We gotta get our ho

We gotta get our ho ho ho on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Attention FEMA: only 132 shopping days until Christmas.


Playa love gloves
Rapper “Fiddy” Cent wants to launch his own line of condoms. Rappers are notorious for trying to be big tough guys. “Fiddy” Cent demanded that his condoms be made ten inches long and then marked medium.


She’s covered
“The Dukes of Hazard” is out on DVD. It is rumored that Jessica Simpson used a butt double for the movie: a substitute model for the shots of her butt. That’s not unusual in Hollywood, a lot of actresses use a butt double. Except for Jennifer Lopez, she is her own butt double.


Yikes
A South Dakota teenager was arrested for having sex with a department store mannequin. The most embarrassing part? He picked the ugliest mannequin in the store: the Camilla Parker Bowles mannequin.


A South Dakota teenager was arrested for having sex with a department store mannequin. That’s sick. Why can’t he have sex like normal people in North Dakota? With sheep.


Upsetting
A medical study reveals that Americans are getting too fat to receive medicine injected into their butts because the medication can’t circulate past the fat. This information made me so sick I couldn’t even finish my deep fried Twinkie.

Him
San Diego Rep congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham resigned after pleading guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes; or as Tom Delay calls Cunningham: that lousy quitter.


I’ve said this before
San Diego congressman “Duke” Cunningham pleaded guilty to accepting bribes including a yacht he named The Duke-ster. In my opinion all guys who add a “the” and “Ster” to a nickname should go to prison: “Yo, it’s the Jay-ster here. How’s it goin’ with the Kev-Ster?”


Kobe “I’m an idol” Bryant?
During his trial, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time in court writing a poem. Saddam had to stop when he couldn’t rhyme anything with homicidal tyrant.


During his trial, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time in court writing a poem. We have a shot of the poem: “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m nuts and the voices in my head are too.”


Rough days
So far I am having a rough time. That parrot named Terrell Owens I got in exchange for my bribe to “Duke” Cunningham? It has the bird flu.


You’re OK
According to a small study of moviegoers shown both funny and non-funny films, laughter increased blood flow 22% while stress decreased blood flow by 35%. Do you realize what this means? If you cut yourself while reading this blog, you won’t bleed to death.


What’s up, Doc?
Fresh off a one year suspension for hitting a fan, Indiana Pacer Ron Artest arrived on court with Tru Warier shaved into his hair. To quote Bugs Bunny, what an imbecile (pronounced: Em bye sell) what a moron (Pronounced: Maroon)


Who are they kidding?
Showtime’s “Sleeper Cell” is a series about an Islamic terrorist cell in the U.S. that consists of a blonde-haired American, an African American, a Frenchman, and a school teacher. Gosh, how realistic. Why not include a construction worker and a cop and call it “The Village People’s Jihad?”


Top Ten Signs your child may secretly be an Islamic Fundamentalist.


10, Insists the Christmas tree faces Mecca.


9, When you kiss him goodnight he says; “Goodnight and die, wretched infidel.”


8, When he grows up he wants to be a New York City cab driver.


7, You come home to find he’s traded the family Labrador for a camel.


6, Bumper sticker on your car reads; “My child is a sleeper cell honor student.”


5, Asks you to help him tie his shoe bomb


4, Yells at his mother for throwing out his al Qaeda trading cards


3, Insists on wearing his “Free Saddam” t-shirt for his class picture



2, For his birthday he asks to go to dinner at Thank Allah It’s Friday’s


And the number one sign your child may secretly be an Islamic Fundamentalist:


The only thing he wants for Christmas? A Jihad Joe doll.

We keepin it real in

We keepin’ it real in the deal, so how it feel, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Marketing nightmare
Rapper 50 Cent announced he wants to launch his line of condoms. Is that a good idea? How many times has 50 Cent been shot? Nine? Do you really want a condom named after a guy with nine holes in him?


City literate least the
A USA Today survey ranked Seattle, Washington as the most literate city in the U.S. What is the least literate city in the US? The town of Dyslexia, Virginia West.


Hate to hear that
Rumor has it there was a reason Nick and Jessica broke up: Jessica caught Nick cheating on her with another imbecile.


Winter solstice
The days sure are getting shorter. Now by five o’clock it’s dimmer than the debate team of Jessica Simpson and President Bush.


Creative
A British study reveals that creative people have a lot more sex than non-creative people. That’s because they’re so creative at telling their spouses where they’ve been all night.


Scapegoat
An employee at Wendy’s named Ronald McDonald was arrested for stealing from the Wendy’s safe; Ronald McDonald claims the whole thing was masterminded by the Hamburgler.


