“Glamour” magazine states that male elephants only last 20 seconds during sex. Which then prompts female elephants to ask; “So, is your trunk broken or something?”
A bear in Croatia has learned to knock on doors, people answer, and then it charges in and steals food. The amazing thing is that the people actually fell for the bears “I’m running for school office” magazine subscription line.
One of the differances, anyway
Thursday in L.A. is the Air Guitar Championship. You know the difference between men and women? Women know they look silly when they play air guitar, men honestly think they’ll be asked to tour with the Rolling Stones.
Sylvester Stallone announced he’ll make “Rocky Six.” Sly is getting up there. In this one, when Rocky drinks his raw eggs, he has to add Metamucil.
In one fight scene, Rocky gets hit so hard it knocks off his reading glasses.
Lance in France
Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. I don’t want to say that Lance is getting cocky but today he slept in for stage 11 he slept late and had to wear the yellow jersey over his pajamas.
Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. Lance’s lead is so big that, after booing Lance, the French spectators have to take a power nap before they can boo the closest rivals.
Brad Pitt has been admitted to a hospital with flu-like symptoms. The attending nurse proscribed that Pitt drink plenty of fluids and to take two of her and then go straight to bed.
Pitt was given intravenous fluids, antibiotics and, for some reason, the nurses on staff have scheduled Brad for a rather lengthy battery of thorough and intense buttocks exams.
Brad Pitt has been admitted to a hospital with flu-like symptoms. Folks, let this be a lesson to you: before attempting sex with Angelina Jolie, make sure you rest and drink plenty of fluids.
How’d you like to be a patient when Brad Pitt is in the hospital? “Nurse, what should I do about this arrow in my head?” “Here’s an ice pack and some aspirin, beat it. Oh Brad, sweety, let me take a look at that poor widdle nasty hangnail.”
Lance in Advance
Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. I don’t want to say Lance is getting cocky, but today Lance put salt on his water bottles and filled them with frozen margaritas.
Do you know what the biggest selling album of all time is? “The Eagles Greatest Hits.” You know the worst selling album ever? “American Idol Contestants Paula Abdul Didn’t Sleep With.”
In the Parlance of France
The Tour De France has many traditions. The yellow jersey goes to the leader, the green jersey goes to the best sprinter, the polka dot jersey goes to the best mountain rider, and there’s a new tradition: the brown jersey. That goes to the rider with the crappiest excuse for losing to Lance Armstrong.
A financial firm is demanding Michael Jackson pay them $48 million dollars. It was awkward, when informed of this, Michael said; “When did I ever molest a financial firm?”
Since you asked:
This is just starting to get as insulting as it is embarrassing. As if it wasn’t bad enough I wasn’t picked as Pope, nobody in the NFL drafted me, and now not one person is mentioning me as a potential Supreme Court Justice nominee. Where is the damn love? Not feeling it. Not feeling it at all, Slats and Nugs.
Man, oh man, who would have guessed the White House was guilty of playa' hatin’?