Sometimes Im sexy, move like a stud
Kicking the stall all night
Sometimes Im so shy, got to be worked on
Dont have no bark or bite, alright

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your Equines

That’s right, it is the 133th running of the Kentucky Derby.

I’m showin’ true love to Curlin’ and Scat Daddy with a fiddy exacta box, yo.

And toss a shout out to Curlin and big bad Bwana Bear for twenterino.

And how can you bet against De La Hoya tonight on Cinco De Mayo which is Spanish for sink the Maryweather? Got hunnert on my booooyyyyy Oscar.

We got da biscuit in the triscuit and we gonna risk it all up in da hizzy by brizzy and sizzy.

You got the numbers and take it to the paint and put a body on someone and play big. Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Civility is history
A Madam of a Washington DC brothel is going to identify congressmen who had sex with her female prostitutes. Whores ratting-out politicians? Whatever happened to professional courtesy?

The bright side
A Madam of a Washington DC brothel is going to identify congressmen who had sex with her female prostitutes. The only good news for the congressmen? It doesn’t cost them anything when a prostitute blows the whistle.

Spare us, please
Former Deputy Sec. of State Randall Tobias – the man in charge of promoting abstinence in the Bush administration – admitted hiring women from an escort service, but he claims he only got a massage. Yeah, and in the oval office Bill Clinton just got a mouth-to-lap resuscitation.

Couldn’t happen
Former Deputy Sec. of State Randall Tobias – the man in charge of promoting abstinence in the Bush administration – admitted hiring women from an escort service, but claims he only got a massage. And I for one believe him. Seriously, who ever heard of a politician lying, especially about something as serious as a sex scandal?

That’s more P.C.
Illegal immigrants marched in protest all over the United States angry that it is still considered illegal to be in this country illegally. They don’t even like the term illegal immigrant. They prefer the term Legally Challenged Visitors.

There was an awkward moment when Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger told the illegal immigrant marchers; “OK, you win. What do you want us to do?” They replied; “No hablas ingles.”

That explains it
The Los Angeles was named the smoggiest city in the U.S. beating out Pittsburgh. You know what pushed L.A. over-the-top? The smoke coming from Snoop Dog’s limo.

That is just fly money dawg props check it dope-ass keeping it real, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It just goes to show yah
The highest paid team, the New York Yankees, are in last place. It just goes to show you can’t tie lots of money with good performances. Just ask all three of Donald Trump’s ex-wives.

What?
Former Deputy Sec. Randall Tobias – the man who was in charge of promoting abstinence in the Bush administration – admitted hiring women from an escort service, but he claims he only got a massage. When she heard this, Hillary Clinton was so incensed she dropped her facial toner.

Uh, yeah, right
Officials at a prison in Sussex, England say they have caught prisoners with Viagra. The prisoners claim they were simply trying a new and unique way to try and pick the locks.

Seems about right
A sex study says the average 20-year-old male gets aroused in ten seconds. Coincidentally, ten seconds is how long it takes to Google and log on to Carmen Electra dot com.

Habadababa, that’s all, folks
Bugs Bunny turns 72 this week. Bugs is getting up there. Bugs Bunny last cartoon episode featured Bugs getting a colonoscopy. It’s called; “What’s up there, Doc?”

Just not fair
“Rolling Stone” magazine published the top 40 songs that changed the world. Personally I think it is just shameful how they snubbed Sanjaya’s version of; “You Really Got Me.”

You could see this coming
Zoo officials in China are showing Panda Porn to get their Pandas to mate. It hasn’t worked, the female Panda isn’t pregnant and the male Panda maxed-out his credit card on HornyPanda.com.

Don’t confuse the two
Ellen DeGeneres threw her back out and will host her talk show from a bed. Now don’t confuse Ellen throwing her back out with “The View”’s talk show host, Rosie O’Donnell, Barbara Walters threw Rosie’s ass out.

Clear the air
The American Lung Association has named Los Angeles the smoggiest city in the U.S. It’s not the car emissions that cause the problem, it’s all the gun smoke from the freeway shootings.

A new take on an old classic
A popular trend with Muslim women in France is to have their hymen surgically re-sewn so they will appear to be virgins when they get married as Islamic law insists. This deceptive procedure’s medical term is called: a not-had-a-dick-to-me.

