Friday, January 09, 2004

We didn’t get tapped by the stupid stick, we ran through the stupid forest and smacked every damn tree, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Well, it’s something anyway
*In Cleveland, Elecia Battle, who claimed she was the true winner of last week's $162 million lottery jackpot, made a tearful, public apology without saying her story about losing the winning ticket was a lie. She did, however, admit she bet on baseball.

Talk about a let down
*Man, was I disappointed when I saw an episode of “Celebrity Mole.” It didn’t have anything to do with Cindy Crawford.

I’ll take that big caterpillar-looking thing for one hundred, Alex
And the answer is “Celebrity Mole.” The question is: name a feature of Aaron Neville’s face that has more talent than the cast of “Celebrity Mole.”

I give up
*Should Pete Rose be inducted to the Hall of Fame or not? The answer is yes. Or no. I don’t care as long as I don’t ever have to hear about Pete Rose and the Hall of Fame ever again.

Missed it by that much
*Where was this whole girls-kissing-girls chic lesbian thing when I was single? When I was growing up the closest thing we had to lesbians kissing was Sonny and Cher.

Since you asked:

In the words of the great Sir Mick:

"What a mess this town's in tatters I've been shattered
My brain's been battered, splattered all over Manhattan"

Can I get a Shadoobie one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? Amen.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

We ain’t frontin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Plum rude is all
*The good people of Britney Spears’ hometown of Kentwood, LA, are reportedly miffed that Britney called off her marriage. Generally, Louisiana residents feel that it is bad manners to call off a marriage, it’s considered a rude way to treat a close relative.

For her part, Britney Spears vehemently denies that she is a pop icon gone out-of-control. In fact, Britney said she can’t wait to settle down, have a child and dangle it from a hotel balcony.

Love is not a Rose
*It turns out Pete Rose didn’t just gamble, he gambled really badly. Rose stuck a former friend, Paul Janszen, with $34,000 in gambling debts. I can’t understand why Rose would not pay his gambling debts. I can see why he wouldn’t pay his hair stylist, but not his gambling debts.

The art of the Schlameel
*Donald Trump will star in a reality show, “The Apprentice.” Trump will fire contestant/workers until one is left. The winner will probably be the one who goes the longest without uttering the words: bad comb-over.

The contestants will work with Trump, negotiating real estate deals, organizing meetings and grooming Trump’s eyebrows.

The Donald Trump show “The Apprentice’s” catch phrase is; “It’s not personal, it’s business.” That’s better than their first idea: “It’s not a rug, it’s a comb-over.”

Poor guy
*Kobe Bryant was booed and suffered a bad 8-23 night shooting with five turnovers in the Los Angeles Lakers 113-91 route at the hands of the Denver Nuggets in Kobe’s first appearance in Colorado since his sexual harassment charge. It was sad. Afterwards, Kobe was so upset, he just returned to his hotel room and quietly ate the frozen dinner his wife packed him.

I never promised you a garden, Rose
*Despite coming clean that he bet on baseball, many people feel Pete Rose should not be in the Hall of Fame. Some cite his gambling, others blame his chronic lying, and the “Queer Eye” guys say Rose has made more bad hair choices than Don King and Paula Jones combined.

Since you asked:
Let’s forget about Pete Rose’s fourteen years of bald-faced lying; the fact that he actually did commit the Cardinal sin: betting on baseball; let’s even put aside some of his hairstyle choices. Pete Rose should not be in the Hall of Fame because he wasn’t that great of a baseball player.


Yes, Pete Rose has the record for most hits. So what? Roger Maris had the record for most home runs and he isn’t in the Hall. Let’s face it, the reason Rose has the record for hits is because he also has the record for selfishness. You don’t get hits by sacrificing to advance runners. Yes, Rose hustled. That’s because Rose was so slow he had to hustle.

Pete Rose is not a good guy, we know that only too well. Rose openly cheated on his many wives; (One ex-wife claimed Rose dumped her on their wedding night to drink and play pool with his buddies) Rose was reportedly a terrible father; his teammates supposedly didn’t like him that much. Hell, the guy even went to prison for cheating on his taxes. But a lousy personality or questionable morals is not enough of a reason to exclude somebody from the Baseball Hall of Fame. (See: Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Joe DiMaggio and countless others)

No, Rose should be excluded from the Hall of Fame because was a shameless statistics-slut who just happened to outlast the record books. Remember the John Huston line from “Chinatown”?

