Yo, dawg, check it out, dude, you kept it real, and besides some pitchy moments, that was money, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After a 25-point loss to the Toronto Raptors, Heat Coach Pat Riley told the Miami Herald, "I should write a check to each season-ticket holder and send them back their money." Do you realize what this precedent means? Congratulations, New York Knick season ticket holders, you are now part-owners of the team.


Pro Golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with intentionally killing a hawk which carries a max. 14-month jail sentence. He’ll serve his time under house-arrest at Dave Winfield’s joint.


The Iditarod started Saturday. Now they test the dogs for steroids. None of the dogs has tested positive, but one dog, Pacwolf Jones, was charged with assault after starting a fight in a strip club. He threw some Snausages in the air to make it rain and all hell broke lose.


A key aide for Barack Obama was quoted as calling Hillary Clinton a monster. When asked to comment, Hillary declined and then bit the head off of a native.

This just in:

Paris Hilton is launching a new line of shoes and no detail has been left out from the instructions in the shoe on how to put them on down to the rounded heel for easier bed back-flopping to their glow-in-the-dark toe for easier-under-the-bed retrieving.

That how we do, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Murder Most Fowl (Apologies John Updike's Rabbit)
Pro Golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with intentionally killing a hawk which could carry a maximum 14-month jail sentence. Can you imagine if he goes to jail for killing a hawk with a golf ball? Let’s just say the other prisoners would be shooting more than par for that hole.


In Palm Florida, Bart Bryant held a one-shot lead in the rain-disrupted first round of the 5.3 million-dollar USPGA Tour event Thursday. But let’s be honest, any tournament without the smoking hot Tiger Woods is like going to a Wings concert without Paul McCartney.

But let’s be honest, any tournament without the smoking hot Tiger Woods is like going to watch “Caddy Shack” but getting “Caddy Shack 2” by mistake.


The Iditarod started Saturday. Now they test the dogs for steroids. None of the dogs has tested positive, but one dog was charged with assault after starting a fight in a strip club. His name was Pacwolf Jones.


Paris Hilton is launching a new line of shoes. The brand is called STIF. Not because they are too rigid, they are called STIF because on the inside they feature the instructions: Stick Toes In First.


“American Idol” is down to the final 12. Is it just me or does dreadlocked contestant Jason Castro look like the unholy spawn of Bob Marley and John Travolta?


A key aide for Barack Obama was quoted as calling Hillary Clinton a monster. Hillary was so upset upon hearing this she broke through her chains and stormed the village.

Keeping the deal real to the feel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Odd coincidence
The Iditarod started Saturday. Now they test the dogs for performance enhancing drugs. In fact, when Congress asked a sled dog named Clemens if he used drugs, he lied and said no then he ratted-out his trainer, friend and wife and then humped the leg of the committee chairman.


Ewwww
Despite winning Ohio and Texas, Hillary Clinton only picked up 12 delegates on Barack Obama. Experts say for Hillary to win it would have to be the greatest come-from-behind Clinton performance since Bill stained the back of Monica’s blue dress.


Ah, the good ol’ days
Green Bay Packer star Brett Favre held a tearful retirement press conference. How tearful? It made me sentimental for the stoic composure of Paris Hilton’s police escort to jail.


He isn’t too creepy
Idaho toilet cruiser Sen. Larry Craig is accepting applications for summer interns. First priority will be given to applications filled out on sheets of men’s room toilet paper.

We smack dab in the dab-smack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Right guy for the job
John McCain claims he is the best candidate to respond to a crisis. He may be right, when that red phone rings at the White House at three AM, McCain can answer it because he is up taking a pee.


A sure sign
The Iditarod got underway on Saturday. Did you know the dogs are drug tested for performance enhancing drugs? I think some of those dogs are on steroids, they have two tails.

You can tell when a dog is on steroids, when he licks his shrunken testicles, his tongue shrinks as well.


Sorta like that
John McCain arrived at the White House to receive an endorsement from President Bush. That’s nice but isn’t that like getting fashion tips from Michael Moore?


