Friday, October 07, 2011

You best un-eff yourself and start essing me Tiffany cufflinks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Thursday, October 06, 2011

My line for today?

Puppies look cute even when they're pooping.

Eric Clapton - Beware Of Darkness (Concert For George)(HQ)

Nobody did more to stop the darkness than Steve Jobs

All you did was change the entire world for the better, Steve Jobs, well done for all my Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Among the two most popular Halloween costumes for kids this year are zombies and Snooki; one is a brain-dead scary ghoul who feasts on the flesh of the living, the other is a zombie.

The producers of “The Simpsons” said they have to cut way back on their budget; apparently they don’t have enough “Dough!”

Amanda Knox was acquitted of killing her roommate; here’s my question: how can we get Amanda Knox on the cast of “Jersey Shore”?

Amanda Knox’s legal team was brilliant; they stocked the jury with guys and said her roommate took her last beer.

In So. CA, a former model in prison for murdering her husband and eating parts of his body, is seeking parole. As for what parts of her dead husband she ate, let’s just say she deserves to be in the penal system.

Authorities suspected she might be a cannibal when she went shopping for fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Rep. candidate, Rick Perry, raised $17 mil. last month. Is it just me, or does Rick Perry look like a politician who doesn’t know any of his staff members names so he calls all the women darling and all the men sport?

Is it just me or does Rick Perry look like a guy who says idea-wise a lot?

Is it just me, or does Rick Perry look like a guy who loudly sucks on his gold toothpick after eating a big juicy steak?

Since you asked:
While the rest of the big do-nothing Presidents and CEO’s of huge corporations were still wearing expensive suits and swilling down martinis with steak dinners and chasing their secretaries around a desk, Steve Jobs was sitting on the floor with co-workers wearing a turtleneck and blue jeans with flip flops and eating Chinese food with chopsticks out of the carton while working late in into the night.

So, Steve, if a little worried-looking sweet bear of a yellow lab runs up and gives you "Thank you" licky-smooches on your foot, bare with it, sure it is a wee annoying, but my Kasey means so well.

Well played, Steve Jobs, well played.

Lex's rock star inspired hotel room secrets:

Bring some funky cool scarves to drape over the lamps to add a cool vibe, ala Keefers Richards. Don't take up a lot of room in your bag, but they add a classy touch.

Bring an iPod speaker. Music throughout the room makes a huge difference.

Buy or bring the booze you want to drink. Room hotel drinks are awful and a rip off.

Wash clothes in the sink and let them dry in the bathroom. Beats having to pack too much.

Leave the TV on when you leave. You're not paying for the electricity and any would-be robbers are fooled away.

Have lot of fresh fruit around, bananas, apples, pears, plums, grapes along. It beats paying for room service and it looks good when it is sitting out.

Bring snacks like cheese and crackers and pistachio nuts and sausage. Fill up on this and you won't stuff yourself of crap food in a restaurant.

Get lots of ice and keep it around. Again, its free and useful for drinks and athletic related soreness.

Guys, when traveling with your kids and wife, when the coffee kicks in, go use the lobby bathroom. It's called taking one for the team.

Spray your cologne in the room. It will help kill the hotel room antiseptic smell.

Go for a jog around the area near the hotel. You might find something cool, like a great bar and grill or some historical crap. Best way to cure jet lag.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

This just in:

"The History Channel" claims they used semen in WWI for invisible ink. So imagine how surprised the first General was to get a message from his top aid in invisible-ink semen? Imagine how pissed he was to discover it was in his wife's handwriting?

Skin that smoke-wagon and we'll see what happens, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Amanda Knox was acquitted of murder. You know what Amanda Knox is going as for Halloween? OJ Simpson.

First Casey Anthony and now Amanda Knox; remember the good old days when white chicks getting away with murder meant they were cutting the line at the nightclub?

Amanda’s defense team was brilliant. They stocked the jury with women and said Amanda’s roommate took her last tampon.

You know what the least favorite Halloween candy is? Candy Corn. The second least favorite candy? Whatever R. Kelly and Roman Polanski are handing out.

Amanda Knox was acquitted of murder. In a perfect world, Casey Anthony becomes her next roommate.

After 22 years, “Monday Night Football” is dropping Hank Williams introduction song “Are You Ready For Some Football?” because Williams compared President Obama to Hitler; now if we could only get Flo the “Progressive Insurance” lady to compare Obama to Hitler.