“Ugly buildings, politicians and whores get respectable if they last long enough.”

Well, we can exclude Pete Rose from the list of items that get respectable with age as well as we can exclude him from the Baseball Hall of Fame.

But that could just be my opinion. And -as a close friend pointed out - I may have come down to hard on Clint Eastwood. (It is hard to estimate just how much my snotty comment may have upset the Billionaire Movie Mogul Star) To Clint and the five other people who read this, sorry about that.

But I am sticking with my statement on Pete Rose.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

We all quality like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mad Spears Disease
*People close to Britney Spears are concerned about her out-of-control behavior. They may be right. Today Britney woke up married to a drunk Joe Namath.

The Speechinator
*Arnold Schwarzenegger delivered his state of California speech. He made jokes that if he could sell “Red Sonja” and “Last Action Hero” he can sell California. Let’s hope California isn’t as hard to sell as; “Jingle all the Way.”

Not a dry eye in the place
*A lot of great football this weekend. You know what I am looking forward to? During the AFC Championship halftime, they’ll have a touching live sideline wedding of ESPN’s Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath.

Rose pedals
*After fourteen years of the press begging, pleading, cajoling, Pete Rose has finally admitted he bet on baseball. You normally don’t find that combination of stubbornness and stupidity outside of, well, Paris.

Honest mistake
*They say the reason Osama bin Laden only is doing audio tapes is because he looks so God- awful. He’s gaunt, wan, haggard, thin, tired, jaundiced . . . wait, no that’s Charlie Rose.

Just party, baby
*More is coming out about Britney Spear’s brief husband, Jason Allen Alexander. It seems all his life he wanted to be a professional football player, but he gave up on football and now he just parties. Just like the Oakland Raiders.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

We rollin’ wit’ a bit-o-edge today, Torn Slattens and Nugget Ranchers

Reality bites as well as sucks
*The new reality show “The Surreal Life” features – among other dubious celebrities - white ex-rapper Vanilla Ice. What a coup. I wonder how they got that guy? Wasn’t Vanilla Ice in the middle of his tour with M.C. Hammer?

Love is a Rose
*The Pete Rose book is interesting. It finally explains why Rose dyed his hair the color of Tang, the orange-flavored breakfast drink.

I’m still not sure that Pete Rose gets it. Now that he has admitted that he bet on baseball, Rose thinks he can get into the Hall of Fame. In fact, he’s giving it five-to-one odds.

Pete Rose has written a book? Here’s my question: Shouldn’t you have read a book before you can write one?

Like we need this
*A bakery in Portland, Oregon is now selling donuts filled with caffeine. That’s good because what this country really needs is more hyper fat guys. We need more Tom Arnolds, yeah that’s it.

All that gold digging slimmed her down
*Have you seen Anna Nicole Smith in Trim Spa ads? She’s lost a ton of weight. This is the most weight Anna Nicole’s lost since the 90 pounds she dumped when she buried her old rich husband.

*Ray Davies of the Kinks was shot in the leg in New Orleans. Davies was lucky. Two inches higher and Davies would have talked like a woman and walked like a man.

A bad scene
*The readers of “Film” magazine have voted the scene in “Casino” between Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone as the worst movie love scene of all time. That has to be bad if it beat out the squeal scene in “Deliverance.”

Personally, for the worst movie love scene I vote for the kid and the apple pie in “American Pie.”

Since you asked:
Clint Eastwood chimed in with his “Ten Rules a Man Should Live By” in the New York Daily News. Suffice it to say Clint’s rules were pompous and useless, kind of like Clint. (Sorry, but I saw the guy during a celebrity golf tournament, and he works way, way too hard at being a stoic icon)

So, here are Lex’s “Ten Rules a Man Should Live By”

10: No lycra bike shorts to be worn in public. Ever. Period. This a good look on no man. Forget the entire lumpy ass issue, a guy in lycra bike shorts looks like, A, he has a nasty rodent in his drawers, or B, worse, that he doesn’t.

