Friday, May 26, 2006

It is hard out here

It’s go time, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scientists now know that humans caught aids from chimpanzees. This means some woman dated a chimp even before Heather Locklear dated David Spade.

Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. You think that’s amazing? You should see her electric bill.

This is the first known case of a woman who has ever had to fake not having an orgasm.

Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. Or as Hillary calls 250 orgasms: ten lifetimes.

Doctors report that a 28-year-old woman in England has 250 orgasms a day. Her health is fine other than her smoker’s hack. She has a cigarette after each orgasm. She’s up to fourteen packs a day.

Ut-shay Up-ay, Iran-ay
Iran’s parliament said it would hit back if attacked by the U.S. To which Saddam Hussein told Iran; “Dudes, ix-nay on the it-hay ack-bay.”

Makes sense
Heather Locklear broke up with David Spade. It didn’t work out when Heather suddenly realized she was Heather Locklear and he was David Spade.

Hate to hear that
Enron chief Kenneth Lay was found guilty of all counts of fraud. The bad news for Kenneth Lay? The inmates at the prison he is going to are saying; “Lay. Nobody can eat just one.”

Enron chief Kenneth Lay was found guilty of all counts of fraud. As a result, Ken has to legally change his name from Lay to Screwed.

Lay was charged with 12 counts of perjury and conspiracy and one count of impersonating Martha Stewart.

No sympathy needed
The Miami Heat came back from a big deficit but lost to the Detroit Pistons to tie the series 1-1; it was such a great Miami comeback that you felt sorry for the Heat’s Shaquille O’Neal. That is, until you remember Shaq is a billionaire with a size 23 shoe and corresponding body parts.

Who was Taylor’s tailor?
Taylor Hicks won “American Idol.” Is Taylor really going to become a rock star? Because to me Taylor Hicks kind of looks like the day manager at an Olive Garden. “How is your Linguini, sir?”  

You know what one of the best perks of winning “American Idol” is?  Free pizza delivery for life from Justin Guarini.

Dudely copping a ‘tudely
Now that Taylor Hicks has won “American Idol” he can’t wait to get trashed at the wrap party and call Simon Cowell a big girl’s blouse.

Since you asked:

So there I am at my daughter’s soccer practice and her coach is giving me tips on how to juggle the ball (Tapping it in the air, Hacky Sack style, with thighs and feet as many times as you can before it hits the ground)

All of a sudden, Ann Caroline asks me to show her friends this drill where you place your right foot on top of the ball and then switch back and forth as fast as you can without tripping or kicking the ball or stepping on it. It is an agility drill that I am proud to say I am pretty good at.

Isn’t that sweet, I thought, my daughter is proud of her ol’ Dad and wants to show me off for her friends. So I start furiously hopping up and down, trying to go real fast to impress them, complete with my patented arms-out-for-balance technique. All of a sudden, Ann Caroline says to the girls;

“Doesn’t he look like a chicken?”

Thursday, May 25, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna lay down the lay down on this here hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Courtroom scene
Enron chief Kenneth Lay was found guilty of all counts of fraud and will go to prison. There was an awkward moment when Lay stood up and screamed at the judge;

“I am still the president of Iraq, you have no authority over me.”

And, trust me, the last thing anyone wants is to be sent to prison with the last name Lay.

That should do it
Clay Aiken sang on the last “American Idol.” Clay changed his old spiky red hair style to a sassy dyed brown shag cut. Yeah, that should put a stop to all the gay rumors.

Back in the day
On this day in 1787, the Constitutional Convention began; things were different back then, they didn’t have freezers, Congressmen had to pack their bribes in salt.

Where is Wheezy?
Louisiana congressman William Jefferson was taped accepting $100,000 in bribes, the FBI found $90,000 of it in his freezer. So what? It’s not like Louisiana needs the money to rebuild or anything.

