November 9

How we do it is how we do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Oops
It was a little embarrassing when Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles wrapped up their US tour; President Bush called the Prince and said; “You and your Aunt are welcome here any time.”


So sad
It’s starting to get a little sad for Terrell Owens. In a desperate attempt to get some attention, last night Terrell Owens tried to have sex in a bar bathroom with a hot lesbian cheerleader but, like the Eagles, she also dumped Terrell.

A bye by another spelling
The San Diego Chargers, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Tennessee Titans and the New Orleans Saints all have byes this week. In fact one team had two bi’s this week, but the Carolina Panther’s fired those cheerleaders.


You’ve heard the Carolina Panthers fired two cheerleaders who were arrested for having sex with each other in a Tampa bar bathroom and starting a fight. You know who I feel sorry for? The remaining Panther Cheerleaders on Sunday; guys will be liquored up yelling; “Eww, a high kick and the splits. Big deal. Come on, you can do more than that.”



You make and have reservations
In Iraq, they are going to build a huge luxury hotel in downtown Baghdad; positions as valet parking attendants are still available.


In Iraq, they are going to build a huge luxury hotel in downtown Baghdad. You know how Chicago has the House of Blues Hotel? Baghdad will have the House of Kablews Hotel.




Thank you, thank you, thank you     

By now you’ve heard about the Carolina Panthers fired two cheerleaders who were arrested for having sex with each other in a Tampa bar bathroom and then starting a female cat fight. I’ve been busy trying to retrace my steps to figure out which god I pleased and why.  


Start me up with Metamucil

The Rolling Stones received rave reviews for their concert here at the Hollywood Bowl; but you can tell the Stones are older. Like how Mick Jagger changed the lyrics from “Hey, hey, you, you get off of my cloud” to “Hey, hey, you you punks get off of my lawn.”


Like how Mick Jagger changed “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” to “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want.”


Like how Mick Jagger changed “Jumping Jack Flash” to “Broken Hip Flash.”


The Rolling Stones received rave reviews for their concert here at the Hollywood Bowl but you can tell the Stones are getting older. After their last encore, Mick came off the stage and grumbled, “That’s not music, that’s noise.”


The Rolling Stones received rave reviews for their concert here at the Hollywood Bowl but you can tell the Stones are getting older. At one point during the concert, Mick turned to the band and yelled; “You punks turn down that noise or I’ll call the cops.”


Chic
You know what the latest trend is in Hollywood? Sushi served on the body of a beautiful naked woman. You know what the second latest trend is? Guys making really inappropriate tuna jokes.

You don’t call the house, already, ready, Freddy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Harr, avast there yee scallywags

Pirates attacked a luxury cruise liner off of the coast Africa with canons and gun shots. The attackers then withdrew when they were informed that Halloween was over days ago.


That sounds about right
In London, a new study has found that 80,000 lines of cocaine spill into the River Thames every day. As a result they have changed the name to River Kate Moss.


Yikes
KFC has announced that its customers have no risk of getting avian flu from eating its chicken; disturbingly, KFC went on to say if there is ever a rat or cat flu then their customers can worry.


Chilly Bird day
Tom Cruise has fired his publicist who just happens to also be his sister. Things could get a little icy at Thanksgiving: “Excuse me, could you tell shorty I don’t work for him anymore and if he wants the damn gravy to ask that bastard he replaced me with.”


Tom Cruise has fired his publicist. Is that really going to help? The way Cruise has been acting he should fire his psychiatrist.


Nutty-acting Tom Cruise announced has fired his sister publicist. The bad news? He replaced her with Terrill Owens.


Tom Cruise has fired his sister publicist. Is that going to help? At this point that’s like Michael Jackson firing his makeup artist.


Well, that’s something anyway
This week the trial started for the men who tried to blackmail Yankee slugger Gary Sheffield by releasing a videotape of Sheffield’s wife having sex. In a related story, Sheffield’s wife was offered one of vacant spots on the Carolina Panther’s cheerleading squad.


Yep, this again
The Carolina Panthers have fired the two cheerleaders for conduct embarrassing to the team; upon hearing that, the Houston Texans fired their entire offensive line.


What won’t they think of next?
A company in California has come out with a wine inspired by Michael Jackson that is called “Jesus Juice.” You have to be twenty one to buy it and under ten to drink it.