Let’s be fair about this
Paris Hilton attended a Los Angeles Dodger game and was loudly booed when they flashed her picture on the scoreboard. To be fair to Paris, 23,000 of the people who booed were disgruntled ex-boyfriends.

An Army of None
Iraqi officials announce that a top Iraqi al Qaeda leader, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, was killed. Recruiting at al Qaeda has to be a problem. “Congratulations, you’ve been promoted from mailroom to head of al Qaeda.” “Nahh, I’m good, thanks. ”

Kasey's Mormon Miracle

(I've told this before, but it merits re-telling)

Our adorable and sweet yellow Labrador, Kasey, was in pain. This is a dog who is so tough she has only yelped once when a Rottweiler bit through her ear and she still wanted to continue to play fetch, so I knew her pain was serious. She yelped anytime you touched her.

After a mad dash to the vet and X-rays, it turns out Kasey ate something that was upsetting her but it wasn’t blocked and the vet assured me it would pass. We gave Kasey some tummy medicine and sure enough, she seemed fine.

Cut to: A beautiful crisp Fall Sunday afternoon two days later. We, my wife Virginia and I, put our then toddler, Ann Caroline, in her stroller and took Kasey along for an All American Norman Rockwellian walk to get bagels.

Smack dab in front of the Mormon Church, no less, Kasey has to do number two. No problem, I have many plastic grocery bags stuffed in the pocket of my coat so I go dig one out.

Suddenly the air is filled with the lovely sound of my wife’s laughter. What’s up? I ask. She is laughing so hard she can’t speak so she points to Kasey. There is Kasey’s last, uh, deposit magically swinging to and fro seemingly suspended in mid air right under her tail. Closer inspection reveals it is actually dangling from a string.

“What the hell do I do?” I ask flummoxed. My wife stops laughing enough to say “Pull it out.”

Easy for her to say.

So, I put two plastic bags on my hands like gloves and attempt to retrieve the string from Kasey’s furry pail. (Furry Pail is my new band)

One foot pulls out which soon begets two feet, now my wife, Virg, is literally on the ground laughing. Three feet, four, five, six. seven, Slat and Nugs, it was like clowns coming out of a damn tiny circus car . Our dog, Kasey, was unraveling.

No lie, I ended up pulling twenty stinking feet of string out of my dog Kasey’s butt. We later found an empty chewed-up plastic container under the bed. Kasey ate an entire package of yummy mint flavored dental floss.

Christians may have the miracle of the fish and loaves but Mormons now have the Miracle of Kasey’s Minty Butt Floss.

Maybe it’s my Midwestern/ Southern roots, but I like to think I am guy who doesn’t like to brag. Sure, a part of that is that I don’t have too much to brag about outside of a great family, good hair for my age and that I live in a great area. But you don’t brag about that. OK, I brag about Ann Caroline, but that is different.

Having said that, I am man who – or is it whom? - has been blessed with many, many gifts besides my obvious mastery of grammer and speling. Here are just a few of them.

Lex’s gifts

Without fail, I can pick a line and a cashier that is by far and away the slowest one in the store.

Whenever I purchase any item I will pick something that will require ten cents more change than I have at the time. Which is surprising because I’m not really that great at math.

Whenever I come up on a driver, something in my brain will telepathically signal them to drift over into my lane. Or better yet, change lanes without signaling.

Children are magically drawn to me. Not in a “Oh, we love you, tell us a story way” but in a “I am running full speed without looking where I am going” way.

At a cocktail party or a bar, in fact, in any situation where I am talking to someone I don’t know very well, it will suddenly occur to me to make a snide-ass remark about something that I haven’t thought of in over a year, like Rhinocerebral mucormycosis. Without fail, that person will have a beloved relative who is dying or just died of that very thing.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I have the amazing telepathic ability to get someone to call me the absolute split second that I, on rare occasions, nod off for a nap.

If I go to a bar, I have the unconscious ability to instinctively know to order something that they are out of or just stopped carrying.

