Leading up to Saturday’s Kentucky Derby, it was revealed last year’s Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, gets paid $600,000 a day to mate three times a day. That is most anyone in sports has been paid to have sex since Elin Nordegren divorced Tiger Woods.

American Pharoah gets paid $200,000 to have sex and he does it three times a day. To reiterate, our lives suck compared to a horse's. 

The Kentucky Derby, the most exciting two minutes in sports, is now, thanks to Johnny Weir, the fiercest two minutes in sports. 

Big week for Johnny. Nike launched their Johnny Weir-inspired shoes: the Air Loafers. 

Gary Johnson Called Donald Trump A Pussy Again

Gary Johnson Called Donald Trump A Pussy Again: Just one week after he debuted the attack at the first Libertarian Party debate Gary Johnson called Donald Trump a pussy again at CPAC.

Why? Why, social media, have you not adopted my term Trumpimbos? 

Every picture tells a story, donut, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



******

Golfer, Zac Blair, was disqualified for using a putter he had bent whacking on his head in anger. He violated rule 4-3b, otherwise known as “The Three Stooges” rule.

In addition, Blair could be fined for yelling, “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck” and poking his opponent in the eyes.

******

The FBI will interview Hillary Clinton about her e-mail scandal. Regardless of politics, I think we can all agree it is time to leave this email mess behind and let Hillary move on to her next scandal.

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A report claims Pakistan had a spy poison a top CIA agent after we shot Osama bin Laden. If our relationship with Pakistan gets any worse, Pakistan will change its name to Caitlyn and move to Malibu.

*******

From Paul Ryan to the Bushes, no republicans are endorsing Trump. I have not seen this lack of support for a republican since Chris Christie switched from briefs to boxers. 

Since you asked:

In NHL news, the St. Louis “Not the Blackhawks” are playing the Dallas “Also Not the Blackhawks” in a game not involving the Blackhawks of which I don’t give a flaming rat’s ass. 

Go Phil “Feeeeeeeeellll” Mickelson. 

Eric Clapton, Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, great blues artists, Muddy Waters, Slim Harpo, Howlin’ Wolf, Little Walter, Junior Wells,  the underrated and yet still a legend, Van Morrison, Luther Allison, the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, the Who, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

“I’ll take who was discovered in England before they were discovered in the US, Alex.”

In fact, about the only act to be discovered in the US before it was discovered in England was Elton John. Which is like claiming to discover that the ocean is wet. 

My term for Trump’s trophy women, Melania, Lara and Ivanka, the Trumpimbos, is not getting the traction I thought it would. Neither is my line that, as the presumptive nominee, Trump put the Rump in Presumptive. 

Let’s get on this, zeitgeist. 

A British artist created a Trump Hitler and now he is receiving death threats. And that is from the Hitler fans.

Former presidential candidate, Bob Dole, announced he is endorsing Donald Trump. People are shocked. Bob Dole is still alive? 


My blog up and done blowed-up yesterdiddy. Anyone got any clues why? 

alex.kaseberg@gmail.com

It rained so hard in Los Angeles,  Hillary Clinton had to put on her wet suit pants suit, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

A judge has ordered a woman who stalked Chris Brown to undergo psychiatric evaluation. Not because she is a stalker, but because she chose to stalk Chris Brown. 

A gun-loving Florida mom, who was shot in the back while driving by her 4-year-old, will not face criminal charges. That would be a bad day. Shot in the back by your small child and then arrested for it.

Rob Kardashian’s girlfriend, Blac Chyna is pregnant.It was an awkward moment when they told Rob Blac Chyna was pregnant. He said, “Blac Chyna? I thought she was Nicki Minaj.” 

To honor Cinco De Mayo, Donald Trump tweeted a picture of him eating a taco salad. That’s like an some Hispanic jerk honoring the Fourth of July by eating corn dog with mayonnaise on it. 

The FBI grilled Hillary Clinton aide, Huma Abedin, about Hillary’s emails. So if they are grilling Huma, who’s married to Anthony Weiner, does that make it a Weiner roast?

E-cigarettes face new regulations. For example, if a hipster tries to buy E-cigarettes and he has a man-bun and a neck beard, he may be considered too much of a tool to buy one. 

The British polar exploring ship will not be named after the Internet poll winner, Boaty McBoatface, it will be the RRS Sir David Attenborough. “Not fair,” said first Internet named person, Douchey McDoucheface.

