Friday, December 20, 2002

You called down the comedy thunder? Well, you . . . might have to wait a while on that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Are you gonna skin that smoke wagon and go to work or just stand there and bleed? "Tombstone" is to Kevin Costner's "Wyatt Earp" as "Without Limits" is to "Pre." Both are object lessons on how good and bad hollywood can be on the same biography. P.S. I liked the old, fat, not-crazy-as-an-outhouse-rat Billy Bob Thornton.

Ted Williams' eldest daughter, Bobby Joe Williams Ferrell, finally dropped her lawsuit against having the Hall of Famer's body frozen at a cryonics lab in Arizona. People thought Williams was a hard guy to get out at the plate, it turns out he’s even harder guy to get plugged into a cemetery.

Keith Richards turned 59 this week. He’s doing well. You know why? His blood is only a year-old.

For the first time, McDonalds is losing money. Probably not coincidentally, also for the first time, the McDonalds food wrappers now taste better than the food.

I’m not sure about some of these shopping mall Santas. Yesterday at the mall, when a kid tried to tell Santa what he wanted, Santa said; “Talk to the hand, ‘cause the beard ain’t listenin’.”

The White House's ``Barney-cam'' is a holiday Web hit, the first day of President Bush’s Scottish terrier-eye view of the White House Christmas decorations. In fact, the Barney Cam has a better view from the White House carpet than Monica did.

James Gandolfini who plays Tony Soprano on “The Sopranos” divorce has been finalized. He made her a settlement she couldn’t refuse.

Hundreds of Kentucky felons were allowed to leave jails and prisons early due to a $6 million deficit in the corrections budget. One free’d Kentucky inmate said he couldn’t wait to see his sister and his wife because she is one great lady.

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Dr. Phil said he felt his show is really what television should be. He’s right, I’ll take a bald, hick, know-it-all over a moon walk or the Beatles “Ed Sullivan” debut anytime. Forget “One small step for man,” I’d rather have “Either you get it or you don’t.” Dr. Phil is what television should be? That’s gotta make Opra feel all warm and fuzzy.

Mariah Carey appeared on “Larry King Live” and announced; “I’m not a whacko.” Mariah then proceeded to field calls from the other voices in her head.

I read in a review of a tell-all-the-dirt book about "Saturday Night Live" that it was universally agreed that Chevy Chase was the world's biggest, well, it rhymes with gas pole. And to think I was mad at him for starting the tradition of leaving SNL to make bad movies. Bill Murray is my man. And it turns out he didn't like Chevy either. My sources say that awesome scene in "Caddy Shack" with those two together was the comedy equivelent of a you-know-what slamming contest. Each was trying to out-comedy the other. It worked out in the end. See that? Comedy and bitter angst and animosity can all work beautifully together.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The good part about being an adult? Back to school time in the fall. The bad part? Christmas ain't nearly as fun as it used to be. It's still fun, though. Especially through the eyes of my child. And, after all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, aren't self-important blatantly obvious statements like that really what it's all about? (Polite applause)

Here's wishing you and yours a very happy holiday. What is a yours? Is that the quick way to say loved ones? Or how about family and friends? No, let's go with yours. I just had an epiphany. The initial spread of the freedom of speech cancer that we now call political correctness may have had been spawned when it became necessary to say Holidays instead of Christmas for fear of offending. Whoever got offended at the word Christmas, you are the one who started political correctness. Nice job, I hope you are happy. Now we can't write squat without offending some reactionary whacko. Why, you little rodent, I oughtta . . . . oh, yeah, holiday spirit, all that, yeah, yeah, ho, ho, ho.

Monday, December 16, 2002

I have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers pa rum pum pum pum

Now, I know you've heard my rant on why actors, who can't even put on their own makeup, are the least qualified to advise us on foreign policy, but . . . Bad boy actor Sean Penn is in Iraq observing. He may not be a bad choice to send there. Stay with me, now. After all, the guy was married to Madonna, so why would he be afraid of Saddam Hussein?

Marvel Comics introduced the first openly gay comic book character. It’s called "The Rawhide Kid.” This is better than their first idea; “The Confessional Booth Bandit.”

Flamboyant British pop star Elton John said he has decided to take the plunge and have laser eye surgery. I am willing to bet Elton’s first words after having the corrective eye surgery will be; “Hey, who put this ugly rug on my head?”

Former vice president Al Gore announced he will not seek a rematch against President Bush in 2004. And you thought the Trent Lott scandal had republicans depressed . . .

People are asking what has happened to the last place Los Angeles Laker’s offense? Looking at the Lakers, I have to guess that Shaq ate it. I don’t want to say Shaq has gotten too hefty, but last night Shaq was charged with a three second violation while standing behind the three point line. Pa rum pum pum pum. (The Little Drummer Boy is doing my rimshots)

Wildlife experts in Florida say there’s an outbreak of baldness among the state’s black bears. In addition, there has been a reported increase in the bear’s use of Porsche’s and gold chains. Nothing sadder than a bear with a bad comb-over. Today Cy Sperling introduced the Hair Club for Bears.

In Hollywood, plans are underway for a fourth "Indiana Jones” movie, a fourth "Mad Max” movie, and a sixth "Rocky” film. It’s part of the Screen Actors Guild’s new retirement package. In the sixth “Rocky” they finally explain why they didn’t stop after the third “Rocky.”

The most popular baby names for 2002, according to research conducted by, are: Madison, Ethan, Bailey, Caleb, Aiden and Hannah. Since when did the Amish start having so many babies? Madison, Ethan, Bailey, Caleb, Aiden and Hannah. Thou’est art some yee olde righteous names.

"Playboy” has signed a deal to develop the first, official "Playboy” video game. This will bring new meaning to the term joystick.

It’s been cold back East. In Washington, Trent Lott burned a cross just to stay warm. Pa rum pum pum pum.

As reported earlier, Australia’s largest brothel is going public with a stock offering. This could be interesting if they declare a dividend payment. “Honey, do you want to explain why Sheila’s Cathouse is sending you checks? “

By the way, have you ever gone to a Tiki Bar and ordered a Rum Pum Pa Pum? It'll set you free, Slats and Nuggies.