Saturday, February 25, 2017

Atlanta Falcon, Mohamad Sanu, said Lady Gaga’s long halftime show hurt their second half Super Bowl performance. Apparently they did a shot of tequila every time she was Gaga-licious. 

Historians claim a doctor reported Adolf Hitler had a tiny, malformed penis. Hitler’s penis was so small, Trump would be tempted to grab it. 

The Spirit Awards for Independent films is today. Do not confuse this with the Spirit Airlines Awards. They reward excellence in customer torture, ridicule and abuse. 

*It is the second anniversary of when a blind Minnesota man saw his wife for the first time in ten years thanks to an eye implant. And the first anniversary of her forgiving him for looking at the nurse’s butt.

74-year-old actor, Harrison Ford, came too close to an American Airlines jet in his single-engine plane. The investigation revealed Ford was in a hurry to get to Applebee’s Early Bird Special.

Sadly, in LA, a magician was found dead in the closet of the Magic Castle. Investigators say it was either a heart attack or the worst disappearing act ever.

**Muhammad Ali Jr. is suing a Florida airport for detaining him for two hours. So Ali is suing because he got through TSA about ten minutes later than everyone else?

Since you asked:

*If people laugh at this joke at all, it is a slight reimbursement for a lifetime of not being able to enjoy touching moments without making a smart-ass wise-crack. 

**A few years ago, before almost everyone in this country became infected with severe entitlement, Jay Leno told a joke about a man from Afghanistan suing TSA for profiling. Leno's punchline was:

"Look, if you're name is Mohammad and your last name is not Ali? Get to the airport early." 

Well, his name was Muhammad Ali, so the person questioning/detaining him was obviously an idiot. 

My point? Lighten up, Junior. Think about all that your dad went through and how classy he was. Be the apple near the tree. 

Saw the Hank Williams biopic, "I Saw The Light." 

How did this damn good flick slip under my radar? And I loves me some music biopics, I surely do. 

No, you don't have to be a big country music fan to like this. Although Hank was country, i.e. corny and twangy, his music was also just damn good. It has been covered by Eric Clapton, Ray Charles, Bob Dylan, The Stones, Tom Petty, George Thorogood, Elvis, Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, it goes on and on. 

And Tom Hiddleston acts and sings the living crap out of this role. Not too much, not too little. He becomes Hank in my mind. 

Let's get to the good stuff. 

As my obsession with rock biographies and biopics has revealed, yes, in case you were wondering, singing and or playing your hit song in front of thousands of adoring fans is everything you think it might be plus one hundred times more. They all agree.

(I've played in front of a few hundred and that is indescribably great) 

Unlike sex, performing music before more people makes it better. 

And having money and time to booze it and binge it up with adoring groupies right afterwards is probably pretty sensational as well. (Although some, like Keith Richards, are not big fans of the groupies) 

But after that the music star bidness is all pretty much not great news. Cheating agents, business managers, record producers and promoters. Hard to be a husband and a father. And then there is the mind-altering boredom of traveling and recording. 

To have the insane motivation to make it in any business that millions of people will do for free, you have to be performing for someone who isn't listening. In Clapton's case, no dad and a mother who rejected him twice. 

One of the record executives in Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "Running Down A Dream" said, the untold story of rock is a mother who left too soon and a father who hated you. And in Bono's case, he was lucky enough to have both. 

Like everybody who has made it big in music, Hank Williams was seriously damaged goods going into it. About the only ones I know of who were not were Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Jimmy Buffett. 

(Until his biography, "Born To Run," I used to think Bruce Springsteen was included in that lucky group, but he was most certainly not)

And Hank Williams had horrible health problems, two he was born with, spina bifida and heart problems, and others he self-inflicted: hard core alcoholic and drug addict.

But the Hank Williams story is amazing and genuinely all American. 

But the fact is, no matter how big these great talents make it, there are scant few anyone in their right mind would want to trade places.

And whatever you do, do not watch the movie "The Shallows."

Big fan of the Blake Lively. Big fan of surfing. Big fan of coastal Mexico. Loved "Blue Crush." Loved "Jaws." 

It turns out none of these go well together. It sucks. 

The only true accomplishment of this movie is how they were able to take the attractiveness of the gorgeous Blake Lively out of the movie in the first ten minutes. 

There are some impressive shark special effects. But when you consider "Jaws" was made in the special effects stone age, even that is pretty sad. 

Friday, February 24, 2017

White House names new republican mascot, Grabby

#1 ranked Gonzaga destroyed USD, 96-38. Upon hearing of the Gonzaga annihilation, Betsy DeVos said, "Hasn't that monster done enough damage to Tokyo?"