Amanda Knox was acquitted of murder. Now Amanda has to advertise for a new roommate. “S.W.F. looking for roommate.” Not Single White Female: Someone Wrongfully Freed.

Having had roommates, I cannot condone such a crime, but I certainly can understand it;

“Your honor, my client would like to plead temporary insanity due to the victim drinking his last beer.”

Have you seen the Verizon Wireless commercial where New York Jets QB, Mark Sanchez throws footballs out of the stadium showering them over a city? It is so unrealistic. In the commercial, Sanchez doesn’t get sacked once.

Its National Taco Day. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie celebrated National Taco Day by eating a Taco Bell. No, that is not a typo, he didn’t eat at Taco Bell, he ate a Taco Bell. Restaurant. Whole.

How about all of those come-from-behind wins this weekend in the NFL? Why, the NFL hasn't had that many come-from-behind's since (insert your own Antonio Cromartie 9-kids-with-8-different-mothers joke here)

Since you asked:

You know how some people have a thing? We were driving home South on 15 in Temecula from a soccer tournament a year ago, and we see this white, middle-age-to-older couple riding their matching all-white Harley Davidson cruiser bikes dressed in all white helmets, buckskin fringe jackets and pants. Bet you anything his name was Gus and her name was Dottie. And they are a hoot to be around. Yep, them’s good people.

And motorcycling is their thing, bless their hearts.

My buddy, Kevin, he is a great surfer. The guy surfs almost every day and he has surfed his whole life. Lord knows I love stand up paddle board surfing, but surfing is Kevin’s thing. He is tasteful about it, he collects old wood Hawaiian boards, has a coffee table made out of a surfboard, and has nice surfing art watercolors. Even his expensive taste in clothes leans towards a surfing motif.

Surfing is his thing.

Me? Don’t have a thing. I have things. Stand Up Paddle Board Surfing is one of my things. Playing harmonica in a band is one of my things. Comedy writing is definitely one of my things. Grilling and drinking wine is definitely one of my things. Ann Caroline’s soccer and track are some of my things. Texas Hold ‘Em poker is one of my things. Snowboarding? Watching football and baseball? Things.

Fixing cars or polishing cars? Working in the yard? Not one of my things. Can see why they would be someone else’s thing, but they aren’t one of mine. Same with hunting, fishing, camping. Would like to do all of them from time to time, just not one of my things.

For me, losing weight was like cleaning the garage. Yeah, I need to do it, but what is the hurry?

Then I saw the pictures from the reunion.

Guess who has a new thing?

Yep, I have decided to make eating lighter and better, exercising more and better, and thus losing weight, one of my things.

Vegetarian during the day. No meat, no eggs. Just smoothies, yogurt, cereal, fruit, veggies and nuts until 5:30. Work out, an-after work out meditation and then make dinner. Just not going crazy. Keeping it healthy and light.

Wine? Yes, its one of my things, but less of it. San Diego Sunsets? Yes, but way less, only on weekends. And then just one or two.

Last night, as it was National Taco Night, I grilled flour tortillas and stuffed them with grilled shrimp, shredded red cabbage, avocado slices, shredded Monterey cheese and a mixed sauce of sour cream, salsa and a dab of honey and bam’d the tacos with roughly chopped cilantro.

So on nights when I grill fish, I am a full-blown veggie for a day. But make no mistake, after a great workout or a great surfing session, once a week I am grilling a hellacious steak with tasty potatoes or a juicy burger.

So, Lex, what do you think about the “new” “Two and a Half Men?”

Not going to work.

But remember, I am the guy who said Madonna and rap were passing fads.

Although “TAAHM” isn’t quite jumping the shark, we can see the puppeteer’s strings. You can almost hear this in the writer’s meeting:

“Listen up people. We need some spit-balling. How do we get Alan and Jake Harper living back in the heart-broken billionaire’s Malibu beach house with Berta the housekeeper. OK, go.”

The smell of desperation is in the "TAAHM" air.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Randy Newman - I Think It's Going to Rain Today

Monday, October 03, 2011

The Odd Couple Theatrical Trailer

Is everybody happy*, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Many feel Chaz Bono will be voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” Critics say Bono’s performance just wasn’t ballsy enough.

Top al-Qaeda leader, Anwar al-Awlaki, was killed by a drone missile; he was the leader and then he just exploded, experts are calling it almost Boston Red Sox-like.

Can you believe they just let a billion dollar unit crash to the earth like that? But enough about the Boston Red Sox, how about that NASA satellite that fell to earth?