Louisiana congressman William Jefferson was taped accepting $100,000 in bribes, the FBI found $90,000 in his freezer. Now Jefferson says the raid was illegal. Give the guy credit, what he lacks in morals and brains he makes up for in testicles.

That’s a lot of ugly scratch
The ugly bright purple jacket that Taylor Hicks wore on “American Idol” retails for over $1,600. That’s the most anyone’s paid to look hideous since Joan River’s last face lift.

Got that in order
63 Million people voted for the “American Idol” winner, Taylor Hicks, more votes than any U.S. president has ever received. Well, at least we have our priorities straight.

American Idle
Taylor Hicks was the winner of “American Idol.” It was a great night. Prince performed, Clay Aiken showed up, Taylor Hicks left that nasty purple jacket in the closet.

I don’t want to say the bright purple jacket Taylor Hicks wore Tuesday night was gay, but when Taylor took that jacket out of the closet, it came out of the closet.

It was a wild night last night for Taylor Hicks, he won “American Idol” and that nasty purple jacket he wore the night before came out of the closet.

Taylor Hicks won “American Idol.” Now the only “American Idol” questions that remain are what the hell is Paula Abdul on and what was the deal with Taylor Hicks purple jacket?

Taylor Hicks has won “American Idol” so here is some advice on how to make it big: Taylor, work hard, follow your heart and stop stealing gay purple jackets out of Elton John’s closet

Just a beautiful day. To give you and idea how nice it was here in Los Angeles, they decided to show Al Gore’s global warming documentary outside at the drive in instead of inside a theater.

Other than that
Critics say that Madonna’s Los Angeles shows at the Forum were great. There were a few glitches. Like the time Madonna fell off her horse and guest performer Keith Richards fell out of a coconut tree.

Keef in paradise
Keith Richards is home in Connecticut after he fell out of a coconut tree and hit his head. Keith Richards lives in conservative Connecticut? Can’t you just hear Keith’s neighbors?

“Gee-willickers, Muffy, a pirate just broke into the house next door.”

Connecticut doesn’t exactly scream rock and roll. In fact the closest thing to a groupie in Connecticut is an aroma therapist who makes house calls.

Too busy
This has been a very exciting NBA playoff year with all the games going to seven games and most of those games down to the last seconds. It has been so exciting that NBA players haven’t even had time to father illegitimate children.

Assist with Janice Hough
I don’t want to say that Clay Aiken and his impersonator looked gay, but together they made Ryan Seacrest look like Barry Bonds

Since you asked:
OK, this is pretty cute. As I have whined before, we have guys working on our house. The tile guy was just on the outside of the fence by the garage, cutting tile. Inside the fence, Wrigley and Kasey were monitoring him closely. Wrigley was sitting on his haunches with his big, goofy head tilted way to the left so he could see out of the crack between the gate and wall.

It was like that scene in “Forrest Gump” where Forrest sits down with little Forest to watch TV and they both tilt their head to the left at the same time. And, as I know too well, if Wrigley were to talk, his first words after “Can I eat now?” would be;

“I’m not a smart dog. But I know what love is.”

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

It is hard out here

I told her to arrive, but she was already there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Record breaking
A seven-year-old boy named Braxton Bilbray, set a record by swimming from Alcatraz Island to San Francisco. That broke the seven-year-old swimming record set by a boy at the Never Land ranch pool trying to swim away from Michael Jackson.  

Who saw “American Idol”? How about that bright purple jacket Taylor Hicks wore? Even Ryan Seacrest thought it was gay.

We kid they Seacrest out
Ryan Seacrest cut his hand when he sat on and broke a glass table in an “American Idol” production meeting. Ryan is OK, but they had to find a donor with the blood type Gay positive.

Apparently Seacrest isn’t quite as light in his loafers as we presumed.

Ryan Seacrest cut his hand when he sat on and broke a glass table in an “American Idol” production meeting. Ryan is OK now, but the cut was pretty bad. Witnesses say that accident was uglier than Taylor Hick’s purple jacket.