The judge has ruled Bill Cosby will only have to face two sexual assault accusers instead of a possible 14. Or as Cosby calls it: a two-on-one or menages a trois. 

“The New York Times” and “CNN” were barred from a press conference in the White House after reporting negative stories about Donald Trump. Rumor has it they will only be allowed back in if the promise to report Trump has huge hands.

Why do I get the feeling Donald Trump was that kid in high school who threw parties just so he could not invite certain people? 

You know that old a-hole customer at McDonalds yelling at the kid behind the counter because he feels he was shorted in french fries? 

We elected him president.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

San Marcos Pass, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump overruled education sec. Betsy DeVos, on transrights. But I am pretty sure Betsy DeVos thinks transrights is a car made by Pontiac. 

Historians claim Adolf Hitler suffered from a tiny, malformed penis. And, unlike Donald Trump, Hitler had big-ass hands. 

In Ohio, former Cincinnati Bengals linebacker, 26-year-old, JK Schaffer, was arrested after he beat up his 61-year-old neighbor and exposed himself in a church parking lot. Or as the Bengals call this: pretty normal behavior.

The US Drought Monitor declares most of California drought-free. In fact, the only CA areas not declared drought-free could not be contacted because they’re underwater.  

An engineer in Honk Kong has spent a year and a half and $50,000 to build a female robot that is supposed to look like Scarlet Johansson. Unfortunately, it looks like Scarlet Fever. 

Donald Trump picked leading EPA opponent, Scott Pruitt, to head the EPA.  That’s like picking Liza Minnelli as Sec. Who Can Spot Gay Men.

An engineer in Honk Kong has spent a year and a half and $50,000 to build a female robot that looks like Scarlet Johansson. You think that’s pathetic? When he asked the robot out, she said, “Call my agent.” And she did not leave a number. 

Tampa Bay QB, Jameis Winston, is getting criticism for telling the girls in a Florida elementary class to be “silent, polite and gentle.” How dare a pro athlete spend his free time trying to motivate children like that? He should be ashamed. 

55-year-old Dan Marino signed a one-day contract with the Miami Dolphins, 17 years after his last pass, so he could officially retire as a Dolphin. In a less emotional ceremony, Johnny Manziel signed a one week contract as a Pizza Hut delivery driver.  

In Ohio, an attractive, blonde 26-year-old nursing home worker, Brittany Fultz, was arrested after a video showed her giving a lap dance to a 100-year-old man. She was charged with three counts of elder non-abuse. 

Although is it really a crime when the “victim” gave her a $20 tip?

Historians claim Adolf Hitler suffered from a tiny, malformed penis. Actually it was his mistress, Eva Braun, who suffered from Hitler’s tiny, malformed penis. 

(Homage to Robert Schimmel)

Since you asked:

Look. Jameis Winston is no saint and I am not a fan. To say his past is checkered is to say a chessboard has a couple of squares. Getting so stoned he had to eat crab legs at three AM and then forgetting to pay for it is the least of his crimes.

(The awful autocorrect on Apple refuses to let me write Jameis. It insists on James) 

But when a professional athlete gets thrown under the bus for talking to an elementary class, we have surpassed some tipping point in annoying sensitivity.

Yes, he said girls should be “silent, polite and gentle.” Agreed. Not politically correct. 

But he was doing it in an ironic/contrasting way to show how boys are pressured to be macho, loud and boisterous. 

A boy was being disruptive in the audience. Rather than single him out, Jam . . . Winston made a statement about all boys. His point was boys should try not to be loud and rude. So by association, Jameis, not James, was saying the girls should not be predictable too. I.e., should not be silent. 

To quote the movie “Stripes,” which, to also paraphrase Bill Murray on “Caddy Shack,” is arguably the greatest movie of all time provided it is a drunken argument, 

“Lighten up, Francis.” 

Is it just me or does Kellyanne Conway look like the passive aggressive aging high school cheerleader coach who loves to flash her icy smile while happily destroying a young girl’s cheerleader dream? 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Chew dah mang and dah mangulum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Gay right wing firebrand, Milo Yiannopoulos, resigned from “Breitbart” after he supported pedophilia. And he is removed from contention as a spokesperson for “Subway.”

In Ohio, an attractive 26-year-old blonde nursing home worker, Brittany Fultz, was arrested after a video showed her giving a lap dance to a 100-year-old man. She was charged with three counts of being totally awesome.

No doubt this was a horrible crime. On the bright side, the victim did break Larry King's record for longest 100-year-old man's erection. 

Scientists have discovered seven earth-sized planets orbiting a nearby star. This is such a new discovery, Donald Trump has not had time to place their immigrants on the travel ban. 

A London study says owning cats does not make you crazy. My Aunt Gertie and her cats dressed as the cast of “Cats” to the contrary.

