize it, say screw this and announce he is retiring. Now that, if what some of the player insinuated about her is true, would make Elin angry.

But that is doubtful. Now that we know the real dark side of Tiger, there are too many scores to settle and he can’t do that from his Yacht, Privacy.

So finally we will get to see which is the real Tiger. Is the real Tiger the angry club-throwing, swearing golf shot monster in a red shirt and black hat terrifying his opponents on Sunday afternoon? Or is the real Tiger the pathetic figure described during his layoff to be depressed and eating Fruit Loops cereal in his underwear while watching “Flintstones” cartoons?

Is Tiger the handsome young lion - excuse my mixing my animal metaphors - in the Green Masters Jacket at beautiful Augusta? Or is Tiger the dork nicknamed Urkle in tube socks actually named Eldrick from a dated faux wood, aluminum and Formica tract home in the shade of the freeway in smoggy Bellflower?

Is Tiger the loving husband getting adoring licks from his dogs curled up on the couch with his beautiful wife and gorgeous children? Or is Tiger the sloppy drunk at last call pawing the Orlando cocktail waitress named Amber, she of the spray tan, skin sparkles, tramp stamp and hair extensions?

Friday we will get a glimpse.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Oh, darn, did I put this in again by mistake? Oops.

This just in:

To be blunt, I was not impressed by the Olympics last night. The skiing was not good, there wasn’t very good skating, there was no sledding at all. And when did Ellen Degeneres become a figure skating judge anyway?

In two separate surveys, Fresno was ranked the stupidest city and the drunkest city. If it also gets named the fattest and ugliest city, Fresno will have to change its name to Darrell, after my sister-in-law’s ex-husband.

In two separate surveys, Fresno was ranked the stupidest city and the drunkest city. You know a city has it tough when even Trenton is making jokes about you.

More sporting facts about Canada are coming out due to the Olympics; did you know the native Inuit dogs pull sleds their whole lives but they hardly ever enter the Iditarod Dogsled race? Why? The Inuit are just not into it.

In an interview when asked how it felt to be an Olympian, US snowboarder, Graham Watanabe said;

“Try to imagine Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth. I somehow tame it and ride it in the sky in the clouds and sunshine and rainbows.”

And they accuse snowboarders of using drugs. Where do they get that?

An Italian chef’s cooking show was suspended after he admitted on air he ate and liked cat stew; and you don’t even want to know what pet he puts into his recipe for Fettuccini al Fido.

Funniest thing I have read on Twitter so far? A woman who wrote:

"A child at my son's school told the teacher "I am not wearing any underwear, just like my Mom." Gosh, I bet that woman really embarrassed myself."

Since you asked:

As a thorough researcher attempting to mine comedy from sports, I (cough) researched the swimsuit edition of "Sports Illustrated." And by swimsuit, I mean these suits have as much to do with swimming as gentlemen have to do with Gentlemen's clubs.

What I gleaned, what I learned, what I deciphered, what I gathered is that there is almost no possible way to un-hot a hot chick. They put these poor girls in sand, dirt, mud, they get them hot and sweaty, the paint over them, they cover them in animals including slimy lizards and disgusting pigeons, and guess what?

They're still hot.

In fact, the only possible way to un-hot a totally hot "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit cover model, like Bar Refaeli?

Put her on "Letterman" and let her talk. She went from a 10 to a 5 in two sentences flat.

The best part of this picture? OK, the fifth best part of this picture? Look at the 'mokes behind the girls going nuts.

Sometimes I like to pack a meat sandwich and just be*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Men’s Health” magazine ranked Fresno, CA as the drunkest city; in a related story, Fresno was ranked the greatest place for ugly people to hook up.

To give you an idea how drunk the people of Fresno are, the name of the city is actually pronounced Francescadero.

Upon hearing “Men’s Health” magazine ranked Fresno, CA as the drunkest city; the residents of Fresno pointed their index finger upward, looked at and said; “We’re number two.”

“Men’s Health” magazine ranked Fresno, CA as the drunkest city and a study by “The Daily” ranked Fresno as the stupidest city. So not only is Fresno the drunkest city, it is also the stupidest city, so apparently Fresno is my sister-in-law’s ex-husband, Darrell.

The residents of Fresno are so furious at being named the drunkest city, they staggered out of their taverns, attacked the closest newsstands and urinated on all the copies of “Men’s Health” magazine.

At the Vancouver Olympics, Aya Yasuda of Japan was disqualified from the Luge for being overweight. That is how you know you are out of shape, when you are too fat to lie on a sled.

Yasuda was considered a favorite because she was on a sled made by Toyota that some considered unstoppable.

The Westminster Dog Show was protested by PETA. These dogs are hand- bathed, massaged, groomed, fed gourmet food and pampered in every possible way. I, Alex Kaseberg, am officially starting my own version of PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Alex.

*Five points if you can name that reference.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tanith "Come on Scorchin' Betty, bambalam" Belbin

We got our Vancouver Winter Olympics on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The movie “The Wolfman” opened this weekend along with “Valentines Day.” The movie “The Wolfman” is about a man who is half-man, half-wolf, the movie “Valentines Day” has an audience with men who are half-men, half-women.

At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, when we heard the men’s moguls silver medalist, Australia’s Dale Begg-Smith, has earned millions in Spam and online scams, admit it, how many secretly wished Begg-Smith’s results would be wiped out by a Spam-generated computer virus?

At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, the US men’s snowboard pants are designed to look like faded baggy jeans. After the Olympics, they will be available to the public, butt-crack sold separately.

In New York City it is Fashion Week and the Westminster Dog Show; either way, New York tourists, please do not touch the hungry bitches, they will bite.

