We rollin’ wit’ a bit-o-edge today, Torn Slattens and Nugget Ranchers
Reality bites as well as sucks
*The new reality show “The Surreal Life” features – among other dubious celebrities - white ex-rapper Vanilla Ice. What a coup. I wonder how they got that guy? Wasn’t Vanilla Ice in the middle of his tour with M.C. Hammer?
Love is a Rose
*The Pete Rose book is interesting. It finally explains why Rose dyed his hair the color of Tang, the orange-flavored breakfast drink.
I’m still not sure that Pete Rose gets it. Now that he has admitted that he bet on baseball, Rose thinks he can get into the Hall of Fame. In fact, he’s giving it five-to-one odds.
Pete Rose has written a book? Here’s my question: Shouldn’t you have read a book before you can write one?
Like we need this
*A bakery in Portland, Oregon is now selling donuts filled with caffeine. That’s good because what this country really needs is more hyper fat guys. We need more Tom Arnolds, yeah that’s it.
All that gold digging slimmed her down
*Have you seen Anna Nicole Smith in Trim Spa ads? She’s lost a ton of weight. This is the most weight Anna Nicole’s lost since the 90 pounds she dumped when she buried her old rich husband.
*Ray Davies of the Kinks was shot in the leg in New Orleans. Davies was lucky. Two inches higher and Davies would have talked like a woman and walked like a man.
A bad scene
*The readers of “Film” magazine have voted the scene in “Casino” between Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone as the worst movie love scene of all time. That has to be bad if it beat out the squeal scene in “Deliverance.”
Personally, for the worst movie love scene I vote for the kid and the apple pie in “American Pie.”
Since you asked:
Clint Eastwood chimed in with his “Ten Rules a Man Should Live By” in the New York Daily News. Suffice it to say Clint’s rules were pompous and useless, kind of like Clint. (Sorry, but I saw the guy during a celebrity golf tournament, and he works way, way too hard at being a stoic icon)
So, here are Lex’s “Ten Rules a Man Should Live By”
No lycra bike shorts to be worn in public. Ever. Period. This a good look on no man. Forget the entire lumpy ass issue, a guy in lycra bike shorts looks like, A, he has a nasty rodent in his drawers, or B, worse, that he doesn’t.
Get a Labrador retriever and spoil it silly. It is the only sure pass to get into heaven. Besides, woman go weak-knees-goofy when they see a Labrador puppy. A drunk Joe Namath could get lucky with a Labrador puppy. (Lucky with a girl I mean, not the puppy, you sick bastards)
Stay loyal to your childhood teams. Anyone who switches alliances due to a move or because of another team’s winning record deserves that circle of hell to which they will be sent. All you have to do is think of two words: Hillary Clinton. Hillary spewed endlessly about what a loyal Chicago Cubs fan she was because she thought it made her look good. The split-second she runs for New York Senator she has the-you-know-what’s to announce she is also a Mets fan. That is like a Navy Seal saying he also belongs to the Taliban.
Master the grill. It is your birthright. If you can’t cook a rib-eye steak perfectly medium rare (If you like medium or worse, medium well, go to frickin’ Sizzlers where you belong) each and every time, get to work.
Own a good pair of rubber-soled hiking boots and a great pair of jeans. Jeans should be loose-fitting, (See #10) Lycra shorts.
Be able to either sing, or play an instrument along with a great blues CD. My preference is the harmonica, but guitar, piano, drums, bass all count. No, accordions do not count.
Have a beautiful girl cut your hair. I don’t care if you come out looking like Moe, or worse, Shemp. Knowing a beautiful girl will cut your hairs is a great thing to look forward to. (Speaking of hair, it goes without saying, no comb-overs or bad dye jobs, please. Guys at my gym who dye their own hair look like they stuck their head in a bucket of ink. Paulie Walnut’s wings don’t look as bad.)
White guys, especially over the age of 30, should not use any hip-hop street slang seriously or without obvious irony or sarcasm. No, you aren’t money. Yes, you sound like a dick.
No cell phone yammering with captive audiences anywhere near. If you do this, first go out and buy a “I am a dick” t-shirt. (If you just bought a Hummer, go out and buy a “I have a little dick” t-shirt)
Learn to tell three jokes really well: preferably a golf joke, a bar joke and a blonde joke. A good pirate joke is also a big plus. Harr.