Oops
Nobody was hurt, but a chunk of concrete fell from the Supreme Court building. It’s getting scary in Washington. This is right after a huge chunk fell off of Ted Kennedy’s forehead.


Shore it up
Nobody was hurt, but a chunk of concrete fell from the Supreme Court building. The infrastructure of Washington is getting old. The other day they had to give the Washington Monument one hundred cases of Viagra.



Hooking it up
The White House Christmas tree arrived yesterday; it’s very exciting, they’ll light the White House tree right after Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter gets finished doing the wiring.


Boing
A medical study reveals that Americans are getting too fat to receive medicine injected into their butts because they’re butts are too fat. In a related story, Jennifer Lopez received her annual flu shot from a bow and arrow.


Fascinating
Barbara Walters declared Camilla Parker Bowles the most fascinating person of 2005. Notice how Camilla was not called the most fascinating woman? That’s what makes Camilla so fascinating, what is she, a guy or a girl?


Mean
Barbara Walters declared Camilla Parker Bowles the most fascinating person of 2005. In addition, Camilla was named cover girl of the British hunting magazine “Horse and Hounds.”


Good thinking
President Bush announced a ‘Strategy for Victory in Iraq.” The first step? Don’t announce “Mission Accomplished” before you’ve won.


President Bush announced a ‘Strategy for Victory in Iraq.” Here’s my question: Shouldn’t you be able to pronounce the word strategy before you can come up with one?


Up is down
It’s Bizarro world in the NBA, the Los Angeles Clippers are in first place in the pacific division and the Los Angeles Lakers are in last. That’s like the Kenyans trailing the corporate team from Krispy Kreme donuts in the Boston Marathon.


Good deals
This Monday was Cyber Monday, the biggest Internet shopping day; I bought an Xbox 360, an iPod and three San Diego Congressman.  

Oh snap oh no you di

Oh, snap, oh no you diiiii . .  .‘nt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Yeah, that reason
When asked why she split up with her husband, Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson said; “The break -up was due to irreconon, irreceonicle, irreconusable . . . we couldn’t get along.”


Bloated birds
I still can’t get over the new Thanksgiving entry the Turducken. It’s a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey. How did that happen? Did some guy sit there eating turkey and actually think: “This Turkey is OK, but what it really needs is two more birds crammed inside of it.”


I still can’t get over the new Thanksgiving entry the Turducken. It’s a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey. There hasn’t been anything stuffed that much since the Paris Hilton video.


When I first heard about the Turducken I was so disgusted I almost spit out my deep-fried Twinkie.


Mean
Not everyone gains weight during the holidays, I know one person who lost 180 pounds of excess weight this Thanksgiving: Jessica Simpson.  


Not looking good for celebrity couples. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are getting a divorce; and today, Britney Spears called and asked Jessica; “So, uh, you like your attorney, do you?”


Same technique
In Florida, police subdued and arrested a naked man by administering a taser shock to his testicles. It’s the same technique Britney Spears uses to get Kevin Federline off the couch.


Yikes
Did you see the mishap at the Macy Thanksgiving parade? The M&M balloon deflated and landed on spectators. It could have been worse, it could have been the Viagra balloon.


Not all bad news
On a United flight from Washington DC, a passenger was drunk, lit a cigarette and urinated in the aisle; on the bright side, it’s good to see Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Conner finally enjoying retirement.  


On a United flight from Washington DC, a man was drunk, lit a cigarette and urinated in the aisle; he was charged with disorderly conduct, lewd behavior and impersonating a commercial pilot.


Like that
On “Monday Night Football” the Indianapolis Colts defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 26-7. Colts QB Peyton Manning looked impressive. On every play Peyton gestures wildly for motion, barks out instructions, changes people’s positions, just like my wife did on our honeymoon.  



Welcome
President Bush said he is going to crack down on people who enter the country illegally. Unless of course they approve of President Bush then they can come right in.


“Dupe” Cunningham
Rep. congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham pleaded guilty to taking bribes. Cunningham was a Vietnam war jet pilot whose downing of three Soviet Migs inspired the Tom Cruise movie “Top Gun.” Unfortunately, his financial deals were more like “Risky Business.”    



My bad
The California Raisins will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime. Oops, sorry make that the Rolling Stones.  


Where did the time go?
Yesterday was the busiest online shopping day of the year. People were so busy online shopping yesterday, a lot of guys didn’t even have to time to download any porn.


Inflated Trojan
College football experts are saying the Reggie Bush may be the greatest running back to ever play at USC; if nothing else, Bush is certainly the greatest running back to ever play at USC who didn’t slaughter his ex-wife and her boyfriend.

