We gonna kick it ‘till we stick it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A long time
Tom Brokaw is retiring after over 20 years as the NBC anchor. Over twenty years, that’s like fifty J. Lo and Britney Spears marriages.
The Michigan D.A. is considering pressing charges against the Indiana Pacers involved in the Detroit Pistons fan brawl. This could set a tricky precedent of the law intervening in sports. Now the Chicago Bulls can be arrested for stealing when they cash their paychecks.
The one question he couldn’t answer
They aired the episode of “Jeopardy” where Ken Jennings lost after 74 episodes. Do you know what question messed him up? What’s it like not to be a virgin?
Hate to see that, eh?
Did you see Bush’s address to Canada? It was a little embarrassing. President Bush thanked the Canadians for inviting him to their fine country of Canadiana.
Color me surprised
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced his resignation. Rumor has it if he hadn’t resigned, Ridge would have been fired and received a pink slip. And a green slip, and a yellow slip, and a red slip and a blue slip.
Merriam-Webster Inc. said the most looked-up word on its Internet sites this year was blog, which is short for Web log. You know what the second, third and fourth most looked up words were? Paris Hilton’s Video.
Well, we finally have some news from that Ukraine election mess. We don’t know yet who won, but we do know who finished last: Ralph Nader.
Remember those two turkeys that President Bush pardoned right before Thanksgiving? I think they were named Biscuit and Gravy. They were missing. The good news is they found them. The bad news? They are imprisoned at Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay.
Much thanks to give
Martha Stewart spent Thanksgiving in prison away from her family. In a related story, Martha Stewart’s family had to spend much more time than usual giving thanks.
Nice holiday touch
You can tell it’s Christmas time in Los Angeles. Rodney King puts a wreath on his car before he crashes it.
Cutting the mustard
In college hoops, Dijon Thompson’s 25 points led UCLA over Long Beach State, 75- 62. Rumor has it the Los Angeles Lakers are interested in Thompson because they think he could play well with Kobe Bryant; everyone knows Dijon goes well with a hot dog.
You deserve a Heidi today
Super Model Heidi Klum has signed an endorsement deal with McDonalds. If she isn’t careful, Heidi could become the first Super-sized Super Model.
Oh yeah, I believe Heidi Klum eats at McDonalds. Just like I believe Donald Trump shops at Office Depot.
Since you asked:
Many, many of you have asked, Lex, since you are the preeminent comedy/sports writer, what do you really feel about the Ron Artest incident? OK, actually, nobody asked that, but would it have killed just one of you to have asked it? Huh? Let’s get on that, Slats and Nuggies.
Several years ago now, NBA players filled out a survey that featured the question: “What do you think the average person outside the NBA makes a year in salary?” The AVERAGE answer? $150,000. Out of touch doesn’t even begin to describe these pampered egomaniacs.
Maury Povich’s father, Shirley Povich, was a renowned columnist for the Washington Post for 75 years. He covered everything, but he loved sports most of all. Shirley Povich once wrote that the ego of the average major league baseball player far exceeds that of leaders of sizeable nations. And NBA players are much worse than baseball players.
Another great sports writer, Rick Reilly, wrote that if the fans had any idea of the depth of contempt most professional athletes have for the fans, they would never spend another minute watching sports. We saw just a trace of that contempt with Ron Artest. Is that Artest’s fault? How can you fault someone for being a spoiled, stupid, selfish jerk? What you need to fault is a business that caters to spoiled, stupid, selfish jerks. The NBA.
You don’t think the NBA caters to spoiled, stupid, selfish jerks? The Los Angeles Lakers have bent over backwards to cater to every silly, self-absorbed whim of that now-revealed-total-a**-hole, Kobe Bryant.
By catering to and marketing towards these totally self-centered elements, NBA commissioner David Stern may as well have been the one to charge into the stands and punch that fan. The same fan that paid at least $50 bucks for the right to get punched. Was the fan that threw the beer an idiot? Of course. What a waste of a good beer. There are going to be drunken idiots at games, that has never changed. What has changed is the feeling of entitlement -oh no, there’s that dreaded word again – that has overwhelmed these pampered players. A sense of entitlement to the extent that Artest actually felt entitled to attack someone who “disrespected him.” (Never, in the endeavor of mankind, has so much respect been demanded and yet so undeserved)
Prior to the Ron “Not the Sm”Artest incident, the NBA was hemorrhaging money: TV ratings, advertising, ticket sales, all are way down. Now the NBA just slit their wrists. Not only would I not ever pay to see an NBA game, nor would I ever sit down to watch a non-crucial playoff game, but I don’t know anybody who would. My friends and I cannot be that much different than a great deal of other folks out there. I never thought I would say this about a once great game, but if the NBA were to fold, I would not give a rat’s ass.
But, I have to admit, it would be kinda fun to watch all of those unemployed NBA players applying for all of those $150,000 dollar jobs waiting for them at McDonalds.