What a coincidence
Madonna announced she is through with acting. This announcement comes twenty years to the day that acting was officially through with Madonna.


Great idea
Lindsay Lohan has announced she is enrolling in New York University. She wants to get her degree so that she can go on to teach driver’s ed.


Ahhhnold
All of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s four propositions failed. What I can hardly wait for is to see how Arnold, the most unfailingly upbeat guy in the world, puts a positive spin on this;


“Yah, it’s fantastic, all of deese things mit da humiliation, and defeat and da embarrassment and mit da losing and da loss of zah power, and da things of dat nature, yah, it’s fantastic.”

Uh, no sir

Uh, no sir, that’s not what, oh forget it
President Bush was in South America. It was a little embarrassing when they asked Bush what he thought of Uruguay, Bush replied; “I think it’s fine if you’re a gay, I just don’t think you should get married.”

We got us a plan and we gonna take it to the man, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Non, oui?
There have been eleven straight days of rioting in Paris, France. The French are not sure what caused the riots but they do know it has something to do with Lance Armstrong using performance enhancing drugs.


Beating more than just this dead horse
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom and a fight ensued. Give the arresting officer credit, he was very meticulous. “OK, girls, to get a fair perspective, I want you two to replicate exactly what happened in the bathroom for me.


Blow out
In Oklahoma, the Hanna High basketball team lost to Earlsboro 112 to 2. Apparently the Hanna team was manned by their soccer team and they didn’t know they could use their hands.

How’d you like to be the guy who scored the loser’s lone basket? “The good news, Dad? I was the team’s high scorer . . .”

The Gov on board
California democratic state senator Gloria Romero is going to introduce legislation that would decriminalize women baring their breasts in public; to which Rep Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger said; “See? We can work together for worthy bipartisan legislation.”


About then
The New York City marathon was last weekend; that means most of the bodies missing from the race will be discovered as early as this Friday.


Mauvias
There have been eleven straight days of rioting in France. It’s so bad the French were going to deploy their army. Then they remembered, oh yeah, we’re French, we don’t have an Army.

Things in France are so bad even the Germans don’t want to invade it anymore.

The rioters are Africans and Muslims angry at being treated badly by the French; in response, the French said; “We didn’t treat them badly, besides, who cares what a bunch of worthless foreigners think?”





Special day
Today is the election here in California. That means voters will have to study hard to try and decide what their excuse for not voting is.


Fair enough
The Las Vegas mayor, Oscar B. Goodman, said he wants to cut the thumbs off of vandals caught writing graffiti; in a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles agreed to take back Terrell Owens if they can cut off his tongue.


Oh my goodness
Raven-haired, green-eyed, Indy car racing babe Danika Patrick has been accused of punching another driver in a race altercation; let’s review, she’s a great driver, she’s beautiful and she can punch. If I was a cartoon character there would be hearts floating around my head.


Nyuck Nyuck Study
A humor study from Stanford reveals that men are less analytical with humor than women and that’s why men prefer slapstick humor, like “The Three Stooges” and women prefer thoughtful jokes. To women I say congratulations on your intellect and, to men I would like to say; “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, woobobwoobwob, oh, a wise guy, nyaahaahah.”


Can you blame her?
“The National Enquirer” reports that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s marriage is on the rocks because Kevin is not participating in raising their baby; Britney is sick and tired of always having to be the one to tell their huge staff of nurses and nannys what to do.

November 7

We got us about ten cases of the nasty on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Finally, my years of studying sports and lesbians has paid off

Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom. The best part? I could read this story without having to give anyone my credit card number.

Statistically speaking
President Bush’s approval rating is down to 35%. It’s official, less people approve of President Bush than have slept with Paris Hilton.

Exactly what we needed when we needed it
Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Suddenly that Christmas CD by Donald Trump and Regis Philbin doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Supposedly it’s a fusion of country and rap. Or as I call that: Crap.

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a rap CD. Yeah, Kevin’s rapper name is P. Diddley Squat.

Kevin Felderline’s rapper name? Snoop Lazy Dog.

Britney’s husband, Kevin Federline, is coming out with a CD. It’s actually inspired by a Led Zeppelin song “Whole Lotta Love” Yeah, it’s called “Whole Lotta Crap.”

“I can’t wait to rush out and buy Kevin Federline’s rap CD” replied not one single human on the planet.

