Fight for your right to party this weekend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kelly, the winner of “American Idol” will now get the full recording artist treatment. Kelly is doing well. In fact, she is way ahead of schedule. Today Kelly flipped off ten cameramen. Her agent has already booked her space at the Betty Ford center. Here's a little advice: Kelly, whatever you do, don’t make a movie with the word Glitter in the title.

A study, commissioned by Mitsubishi, determined that the worst drivers own BMW's. Ford Explorer drivers would be the worst, but their cars are always upside down.

Bill Clinton said we should get Osama bin Laden before Saddam Hussein. To be honest, ever since bin Laden’s been disguising himself as a woman, I am surprised Clinton hasn’t nailed Osama himself.

Times Square in New York was packed for the world’s biggest tailgate party before the opening game between the San Francisco Forty Niners and the New York Giants. Clinton was there. That’s because he was out the door after he heard the words World’s biggest tail . . .

Following the embarrassing loss to Argentina, the U.S. lost to Yugoslavia insuring no better than fifth at the World Basketball Championship. This was the most embarrassing U.S. international performance since Milli Vanilli’s last world tour. Our NBA filled international teams were 58-0 before these two consecutive loses.

The New York Mets set a league record with 15 home loses in a row. This is the worst home performance since Michael Jackson’s wife wanted to get pregnant. That is the worst performance in New York since Liza Minelli and David Gest’s honeymoon.

An expert said that a sick-acting whale should either be shot or returned to captivity. But enough about Anna Nicole Smith, how about that Keiko the killer whale in Norway story? (You didn't think I would forget her, did you?)

And speaking of recent punching bags, it is not looking good for Martha Stewart; congress says it may bring charges. And today on “Martha Stewart Live” Martha showed how to bake things with tools in them:

“Remember, the cake will cook faster as the metal file inside heats up, so plan to take it out about fifteen minutes early. It's a good thing.”

Did anyone pack your bags for you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

"Is this heaven?"

"No, it's Iowa . . . wait a minute, that Madison County Bridge burned down. Yep, now it's heaven."

In Iowa, the covered wooden bridge made famous by the movie ``The Bridges of Madison County'' was destroyed by arson. Authorities have narrowed the culprit to every single man who ever had to sit through; “The Bridges of Madison County.” Authorities are now on alert to guard the beach in “Beaches.” In a related story, a candy shop named; “Chocolat” reported being vandalized.

Guys hate that movie "The Bridges of Madison County", and yet women think; “Ohhh, but it’s sooo romantic.” OK, women, try this one on for size:

Some stay-at-home farm Dad’s working wife goes out of town on business, so he fools around with some traveling woman photographer. Still sound romantic? Oh, now the guy’s a pig. I see.

It was a little embarrassing in Louisville, President Bush met the Louisville Little League World Series Champs; one Kentucky player introduced the President to his mother and his Aunt, problem was there was only one woman standing there.

The bad news is the New York Mets didn’t win a game at home in August and are in last place, 24 games out of first place. The good news? This year Mike Piazza is having the Palm restaurant cater his Tony Awards party.

The NBA- filled USA lost to Argentina in the World Basketball Championship. That’s like losing a spelling Bee to Anna Nicole Smith. (Did you really think I could go that long without another Anna Nicole joke?)

The Bush administration plans to adopt a small-scale test program of arming commercial pilots, reversing its previous opposition to guns in the cockpit. By small scale, that means they will only initially arm the pilots who aren’t drunk.

Senator Tom Daschle, asked Bush to consult congress before pursuing military action against Iraq. Daschle is the Senate Majority leader as well as the successor to the worst-toupee-in-Congress award since James Traficant was booted out. Did you see that press conference? James Traficant watched from prison and snickered; “Nice rug.”

It was so muggy today that I was sweating “American Idol” snippy judge Simon Cowell meeting the show’s former contestants.

Over the Labor Day weekend reporters from the New York Daily News were able to sneak razor blades, pepper spray, knives, box cutters and corkscrews past security at an airport. Obviously they weren’t going to use any of these things, well, except the corkscrews, they planned to give those to the pilots.

L.A. turned 221 years old today. L.A. was founded on this day in 1781. It would have been founded in 1780, but the guy who had the papers was stuck in traffic on the 405.

The Lazy-Boy company says 50% of their recliners are bought by women. That has to be a horrible dilemma for wives; on one hand, they get to shop for and spend money on furniture, on the other hand, it is something that their husbands love to lie around in.

A new report indicates that teenage girls are more likely to abstain from sex if they have a good relationship with their mother. And teenage boys are more likely to abstain from sex if the teenage girl’s father has a good relationship with a shotgun.

Shaquille O’Neal is going to have surgery on his little toe next week. Of course, Shaq has a little toe like Anna Nicole Smith is a little tacky. (And one Anna Nicole shot for the road)