Before I became a windsurfer, I had this mythological god-like ability to create wind in any sport I chose to participate in that was totally and completely screwed up if it was windy like golf, Frisbee tossing, tennis, touch football, pole vaulting. As soon as I became a good windsurfer who required winds of 15 knots or better to really jam, I suddenly developed the mythological god-like ability to kill any and all wind. No lie, it got to the point where I was considering renting myself to hurricane threatened coastal towns simply to show up with all of my windsurfing gear just to kill the threat of high winds.

When flipping through the channels when, and only when, Ann Caroline is in earshot, no matter how fast I skip by a channel, I will hit on a long and loud F word.

When I am owed a check from a client, as soon as they say they’ve sent it, I have the ability to suddenly and completely shut down the entire U.S. Postal Service to a snail’s crawl.

When I go to a concert, my sheer presence and personality will somehow reach out and deeply touch the artist and suddenly embolden and inspire him/her to play all of his/her new songs as well as the songs he/she has hidden away and he/she wouldn’t even play in front of his/her best friends.

Even though I am a master Checkers player, when I play face-to-face with even the most inferior of Checkers players, I will suddenly inspire Checker genius from them.

Re: poker. See above.

What? I didn’t say these were good gifts. I just said they were gifts.

Tony, take a chill
Are you following the final season of the “Sopranos.”? Man is it dark and depressing. One character died of cancer in prison, Tony is going broke, Uncle Junior is going senile in a mental hospital. It makes you long for a good old fashioned uplifting whacking.

Since you asked:
Yes, the rumors out there in the literary world are true, I am looking for a new literary agent. (What does that mean? He has an agent and he wants a different one? Or he doesn’t have an agent and he is trying to sound cute because a first agent would qualify as new agent while making it sound like he has an old agent even if he doesn’t have an old agent)

Exactly.

This recent groveling foray into an aspect of Hollywood and the entertainment industry only reminds me of just how full of crap big shot movie stars are who have agents and get jobs.

Honest to god, Kirsten Dunst- who may be very talented but who I can’t figure out for the life of me why she is a huge actress – was on Letterman whining about making and doing the press for “Spidy 3” (When Dave asked if there would be a “Spidy 4” Kirsten was so shaken up at the mere thought, she actually welled up with tears and wouldn’t talk about it)

It seems the poor thing, after filming the movie, had to go to Stockholm, London, Madrid, Rome, Moscow, Berlin. Oh, and she had to appear on “The Today Show” this morning, Letterman at night and then attend her premier later that same night, all on the poor girl’s birthday. What sadistic people those “Spidy” producers must be. Poor, poor girl.

Kristen, for all the pain you have had to endure, will you please let me give you a big steaming piece of birthday “shut your pie-hole and stop complaining about being a movie star” cake?

Let’s say I do land a big shot agent, which would be pretty lucky by itself. If he called me tomorrow and said;

“Lex, I need to you take some time to go to Hollywood – of course we’ll put you up in the Bel Air hotel – and do some writing for a movie. And then we are going to fly you to Paris, Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Sidney and other great cities - of course we will put you up in luxury hotels and you can bring your family - to promote the movie.

“What do you have to do to promote it? Oh, you sit in a luxury suite and sip expensive tea while journalists toss softball questions at you about you and your work. And then, on the day it opens in the US in New York, we need you to go on “The Today Show” “Letterman” and to the premiere itself.”

After asking which one of my a-hole friends was playing this cruel joke on me, I would say sure, I would be glad to all of that but how much is all this going to cost me? It sounds like a fortune.

When the agent then says;

“What do you mean cost you? The studio pays for everything and, in addition, in the process, you will personally make many many millions of dollars.”

I would then say;

“This is some friend of Will isn’t it? How much did he put up to get you to mess with me?”

What sane person wouldn’t die to do any one of those things, let alone all of them, and, oh, by the way, get rich while doing it? Especially on your birthday.

That is why I like the young Shia LaBeouf. I was a fan of HBO’s project “Green Light” a few years ago when I first saw an inside look at Shia making a movie. He had a blast the whole time. At the premiere Shia actually said out loud what a normal person would say at a movie premiere. As the cameras flashed and pretty young girls screamed his name, Shia said:

“Wow, I love this. Are you telling me movie stars actually complain about this? This is great.”

Would somebody please punch Russell Crowe in the face?

