We flipped 'em, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Heeeellooooo?
“Glamour” magazine states that male elephants only last 20 seconds during sex. Which then prompts female elephants to ask; “So, is your trunk broken or something?”

Bearly plausible
A bear in Croatia has learned to knock on doors, people answer, and then it charges in and steals food. The amazing thing is that the people actually fell for the bears “I’m running for school office” magazine subscription line.

One of the differances, anyway
Thursday in L.A. is the Air Guitar Championship. You know the difference between men and women? Women know they look silly when they play air guitar, men honestly think they’ll be asked to tour with the Rolling Stones.

Yo, Adrian
Sylvester Stallone announced he’ll make “Rocky Six.” Sly is getting up there. In this one, when Rocky drinks his raw eggs, he has to add Metamucil.

In one fight scene, Rocky gets hit so hard it knocks off his reading glasses.

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. I don’t want to say that Lance is getting cocky but today he slept in for stage 11 he slept late and had to wear the yellow jersey over his pajamas.

Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. Lance’s lead is so big that, after booing Lance, the French spectators have to take a power nap before they can boo the closest rivals.


Poor thing
Brad Pitt has been admitted to a hospital with flu-like symptoms. The attending nurse proscribed that Pitt drink plenty of fluids and to take two of her and then go straight to bed.

Pitt was given intravenous fluids, antibiotics and, for some reason, the nurses on staff have scheduled Brad for a rather lengthy battery of thorough and intense buttocks exams.

Brad Pitt has been admitted to a hospital with flu-like symptoms. Folks, let this be a lesson to you: before attempting sex with Angelina Jolie, make sure you rest and drink plenty of fluids.

How’d you like to be a patient when Brad Pitt is in the hospital? “Nurse, what should I do about this arrow in my head?” “Here’s an ice pack and some aspirin, beat it. Oh Brad, sweety, let me take a look at that poor widdle nasty hangnail.”


Lance in Advance
Lance Armstrong has a four minute lead over his closest serious rival after stage 10 in the Alps. I don’t want to say Lance is getting cocky, but today Lance put salt on his water bottles and filled them with frozen margaritas.

Guess who?
Do you know what the biggest selling album of all time is? “The Eagles Greatest Hits.” You know the worst selling album ever? “American Idol Contestants Paula Abdul Didn’t Sleep With.”

In the Parlance of France
The Tour De France has many traditions. The yellow jersey goes to the leader, the green jersey goes to the best sprinter, the polka dot jersey goes to the best mountain rider, and there’s a new tradition: the brown jersey. That goes to the rider with the crappiest excuse for losing to Lance Armstrong.

Oops
A financial firm is demanding Michael Jackson pay them $48 million dollars. It was awkward, when informed of this, Michael said; “When did I ever molest a financial firm?”

Since you asked:

This is just starting to get as insulting as it is embarrassing. As if it wasn’t bad enough I wasn’t picked as Pope, nobody in the NFL drafted me, and now not one person is mentioning me as a potential Supreme Court Justice nominee. Where is the damn love? Not feeling it. Not feeling it at all, Slats and Nugs.

Man, oh man, who would have guessed the White House was guilty of playa' hatin’?

We are wit’ ‘dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Assist to O’Snickity Snake
Former stripper and New York Met pitcher Chris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson, was kicked out of the World Series of Poker for swearing. Anna also said, if she caught her husband cheating on her, she would sleep with the entire New York Mets organization, which brought new meaning to the poker term; “Going all in.”

Former stripper and New York Met pitcher Chris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson, was kicked out of the World Series of Poker for bad language. It seems, when you lose, you can’t yell “We’ll I’ll be a filthy gold digging whore” even if it’s true.


A sure sign
The forty-something author “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” Terry McMillan is having her marriage to her 20-something husband annulled because it turns out he’s gay. She figured out he was gay when he appeared on Oprah and jumped on the couch yelling “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

Good cover
The new novelty in France is dining in total darkness; good idea, this way the French waiters have an excuse to ignore everyone.


