We’ve reached critical sass up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Odd, huh?
An American Airlines flight from Boston to L.A. had to be diverted when a man stripped naked and ran amok. In an amazing ironic coincidence, the German airlines All-Nude flight had to be diverted when a man threw on his clothes and ran amok.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush met with the 2008 US Beijing Olympic team at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Bush was introduced to a rowing crew and, when he met the coxswain, Bush said; “That’s fine, I don’t ask, you don’t tell.”

Yuck
Brett Favre retired from the Green Bay Packers, then said he might come back, now he wants to come back, but said the Packers don’t want him back, but the Packers deny that. In short, this Favre retirement mess is uglier and more embarrassing then a Spears family reunion at last call.

Brett Favre retired from the Green Bay Packers, then said he might come back, now he wants to come back, but said the Packers don’t want him back, but the Packers deny that. I like Brett, but I am starting to wonder if it isn’t time for Favre to leavre.

How hot was it?
It was so hot in New York, Alex Rodriguez had more hot flashes than his girlfriend Madonna.

This just in:
US Health officials are warning that Jalapeno peppers have salmonella; the symptoms of salmonella include stomach pain, sweating and diarrhea, essentially the same symptoms you get when you eat Jalapenos. This just in: scientists have discovered that Jalapenos are the same thing as salmonella.

Finally they will understand
The Walt Disney Corporation announced it is going to build a Disneyland in China. Finally the children of China will get to see why they’ve been making a doll they call Winnie the Feces.

What’s in a name?
The women from the Island of Lesbos are trying to get the word lesbian banned to describe gay women, but a Greek court turned the ban down; This is bad news for the people from the Greek Island of Clay Aiken

This just in:

Brett Favre retired from the Green Bay Packers, then said he might come back, now he wants to come back, but said the Packers don’t want him back, but the Packers deny that. I like Brett, but I am starting to wonder if it isn’t time for Favre to leavre.

It was so hot in New York, Alex Rodriguez had more hot flashes than his girlfriend Madonna.

It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares.

Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, is trying to set the record straight because the media keeps saying he's gay. Reynolds said he is not a homosexual, his sexual category is officially an Anyone-but-Star-Jones-O’sexual.

Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, is trying to set the record straight because the media keeps saying he's gay. This marks the first time the words Al Reynolds and straight have ever appeared together.

Larry King is writing his autobiography titled “What Am I Doing Here?” This will be followed up by “Why Did I Come In Here?” “What Was I Talking About?” and “Who Is This Old Tortoise In the Mirror?”

Robbin’ on a bank in the state of in denial, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Sad Dads
How weak is baseball's National League West? The San Diego Padres are .375 and still in the hunt. This year being the winner of the National League West is like the being the quietest chick on “The View.”

This year winning the National League West is like being the named Ralph Nader’s running mate.

This year winning the National League West is like being named Mother-of-the-year just edging out Britney Spears.

This year winning the National League West is like being first alternate date to Paris Hilton

Which way?
Star Alabama high school football player Destin Hood had planned to play football at the University of Alabama, but he also wanted to play Major League baseball; so what he did was sign with the Washington Nationals apparently deciding to do neither one.

Not walking the walk
The Pope blamed environmental problems on the world’s “insatiable consumption.” The Pope issued this statement through his public relations team flying on one of his huge Papal jets.

Not nice
In preparation for Western Olympic guests, Beijing officials have removed dog from the local restaurant’s menus. But savvy locals know what to order when they want a dish of dry-aged female canine meat, they simply order the Hillary.

Give her a pass
Evangelical Christian groups are objecting to Oprah’s independent Christianity as not being conservative enough. Which is odd because you would think that they would let Oprah worship how she wants to seeing as how she is god and everything.

Since you asked:

How did it take Hollywood so long to get Batman right?

Dating back to that crappy/campy TV show – which, thankfully, I was too young to realize how much it sucked because I loved the bat cave and the Batmobile so much – Hollywood stomped all over a nearly bullet proof Batman formula detailed in the comic books, the worst being when Tim Burton tried to “Beetle Juice” batman to death.

Let us review the Batman mystique. As a male child in the US, there is only one true love superhero growing up: Superman. The red cape, the yellow S, the blue suit. Come on now, the dude can fly, for crying out loud. Even the TV superman was impossible to mess up in the low-tech ‘50’s. (Nobody will ever be able to explain why Superman had to duck when the bad guys threw the empty gun at him or why he had to take a running hop to start flying out of a window)

Just how much did we love Superman? We were actually willing to overlook his tighty-yellow briefs he wore inexplicably with a red belt on his blue suit. Now that’s love.

But, like with the Easter bunny and Santa Claus, there comes a bittersweet day when even the most devoted case of denial through blind adoration comes to an end. A boy reaches an age where he just flat out has to admit that Superman is not plausible.

That is the day when that boy transfers his love to Batman. Yes, Batman is not the true innocent first love like Superman is, Batman is the non-sexual equivalent of that girl you get infatuated with for all the wrong reasons. But, to a pre-adolescent male, Batman is plausible. He can’t fly and he has to resort to gadgets, cool as they may be. And Batman/Bruce Wayne is cool. Kind of like Hugh Hefner who fights crime.

Incidentally, being a Hugh Hefner/ Batman was my goal when I was a kid for being a grown up. How far did I miss that mark? The closest I get to fighting crime is picking up dog poop in the back yard and my "Batmobile" is a SUV filled with soccer gear in case I need to foil a bank robbery using orange cones and two soccer balls.

Not For Nothing

 . . . but how about "SNL's" Kristen Wiig? Not that I am an acting expert, but she is amazing. You want over-the-top? She'll go so high you can't see the bottom of her shoes. Small and subtle? Just a slight turn of her eyeballs can kill. She stole "Knocked Up" as the jealous/bitter/smarmy "E" production assistant. She can change physically before your eyes from hot to not in one expression.