Why Lex is through trying jokes out for friends and family

That’s it. I am officially done trying to test out the jokes I write that day on friends and family. First of all, I know if a joke is good or not.

Second of all, yes, they usually laugh. But when they do laugh it is never enough. And then, even if they do laugh, I wonder if they are faking it to be nice.

And then when they don’t laugh, I die a little bit inside.

But the worst by far, and this has happened more than I care to even think about, is when I try a joke out on them that I have labored long and hard to hone, and they actually say;

“Hey, that’s not bad. You should try and make a joke with that.”

What is and what should never be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good move
The DEA announced that the quality of cocaine has gone up while the price of cocaine is going down. Well if that isn’t a novel way to fight drug use: advertise that the drug is a good deal.

Not good
The Miami Heat were swept by the Chicago Bulls. Shaquille O’Neal shot horribly going 0-for-7 at the free throw line Sunday and Shaq shot an atrocious 3-for-19 during the two weekend games. Honestly, Dick Cheney can shoot better than that.

Long time
The San Diego Padres lost to the Los Angeles Dodgers 5-4 in 17 innings. 17 innings. To show how long that is, in that time, Giants slugger Barry Bonds head grew two sizes bigger.

We kid the Bugs
Bugs Bunny turns 72 today. You can tell Bugs is getting up there. His last cartoon episode was titled; “What’s up Doc? No seriously, look at this mole, what’s up with it, Doc?”

Catchy title
Alec Baldwin is going to write a book about the injustices that plague divorced fathers; I’m beginning to think Alec is a little bitter. The book is titled “Kim Bassinger is a Liar Whore.”

Get it? I hope not
A gasoline tanker in Oakland caught fire and melted an entire freeway overpass. Investigators say the truck crashed because they found huge skid marks. In fact, the skid marks were so big they were bigger than the skid marks found in Sheryl Crowe’s tour bus.

A gasoline tanker in Oakland caught fire and melted an entire freeway overpass. The damage could take so long to fix that it could keep the Oakland Raiders from driving to practice this summer. That is shocking. The Oakland Raiders practice? Since when?

That clears that up
The Phoenix Suns beat the Los Angeles Lakers 113-100. It turns out the Britney Spears/Laker’s Luke Walton romance rumor started on “Entertainment Tonight” is a hoax. Luke has a girlfriend and Britney wants to spend more time dropping her kids.

Who knew?
A 116-year-old Ukrainian goat herder claims his long life is due to never having had sex with a woman. A 116 year-old virgin. And here I had no idea there was a “Star Trek” fan that old

Nice image, huh?
The Miami Heat was swept from the playoffs by the Chicago Bulls; To give you an idea how bad the Heat stunk, Sheryl Crowe gave them permission to use more toilet paper squares.


Since you asked:
Personally, I won’t to go on record as saying I like the TMZ, I get many timely topics from that site. And in the event I become famous, I will go out of my way to be nice to the TMZ.

In the equally probable likelihood of me becoming famous, I want to announce that if two monkeys fly out of my behind, I will name them Sparky and Spiffy.

All hail the iPod
How did I live before the iPod? I can’t work out without mine. Then I come home from working out and fire up the grill with the iPod playing in the sound system and the outdoor speakers.

While waiting for the grill to heat up I will pop up into the office to listen to iTunes on the ‘puter and play a quick high speed game of Internet checkers and answer e-mails. And then, later that night, if I am having a hard time falling asleep, I listen to my “Snooze” sound list of mellow songs when I want to go to sleep.

(Download Amy Winehouse “You Know I’m No Good”) The chick kicks it old school as the youngsters say, by cracky).

Even Vinny is less annoying
Isn’t “Entourage” amazing? Art imitating life that has turned into life imitating art and back. Huh? Seriously, what’s next? A show that portrays the guys being the guys in “Entourage”? Where does it stop? It is like one of those barbershop mirrors that go on forever.

P.S. One of my favorite "New Yorker" cartoons is by, I think, Charles Adams. (When I say Charles Adams think Gary Larson’s “The Far Side” but more psychotic) It is a guy at a barbershop and his reflection is reflected into a reflection into a reflection, on and on, until the tenth time, then that reflection is a monkey, then it picks up with the guy’s reflection to infinity.

You know, the sideways eight thing. ∞

(Polite applause)