9: Get a Labrador retriever and spoil it silly. It is the only sure pass to get into heaven. Besides, woman go weak-knees-goofy when they see a Labrador puppy. A drunk Joe Namath could get lucky with a Labrador puppy. (Lucky with a girl I mean, not the puppy, you sick bastards)

8: Stay loyal to your childhood teams. Anyone who switches alliances due to a move or because of another team’s winning record deserves that circle of hell to which they will be sent. All you have to do is think of two words: Hillary Clinton. Hillary spewed endlessly about what a loyal Chicago Cubs fan she was because she thought it made her look good. The split-second she runs for New York Senator she has the-you-know-what’s to announce she is also a Mets fan. That is like a Navy Seal saying he also belongs to the Taliban.

7: Master the grill. It is your birthright. If you can’t cook a rib-eye steak perfectly medium rare (If you like medium or worse, medium well, go to frickin’ Sizzlers where you belong) each and every time, get to work.

6: Own a good pair of rubber-soled hiking boots and a great pair of jeans. Jeans should be loose-fitting, (See #10) Lycra shorts.

5: Be able to either sing, or play an instrument along with a great blues CD. My preference is the harmonica, but guitar, piano, drums, bass all count. No, accordions do not count.

4: Have a beautiful girl cut your hair. I don’t care if you come out looking like Moe, or worse, Shemp. Knowing a beautiful girl will cut your hairs is a great thing to look forward to. (Speaking of hair, it goes without saying, no comb-overs or bad dye jobs, please. Guys at my gym who dye their own hair look like they stuck their head in a bucket of ink. Paulie Walnut’s wings don’t look as bad.)

3: White guys, especially over the age of 30, should not use any hip-hop street slang seriously or without obvious irony or sarcasm. No, you aren’t money. Yes, you sound like a dick.

2: No cell phone yammering with captive audiences anywhere near. If you do this, first go out and buy a “I am a dick” t-shirt. (If you just bought a Hummer, go out and buy a “I have a little dick” t-shirt)

1: Learn to tell three jokes really well: preferably a golf joke, a bar joke and a blonde joke. A good pirate joke is also a big plus. Harr.

Monday, January 05, 2004

In the profound words of harmonica great Little Walter, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers: “Gonna leave her runnin’ ‘cause walkin’ most too slow.”

Reality bites a lot
*There is a new reality show, “The Surreal Life” that stars an evangelist, a porn star, a former TV star, and an ex-rapper. That’s not a TV show, those are candidates for Governor of California.

“The Surreal Life” features – among other dubious celebrities - porn star Ron Jeremy and ex-white rapper Vanilla Ice. Why Vanilla Ice? They couldn’t find another porn star.

Poor choices
*Pete Rose admitted to ABC’s Charles Gibson that he bet on baseball. Rose went on to say it was by far the worst decision of his life surpassing even his Seventies Moe-of-The-Three-Stooges haircut.

Oh, that kooky, nutty Osama
*A new audiotape purported to Osama bin Laden has emerged; on the tape Osama declares war against the U.S., all of our allies, and he also initiates a bitchy catfight between himself, Christine Aguilera and Britney Spears.

And she actually wonders why we think she’s a ditz?
*Britney Spears annulled her Las Vegas marriage to her childhood friend, Jason Alexander, after two days. The marriage lasted two days. Or as Jennifer Lopez calls that: the long haul.

You know why their marriage got annulled after two days? The booze wore off. The marriage was dissolved due to irreconcilable hangovers.

You know what Britney’s very next words were after she said I do? They were: I did what?

News flash
*This just in. The BCS computer has Iraq winning the war against the U.S. based on a tougher strength of schedule.

Non-Reality it’s not TV
*This is the final season of HBO’s “Sex in the City.” The show chronicles four typical New York single gals. Typical for filthy rich drunk nymphomaniacs. About “Sex in the City,” even Paris Hilton says; “Oh come on, who has that much sex? Nobody can afford to live like that in Manhattan, get real.”

It’s not TV, it’s HBO’s ‘Ho’s.
Those “Sex in the City” girls must spend $100,000 each per year just on brunch and none of them ever seem to work. Anna Nicole Smith couldn’t afford to live like that after she killed her old rich husband.

Since you asked:
You think you got problems, Slats and Nugs? Although I love her to pieces and she is as sweet as she can be, my wife talks exactly like Bill Lumberg from "Office Space."

"Yeah, umm, I'm gonna kind of need you to go ahead and write me a check. Yeah, that'd be greeeeaaat. Mmmkay?"