I bet he is
Idaho toilet cruiser Sen. Larry Craig is accepting applications for summer interns. Applicants must be well-versed in Word, Excel and the Bravo channel.


Will it be called a Framany or a Germench?
At a technology fair in Germany, French President Nicolas Sarkozy suggested that France and Germany get together to make a super computer. It would combine elements of Dell and Apple to store data. It would be called a Dell-Apple-Data’d. (Dilapidated )

At a technology fair in Germany, French President Nicolas Sarkozy suggest that France and Germany get together to make a super computer. Is a French and German computer really a good idea? It would just surrender to its own virus attacks.

These just in:


Now that it is down to the last minute before the Texas and Ohio primaries, you have to give Hillary Clinton credit, she is grinding, she is pushing, she is pumping, she is working it, she is . . .no, wait, I’m sorry, that was Bill Clinton last night with a flight attendant.


The FBI confirms a story that the biker gang the Hell’s Angels tried to assassinate Mick Jagger. Hey, I didn’t like Mick’s 80’s disco phase either but that doesn’t mean they should kill him.

John McCain says he is the best candidate to handle a crisis situation. And he may be right, look at how well he handled the Spanish-American War.


The Candidates have to give a final shove, a strong push and grunt it out until the end. Just like John McCain when he goes to pee.


Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony named their twins, Max and Emme. Max and Emme are surprisingly normal names for celebrities like J. Lo and Marc, I was expecting more like Iron Daffodil and Space Suit.


Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre is retiring after 17 years. That is too bad. One more year and we could all finally learn how to pronounce Favre.


Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre is retiring after 17 years. The first time John Madden tried to pronounce Favre they mistakenly thought he was choking on a hot dog: Fahhvreh, Farrrverrah, Ferraayvraher.

Is it just me or when John Madden says Favre does he sound just like the late, great Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey when Harry was clearing his throat?

Won again. (Teeth suck, sniff, sigh and groan of confidence)

http://www.sfgate.com/matierandross/

We workin’ it ‘till it drops, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Interesting fact
Best actress winner, France’s Marion Cotillard, said she believes that the September 11th attacks were staged by the US government. Incidentally, Cotillard is a French word that means Rosie O’Donnell.

Who knew?
In Russia, Dmitri Medvedev was easily elected president. A distant second place? Hillary Clintonev.


New award
The Iditarod Dog race began this week in Alaska. This year’s race will have a new consolation dog prize, The Hillary: that goes to the bitch that starts out fast but fades at the end.

How did this happen?
Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; in an equally deserving and plausible honor, Dick Cheney has been named Mr. Congeniality.

Madonna is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; in an equally deserving and plausible honor: Homer Simpson has been named Father of the Year.

Madonna in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? That’s like chefs at the Cordon Bleu making Hot Pockets.

A sure sign
“American Idol” contestant David Hernandez worked at a gay strip club including performing all-nude lap dances to the male customers. That explains why Ryan Seacrest keeps calling Hernandez the feel good contestant of the season.

Here are some of 74-year-old Ralph Nader’s campaign promises:

If elected I promise to keep all punks off the White House lawn.

If elected I promise to, uh, why did I come in here again?

If elected I promise to find out who put the oogie in the boogie oogie eww.

If elected I promise to start every sentence with “Why back in my day . . .”

Gift with purchase
Amy Winehouse is launching a line of beauty products. If you get the whole set it comes with a free scrunchie to hold back your hair when you are vomiting into the toilet.

Amy Winehouse is launching a line of beauty products. And let me guess what she uses to powder her nose.

Amy Winehouse is launching a line of beauty products. It will be available in stores next to the Dr. Phil Hair Care Products and the Kirstie Alley Weight Loss System.

Amy Winehouse is launching a line of beauty products, ladies, now you too can learn the secret of how to make your hair look like a gopher with a pituitary problem.

That ol' Huckster
Mike Huckabee is still on the campaign trail but he admits he is a long shot to be president. A long shot? Dick Cheney has a better chance of hitting a lawyer’s face at 200 yards.