Since you asked:

Despite being the online poll winner, the British polar exploring ship will not be named Boaty McBoatface, it will be the RRS Sir David Attenborough after the great TV scientist. But Boaty McBoatface will be the name of their unmanned submarine. (And fired will be the guy who thought of the online poll naming)

They had an implacable reason for not naming it Boaty McBoatface. God forbid there is a tragedy at sea, how would you like to inform someone their loved one died on Boaty McBoatface?

Well done, Brits, well done. Good story. Good follow up.  

So you brought up the Chicago Cubs, let’s talk about them. 

This is historic stuff. On course for something silly like 120 wins. Of course that isn’t going to last. 22-6 .786%. Anthony Rizzo, aka Rizz-Bone - the guy who spends more time in children’s hospitals than most pediatricians - has 28 RBI’s in early May. 

Just watched them make silly bitches out of two damn good teams, the Pie-Rats and the Walgreens. (Nationals, you cannot tell me that is not the same W symbol) 

Guys I have never heard of are crushing the ball namely Ben Zobrist (who?) and Tommy Le Stella. Have not had enough time to come up with nicknames for those two. (My only problem with La Stella is his walk-up song is “What a Night” by The Four Seasons. Was “Brandy" (You’re a fine girl) by Looking Glass taken?)

And the manager, Joe "Mad-Dog" Maddon is my main man. 

My friends of years, friends of tears, the steaks at Morton’s are extra juicy, the deep dish pizza at Giordano’s is extra gooey, and the Old Style draft beers at dah Taverns Nort of dah Loop are extra cold and crisp. 

It is a good time to be a Chicago Cubs fan. 

Congratulations to San Diego legend, Shannon MacMillan, for being inducted into the Soccer Hall of Fame. That honor simply could not go to a better person. She taught my daughter and her friends how to be great on the field and off. 

Here is Donald Trump enjoying a taco bowl, or as he calls it: "The Rapist's Repast."

A baby was born on a Jetstar jet, so the parents named him Jetstar. How lucky is that baby it wasn’t born in a Hummer? 

John Kasich dropped out of the race, but he held a party for all of his supporters. They got a corner booth at an Outback Steakhouse and Kasich bought a bloomin’ onion for the table. 

Can anyone doubt the power and the glory that is Hollywood's Gay Magic? Khloe Kardashian before and after in Cuba. Yes, diet, exercise, blah, blah, but come on . . . 





Happy Cinco De Mayo. Or as Ted Cruz calls it: Sinko De My-o Campaign-o. 

Boxing legend, Oscar De La Hoya, claims Donald Trump is a golf cheat. Not only does Trump cheat at golf, but, out of habit, he replaces his divots on top of his head. 

Brazil’s building an adult, sex theme-park called ErotikaLand. It’s the first amusement park where all the screaming is done at the very end of the ride. 

Hillary Clinton released a brutal anti-Trump ad featuring top republican’s harsh comments on Trump. You think that’s bad? Wait until Hillary releases the ad with Trump’s ex-wives. It’s titled, “Not Huuuuuge.” 


Since you asked:

As much as I love trying to write jokes about Brazil’s upcoming sex theme park, ErotikaLand, Seth Meyers killed with with, “The name Busch Gardens was already taken.” Seth Meyers has the best monologue in late night by 25%. 

Got some backlash for being sexist for going after Kelly Ripa. So Kelly can flirt, act ditzy, hair-flip, wear skirts that almost show her uterus, but when she does something wildly unprofessional, like being a no-show for two days because she had a meltdown over a network decision, that criticism is considered sexist. Because we all remember when Edward R. Murrow didn’t show up for work because CBS changed his program. 

Have not felt the freedom to brutally unleash on a celebrity like I do on Trump since O.J. Simpson. And Trump hasn’t murdered anyone. Yet. 

Not seen it yet, but I hear “Full Frontal With Samantha Bee,” is crushing it. Will check it out tonight. 

My astute comedy writing friend, Janice Hough, jokingly suggested Donald Trump should pick Sarah Palin for a running mate. Joke or not, I had to lie down with a serious case of the comedy vapors. 

Donald Trump and, Melania, Ivanka and Lara, the Trumpimbos. 

Donald Trump is the presumptive republican nominee. In fact, Trump put the Rump in Presumptive. 

A group is suing Quaker Oats because their cereal is not 100% natural. Not only that, but the Quaker man on the box is Barbara Bush.