So mean
The New York Post revealed that Hillary Clinton has an iPod and it has a lot of Rolling Stones songs. That makes sense. After all, one of the Stones’ big hits is called “Bitch.”

That’s a lot of protection
It was a beautiful day today. It was so sunny “The De Vinci Code’s” sinister albino monk had to use SPF 300.
On thin ice
Maybe it’s just me, but on “American Idol” if Taylor Hicks screams soul patrol one more time, I am going to stick his head in a bucket of Grecian Formula 16.

Weepy Dad
How about “American Idol” contestant Katharine McPhee’s weepy father? I’ve never seen anyone cry that much who wasn’t a Chicago Cubs fan.

I haven’t seen anyone cry that much since President Bush looked at his approval ratings.  

Idle idol
On “American Idol” Paula Abdul said Taylor Hicks was possessed. Then Paula threw up Pea Soup and her head spun around.

On his knees
Once again a North Carolina teacher was fired for sleeping with her high school senior male student. Apparently there is prayer in school ‘cause a lot of guy’s prayers are coming true.

Now that’s gay
For the second time on “American Idol” Katharine McPhee did a rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” It was the only thing on the show gayer than Taylor Hick’s purple jacket.

Not easy
Do you know what was the hardest thing about making Fox’s show “So You Think You Can Dance?” Finding a host gayer than Ryan Seacrest.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It is hard out here

Can I just say that it is hard out here for a joke pimp, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ahh, that time again
You can tell it is spring time. High school students are asking if they can go outside to have sex with their teachers.

Are you excited for the big season finale of “American Idol”? Paula Abdul is so excited she accidentally poured some coke into her rum and coke.

Here we go again
President Bush is sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border. It’s all part of President Bush’s plan to search out Burritos of mass destruction.

Can you imagine how relieved the National Guard soldiers are to go to Mexican border instead of Iraq? At the border the only terrorists are Mariachi bands.

New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said that if the horse, Hemingway’s Key, doesn’t run well in the Belmont, he will have the horse neutered. Upon hearing this, struggling Yankee pitcher, Randy clutched his Johnson.

Too bad
The Senate has approved a law that increases broadcast obscenity fines by ten times. Well, so much for our “There was a Man from Nantucket” limerick segment.

Idle Idol
Experts say Taylor Hicks will win “American Idol” because he looks like a young George Clooney. And the experts say Ryan Seacrest will still be annoying because he looks like a young Joan Rivers.

President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes; which is amazing when you consider that, before he was president, George W. Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery.

Big stud
Well, after an agonizingly long wait, it looks like that big muscle-bound horse is going to be OK and retire out to stud. But enough about Barry Bonds, Barbaro also doing better.

Pretty sure on this
The whole product placement in movies thing has gone too far. Take, for example, that scene in “The De Vinci Code” that showed the De Vinci’s “The Last Supper” I’m not a theologian, but I am pretty sure the last supper was not held at an Olive Garden.

Things are trickier
You know the latest trend in high schools? Elaborate, expensive and creative ways for the guy to ask a girl to the prom: sky writing, engraved jewelry, live bands. It’s not like last year where the guy could just stay after class and ask his teacher.

Rhymes with bite sash
Britney Spears was leaving a New York Hotel carrying a drink and her baby when she tripped and almost dropped the baby. When asked why she almost dropped the baby, Britney said;

“Shoot, I didn’t want to spill my drink, it was a full Mountain Dew and Gin, y’all,”

Get it
The fastest growing girls name is Nevaeh, which is heaven backwards. Not nearly as popular is the other new backwards girl’s name: Tuls.

Or a Slickie
Reports are that, after major surgery on a badly broken ankle, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro, was walking around showing extreme interest in nearby mares. From the brink of total disaster to lusting after the ladies. In political terms this is known as pulling a Clinton.

Best of both
Thanks to “The Sopranos” there is a new word in everyone’s vocabulary. The word whore pronounced Jersey-style as who’errr, as in sewer. Or, as in Paris Hilton’s case, you can have a sewer who’er.