Slice it, dice it and thrice it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That will do it
Fox is debuting “New Amsterdam” about a New York detective who is immortal. Immortal, really? Put that show over on NBC prime time, that will kill him.

Had to be them
In Philadelphia, twin gay porn actors were arrested for a string of 30 robberies. Police became suspicious the robberies were done by twin gay guys because they stole two of everything from Pier One, Ikea and the Pottery Barn.

In Philadelphia, twin gay born actors were arrested for a string of 30 robberies. The twin gay male porn actors brought a creepy meaning to the Philadelphia motto: The city of brotherly love.

Viva la difference
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced a renegotiation of all French military accords with African nations. For example, now instead of giving Africa no military support, the French will give Africa non military support.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced a renegotiation of all French military accords with African nations. Wait, do mean to tell me the French are backing down from supplying military support? Why, who has ever heard of such a thing?

Of course the French aren’t going to give military support to Africa, they can’t provide military support to themselves.


That explains it
Hillary Clinton’s campaign leaked a picture of Barack Obama in Kenya in Somalian garb including a turban; Barack was just preparing for the dress code at the Mombassa "Thank Allah It's Friday" No toga, no turban, no service

While at the Kenyan “Thank Allah It’s Friday” Barack enjoyed the fried Jihad goat sticks.


That sounds about right
Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced he is accepting applications for summer interns. (I bet he is) When asked what his position is on training clerks, Craig replied he has a wide stance on that position.

Good luck
To clear the pollution from the air with rain for the Olympics, the Chinese claim they will try and control the weather. Control the weather? They can’t control the lead from going into their toys.

That, also, sounds about right
Air New Zealand is offering an all gay themed flight from San Francisco to Australia. Their motto is “Fly the Fiercely Friendly Skies.”

The all-gay-flight features the world’s only straight male flight attendant and there is a prize for the passenger who converts him before they land.

This flight offers an entirely new meaning to the term cockpit.


Since you asked:

Saw “Gettysburg” with Martin Sheen and Tom Berenger and it was better than I thought. First of all, the mustaches and beards are hysterical. Oh my word, what they put on the guy who played Jeb Stewart was more mammal than facial hair. That had to be a practical joke played on that poor actor by hair and makeup.

Secondly, it really struck me how history has a way of making itself. Take the Super Bowl, not that I am comparing war with football, but, sports gives us the ability of knowing what time a big event is happening and where, unlike real history like big battles.

But until the Giants staged that comeback, the Super Bowl did not have the smell or feel or something historic or memorable. And then, all of a sudden, it was a classic. A magic moment.

Well Gettysburg for the people who were there was going to just be another battle. Sure they knew it was going to be big and tough but, for the soldiers, just another day at the office. For us, the word Gettysburg is iconic, but the people there it was a small spot on a map.

If the battle had taken place in Beaver Falls it would have been the punch line to dirty jokes.

And although Hollywood always plays up the moment of gallant hand to hand, horse to horse, saber to saber fighting, Historians say that, relatively speaking, there is scant chance for that. It is mostly hunkering down and hope a canon shot or a musket bullet doesn’t find you and then going back to your tents at the end of the day if you are still alive.

The other fact I picked up on is that General Robert E. Lee was a great, great man, but not a very good general. That was sort of a surprise to me.

The biggest cause of casualties in the Civil War were due to infections, and starvation and diseases. Not very gallant.

My daughter, Ann Caroline, saw the beginning non-fighting part of the movie and she asked me;

“Daddy, why are there wars?”

The answer I gave was very perfunctory about how when two sides, usually countries, can’t reach an agreement – usually over land – war is their last threat. And if neither side is smart enough nor sensible enough to come to an agreement, they fight each other.

“How do you know who wins?” She asked.

“One side has to surrender. It’s not like soccer where you keep score.”

What I was thinking is that war is what is declared by old, egotistical a-holes who don’t have to risk their lives in battle.

It was true at Gettysburg, it is true now.