At his last speech, Donald Trump was surrounded by his wife, Melania, his son Eric’s wife, Lara and his daughter, Ivanka. Otherwise known as the Tri-Trumpimbos. 

Monica Lewinsky has endorsed Hillary Clinton. Well that's a little hard to swallow . . . 

Here is Y.A. Tittle having a better day than Johnny Manziel

It is high school prom time. Guys, go ask your date to go before all the hot teachers are taken. 

In Canada, 88,000 people from Fort McMurray had to evacuate due to wildfires. No word on when Americans will be allowed to relocate there if Trump is elected president. 

John Kasich has bowed out of the race. Even  did not think he stood a chance and he still believes in the Easter Bunny. 

In Brazil they’re building an adult, sex theme park called Erotika Land. They have a ride called “The G Spot,” but guys can’t find it. 

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman broke her age group record for the 100 meter dash. Although in her case it is the 100 meter meander. 

Donald Trump secured a huge win in Indiana. The election victory was embarrassing. People kept trying to give Trump a high-five, but they keep missing his tiny little hands. 

In Indiana, after conceding, Ted Cruz elbowed his wife, Heidi in the face. His running mate, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage. Cruz has hurt more people on stage than Siegfried and Roy’s white tiger. 

Badfinger - Baby Blue (1972)

One of my favorite songs. And a wildly underrated song.

Misty Mountain Hop Led Zeppelin Lyrics

Artist's rendition of one of the three planets orbiting the dwarf star.

Reminds me of Led's "Houses of the Holy"

Today Is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Or as our high school students call it: Tuesday.

In soccer, Leicester City F.C. clinched England’s Premiere League title. American sports fans, do you know what this means? No, seriously, I am asking. Does someone know what this means? 

Boston Red Sox, Pablo Sandoval, showed up to spring training 40 pounds overweight, he got in fights with the press, injured his shoulder and is out for the year while earning $17 million. ISIS could not have inflicted more damage to a baseball team. 

“Keeping Up with the Kardashians” premiered a few weeks ahead of its polar opposite show: “America’s Got Talent.” 

On “KUWTK,” all the Kardashians are mad at Rob Kardashian for dating Blac Chyna. Rob doesn’t care. You know Rob’s motto: I put the sexy in illiterate. 

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman broke her age group for the 100 meters. Unfortunately, she was disqualified when she tested positive for Metamucil. 

The previous 100-year-old 100 meter record?  90 meters. 

First time in 40 years a US cruise ship, the Carnival Cruise ship Adonia, docked in Cuba. Not sure about their slogan: “Come for the history, stay for the dysentery.”

Not sure about their slogan: “Where the Daiquiri Beats the E Coli.” 

Have you seen the viral clip of New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, drying off his bat? In a related story, the New York Yankees bat boy resigned. 

After the game, Rodriguez’s bat tested positive for Jock Itch.

Madonna unveiling her Hippy Grandmother Dominatrix costume. 

Ex- Raven, Ray Lewis’s son, Ray Lewis III, is charged with sexual assault. As Ray Lewis’s son, Ray III has not found it easy to hack it, but he is taking a stab at it. 

“Live! with Kelly and Michael”  Kelly Ripa used her two-day tantrum/absence to get a raise in her $20 mil-a-year salary and now the show has been nominated for an Emmy. What’s it called when the rest of us leave a job without permission for two days? Oh, right, getting fired. 





Since you asked:

My unimpeachable sources tell me there are no good guys in the fascinating Strahan/Ripa cluster-hump. 

As we have learned through Charlie Sheen, we viewers can put up with an ungodly amount of bad behavior from our stars including vast amounts of drugs and booze, hookers and porn stars. 

What we cannot put up with is hypocrisy.

Apparently the hypocrisy at "Live! with Kelly and Michael" is off the charts. Strahan, like Ripa, is such a surly diva off-screen they have to bring in studio audiences just for him to act civil during off-air recordings for affiliates and commercials. 

Have I ever watched a single second of "Live! with Kelly and Michael"? No, but I am fascinated nonetheless because I see Strahan on "Fox NFL Sunday" and Kelly used to be a regular on "The Late Show with David Letterman." On both my B.S. meter on their phony bubbly on-air personalities was off the charts. 

What is amazing is both of these ass-munching diva clowns, Ripa and Strahan, are clearing tens of millions of dollars a year each. 

That is Kardashian-like talentless money. 