Thanks to “The Sopranos” there is a new word in everyone’s vocabulary. The word whore pronounced Jersey-style as whoeerrr, which rhymes with poor. Or, as in Anna Nicole Smith before she married the old rich guy: a poor whoeerr.

Hard to get that big head around that
If he pulls through, Barbaro will have a lucrative future as a breeding stud. That’s got to be a weird concept for a horse to comprehend.

“Let me get this straight, instead of getting whipped on my butt and running my tail off around a stupid circle, all I have to do to get paid a fortune is what again? Seriously, am I getting punked? Come on, where’s Ashton Kucher?”

Do the math
Kirstie Alley wants to appear on Oprah in a bikini and she has lost over 70 pounds. Or as 70 pounds is known in Hollywood terms, the Olsen Twins and David Spade.

After surgery on a badly broken ankle, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro, was lowered into a pool for water therapy; it’s the same system they used to bathe Kirstie Alley before she lost weight.

Since you asked:

Barry Bonds home run chase is just one more in a long series of things the press has wrong; nobody really cares, nor did they ever care, about home run totals, except for a bunch of Rainman-like sports dorks. When Maris broke Ruth’s record the stands were half empty. The McGuire and Sosa battle was of great interest because it was a close race, not because of the numbers. We wanted to see who won.

But add to the fact that the guy chasing the record was a steroid user, take our apathy and multiply it times ten.

My love, growing up, was the Decathlon and I studied the sport. When Bruce Jenner packed on thirty five to forty pounds of pure muscle between Munich in 1972 and Montreal in 1976, did I suspect he was using steroids? Yes, everybody did. At the time, did I consider it cheating? No. It was, in my mind, like somebody using a better vaulting pole or lighter track spikes. Before Rafer Johnson, no track athlete even lifted weights. Steroids were viewed, in 1976, as a way of making weight lifting more effective.

Now do I consider Bruce Jenner a cheater? Absolutely, yes, I do. Even though I idolized Jenner in 1976, the fact is he would not have been better than everyone else without the drugs. Period.

Should Jenner’s records and gold medal be taken away because he used steroids? No. That would be like taking the records away from athletes who ran faster on a synthetic track. Steroids were, unfortunately, part of the athletic landscape and you cannot undue that, as much as you’d like to.

Without steroids, Bruce Jenner would have been exactly what he was in 1972: a skinny but way-above-average Decathlete. Jenner did not possess the physical makeup to be wildly strong and that was always going to keep him from being the best. The Decathlon has always been a balancing act between strength and speed, just like it is with hitting home runs. If you suddenly give a skinny guy with a ton of speed unnatural strength, the contest is over. The quick, skinny, well coordinated guys, like Jenner and Sosa and Bonds used to be, benefit far more from steroids than do the naturally big and muscular guys who are stronger but less coordinated or a little less quick.

Just because Jenner had more points than Rafer Johnson, does that make Rafer’s heroic gold medal winning collapse into the arms of his best friend and competitor, C.K. Yang, at the end of his 1,500 meters in Rome in 1960, any less spectacular? Oh, hell no.

And how about the Sosa-like vanishing act Jenner performed after Montreal? Not only did he vanish from the sport, his body vanished without the steroids. No less than four years after his gold medal, Jenner was down to maybe 170 pounds, fifty pounds of muscle from when he competed. Fifty freaking pounds of muscle.

Just like Rafer Johnson is still considered a noble Olympic icon and Bruce Jenner, Mr. Ugly Sweater Infomercial huckster, is not, that is how history is going to compare Barry Bonds to Babe Ruth.

Bonds, Sosa, Conseco and McGuire will be remembered in baseball as Bruce Jenner is remembered in track: another guy who cheated with steroids to put their selfish quest for glory at the expense of fairness and at the expense of their sport’s reputation.

Forget the asterisks or altering the record books, their tarnished legacy is punishment enough.