Las Vegas has the Chicago Cubs as 7-2 odds to repeat as World Series Champions. Last year, you could have gotten 1,000-1 odds on ever hearing the words: Chicago Cubs repeat as World Series Champions. 

A study says South Korea will take the lead in life expectancy by 2030. The same cannot be said for their dogs. 

Since you asked:

Trump media counselor, Kellyanne Conway, has been conspicuously absent from the news. It almost makes me feel sorry for her. 


One can almost picture Kellyanne in her White House basement Siberia-adjacent cubby hole, like Milton in “Office Space.” She is flirting into her iPhone video using her hair brush as a microphone:

“Did I say alternative facts, you handsome devil, Chuck Todd? What I meant was avant-guard conclusions. Or better yet, creative hypothesis. Yeah, that’s it.” (Hair flip, giggle) 

What is it like working at "Brietbart News" when the only person to have to leave, Milo Yanaplusizedpopulary, Milo Yannbipolar, Milo the Y, was endorsing pedophilia? 

"Uh, yeah, Gary. Come on in. And please, don't sit in one of my chairs. Uh, we just heard from HR and everyone pretty much agrees, Gar-bear, we at "Brietbart" would like you to start wearing pants to work. Nothing fancy. Just cover up the boys and Wilbur. Umm K? Good talk. Buh bye."

Have this on a t-shirt. You would not believe the number of times youngerish people have asked me,

"Was he the one who said that?"

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

You're killin' me, Smalls, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Police have put the value of Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey at $500,000. Obviously that price seems inflated. 

And the value of Johnny Manziel’s Chipotle apron is a $20 deposit.

Kellyane Conway has been conspicuously absent in the press. Conway claims she is just receiving alternative publicity.

Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said he might retire from late night television. And here is an even bigger shock: Carson Daly has not retired form late night television. 

Gay right wing firebrand, Milo Yiannopoulos, resigned from “Breitbart” after he supported 13-year-old pedophilia. You know we’ve reached a divisive time in politics when the only thing both sides agree on is being against pedophilia. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means they reach out to the disenfranchised: their groundskeepers. 

The Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are liberal. It’s true. There is Scott Baio, for example. And then, of course, there is Scott Baio. 

The Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. It’s true. Caitlyn Jenner is so conservative, she considers water-boarding Aqua Yoga therapy.

In Austria, for the first time, an American, Lowell Bailey, won a gold medal in the World Championships of the 20K biathlon. Don’t confuse the biathlon with men’s figure skating. The biathlon is cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle. Men’s figure skating is skating and firing off shots of juicy gossip.

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means they once sat down and talked to their maids, butler and chef.

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means once a week they drive their Prius to the studio instead of taking a limo. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. Some of them have even watched one segment on “Fox News” before they threw up. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. In Hollywood, very liberal means they are Bernie Sanders fans and staunchly against the wealthiest top one percent. When they’re not busy being the wealthiest one percent. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means, in respect to the poor, they snort cocaine with a one dollar bill instead of a thousand dollar bill. 

The Oscars host, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. Pretty liberal? In Hollywood, Bruce Jenner said it was easier to become a woman than it was for Caitlyn Jenner to say she’s a republican. 

Did you have a good President's day? Mine was just OK. Once again, I got a present for the president, but the president did not get me anything. 

Since you asked:

Going to do the math based on the somewhat shocking election and guess that the ratings for the Oscars might not be the highest this year.

“What are you talking about?” Asked middle America. “We can’t wait to hear how a rich celebrity clutching a $232,000 gift bag wants us to live our lives.” 

Sorry. My mistake. Like with everything else this political era, I am wrong. 

Once again, for fear of losing cherished left-wing comedy-related readers, I feel compelled to state I am neither a republican nor a democrat. (Not that there is anything wrong with either) These are just jokes. I used to be a democrat who campaigned with my mom for liberal candidates in Illinois, like real deal, Abner Mikva.

But now I am undeclared. Most republicans are awesome. So are most democrats. Like with most things, 90% are fantastic, but the 10% that are bad are so vile they ruin it for the rest. 

When I played football as a running back in high school, it came  easy to me to take out my aggression on the defense. It was clear they wanted to stop me and possibly hurt me, so I had no problem knocking the snot out of them. But then I also enjoyed giving them a hand up and cracking a joke. 

The combination confused the utter crap out of them.

One summer in college, I was a day camp counsellor at my old elementary school, Crow Island. And I had to learn how not to be a bull in a China shop. These were sweet and lovable little six-to-nine year olds.  And it turns out, with a little work on both sides, we were absolutely crazy about each other. Go figure.