It still got some ru

It still got some rumble up in its bumble up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Whole lotta shaking going on
Did you see the storms across the Midwest? It was so cold people were shaking like Kirstie Alley at her post-Thanksgiving Jenny Craig weigh-in.


Catchy
New Jersey is looking for a new state motto; they decided it was time to get rid of their old motto: Make it look like an accident.


Yikes
During the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, did you see the M&M balloon deflate and land on the spectators? I haven’t seen a balloon go down like that since they launched the Paris Hilton balloon.


So that’s what that means
In an interview in “Blender” magazine Ricky Martin revealed he likes to urinate on his lovers in the shower. Apparently “La Vida Loca” really means “What the hell are you doing?”


Line up
Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel for women clients looking to hire male prostitutes. For $500 a woman can hire a man who, no matter what she says to him, he will say; “Yes, Dear, you’re absolutely right, honey. Whatever you say, sweetheart.”


That’s nice
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced they split up over Thanksgiving. When asked if the break up was amicable, Jessica replied; “No, we’re still friends.”


Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced they split up over Thanksgiving. When asked if the break up was amicable, Jessica replied; “No, we’re not Catholic.”


Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced they split up over Thanksgiving. When asked if their differences were irreconcilable, Jessica said; “No, they just can’t be solved.”



Cool hand Duke
San Diego rep. congressman Rany “Duke” Cunningham pleaded guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes. Or as Halliburton calls $2.4 million in bribes: petty cash.



Giant screw up
The New York Giants lost in overtime to the Seattle Seahawks 24-21 after the Giant’s kicker, Jay Feely, missed three field goals; Feely shouldn’t worry, everyone knows how easy going, supportive and forgiving New York sports fans are.



The New York Giants lost in overtime to the Seattle Seahawks 24-21 after the Giant’s kicker, Jay Feely, missed three field goals; To show how bad it is, to escape the wrath of New York sports fans, Feely has disguised himself as A. Rod.

Since you asked:

Told this story Thanksgiving.

My father in-law is a pure bred good ol’boy from Mississippi. Jim is a big ol’ guy who hunts with bow and arrow and is amazingly handy with his hands. Jim, starts every sentence with the words “I’ll tell you what” and interjects with “an’ everythang” and he even uses the rare southern word for alone, onlyiest. As in “I was the onlyiest one there.” But he has a good sense of humor and can be teased about it. One day he was reading the paper, and, like the smart-ass that I am, I walked by and said;

“You need any help with the big words?”

Without missing a beat Jim said;

“Nahh, I just skip on over ‘em.”

When I first met Virginia’s folks I hadn’t been dating her long. Jim referred to me as “just another hairy-legged boy.” He didn’t say much on my first visit to see them in Grand Junction, Colorado. One day I went for a run past some rickety looking farm houses and this rogue cur farm dog ran out and bit me flush on the ankle.

When I limped back, Virg ran and got hydrogen peroxide and began to pour it on the bite. Big ol’ Jim sauntered by and, in his accent thicker than molasses in December, said;

“Don’t be wastin’ the good whisky on him if he’s fixin’ to up and die.”

Oh we gonna bring it

Oh we gonna bring it til they sing about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



On the job training


Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel for women clients to hire male prostitutes. In a related story, air traffic controller just became the second most stressful job a man can have.


Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel for women clients to hire male prostitutes. For men, this officially makes beer taster the second most embarrassing job to get fired from.



Not clear on the concept
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have split up. When asked if there is any chance of a reconciliation, Jessica said, “No, I don’t believe in life after death.”


Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have split up. When asked if they might go to mediation, Jessica said, “No but I did once take yoga.”



Oops
In sad news, the perennial winner of the ugliest dog contest, Sam, passed away at age 15 in Santa Barbara. This dog was so ugly, when the vet tried to neuter him, they couldn’t tell which end was which and they gave him a face lift by mistake.


In sad news, the perennial winner of the ugliest dog contest, Sam, passed away at age 15 in Santa Barbara. This dog was so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around its neck to get a pit bull to play with it.


This dog was so ugly PETA wanted to shoot it.



Sentimental hogwash
It’s the time of year when I watch the great holiday movies like “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Here’s my question: when did Dick Cheney turn into Mr. Potter?”


President Bush watched “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Afterwards Bush said “Boy, that Harry Potter’s dad Mr. Potter sure was mean.”


Not good
Ex-FEMA head Mike Brown is going into business for himself as an emergency management consultant. That’s like Donald Trump becoming a hairdresser.
     

Yuck
On “Monday Night Football” John Madden serves Turducken. A Turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. You think that’s gross? This Thanksgiving Kirsty Alley served a Cowpigpossum.