Yah freakin' hooo

I would like to be the first to wish all dyslexics a Yappie Hew Near


The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit pulled down his pants and his whole plan blew up on his crotch. As a result, investigators have nicknamed him Tiger Woods.

The general consensus is that if 2009 was a medical procedure, it would require a proctologist issuing a profuse apology.

The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit had his explosive device catch fire in his lap. The good news is the commotion woke up the pilots and they didn’t miss the airport.

In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic violence on Christmas; Sheen is the spokesperson for Hanes Underwear. My attorney has just advised me not to disclose the wife-beater- t-shirt joke I was just about to tell.

Since you asked:

Notice how you hear; “I’m tired, but it’s a good tired.” You hardly ever hear; “I’m broke, but it’s a good broke”

Words that should never go together:

Anal Bleaching

Explosive Diarrhea

Interpretive Jazz

Freelance Poetry

Discount Sushi

Rush Limbaugh


(My loathing of Rush is not a political thing. It is a He-is-a-bloated-douche-bag-wildly-under-qualified-egomaniac-bully-A-hole thing.

Did our tradition of watching the great "Some Like It Hot" on New Year's. Problem this time was I noticed the uncanny resemblance between an old high school ex and Jack Lemmon as Daphne. But I think my ex liked women a lot more.

Goodbye faithful steed

Oh snap dappah do bob bing bang boom, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


“New moooon, I saw you standing alooooone”
“US” magazine reports “New Moon’s”, Taylor Lautner and singer, Taylor Swift, have broken up; thus ends the classic saga, The Tale of Two Taylors. As far as their relationship, apparently Swift was, like, whatever, and Lautner was all, as if.

A close anonymous source told me; “This is sad. Taylor and Taylor were so cute together. He called her his widdle monkey pickles, and she called him his big Tay-Tay Bear.” Then I threw up.

Another close source says the strain of having the same name became too much; “OMG, someone would, like, say Taylor and they were, all, like, which one?”

Another ugly rumor has it Swift became suspicious Lautner was calling out his own first name during sex. This is a sad, cautionary tale of how, when the fabric of a relationship gets torn, it can’t be repaired even when there are two Taylors.
(polite applause)

Woods goods
The latest rumor is the Tiger Woods scandal is that Tiger has had to retreat to Arizona for extensive dental and cosmetic surgery to repair injuries sustained the night of his crash; “Gosh, I hope such a wonderful husband and father is OK.” said no woman on earth.

Hey, Happy Birthday to Tiger Woods who is 34 today; that is 164 in Getting-caught-cheating-on-your-wife-15-times years.

Unless it’s them
An 18- year UCLA study reveals 75% of kids see their parents naked and are not traumatized. Unless either of their parents is named Michael Moore, Kirsty Alley or Al Gore.


So sexist
In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic assault, Sheen, who has a history of violent relationships, including shooting fiancé, Kelly Preston; Sheen should consider going back to prostitutes, when it comes to women, Charlie has better luck renting than owning.

Lots of booze is the new booze

Here's wishing my dysexlia better gets in 1020


Let’s get the next year in gear all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for domestic violence on Christmas; where is Aspen? In Charlie’s case his Aspen in jail.

In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic violence on Christmas; Sheen is the spokesperson for Hanes Underwear. My attorney has just advised me not to disclose the wife-beater- t-shirt joke I was just about to present.

The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit pulled down his pants and his whole plan blew up on his crotch. As a result, investigators have nicknamed him Tiger Woods.

The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit had his explosive device catch fire in his lap. The good news is the commotion woke up the pilots and they didn’t miss the airport.

Good riddance to 2009. You know your year ended on a bad note when your playful request of “Pull my finger” was immediately followed by the panicked shriek; “Oh my god, get a towel.” Or so I imagine . . .

A study reveals you are six times more likely to get in an auto accident if you text or post on Twitter or Facebook while driving. And you are one hundred times more likely to be a total and utter douche bag.



Since you asked:

There is a slight, ugly part of me that wants to produce a movie called “The Whore Horror” and then hire Barbara Walters, Rosie Perez and Fran Drescher to promote it. It will be the greatest thing since Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” routine.

Fran Drescher: “Go see “The Whore Horror.”

The press: “The Who-uh Uh-whah”?

Rose Perez, “Not the Who-uh Uh-whah, “The Whore Horror.”

Press: “The Harry Worrier”

Barbara Walters; “No, siwwy, not the “The Harry Worrier” “The Whore Horror.”

Press “The Her Error Eyore”? Is this a Winnie the Pooh spin off?”