The new novelty in France is dining in total darkness; This dining in darkness isn’t new in Paris, is it? How else can you explain the snail dish escargot?

Already there
There were four gorings at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona Spain. It was initially feared that the victims suffered severe brain damage due to their injuries, but then they realized that if they ran with the bulls, brain damage was a preexisting condition.


Weighty study
A new study has found that obese people can lose more weight by walking slowly, than by jogging. It’s also a lot easier on the infrastructure.

A new study has found that obese people can lose more weight by walking slowly, than by jogging. That’s bad news for Nike. They were just about to launch a new running shoe for the obese: the Air Kirsties.


Poor Brad
Brad Pitt was hospitalized with flu-like symptoms. Unofficially, the rumor is that Pitt is suffering from a new form of sexually induced exhaustion called: getting Angelina Jolaid.

I.e. normal
Because L.A.. has the second biggest bus service in the country, passengers have been instructed to look out for suspicious looking people at the bus terminal. Incidentally, suspicious for a bus terminal means anyone who doesn’t look scary or crazy.

Take a pill, Russ
The rumor is that Russell Crowe is going to start his own production company because Crowe’s become so belligerent, nobody wants to work with him. When asked to comment, an assistant to Russell Crowe said; “Man, these head wounds sure do bleed like crazy.”

The rumor is that Russell Crowe is going to start his own production company because Crowe’s become so belligerent, nobody wants to work with him. When asked to comment, an assistant to Russell Crowe said; “I swear I got this black eye from walking into a door. Psst. Help me.”

The rumor is that Russell Crowe is going to start his own production company because Crowe’s become so belligerent, nobody wants to work with him. I think it’s true, the name of Crowe’s company is “Why I oughta . . . productions.”

For the fierce
Warner Brothers announced that will release a three-disc DVD set of “The Wizard of Oz” for $40. For five bucks more, for guys still in the closet, the DVD of “The Wizard of Oz” is also available with a “Girls Gone Wild” cover.

We gonna do this? We gonna do this? Oh, it’s so on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Ruling
In Tennessee, two parents have been given two years probation for hiring a stripper to perform at their son’s 16th birthday party. The Tennessee judge ruled that the parents couldn’t hire a stripper for their son’s 16th birthday no matter how bad his sister needed the money.

Them too
Guess who participated in the Pamplona Spain Running of the Bulls? Ex-Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman. That’s insane, who would want to run in front of something that big, scary, ugly and crazy with a ring stuck in its nose? And besides Rodman, the Bulls are pretty dangerous as well.

A sure sign
Despite a huge drop in both his weight and his home runs, New York Yankee Jason Giambi still vehemently denies he ever used steroids. See, I’m not so sure. Yesterday when Giambi was running to first, his tail fell off.


Watching his step
O.J. Simpson's neighbors phoned the cops last Monday while his girlfriend was beating him. O.J. couldn’t defend himself, he knew that if he hurt her he could go to jail, after all, he’s in Florida, not California.

Ouch
A new study has found that obese people can lose more weight by walking slowly, than by jogging. Obese people do lose weight by jogging, but most of that weight is lost due to chafing.

A new study has found that obese people can lose more weight by walking slowly, than by jogging. So, anyone meeting Kirstie Alley at the all-you-can-eat buffet, she’ll be a little late.

Mean
“The Fantastic Four” is number one at the box office. That’s the movie that came up with the stupid idea of making Jessica Alba invisible. Why make beautiful Jessica Alba invisible? Now if they made Camilla Parker Bowles invisible, I’d be impressed.

“The Fantastic Four” is number one at the box office. That’s the movie that came up with the brilliant idea of making Jessica Alba invisible. That’s like dating Paris Hilton for her brains.


Close call
Hurricane Dennis didn’t do as much damage as was predicted. In the Florida panhandle the only damage was when a teacher bumped her head when she was blown out of her student’s bed.