A little ditty about Hank and Darlene . . . 

The Michael/Kelly diva-fest reminds me of: 

One the best things about Garry Shandling’s great “The Larry Sanders Show” was their unabashed ripping of bloated, pompous, self-important celebrities. 

Jeffery Tambor’s sidekick character, Hank “Hey now” Kingsley, aka the Hankinator, absolutely oozed with Vince Vaughn/Sammy Davis Jr.-levels of Hollywood egomania and too-hip insincere sincerity. “Love youuuu. You’re a down cat and I mean that, babe. Don't you ever go changing.”

In one scene, Hank’s gorgeous assistant, Darlene, was in Hank's office reviewing Hank’s demands for appearing at a charity fundraiser. Hank was reclining on his couch spooning himself  frozen yogurt when, in between mouthfuls, he says;

“So why aren’t they flying me out in a private jet?” Darlene replies sweetly;

“They want to keep some of the money for the children with cancer.”

Then Darlene lists the rest of Hank’s demands including flying out first class, a limo at the airport to his luxury suite stocked with the pink champagne on ice. Honor bar, massage, room service and in-room porn included. (It was the '90's)

At this point, Hank looks off dreamily and says without a trace of sarcasm;


“It really feels good to give back to the community.” 

This just in:

Congratulations to First Daughter, Malia Obama, for getting into Harvard. In a related story, the IRS just announced Harvard will retain its tax-exempt status. 

12 Signs Being Ladylike Is Not Your Forte

YouTube stars, (whatever that means) Grace Helbig* and Hannah Hart, star in a remake of the failed '70's TV show  “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.” It is the first show in digital history made without a studio and it appears to have neither a network nor a channel.  (At least the talk show I produced in my basement in third grade with Howie Detmer, the “Alex and Howie Show,” appeared in my basement)

And yet Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart have appeared at Comic Con and other sci-fi, Cosplay (Costume play) and graphic comic conventions and promotions to support their show. In addition, they have given numerous interviews to many nerd/geek/hipster/stoner/video game oriented websites. 

NBC promoted “Seinfeld” as a show about nothing. Well, “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” takes that concept to several new Millennial levels. It is a show about nothing made by nobody, produced by no one and appearing nowhere. (Not even on a podcast streaming on your latest hand-held douche-device) 

Either this is the greatest practical joke of the digital era or there is an entire alternative nerd universe that exists out in the ether where someone pretends something exists and, as a result of superpower-like entitlement, it does exist. 

(Sticking finger in ear pretending to get an update off-camera)

What's that? We're now being told "Electra Woman And Dyna Girl" is available for $4.99 a month streaming on something called "Fullscreen." Say again? We just checked and there is no such thing as "Fullscreen." 

The entire cast and crew probably consisted of wool-hat-wearing, twenty-something vegans who have no discernible means of support yet they are slightly overweight, hungover with runny post-coke-noses. And they have iPhones and drive Prius. Priuses. PraiI. 

And it somehow involves Steve Agee and it has a fairly large promotional budget. 


Somewhere between Echo Park with their fake lake and Silver Lake with their fake park, a man-bun wearing hipster’s genius caused his overly-caffeinated brain to tear a fissure in the seventh dimension which allows non-stars to make noncommercial non-sellout digital productions for the sake of art's sake funded by commodities based on futures contracts backed by bitcoins. 

If they are hiring a comedy writer, I would love not to write for them. 

Oh, and can I get paid in cash? Upfront. 

* (Have been a huge Grace Helbig fan since I saw the BuzzFeed video “12 Signs Being Ladylike Is Not Your Forte”) 


P.S. Just Googled “Electra Woman And Dyna Girl” production company, Legendary Digital Networks or LDN. Their mission statement was a one paragraph attempt at winning “Bullshit Bingo” with words like the new artist noun "creatives," the terms forward-thinking and foster engagement. With a straight face. 

Let's all join the circle-jerk and grab a member.

P.P.S. Are we going to dance all night with your hand on my ass or are you going to make your move? 

Yaaaaassssssssssss.

If Millennials had a Mount Rushmore, Steve Agee's head would be on it. 


(For more on "Electra Woman and Dyna Girl" check them out on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Instagram, Google Plus, Vine, Tumblr, Flickr, NetKra, Streemeze, Interpod and SqooBsnak. . . 

 . . . and yes, I made up NetKra, Streemeze, Interpod and SqooBsnak)