The NBA season may be cancelled. This would resort in more unwanted pregnancies than all the storm-caused electricity black-outs combined.

Rumor has it Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are splitting up; he wants to spend more time with other people, she wants to spend more time looking for the reading glasses on top of her head.

Ron Paul was against the assassination of al Qaeda leader, Anwar al-Awlaki. Paul feels the proper way to assassinate someone is to have them appear like a crazy old fool on televised debates.

First it was cantaloupe, then broccoli and now a shipment to lettuce may contain the deadly bacteria listeria. And yet pizza eaters continue to stay alive. See Mom? I was right.

In China they have an Obama Fried Chicken store with a picture of President Obama; the chicken is so good the customers are no longer ordering the cat.

Since you asked:

*Remember that awesome scene in “The Odd Couple” where Walter Mathau’s character, Oscar, leaves the living room to fix drinks in the kitchen for the the British blind date Pigeon sisters? And Jack Lemon’s character, Felix, starts to get weepy talking about his newly separated wife and kids? Soon they’re all reduced to sobbing over their lost loves.

Oscar comes back in with the trey of drinks and shouts;

“Is everybody happy?”

His adorable hound-dog face instantly melts from a huge smile to stunned disbelief.

Oscar says;

“What happened? I leave you for three minutes and I walk back into a funeral parlor.”

That’s what happened today after I dropped Ann Caroline off at school.

Ran into that really cute yellow lab puppy, Molly, and her owner and her friend and then I had to go and bring up putting Kasey to sleep. Told her how I feared for many years having to take Kasey to the place she hated the most: the vet, for her last moment. And how happy I was we found a vet who would put Kasey down in her, our, home.

When the vet got here, we let Kasey in, bless her heart, she scrounged around the kitchen and got one last piece of Trader Joe’s faux Cheeto hidden in the corner. We laid her down on her favorite spot on the Oriental rug by the French doors, there was a ray of sun beam warming her. We petted her, told how much we loved her and Kasey gave me one last lick-smooch on my left hand.

Then, peacefully, she went to sleep.

They gently put her on a little blue cloth stretcher with a white blanket tucked on her body just over her shoulders, her sweet little seal-pup head sticking out like the sleeping angel she is. We gave her a last smooch on the furry head and they took her away in the van to be cremated, her ashes to be spread in the ocean.

Kasey loved the ocean.

When I looked up, both women were crying like they were watching “Brian’s Song.”

We do what we can to start people’s day off on a happy note.

Listen, I studied enough of the genius behaviorist, Abraham Maslow, in college to understand that self-realization is the second-to-last step to enlightenment, or, as Maslow called it: self-actualization.

The needs, as Maslow placed them, are in order: physical, safety, affection, self-realization and, for a select few, like Abraham Lincoln and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, self-actualization.

And when it comes to participating in the “I am the world’s most perfect human being” contest, I admittedly dropped out a long time ago.

But when I saw the pictures from the 35th reunion, I actually started to sweat, I looked so bad. The words: bloated walrus came to mind.

Now, I admit I look like a 53-year-old light skinned person who has been in the sun too much due to track, windsurfing and surfing. And I confess to a love of grilled food, wine and cocktails.

But I can still run a good three miler. Can stand up paddle board surf hard for two hours. Can you hold the plank position for two minutes? No? Well I can. How many people do you know who can jump rope while on the Indo Board? Well I am one of them.

So why, in those pictures, did I look like Stephen Stills after a five-week donut binge?

Whatever the opposite of anorexia is, I must have it. Honest to god, my legs, arms, butt, chest and back all still seem and look to me, muscular. Yes, I have a much thicker gut now, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

It’s that bad.

That’s it. That sound you heard is the gauntlet being tossed to the ground. It is no longer a question of; “Oh, I am going to run a little more.” Or, “Maybe I’ll cut down on snacks.” Or, “After Christmas I am going to get serious.”

This is war. It is official, I am on a nutritional and exercise routine that is a part of my life, like playing harmonica is a part of my life, like surfing is now a part of my life, like writing comedy is a part of my life, like calling Wrigley ridiculously goofy baby-talk nicknames, like Mr. Snickers hound-doggy, and doodle-drawers, and Otis-T cuddle bunny, is a part of my life.

Hey, fat and bloated? You called down the thunder, well you got it. And hell’s coming with me. Hell’s coming with me.

But maybe a snack and a nap first. I need to be rested.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

It is about forgiveness, Cubs fans. Not ours of him, his of us.

Don Henley - The Heart Of The Matter (Official Music Video)