In my mind, to declare yourself a liberal is to say you think you should always act the way you do with gentle, sweet children. (Which would be wonderful) 

To declare yourself a conservative is to say you should always act the way you do when an angry 220 pound linebacker is trying to take your head off. (Which would be cool, but probably result in jail time)  

No, I am proud to have both varying abilities of being kind and tough and I want to exercise them in all things including politics. 

It is upsetting and depressing to see people living down to their lowest cultural denominator fanning bad stereotypes. This gives haters and racists an excuse to be haters and racists. 

As an older caucasian male, it is deeply upsetting to me to some some fat, angry, drunk douche-bag shooting off a gun and screaming racial epithets. The word is shame. 

That is exactly what Milo Yiannopoulos is doing to gay men. Under the phony self-marketing guise and protection of claiming to be conservative, Milo is simply throwing flaming gay men under the scorchingly bitchy, and nasty surly queen bus for self-promotion.  

Gay men should tell that flaming publicity-whore hypocrite and pedophile supporter, Milo Yiannopoulos, to go raunch* himself. But even that unrepentantly grasping hot-mess should be given a chance to speak no matter how shamelessly self-promoting he is. 

* Raunch is a verb invented by midwestern kids in the mid to late '60's that means to get hit and hurt in the crotch/reproductive/waste-removal area. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

If I have told you once, I have told you a billion times, do not exagerate, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Flamboyantly gay conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, lost a book deal after he condoned 13-year-old pedophilia and priests having sex with boys. Yiannopoulos is a Greek word that means Gay Billy Bush.

TMZ shows a video of openly gay ex-boxer, Yusaf Mack, beating up a guy in a barbershop who was harassing Mack online about his sexuality. Mack tried to knock the guy senseless, but anyone who taunts an ex-pro boxer doesn’t have any sense to knock out. 

Flamboyantly gay conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, lost a book deal after he condoned 13-year-old pedophilia and priests having sex with boys. Yiannopoulos is a Greek word that means Shameless Publicity Slut.

A study claims a four-second pause can cause an awkward conversation. Especially if that four- second pause comes after the phrase, “I’m pregnant.”

Since You Up and Damn Asked;

Lex's Five Life Coaching Tips

Historically, great athletes have made terrible coaches. Kareem Abdul Jabbar used to tell players, 

"Look, it's easy. Just pivot in front of the basket, jump and throw a hook shot down into the hoop."

Oh, that's great, but there is one problem, Kareem. You are the only person on the planet who can do that. 

So based on the theory that players who had to work their ass off at the game, because sometimes the game kicked their ass, they become better coaches, I am now going to become your life coach with my five tips.

One, start with coffee. A moderate amount of coffee is the only way to get going. Careful. Too much and you turn into Martin Scorsese, or worse, Tom Arnold. 

Two, use your brain as much as you can. If you have a job where you use the creative side of your brain, good for you. 

If your job is more physically-oriented, good for you, but listen to the radio if they let you, take time during lunch or breaks to play checkers, or Words With Friends, Connect Four or write in a journal. Or start a blog. Read. Write. Your brain is a muscle and there is no better feeling than when, at the end of the day, that muscle is tired.

Three. Now it is time to exercise. Walk your dog. Walk yourself. Jump rope. Do burpies. Ride a stationary bike. Treadmill. Get an exercise DVD. Planks. Vacuum. Walk up and down the stairs. Jumping Jacks. Any damn thing.

Four, meditate before dinner for 20 minutes. (Now before you think I am asking you to go join a convent/monastery or al Qaeda, you can learn how to meditate online. There is no chanting, no incense, no lotus position. Better yet, buy "Meditation For Dummies." )

For twenty minutes, repeat a soothing sound in your head called a mantra. It cannot mean anything or be stressful in any way. When you lose track of the mantra, and you begin worrying, just slowly get back to it. Meditation works. 

I took Transcendental Meditation in high school for track to increase my reaction time. But meditation is even more important as you get older. There is a lot of useless crap bouncing around up there. You need to clean it out. Meditation is a garage sale for the brain.

Five. As a reward for doing the first four, have a glass of wine or a beer. Preferably as you are grilling meat. Or two glasses. No more than three, but that is it. Otherwise you will feel like crap in the morning. And don't drive. And you don't get five unless you did all four before.

Five tips. 

Now be careful out there. 

And please, please, please try and remember Jimmy Valvano's amazingly great advice when he was dying. Every day try to think, laugh and cry. If you can do all three, that is a good day. 

Oh, and one more. If you're having a hard time falling asleep? Just tell yourself you're going to get up in five minutes and do some reading or writing for a while. Then lie in bed and think about what you're going to read or write. 

The key to falling asleep is trying to stay awake.