The US men’s Olympic snowboard pants are designed to look like faded baggy jeans. After the Olympics, they will be available to the public and will be offered in different shades of blue including “Whoa, dude” azure, “Totally stoked” cobalt and “Way Gnarly” navy.

At the Winter Olympics, I have to admit I am not a fan of the women’s luge; if they are going to give an award for a woman who can lay still on her back the most, where is Hillary Clinton’s gold medal?

Since you asked:

Thank goodness for the Winter Olympics. Several times I looked into the sports abyss that is the time between the Super Bowl and the Masters and saw empty despair only to remember the Olympics (and the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition) and, suddenly I knew I would make it.

As much as I love the events and the human interest stories, I have to admit the Winter Olympics has a kind of suspicious NASCAR-like only-eight-guys-too-cozy feel. Let’s face it, the Nordic combined on the regular hill – as opposed to the big hill - isn’t exactly the level of competition as the hundreds of top golfers in the world fighting it out at “The Masters.”

For the most part, skiing and snowboarding and skating get a pass as totally legitimate. Some traditionalists look down their noses at snowboarding, but they have to take the ski pole out of their butts. Snowboarding is awesome even if is relatively new. It’s like the Triathlon in the Summer Olympics. Cool new events beat the hell out of stodgy old events. Curling looks like a blast and I am all for sports you can play while drinking heavily. But an Olympic event? Really?

However, like the Summer Olympics, I sense some of the Winter events have a “I invented the sport in my backyard and basement” made up feel. For example, Apolo Ohno is great, but, if he is so fast, why doesn’t he compete in long-track speed skating? And is there really a big difference in skating 1,000 meters and 1,500 meters? So why two different events?

It’s like I said of the rowing in the summer Olympics; if you created a human rowing machine he could win ten gold medals just because of all the myriad possibilities in distances and different rower combinations.

And swimming should just be who travels the fastest for a distance no matter which stroke they use. You don’t have a men’s 100 meter running backwards. Why a medal for the backstroke? And the swimming distances should truly be limited to a sprint, a middle distance and an endurance event like they are in track.

The Women’s Luge loses me. If I want to see a woman lie still on her back – no, I better not. And the Skeleton? Congratulations, you are one of the best of the total of eight people in the world who do this. And who decides who does the Luge or the Skeleton?

“You know, Carl, as a Luge’r, you’re just not that great at lying on your back. Have you thought of lying on your stomach? Look at you, you’re a born Skeleton’r. ”

Even the pairs figure skating doesn’t get a complete pass. If these people are the best in the world, why do so many of them fall so much in a routine they have practiced a billion times? And can anyone explain the difference between pairs figure skating and dance figure skating? Which one has that scorching Betty, Tanith Belbin?

Speaking of hot Bettys, how about all those winter Olympics babes half-naked in the swimsuit edition of “Sports Illustrated”? Thanks to Lindsay Vonn, Hannah Teter, Lacy Schnoor and Clair Bidez, we might have our first Winter HOlympics. And why wasn’t scorching Betty, Tanith Belbin, in the swimsuit edition?

These are just a few of the questions I have going into tonight’s Olympic festivities which are exciting indeed. Women’s snowboard cross – keep the hot-dogging to a minimum, Lindsey Jacobellis. And that men’s skiing event that isn’t the downhill, but is still cool. Go Bode.

No, the Winter Olympics are great, but right now I only have Olympic cough-due-to-cold. By this time next week, I am certain it will be a full-blown Olympic fever.

And then it is bring on the Curling, buuuhhh beeeeeee. After that, Olympic fever will be replaced by Olympic Hangover.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Five words: hip, hip, hurray Hannah Kearney, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, I loved the Biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting, or as they also call it: a Minnesota Drive-bye.

The Biathlon was close right up until the Frenchman heard gunshots, then there was no catching him.

The only other winter event that combines it's sport with gun-play - besides the NBA - is Curling where the spectators often try to kill themselves out of sheer drunken boredom.

Be honest, when you heard men's mogul silver medalist, Australian Dale Begg-Smith, has made a fortune in Spam, how many hoped his results would get wiped out by
a Spam-generated computer glitch?

This is a bit of a scary time in New York City, on the heels of a huge winter storm, it is Fashion Week, so, please, do not stack up the super models for cord wood.

Since you asked:

One of my favorite things so far in the Olympics? Being a dad of a girl on a cute but kick-ass soccer team, it has been an inspiration how pretty girls can flat rock a sport and still be sweet and cute.

In the women's moguls, Hannah Kearney hauls and jumps and flies courageously down the mountain and after, we see her little tips of her pig tails curled up on the outside of her helmet. (see: above)

For some reason it reminds me of the story when I watched the little girl ski race in Grand Targhee, Montana. A loud cheer goes up the mountain for one competitor who seemed to be going too slow to deserve such a hearty roar. Turns out she was a little blond six-year-old blind skier who was being guided from behind by her instructor with a harness and shouts of "Left" and "Right."

It was so moving - not a dry eye on the mountain - that I yanked out my phone to call my own six-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, to tell her all about it, ending with:

"It is really important to appreciate what we have."

At Parents Night at school a week later, I see that Ann Caroline was so moved by this story, she drew a crayon picture of the girl, complete with blond pig tails coming out of her helmet, her instructor, almost exactly as I had described, and it was posted on the wall. Plus Ann Caroline had added a caption sort of based on what I told her, but a tad different than; "It is really important to appreciate what we have."

Ann Caroline wrote of the tiny little blind girl bravely skiing through the slalom gates:

"My Dad said it is really important for blind people to appreciate what they have, because they could be deaf too."

This explains why the teacher looked at me funny when I walked in.