Stuck on a feeling
A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. That also explains the other poor slob who has been stuck standing at their urinal for two days.

A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. Turns out he did spend 50 minutes on the toilet but it wasn’t because of crazy glue, it was because he ate at Taco Bell.

A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. When he finally stood up he was so mad he wanted to get even and tear Home Depot a new one too.

Assshhlee Shhhimpson
In Toronto, a video camera caught a really drunk obnoxious and staggering Ashlee Simpson at McDonalds at one in the morning; she was so drunk, instead of lip-synching, Ashlee was lip-slurring.

You know how they know Ashlee was really drunk? She was ordering food at McDonalds at one in the morning.

Going to pot
A man in Boulder Colorado is suing Home Depot because he claims he spent 50 minutes stuck to their toilet because someone crazy-glued the toilet seat. Why is this idiot suing? He should be happy that he found out the sticky stuff he sat in on the toilet seat was just super glue.

T.O.’s B.O.
The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended loud-mouth receiver Terrell Owens for comments detrimental to the team. In fact, there hasn’t been anyone whose mouth has started as much trouble since, well, Monica Lewinski.

One of the many stupid things T.O. said is that he was mad that the Eagles organization didn’t celebrate his 100th touchdown. Can you blame them? If there is one thing T.O. doesn’t need help doing, it’s celebrating a touchdown. Helping Terrell Owens celebrate a touchdown is like dressing up Paris Hilton as a whore for Halloween.

For some reason I keep coming back to this
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa after patrons complained the two women cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the bathroom. Here’s my question: who is the moron that complained?

The good news? The Cheerleaders were just hired by the Minnesota Vikings and invited on a boat cruise.


It doesn’t?
A survey in “Self” magazine reports that 40% of women fantasize when doing the laundry. And that’s not including the women who sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle.


Gone with the wind (Get it? Tara? Gone with the Wind? Oh brother)
Tara Reid turns thirty tomorrow and she looks absolutely great for her age. Not for thirty, but for 57. That’s Tara’s age in movie-star, party-girl years.


We’d like to say happy 30th birthday to Hollywood party girl extraordinaire Tara Reid; We’d like to, but unfortunately right now Tara has passed out on a Hollywood bar’s filthy bathroom floor.




Heh, heh, heh, uh, no I don’t
“E-Online” claims that Kobe Bryant’s wife, Venessa, is pregnant. Yep, it looks like Venessa has been delivering a little room service, if you know what I mean . . .


Why is this so damn compelling?
Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders were arrested in a bar in Tampa when patrons complained the two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the locked bathroom. There’s no joke here, I just love saying two female cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the bathroom.

Something tells me I’ve seen a movie like that somewhere . . .

In a related story, countless thousands of men sustained minor injuries when they heard this story and fell out of their chairs.

November 6

Since you asked;

Being the cutting edge, open-minded finely-tuned athlete that I am – cough – I am always keeping my eye open for new and good exercises. I was an early fan of the Plyometrics, using those big bouncy balls and the weighted balls and such. It stresses using your own weight for resistance, bounding, balance work, etc, imitating what the body does in a real athletic sports activity.

So I was really happy to see that “Sports Illustrated” ran an article detailing New York Jets coach Herman Edwards fitness regime. Edwards was once a great defensive back in the NFL and now he is amazingly fit and trim. His body fat is 6% and he is a buffed 51-year-old.

The article said Edwards was famous for running on the treadmill at 5-miles-an hour for thirty minutes. Big deal, right? Wrong. He does 5-miles-an hour for thirty minutes backwards. OK, I so I wasn’t a great NFL defensive back, but I work out, I bike, I run, I hit they Cybex machine at the gym, so, after a real good and borderline anaerobic 20 minutes (heart rate at a steady 150) I decided to try it. Set the treadmill for 4 miles-an-hour figuring once I got used to it, I could move it up to five. Almost killed my damn self. 4 miles-an-hour running backwards is flying, forget about 5.

Ended up dialing it down to 2 ½ mph and I was hustling to not fall off. How long did I last? Five minutes. That was on Friday and today, Sunday, my hamstrings, calves and gluts are so sore I am walking like Dick Cheney after one of his weekly heart procedures.

Try running backwards on the treadmill, Slats and Nuggies, you will not only look like an idiot, you’ll be in pain in places you didn’t know you had.